Monday, November 8, 2010

6 Months

Dear Stevie,
6 months. Wow, I really can't believe it. You've been gone an entire half a year. Have I really made it through 182 days without you?

There have been days where I do nothing but sit on the couch in a zombie-like state, and others where I have this incredible drive and energy unlike anything I've felt before, and all I want to do is "go, go, go."

I've had times where I cry so hard I laugh, and others where I laugh so hard I cry.

I've spent hours cursing God for taking you from me, and I've spent hours secretly crying out his name in the darkness of the night.

I've lost a few friends that I thought would stick around, and I've made many new ones who I know will be there forever.

I've felt silly for caring so much, and guilty for not caring enough.

I've had many moments where I think I'm such a failure, and many where I feel like I'm the strongest person I know.

If anything, the last 182 days have taught me what its like to really feel. Happiness, sadness, anger, jealously, guilt, hope, strength, weakness, peace, bitterness, vulnerability, empathy, excitement, confusion, clarity, apathy, passion, sorrow, joy, hate, love. I've experienced them all, sometimes at the same time.

The painful emotions cut deeper than they ever have before, but you know what? The emotions on the other side of the spectrum--things like passion, strength, love--I feel them with such intensity now. It's like my capacity for feeling has expanded 10-fold. When I'm sad, I'm sadder than I knew was possible 182 days ago. But when I love, boy do I love so much deeper.

Andrea once explained it as a sort of pendulum theory. On the left you have sadness, sorrow, despair, all those icky emotions. On the right, you have happiness, joy, love, passion, strength, all those 'good emotions.' When you died, the pendulum swung so far to the left, farther than its ever gone before. But now it also swings farther to the right. Before you, my pendulum was kind of stuck in the middle most of the time, and now, it swings so far in both directions.

I recently saw this quote from Harlan Ellison somewhere: "I know that pain is the most important thing in the universes . . . For without pain, there can be no pleasure. Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty. And without these, life is endless, hopeless, doomed and damned."

These last 6 months have been hard, no doubt about it. But in the last 182 days I have felt more than a lot of people ever feel in a lifetime. And in a strange, hard to explain way, that's something to be thankful for, I guess.

I love you so much, beautiful little girl. You've changed me forever.


Love,
Mom

25 comments:

Melissa said...

love this.

so much more eloquent and detailed yet exactly what I mean when I say "grief makes me feel crazy".

KAM said...

Beautifully said.

Jessica said...

Beautiful post. <3

Angie said...

Beautiful. I love the visual of the pendulum. I swear I could have written this exact post. Only my grief has been going on 3 months. I look forward to hitting the 6 and 12 and 18 and 50 month marks. You are a very strong girl. I admire your perseverance and strength.

Remembering Stevie with you today. xo

Wife, Mother, and Daughter said...

beautiful post

Tiffany said...

beautifully written. i felt like i could have written this post exactly. i'm only about a month into grieving my little boy, but i think i've felt more emotions in this month than i have in my almost 30 yrs on earth. thank you for everything you have done for the baby loss momma community. you are my inspiration. i'm thinking of ms. stevie as i think about my little boy. xoxo

The Sancken's said...

Beautiful post! You hit everything right on the nose. 8 months have passed for me since the delivery of my little girl, and it is exactly like you said - we are a changed person & we love & grieve so much differently than most now. And the love part that I now have is definitely a blessing. Funny how our angles bless our hearts!!

Bethany said...

Absolutely beautiful Kristin... you really are a true inspiration to so many of us. You, Stevie, and your family are in my thoughts today.

Nieriel said...

Once again I find myself tearing up as I read your blog. You are such a beautiful writer, and there is so much heart and soul in every word you put down. Amazing. Touching. Beautiful. Inspirational. You are the voice for every BLM who can't speak for themselves. I hope you know how amazing you are. <3

Jen said...

Thinking of you today. You have done so much for so many in Stevie's name!

Hugs!

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Thinking of you :)

DeniFay said...

Love this post. I couldn't agree more in that you feel so much more deeply now! It's amazing that I didn't realize that my feelings were sort of dull!?!? I also love the cursed God and cried out His name contrast, been there too!

Loved the article that you were featured in that was shared on facebook! Thank you for all you do getting the word out there! You are making a huge difference, and so is Stevie!

Angela said...

Beautifully put Kristin. Thinking of you, Andy, and Stevie today.

Maggie said...

Great post! Thinking of you and Stevie. XO

rebecca said...

So incredibly beautiful, you have such an eloquent way of describing loss and the journey through grief. You are living your life in a way that gives so much to this world and shows the incredible far reaching ways in which Stevies life has also impacted so many others through you. Love to you

Lori said...

Amazing how perspective can be so grossly affected--when you think it couldn't possibly be any more...how even though you felt like you were totally grateful for every blessing in your life before, you've REALLY learned what gratitude means--even gratitude for the grief because of the blessings that come with it...

Hard to believe 6 months goes by as quickly (and yet, as eternally) as it does, isn't it?
xoxo

Dannii said...

love you

Danae said...

So wonderfully put and beautifully said Kristin. Thinking of you and Stevie today and everyday. Sending you my love!

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Love the quote... thank you for sharing...

Missy said...

You do such a wonderful job showing your courage and your strength. Thank you for sharing it will all of us. It is inspiring. Much love to you on this angelversary.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Thinking of you as you marked the 6 month anniversary.

I completely agree with what you wrote about feeling more. I remember after Acacia was born - after I had begun to settle into the reality that my baby had trisomy 18 and was going to die (as much as I could) - the love with her was amazing. As a parent, my heart was broken open in the most amazing way and filled with a depth of a love I never knew was possible. And then as you so eloquently said, as I've settled into live without Acacia, I have never experienced such a deep depth of pain before, and never knew it existed.

Much love to you.

Leanne said...

Oh Kristin, I love reading your blog. You express yourself so well. Tell us what's on your heart so well. Thank you for sharing with us.

Amber Roseberry said...

You sure know how to make a person cry. Six months without Eli will be Dec. 17th right amongst all the holidays and I'm pretty sure it's going to be impossible to handle. Thank you for your beautiful words.

Holly said...

I think it is a good analogy with the pendulum.

Brooke said...

I like this. A lot. I am almost at two months (Saturday)...and I have felt so much of the same. Thanks for putting it into words!

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