Dear Stevie...

Showered!

2012-01-30T13:27:00.001-06:00

Dear Elliot,
On Saturday you were showered with so many awesome gifts and best of all, so much love. Your Grandma Cook (Dad's mom) did such an amazing job making your special day just perfect. I feel so blessed!

Here are a few pictures from the party:

Your awesome cupcake tree! I love how she incorporated trees into the day :)

The 'Price is Right' tree (we all had to guess the prices on the baby items hanging from it)

Tree centerpieces with legos (the very legos Dad used to play with!)

Grandma leading one of the games

Me and your Auntie Jaime (and your cousin, too!)

Me and your other Grandma (I seriously HATE this picture of myself; I look like a giant puff ball!)

After the shower, Dad and I had a great time (okay, let's be honest, it was probably more fun for me than for him!) putting together and looking through all of your new things:

Here are just a couple of my favorite things (not including a lot of the great practical things we got, because really, who wants to see pictures of a thermometer, a humidifier, or a package of bibs? Ha!):

The beautiful quilt made especially for you by your Auntie Rachel. I LOVE it!

The 'snugabunny' bouncer. I just think those bunny ears are so freaking cute!

Everything you could possibly need for bath time, from Grandma (my mom)

The sweetest deerskin moccasins, also from Grandma. These were actually mine when I was a baby!

Thank goodness we have the girls to give everything a test-run before you get here :)

Since this is pretty much just going to be a picture post, I'll throw in a couple of 31.5 week belly shots too:

I start my twice-weekly doctors appointments this week--one at the perinatal clinic and one at my regular OB's office. I am so looking forward to seeing you on both Thursday and Friday. Maybe we'll even (finally!) get another peak at your face!

I love you, baby!

XOXO,

Mom

First

2012-01-27T11:12:00.000-06:00

Dear Stevie,
Sometimes I feel so guilty for writing to your little brother so much more than to you these days. I am really focused on making it through this pregnancy and preparing for his arrival, but that doesn't mean you haven't been on my mind. Far from it. If anything, being pregnant again makes me miss you even more.

It's also been really hard dealing with all the questions and assumptions about Elliot being our 'first.' They are just constant lately. From strangers, from well-intentioned friends and family members who make comments about him being the 'first grandchild,' or how much my life is going to change 'once I become a mom.' I'm not saying I am angry about any of these questions or comments (I know most people just don't think about it the way I do), but they hurt. They hurt because even though Elliot will (hopefully) be the first baby I get to watch grow up, he isn't my first baby. He won't be the first grandchild, or even the baby that makes me a mother. You are. And you always will be.

I was having a hard morning the other day and decided to read through all the messages and letters people sent after you died. This one from my amazing friend and old college roomie, Lisa, pretty much reduced me to a puddle of tears:

"Lil Stevie,
It’s been hard for me to think of what to say to you…I really loved you so much. I’ll never forget the day I had to pinch to stop the pee so I could run out and hear the yelps of the news that WE were having a baby! Yes, that’s right, from the very first day I have claimed you ; ) Your mom was our first bride, she got our first puppies, and then she gave us something even more—you, she became our first mom..."

Nothing touches my heart more than when someone else remembers that you came before; that you were the first. I hope people haven't forgotten that. I can promise you I never will, baby girl.

I miss you every day.

Love,
Mom

Who Loves Elliot?

2012-01-24T13:16:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers, Friends, and Family,
I have an idea that I would love your help with.

When I was pregnant with Stevie, someone (I think it was my mom, but I'm not totally sure) gave us a little book called 'Who Loves Baby?' The book has 4-6 clear pockets that you can put pictures into, so that you can look through the book with your baby and tell them all about the people that love him/her. I thought (and still think!) it's such a cute idea. But here's the problem: there aren't nearly enough pages!

I decided I would put in pictures of Elliot's immediate family in that book, but then I got to thinking about all the other people out there that already 'love baby,' that love him. There are our extended family members, our friends, and because of his big sister, so many 'online friends' that I have gotten to know and love over the last couple years. I can't wait to tell my little boy about how loved he is. I want him to know it, to feel it deep down, and to never question it.

So here's my idea. I want to gather as many little 'love notes' for Elliot as I can, along with pictures of the people out there that love him, and turn them all into a bigger 'Who Loves Baby?' book for him to look through when he's a baby, and read to him when he's a bit older. Wouldn't that just be the most awesome book ever?

So I am asking anyone reading this, anyone who loves my baby boy, to consider taking a few minutes to write a little note to Elliot, and sending me a picture of you/your family, and the state/country you live in to include in this project. It doesn't matter if we're close friends, or if you've followed our story silently up until now. And your message doesn't need to be long, or anything profound; simple is great! I can't tell you how much I would appreciate it!

If you're up to it, you can email me your note and picture to Kristin.cook23@gmail.com, with 'Who Loves Elliot' in the subject line. I am hoping to get this project done before he's born (because I know its less likely to happen when I'm busy with a newborn!), so if you could try to send them before February 28th, that would be awesome.

Thank you all so, so much for your help! It brings me to tears just thinking about how cool this could turn out and all the love out there for both of my babies :)

Love,
Kristin

Top 10

2012-01-23T12:56:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
Instead of the usual boring weekly update, I thought I'd write up a quick list--my top 10 favorite things of this last week. So here we go!

1. The Snoogle. When my total lack of sleeping at night finally got to the point where I just couldn't function last weekend, I decided I was just going to have to suck it up and spend the ridiculous $64.95 on this pregnancy pillow everyone was raving about. But before heading to Babies R Us, I decided to check Craigslist, and sure enough, someone was selling the pillow, used once and still in the package, for $30! This may be the best 30 bucks I have ever spent in my life. Waking up feeling sort of awake and dare I say... refreshed?? What a strange and wonderful concept!

Okay so it takes up half the bed--totally worth it!

Doubles as the perfect dog bed :)

They have no clue this thing wasn't purchased especially for them

2. Queen Helene Cocoa Butter Creme. Oddly enough, I have my dad and his butt to thank for this amazing discovery (this might be one of the weirder sentences I've ever typed!). My Dad is super into biking, and he was told that this lotion is the best stuff out there for soothing the chafed butt you get from riding around on a hard bike seat all day. Anyway, turns out it also works amazingly well for soothing stretched out and itchy pregnant bellies. It's a mixture of cocoa butter and pure lanolin (the stuff nipple cream is made out of), and it just feels so, so nice on your skin. And the best part? A big tub of it only costs like $4! I did have to break my vows and go to Walmart to buy it (they didn't have it at Target), but it was totally worth it. It seems like anytime they can slap the word 'pregnancy' onto a product, it all of a sudden costs like six times as much, but I have used the 'pregnancy' and 'stretch mark creams' and they don't compare to the Queen!

3. Getting organized. Dad and I spent a good chunk of this weekend organizing our living room and basement. My big project (because I could work on it basically sitting down!) was to figure out what to do with all our DVDs. We have a lot of movies, and somehow, they have managed to creep into every nook and cranny of our house. Seriously, we had DVD cases (and discs with no cases) coming out of our ears! So I gathered them all together and turned this big, messy pile...

...into this super compact little cubby:

We got rid of all the cases (some tossed, some put down in the basement on storage shelves), organized them by genre, and completely filled up this 362-disc case. The movies we never watch, we packed up and put in storage, to either sell (if we ever have a garage sale), or donate eventually.

Dad also organized his ever-growing record collection that was all over the floor, and I am super happy with how much less cluttered the entertainment area looks in general:

We still want to get rid of that tall bookshelf and do something different with the books, but at least its clean for now :)

4. Baths (not pictured). This one is pretty self-explanatory, but I've gotten into the habit of taking a nice warm bubble bath everyday (sometimes twice a day!), and it has been doing wonders for my achey body. I know my days of having this luxury are numbered, so I am soaking it up (yep, pun intended) while I still can!

5. Hard-boiled eggs. In my Hypnobabies classes, we've been talking a lot about nutrition, and specifically the importance of protein during pregnancy; we even had to track our protein intake in a daily nutrition log for awhile. Anyway, one suggestion for getting more protein was to eat more eggs, but during pregnancy, I can't stand them! Then I remembered how much I love hard-boiled eggs around Easter time, and decided to give that a try. YUM! I've been eating two of them every morning with breakfast. So good for you, and so cheap!

6. Finding a Doula (not pictured). I met with the most amazing Doula last week (for almost three hours!), and I am so, so excited that she will be supporting me (and Dad) during your birth. She lost a son in the second trimester herself, and her passion is working with women who have had past pregnancy losses and other traumatic experiences. We just clicked really well. I am really set on wanting a natural birth, and I think having this type of support will make it more likely to happen. For so long your birth has seemed like such a distant, almost abstract thing. It feels both really, really good to begin thinking and talking about it more. This is really going to happen!

7. Bras that fit. I have been shoving my poor girls into bras that are way too small for quite some time, and I figured I should probably start stocking up on some nursing bras since I will need those once you get here anyway. So Dad and I went to the Mall of America, where they have this huge new maternity store called Destination Maternity. From what I can tell, its like a mix of Motherhood Maternity, Pea in a Pod, and a couple other stores, all rolled into one. They had a 'nursing event' going on, where their bras were on sale and buy three get one free. Normal stores like Target or Kohls don't carry my size, so this seemed like my best bet. Anyway, after getting measured by a sweet young girl who had absolutely no idea what she was doing (she told me I was a 34C...yeah, I was busting out of my DD bra at that very moment!), I was able to find four comfy nursing bras that actually fit. I feel like I can finally breathe again!

8. Your kung foo skills (not pictured, unfortunately!) In the last week or so, your movements have gotten so much more intense. Whenever I'm laying down, you like to stretch your legs and poke your feet super hard into my side. Each time you do this, you can literally see my skin just bulging out of place. It's the weirdest, coolest, most hard to explain feeling in the world. The other night you let your Dad feel it for awhile and it was one of the happiest 10 minutes of my life. He was just in awe and was like, 'holy crap! Kid's trying to escape!'

9. Craigslist. So not only did I get the Snoogle pillow for a great deal on Craigslist, we also scored an Arms Reach Co-sleeper this weekend (in great condition for $50 instead of $150 retail!). I've always loved Craigslist (seriously, our computers, cameras, half our furniture, and even one of our dogs is from CL), but it is just the best for baby stuff.

The Arms Reach is basically a basinet that attaches to our bed so I can feed you (and keep an eye on you!) much easier at night for the first few months

10. Things to look forward to. One of the things that has kept me sane during this pregnancy (so far) is having little milestones to look forward to every week or so. It was way too overwhelming to think as far ahead as delivery, or even the third trimester early on, so I'd just focus on making it to the next 'big thing,' whether that was my next ultrasound, the start of a new trimester, etc. Well all of a sudden, I have a lot of 'big things' to look forward to. My Cook family baby shower is this weekend, which for so long felt like something I would never make it to. Then next week, when I am 32 weeks, I start weekly NSTs (non stress tests) and BPPs (biophysical profiles) at my OBs office, along with weekly Doppler Flow Studies (to monitor cord blood flow) at the Perinatal clinic. So many times my doctor has said, once you get to 32 weeks...' and now that point is almost here. Then it's just five more weeks until I hit fullterm, and then, then it's the moment I've been waiting for all my life, really: delivery. It's all so exciting, scary, amazing, and overwhelming, all rolled into one.

Keep on growing, baby boy. I love you, I love you, I love you.

XOXO,

Mom

30 weeks!

2012-01-21T13:46:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
No time for a proper update (we're using this free weekend to cross as many things off the 'getting ready for baby' list as possible!), but wanted to pop in quick and say happy 30 weeks, baby boy! I can't believe we've made it to the 30's!

30w2d

You are becoming so much more responsive (to touch, sound, etc), and I love it. I can't wait to finally see and touch those little feet and hands on the outside.

All my love,

Mom

week 29

2012-01-16T16:05:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
Saturday was Dad's cousin Jeff's wedding. It was a lot of fun seeing the whole Cook side of the family all weekend (most of them came all the way up from Colorado for the festivities). It was also fun to have a couple reasons to wear something other than sweat pants and a sports bra! Seriously, I have like 3-4 actual maternity 'outfits' that I wear when I need to look nice, but 99% of the time, I live in sweats. If I'm running to Target or the mall or something, I'll usually put on my 'good' pair of yoga pants, but even wearing jeans is a pretty big deal for me these days. So yeah, it felt kind of good to get dressed up a bit and show off the baby bump.

Dress from (the dreaded) Motherhood Maternity

Non-maternity dress that I had bought before I was even pregnant. Looks way cuter with a bump than without!

I thought I was buying grey maternity tights...turns out they are actually sorta green, oh well!

Best picture of me of all time (Dad was going a bit overboard with the pictures!)

Friday night was the wedding rehearsal dinner at an awesome Thai place in Northeast Minneapolis, where I ate thai basil stir fry, chicken fried rice, and pad thai until I literally couldn't fit another bite in my stomach. It was awesome.

The actual wedding on Saturday was absolutely beautiful. Jeff and Krista planned a January wedding because they wanted to have a snow/winter wonderland kind of feel to the evening. Well, for the first time I can remember, we've had no practically no snow in Minnesota (it was even over 50 degrees last Monday!). Everyone was crossing their fingers that somehow they would get their white wedding, and sure enough, it finally started snowing that afternoon!

Dad and I enjoying the fresh snowfall before the ceremony

The ceremony was a bit cold, but so, so pretty.

The reception was much warmer, but equally as beautiful.

I spent most of the dance watching from the table, but you certainly seemed to enjoy the music and were having your very own private dance party in my belly the whole time. Loved it.

Yesterday afternoon while I met up with some friends for coffee (well, tea for me), Dad put wrapped up the weekend perfectly by finding a bunch of records at the thrift store just for you:

We LOVE the Muppets, so I was incredibly excited that he found not one, but four records for us to play for you. And the Raffi record is super funny because I was literally just telling Dad on Friday how we needed to get you some old Raffi records. How crazy/random that he found one for $.50 two days later!

I can't believe I am almost 30 weeks along. I am definitely feeling mega-pregnant these days! Hurry up and get here, March; we can't wait to meet this kid!

Love you, baby.

XOXO,

Mom

PS. Thanks for all the support on my last post. It always helps to just get those crazy thoughts out somewhere.

Safe?

2012-01-13T10:48:00.001-06:00

Dear Elliot,
You'd think that the further past the point of 'viability' I got, the less and less nervous I'd become. Turns out that's not the case at all. Now that I'm 29 weeks pregnant, and the odds of you being able to survive and thrive outside of my body are very high, I am getting more and more anxious. The sane, logical part of me wants you to stay inside my womb for as long as possible, because I know its what's best for you. But the other part of me--the scared mama whose first baby died inside of her--that part of me just wants you out right now.

Now before anyone starts lecturing me about how awful I am to wish my baby to be born prematurely, I don't actually want that (obviously, I hope!). But I can't help but wonder: if you were born today, would you be safer? Would it be saving you from your sister's fate?

A woman's body is supposed to be the safest, most perfect place for a baby to be. But my body failed your sister. I feel like my body is a dangerous, scary place; that it's a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode once again. While you're in my womb, I have no real control over what happens to you. I mean yes, I can take care of myself, take my shots and my pills, eat my protein and veggies, and hope for the best, but I can't see you, watch you, monitor you 24/7 to make sure you are okay.

At 29 weeks (measuring more like 32 weeks), and well over three pounds, you'd more than likely spend a couple months in the NICU and have no major long-term complications if you were born right now. On the outside, we'd be able to watch you so closely, ready to step in at the first sign of any type of distress. Of course I'm not saying having a baby in the NICU would be easy (at all!), or that I want that for you, but I'd take that over losing you inside of me in a heartbeat.

I just want you to be safe, and I hate myself sometimes for feeling like I can't provide that for you.

It's been a hard couple days (I swear, every time I start feeling really confident, these kind of thoughts swiftly follow). We're getting so close I can almost taste it, and I'm just so terrified we won't quite get there again. I've been waiting to look into my child's eyes for over two years now (since I found out I was pregnant with Stevie). I know waiting just nine more weeks shouldn't be all that difficult. But those nine weeks are feeling like an eternity right about now.

Please just continue to be okay, baby boy. I want you, I need you, I love you. So much.

Always,
Mom

Week 28

2012-01-11T13:02:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
A lot of exciting new developments have taken place during week 28. Here are a few of the highlights:

1. My breasts have officially started leaking. Sorry if that's gross or too much information, but hey this did start as a pregnancy blog after all! It's not a lot, but it did kind of weird me out when I first noticed it. I'm hoping this is a sign that I'll have a good milk supply!

2. I've come to the conclusion that 99.9% of maternity dresses are ugly, frumpy, and designed to make pregnant women feel horrible and fat. I have a wedding to go to this weekend, and Grandma (my mom) and I spent hours and hours on Saturday shopping for a dress, since I literally have nothing wedding-appropriate I can squeeze myself into. Well, I finally found something at Motherhood Maternity, and after arguing with the cashier for ( and I'm not exaggerating) over five minutes about how I did not want to provide all my personal information and be 'entered in their system' (seriously, the last time I was pregnant I bought one pair of pants, gave them my info, and received stupid formula and diaper coupons and samples from them for over a year!), the dress ordeal was finally over. Thank God.

3. I went to my first baby shower since Stevie died on Sunday, and it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be. It was for my sister-in-law, who is due about three weeks before me with a little girl--my first niece, Madeline. You and Madeline are going to be so close in age. I'm really excited that you are going to have a little cousin to grow up with! My own family shower is coming up soon--on January 28th. I am really looking forward to it, but there's also that fear in the back of my mind that something is going to go wrong again if I plan ahead too much or too confidently. Silly, I know, but I can't help it.

4. I passed my three-hour glucose screening test on Monday morning. I'm really glad I passed and don't have Gestational Diabetes, but man did that test suck. Like hands-down one of the most unpleasant mornings of my life. Worst of all, I wasn't able to eat anything for over 16 hours (and I can't usually go over two or three without my stomach growling), plus sitting in a waiting room for three hours is never fun, and neither is getting those painful finger prick blood draws done four times. Shots no longer phase me (I mean I've been injecting myself in the stomach every night for the last five months so I'm kinda used to it), but those finger pricks hurt! Anyway, by the time the test was over, I was so hungry I nearly passed out. I was able to make it to the restaurant (where I met Dad for lunch), but as soon as I got there, the dizziness and sweating and light-headedness started and I had to lay down on the booth for awhile. Fun times. I rewarded myself with a huge piece of oreo pie, and it was so good it almost made up for my horrible morning :)

5. I am feeling huge. And I love it. I feel like I'm finally to the point where I look so obviously pregnant that doors are held open for me, old ladies look at my belly and smile, and when I ordered nachos at Target's little concession stand the other night, they gave me two cups of cheese sauce without even asking. The main reason I love my growing body is that it's proof that you are growing too! Keep it up, Little E!

Crappy cell phone pic at just about 29 weeks

6. Hypnobabies classes are still going really well. In addition to the self-hypnosis tracks we have to practice with at home, I have to listen to a 'joyful pregnancy' affirmations CD everyday, and that has been incredibly helpful. It's basically just 30 minutes of positive thoughts about pregnancy and childbirth that you can repeat in your head. I usually listen to it when I'm taking a bath and it's been great to have that time each day to relax and think only positive thoughts. "Pregnancy is natural, beautiful, and safe"..."My baby is growing and developing perfectly"..."I am confident in my body and my ability to give my baby everything he or she needs"...Slowly but surely, I am really starting to believe these things and it feels really good.

Alright, I think that's it for today. I am about to run to Target to pick up a birth ball so I can start practicing the prenatal exercises/stretches we learned in class last night.

I love you so much, baby boy.

XOXO,

Mom

My big boy

2012-01-06T18:53:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
I don't have time for a full update right now, but wanted to quickly post that everything at today's ultrasound went really well. You are measuring in at 30 weeks+ 4 days at 28 weeks, with an estimated weight of right about three pounds! Things are starting to look pretty squished in there!

We weren't able to get a good 3D shot of your face because your hands were always in the way, but we did get this cute picture of you sucking on your thumb. It was so cute to watch!

I am getting so incredibly anxious and excited to meet you!

Love,
Mom

Updates

2012-01-05T15:23:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
I've had a lot going on this week and thought I'd do a quick update.

1. Dad and I started our Hypnobabies classes on Tuesday night. We have one 3.5-hour long class a week for the next six weeks, and lots of practice/homework each night. I am loving it so far! For anyone who is like, 'what the heck is Hypnobabies??' It's a birthing method that uses self-hypnosis to achieve a comfortable, natural birthing experience. It focuses a lot on using our minds to control our bodies, and the idea that if we can train our subconscious minds to accept certain ideas, eventually those ideas will become our reality. Essentially, we are 'training' our minds to view childbirth as a beautiful, joyful thing. The part I like best about the program is all the relaxation exercises you are required to do at home. It's already been really helpful for me to have that time set aside each day to just relax and think only positive thoughts about this pregnancy. Anyway, I am really glad we decided to do this!

2. I had a follow-up appointment with my asthma specialist yesterday and my lung function is still pretty awful. I was hoping they would tell me things had really improved in the last month or so, but a new test showed some pretty severe inflammation of my lungs. So that sucks. I was given a prescription for a new preventative inhaler to try, so we'll see if that helps at all. I'd really just like to be able to breath like a normal human being!

3. I failed my one-hour glucose screening today, which means I get to go back on Monday and do the three-hour screening to rule out Gestational Diabetes. I am actually kind of annoyed because I was only a few points off from passing, and the nurse who drew my blood said, "you didn't eat any rice or anything like that today, did you?" And I was like, "um, yeah, I ate a huge bowl of stir fry for lunch." Then she said, "Oh, well that probably messed with your results." So here's what I don't understand: why send me home with a typed up instruction sheet about this test, and NOT include anything about staying away from carbs, if that can mess up the results?? Honestly, I don't think I have GD, considering I eat pretty healthy and am only up 18 pounds at 28 weeks, but who knows. Hey, at least I get to drink another bottle of that sugary orange drink--I loved it (and yes, I'm completely serious!)

4. Tomorrow afternoon we have your 28-week growth ultrasound. I am so excited to see how much you've grown in the last four weeks. Today at my OB appointment, my belly/uterus was measuring two weeks 'big,' so I am curious to see what they estimate your weight to be. I also really hope they'll give us a little peak in 3D...I am getting SO anxious to see your sweet face!

5. I really need to figure out how to sleep better at night. Last night I probably got less than three hours total. Between my crappy breathing, you kicking me like crazy, the dogs trying to sleep on my face, Dad snoring, having to pee every hour, my big awkward belly, and just pregnancy insomnia in general, the whole sleep thing is just not working for me. If anyone out there has any tips or advice, I'm all ears!

Okay, I think that's about it. Sorry for the super boring post. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have good news to share after the ultrasound!

Love you,
Mom

A new year

2012-01-03T10:06:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
I was going to do a big post all about my new year's resolutions, but to be honest, I really only have three goals for 2012 and they are pretty simple:
1. Get through (and even try to enjoy!) the next 10 weeks of this pregnancy without going crazy;
2. Deliver you healthy and alive;
3. Spend the rest of the year learning how to be the best darn mom a little boy could ask for.

Here are our last belly pics of 2011:

We had a nice New Years Eve weekend, which started out with a huge blessing: a super kind woman who follows this blog giving us a brand-new (in the box!) stroller:

Turns out the stroller is totally our style AND all the reviews say it's one of the best models for tall parents, which works out pretty well for your giant of a father (he's 6'10!). If you're reading this, thank you so much, Patti! Not only do we now have a great stroller for Elliot, we have an even greater story to tell him someday :)

New Years Eve we had some good friends over, played games, and stayed up way too late.

This is me hiding from the camera and trying not to fall asleep at like 2am

Then on New Years Day, Dad painted one of the walls in your nursery:

I love how the color turned out. I'll post another pic of the finished wall once we get things put back into their places again.

This weekend we also finally got some snow (about a week late!). I'm not really liking the colder temps, seeing that I don't even have a winter jacket that zips up over my belly anymore, but I was pretty excited to be able to enjoy my favorite winter snack: snowcream!

Snow mixed with milk, vanilla extract, and lots of sugar

This week we have a lot going on. We start our Hypnobabies birthing classes tonight, I have another appointment with an asthma specialist tomorrow, Thursday I have my glucose screening test, and Friday is your 28-week ultrasound at the Perinatal clinic. Hopefully all of the above go well!

I love you, baby boy. I am excited to be starting 2012, the year of your birth. See you Friday!

Love,

Mom

Basketball in my belly

2011-12-30T20:28:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
I woke up this morning and realized I must have swallowed a basketball in my sleep or something :)

My skin feels so stretched it's hard to believe I've got another 10-11 weeks of stretching left to do!

Happy 27 weeks! I love you like crazy!

XOXO,
Mom

Progress!

2011-12-29T11:11:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
I have been putting off just about everything we need to do before your arrival until "after Christmas," so this week I decided it was time to cross at least a couple things off the list.

The list that just keeps on growing!

Since working on your room/getting all your baby stuff organized sounded a lot more appealing than other items on the list such as cleaning the garage, or fixing the garbage disposal, I decided to tackle that one first.

As a reminder, here's what your room looked like as of Tuesday morning:

And here's what it looks like today:

Obviously, I've got a long way to go before it's a cute little nursery fit for a cute little boy, but hey--it's major progress! I put everything into piles: breastfeeding supplies, toys, diaper bags, baby carriers, changing/diapering supplies, bath stuff, blankets and sleep sacks, and even went through all your clothes and organized them by size and type (sleepers, onesies, tops, and bottoms).

Foxy thinks your clothes piles are actually nice little cuddle spots made just for her :)

My favorite part of organizing was putting all the books we've collected (some bought for Stevie, some for you) on your bookshelf:

The Elliot sign will go up on the wall eventually, after we paint

Then yesterday I went shopping with Auntie Jersa (my BFF) and got some unreal bargains on more things to complete the room. First, I got the paint for the accent wall on super clearance at Home Depot:

It's hard to tell in the picture, but it's a green color that matches the green 'leaves' (that's what the circle thing on the can is!) on the tree mural I made to go above your crib

After Home Depot, we hit a couple thrift stores, where I found this adorable vintage chalk board to hang up for $3.99:

I was planning on making my own chalkboard, but just cleaning this one up will be much easier!

And at Goodwill, I scored this like-new glider rocking chair for...wait for it...$9.00! Can you believe it?!

So this weekend we'll be painting. I also still need to get a lamp, some baskets or boxes for under the changing table, a rug and curtains (but I want to see the crib quilt your Auntie Rachel is making so I can try to match them before I do!), and a couple other things, but I feel like everything is starting to come together.

It's weird, I've been feeling extra anxious/nervous yesterday and today and I couldn't figure out why. Then I remembered that putting together Stevie's nursery was one of the last things I did before she died. I even blogged about it two days before the morning we found out she was gone. Logically I know that setting up the nursery had nothing to do with your sister dying, but it's almost like now I'm waiting for something bad to happen again now that I've taken that step.

I love you so much, baby. I can't believe in just a couple more months I will get to finally see your sweet face and kiss those chubby feet that have been kicking my ribs each night.

Can't wait to see you again next Friday (28 week growth scan). Until then, keep growing little E!

XOXO,

Mom

Christmas wrap-up

2011-12-27T12:49:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
Merry (belated) Christmas, baby boy! Your first Christmas was pretty great. All weekend long I kept feeling you moving all over the place in my belly and would say to myself, "I don't care if I don't get any other gifts this year, this feeling, right here, is the best present of all."

Dad and I had a really nice time hanging out and relaxing with family all weekend. Tons of good food (being pregnant during holidays is the best!), movies, games, relatives, and awesome presents, all made for an excellent Christmas.

Me and Grandma (my mom)

After you, Dad might have gotten the biggest haul this year, as Grandpa (my dad)'s gift-giving theme this year was "an old fashioned thrift store Christmas." Dad ended up with speakers for his record player, a sweet Kitchen Aid mixer from the 60's, bike parts (I have no idea what they are called, but he seemed pretty excited), and a rabbit fur hat that he hasn't taken off since. I did pretty well too, with some much-needed maternity clothes from my mom (including a pair of maternity yoga pants that I am pretty sure I am going to live in until March), the newest Photoshop Elements, a Scentsy wax warmer knock-off (that I have to say is pretty awesome and I believe cost about half the price!), an electric toothbrush (I must be a real adult now that I ask for things like toothbrushes for Christmas!), and some awesome winter boots from my dad (from the thrift store, of course!)

Even though you couldn't open them yourself quite yet, you also got lots of presents this year. You are so loved by so many people already, you have no idea. Here are just a couple of my favorite things you got for your first Christmas:

Crib mattress from Grandma and Grandpa Cook. I can't tell you how much I loved seeing your name on presents under the tree!

Fleece blanket your Uncle Brandon (my little brother) made for you, all by himself :)

Okay, so this one is more for me I guess, but how cute is this Vera Bradely diaper bag from Grandma Cook??

The cutest hat I've ever seen, from Uncle Brandon and Grandma Ziemke

Our car was packed to the brim with goodies! (and check out that fur hat Dad got--kind of matches yours!)

Christmas makes me miss your big sister terribly, but she wasn't forgotten. Grandma and Grandpa Cook even hung up a stocking for her and made a very generous donation to Faces of Loss in her name. I was really touched by that.

On the pregnancy front, I am loving being the most pregnant I've ever been. I can tell you are getting bigger and stronger everyday, a) because my belly is getting HUGE, and b) because your movements are getting CRAZY. The other night you were going nuts over on my side, and Dad was a little freaked out at how he could actually feel specific body parts trying to crawl out of my skin. And one minute you'll be hanging out down low, and the next I'll feel your feet pushing off my ribs. Kind of crazy!

Here are a couple belly shots from yesterday (26.5 weeks):

My stomach is so stretched and tight that I finally had to take out my belly button ring. My belly looks so weird without it (and my belly button is seriously going to become an outie any day now!):

Dad and I are starting Hypnobabies childbirth classes next week and I am really excited. Aside from helping me have a positive delivery experience, I think the daily relaxation/self-hypnosis sessions you are required to do at home will really help keep my anxiety levels in-check during the next 11-12 weeks or so. We listened to the first relaxation track last night and had a wonderful time finding our 'safe, special places' :) I'll let you know how the classes go once we start!

Alright, Little E. I suppose it's time to get off the computer and start my ever-growing list of things to do that I've been putting off until "after Christmas." Today I think I will start doing some organizing in your nursery, which currently looks like an explosion of baby crap went off in the middle of the room:

Keep on growing, Elliot. We are so excited to meet you!

Love you,

Mom

We made it (26 weeks)!

2011-12-23T11:20:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
This is going to be a short one, as I've got about a million things to get done today before we leave for the weekend (seriously, how is it Christmas Eve tomorrow??). But I am so, so happy to report we've made it past the dreaded milestone! I am officially the most knocked up I've ever been.

Since I am home alone with no one to take a belly shot for me, you are going to have to settle for this awesome cell phone self-pic (which I'll be sure to make my myspace profile pic later, haha):

Thank you for being such a little mover for mama this week. I've really appreciated all the extra rolls and jabs you've been giving me to let me know you're doing just fine :)

I love you so much!

XOXO,

Mom

THE week

2011-12-18T11:28:00.001-06:00

Dear Stevie,
I'm a few days into week 25 with your little brother, which means this week is the week. The week I lost you. Actually, today could be the very day you died. When I went into the doctor because I hadn't been feeling you move--the day we discovered you had no heartbeat--I was 25 weeks, 5 days. The last time I know with absolute certainty that I felt you kick was a couple days before that, at 25 weeks, 2 days. I wasn't really paying attention, and I am pretty sure you were moving some the next day as well, but the last kick I can clearly remember (you jabbed me really hard in the side while I was arguing with the new internet provider people on the phone!) happened at 25 weeks, 2 days--exactly where I am today.

I am scared to death. Logically I know that 25 weeks, 2 days is just a number, but I can't help but wonder if there is something about that particular time in the fetal development process that caused things to go wrong last time (and will cause them to go wrong again).

I've just been really anxious and can't wait for this week, the week, to be over. Thankfully, I have a lot going on this week (including a girl's day with my blog friend, Leanne tomorrow!) that will hopefully keep me nice and distracted.

By the end of the week, I'll officially be the most pregnant I've ever been. Bittersweet.

Anyway, here's my 25 week belly shot (taken at Grandma and Grandpa's house):

I am feeling rather...puffy these days!

I love you, Stevie. You have no idea how badly I wish you were here to enjoy your second Christmas with your family.

Always,

Mom

Jumbled mess of a post

2011-12-14T11:53:00.002-06:00

Dear Elliot,
This post is going to be a jumbled mess; sorry! A few things on my mind this week:

1) I hate health insurance. And money. Or more accurately, lacking money. So as you know I was laid off of my job at the end of September. Since then, I've been stuck paying Cobra every month to keep my old insurance benefits. You'd think that paying $600 a month (for just me) would be enough, but on top of that, my insurance keeps denying at least a portion of every appointment I've had during this pregnancy (and there have been a lot!), so not only am I paying a ridiculously high monthly premium, I've paid at least $1,000 out of pocket for pregnancy-related medical stuff so far. Okay, now add the the $750 copay I have to pay for my 'prenatal care package' (due at my 6-week postpartum appointment), and add another who knows how much for delivery (with Stevie, I was in the hospital for 24 hours and had to pay over $1,500 out of pocket)...and you get the point. This is just a racket, and in my opinion, totally unfair. Every woman should be able to have a baby without it costing thousands and thousands of dollars. Period. I mean seriously, what's the point of even having health insurance when there are so many out of pocket expenses to deal with anyway??

Anyway, the whole situation has me majorly stressed out. A lot of people have this idea that the unemployed, or the 'low-income' are these lazy, uneducated people who are trying to mooch off the system or something. This simply isn't true. I am now 'those people,' and it's been a really, I don't know if this is the right word for it, humbling experience. I've never been rich by any means, but I've also never been in a situation where I'm having to decide between paying rent and buying groceries. I've never had to worry about whether or not buying a package of frozen chicken breasts was going to break the bank. I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself because I know I am still a lot better off than some out there, but it's been a real struggle adjusting. I've certainly gained a new outlook (and a lot more compassion and respect) for those who are struggling to make it in this crappy economy.

I hate the money stress. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Alright, moving on...

2) Dad and I have been putting off doing your shower registry for awhile now. Dad, just because he hates shopping in general, and me, because it kinda scares me. One of the worst things ever was getting constant reminders about and coupons from Babies R Us for 'items not purchased on our registry' after Stevie died. We had registered, but I never even made it far enough to actually have my baby showers, so essentially every item was left 'unpurchased.' For some reason, I just feel stupid doing that to myself again. Sort of like an idiot for assuming that this time, there will be a need for a registry.

So we decided to skip Babies R Us altogether and registered at Target and Amazon. I guess it wasn't too bad. It does feel good to cross it off the list. This kind of goes back to the insurance/money stress again, but seeing the list of stuff we need grow bigger and bigger is kind of overwhelming. I just keep reminding myself that while of course I will be beyond thrilled to get some of these items as gifts from our family and friends, so much of the 'stuff' the stores make you think you need, just really isn't all that important. At least not in the big-picture sense.

You will have a nice, warm place to sleep, a boob to eat from, dry diapers, and lots and lots and lots of love. That's all that really matters, right?

3) I had my first "I am going to hospital" moment last night. When lay down in bed before going to sleep each night, you are always super active. Like for the last month or so, that time has consistently been your most active time of the day. Well last night I snuggled into bed and you were hardly moving around at all. I was feeling some little nudges and small kicks here and there, but none of your usual kicks and jabs that make my whole belly jump. I started to get really concerned. I know babies have lazy periods, but I also know that a sudden change in movement patterns can be a sign of fetal distress and a cause for concern. I was in tears. I got up, jumped around, and drank a big glass of cold water. I told dad that if you didn't start moving more in the next 30 minutes, we were going to the hospital to check things out.

Thankfully, you did start moving around more shortly after. I've never been so happy to get kicked in the crotch as I was right then! I stayed up and monitored things, and finally fell asleep about an hour later when you had finally convinced me you were doing just fine in there.

I'm glad we didn't have to make a trip to Labor and Delivery, but I'm also not going to apologize for being overly cautious. If this happens again, and my gut tells me I should get checked out, I won't hesitate to do so. If I end up being that crazy, paranoid girl that comes goes to the hospital every other week, so be it--I'm not taking any chances this time around!

4) A couple people asked me about the 'tree of life' pendants, and how to make them. Here's a link to the youtube video I followed. I did tweak her instructions quite a bit, but this is a great place to start.

5) As for the quote coasters and hanging tiles/signs, I don't have a link because I took a bunch of different ideas and combined them to make these :) Here are some quick instructions if you want to make some yourself (they are perfect for cheap Christmas presents!):

For the coasters:

You'll need 4X4 plain tiles from Home Depot; they are $.016 a piece (and even cheaper if you buy a big box of them), plain white tissue paper (just the regular kind you'd use to wrap presents or whatever), mod podge, a paint brush, a hot glue gun, and something to line the back (cork, felt, whatever you want).
I found a bunch of quotes I liked on Pinterest, and used Picnik.com (a free photo editing program) to design the coasters. Just play around with the fonts to make them look the way you like.
Print the coaster designs onto the tissue paper. To do this, you have to 'trick' your printer by taping he tissue paper onto regular 8.5X11 printing paper. Make sure all the edges are taped down well, or it will get stuck in the printer.
Cut out the tissue paper designs and mod podge them to the tiles. Be really careful as the tissue is very fragile and will rip easily. I purposely scrape at the corners so that you don't have super straight edges. I do about 3-4 coats of the mod podge.
Glue on your backing using a hot glue gun.

For the hanging tiles/signs:

It's pretty much the same process as the coasters, but using 6X8 tiles, also from Home Depot (they are like $.50 a piece). You'll also need to attach a hanger of some sort--I used a thick hemp/twine.

Hope that helps! You can email me (kristin.cook23@gmail.com) if you have any questions.

Alright, I think that's about it for today. Sorry for the long, whiny, and all over the place post!

I love you so much, Baby E. No more scaring mama (at least for awhile), okay? :)

XOXO,
Mom

24(ish) weeks

2011-12-12T12:27:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
On Friday we hit 24 weeks! Well, according to ultrasound measurements, you hit 24 weeks a while ago, but I guess I am just catching up :). I can tell from both my growing belly and your increasingly obvious movements, that you are getting bigger and stronger everyday. This week I've felt really, just happy. And excited. Might not last forever, but I'm running with it for now!

This weekend was also Dad's 27th birthday. On Saturday (his actual birthday), we had a nice, relaxing day hanging out with a couple of his best friends. I think I ate the worst I've ever eaten in my entire life that day, too. Donuts and cookies for breakfast, frozen pizza for lunch, and amazingly greasy (and awesome) chicken wings for dinner. Throw in a movie theater-sized box of Sweet Tarts, a few Mountain Dews, and half a block of cheddar cheese, and I was feeling quite gross by the end of the night! Please, Baby, don't think you're going to get to eat like this once you're on the outside!

Yesterday we celebrated Dad's birthday with the Cook side of the family. Dad shares a birthday with your Auntie Rachel, so we had a nice joint-party for the two of them:

Dad asked his parents for a record player about a month ago, and has literally not stopped talking about it since. Needless to say, he was pretty excited to finally have the thing in his hands. We spent the evening at home listening to the ever-growing stack of old records he's been collecting from thrift stores:

Dad decided this weekend that he is going to play, in its entirety, an album a night for you, so that you come out familiar with all the classics. His first pick was Pantera, since they are the band that he and his friend Elliot (the one you are named after) used to jam to all the time. He was pretty thrilled that you seemed to be a fan, jumping all over the place (even doing a somersault or two).

In between birthday stuff, I managed to complete a few more craft projects/gifts. I have been making these quote coasters and hanging wall tiles and am really happy with how they are turning out:

And thanks to a tutorial my friend Julie sent me, I also started making these 'tree of life' pendants and I am obsessed with them (like I am anything related to trees in general!):

Even your dad is getting in on the crafting. Last night he spent over an hour sewing patches onto a couple of his favorite pants with holes in them. Okay, so not really "crafting" per say, but I thought it was pretty cool to see him hunched over the sewing machine :)

Alright, little boy, I'll talk to you soon!

Love you so much,

Mom

2 years

2011-12-09T12:55:00.000-06:00

Dear Stevie,
Two years ago, today, I became a mother. I'll never forget how I felt the moment that second pink line showed up on that little Dollar Tree test. In that moment, my heart expanded in ways I'd never imagined possible. In that moment, my life changed forever.

I've been a mother for two years, yet I'm still waiting to bring my baby home. Hopefully soon.

I love you so much, little girl. I miss you everyday.

Always,
Mom

Caught on camera!

2011-12-08T11:32:00.001-06:00

Dear Elliot,
I finally caught a couple of your little kicks on camera. I was playing my favorite old kids movie songs for you and you were going nuts. I got out my phone to start recording, and sure enough, you slowed down, but I was still able to capture a few precious movements. Here's the video (look on the left side of my belly; they're kind of hard to see):

Seriously, how cool is that? I just don't think its possible to ever get used to the fact that there is a living, kicking little human inside of you. Unbelievable.

I love you more than words can say, baby boy.

XOXO,
Mom

These feet...

2011-12-06T13:12:00.000-06:00

...are in my ribs!

Hi Elliot. We had our growth ultrasound this morning and I am so happy to report that everything is looking wonderful! You were measuring 24w4d at 23w3d (by EDD), and were kicking away like usual. The ultrasound tech was like, '"wow, he has some strong kicks!" Yeah, tell me about it!

This was the first ultrasound where you were facing head-down, and we could see your gigantic feet kicking my ribs. I can't believe you're already that far up there. I will say the rib kicks are much more enjoyable than the crotch kicks I've gotten so accustomed to :)

We weren't able to get a good profile picture this time because you had your little hands crossed in front of your face the whole time. We tried poking and proding, and flipping over from side to side, and you just buried your face even further down and away. I could just imagine you thinking, "come on, guys, just leave me alone!" Hopefully next time we'll be able to get a good 3D picture of your cute little face.

The cord blood flow was looking good, which is always what I am the most concerned about. I hope that Lovenox shots continue to do their job, keeping you growing and healthy.

The Perinatologist that came in and talked with us after the scan didn't recommend another level II ultrasound for eight weeks (when I'll be 32 weeks along). The original plan was to do the next one at 28 weeks, and he said I can still get one done then if I need to for peace of mind, but he doesn't see any indication that I need one that soon. I think I am still going to push for it anyway. After 32 weeks we'll also be starting weekly nonstress tests and biophysical profiles (where they can check that blood flow). I just have to make it through the holidays and then the crazy appointment schedule can begin!

Alright, Baby, I've gotta run. Sorry this is so quick and boring. Boring is good, though. I'll gladly take boring this time around!

Your dad and I love you so, so much.

Always,

Mom

23 weeks

2011-12-05T12:31:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
On Friday we hit 23 weeks. Only a week until the 'viability' point, and just another two weeks after that until we pass the week that Stevie died. I can definitely feel myself getting more and more anxious as that milestone approaches, but I am really starting to think God must have known I was going to be a nervous wreck this pregnancy, and decided to give me a crazy baby who makes his presence VERY known. Seriously kid, what are you doing in there?! You move more often, more pronounced, and more consistently at 23 weeks than your big sis ever did, even at 26 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it, I'm just trying to figure out when you have time to sleep! :)

I am so in awe of how much of a personality you have already. Not surprisingly (given who your mom is ) you seem to be a stubborn one. I have been trying to get video of my belly moving around like 20 times, and every attempt goes something like this: you're kicking like crazy, so I get the laptop all set up to film. As soon as I hit 'record,' you stop kicking. I record for 2-3 minutes, waiting for you to start up again. I finally give up and hit 'stop.' Then you immediately start moving again. One of these days I'm gonna catch it, I swear!

You also seem to be over my super paranoid-ness at night. The other night at around 3am, I had a freak out because I poked you a couple times and you weren't waking up. So I went downstairs and downed a caffeine-free Mountain Dew. When I lay back down in bed, you not only woke up, but proceeded to stay awake and kicking the crap out of my insides for over an hour. Sorry Baby, I totally deserved that :)

Anyway, here is the most recent belly picture, at 23 weeks, 2 days. Your dad took the picture and when I saw it I said, "whoa, I look huge!" He responded with, "yeah, you kind of look like that blueberry girl from Willy Wonka in that shirt." How sweet!

It's finally looking and feeling like winter around here. This probably sounds really weird, but I've been super excited for snow season to start because that makes it seem like March is just around the corner! Seeing that this is Minnesota, there's about a 99% chance it will still be snowing when you are born. So we've now made it through half of summer, all of fall, and are into the season in which you will make your big debut :)

(apparently your dad was so excited about the snow he couldn't help but make this weird face)

Before I go, I just have to take a minute to brag about the girls (our dogs). They can be naughty--barking at doorbells on TV, begging for everyone's food, randomly deciding to take fun little runs around the neighborhood when we are stupid enough to let them out to pee off-leash--but they are so, so good when it comes to the things that matter. They love little kids, and are so totally chill and nonagressive that they have no problem when said little kids pick them up, pull on their tails, etc etc. I am pretty certain both of them have somehow known about you for a long time (maybe even before I did!). Since being pregnant, they are pretty much permanently attached to my belly. I seriously can't wait for you to meet these sweet, crazy little creatures!

I have my 24 week growth ultrasound at the perinatal clinic tomorrow morning. I'm both incredibly nervous (as always) and excited to see you again. I'm hoping maybe they'll switch over to the 3D mode to give us a glimpse of your face :)

I love you little boy!

XOXO,

Mom

My prize

2011-12-01T11:58:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was a Sunday afternoon. I was eight years old. Deeply engrossed in a 'coloring contest' with my best friends from church, 97.3 KBSG, Seattle's oldies radio station, playing in the background. The radio DJ came on and announced a contest for the day: when they played 'Fun, Fun, Fun' by the Beach Boys (you know the one, "and she'll have fun, fun, fun til her daddy takes the T-bird away..."), the 10th person to call in would win $1,000 to spend on something--you guessed it--fun.

As soon as we heard the words '$1,000 dollars,' our little ears perked up in excitement. We abandoned our coloring contest and immediately ran upstairs to my friend Chelsea's bedroom to start devising a scheme for winning that money. We came up with a plan that we were absolutely certain would work. As soon as 'Fun, Fun, Fun' started playing, we would set a timer for 15 seconds, the exact amount of time we determined would make us caller number 10. For when the DJ asked us how we were going to spend the money, we each came up with a cute one-sentence answer on how we would spend our share.

For literally hours, we sat on Chelsea's bed in a circle, a little hand-held radio playing in the middle of us, her mom's kitchen timer ready to be set. We did a few practice run-throughs during commercials, just to be sure we had everything down. We dreamed about all the things we were going to do and buy with our prize. We held our breathes with anticipation and excitement at the end of every song. Was this it? Was the next song going to be the one?

Chelsea's dad came into the room at one point and tried to get us to come down for dinner. "Shhhhhh!" we told him, "we need to win this money first!" He tried to warn us that there was a very small chance we would win, but we knew better. Our plan was foolproof.

I can so vividly remember being so confident that we were going to win that money. It wasn't even a question in my eight-year-old mind. I really truly believed it was going to happen.

Finally, it was time. 'Fun, Fun, Fun' began to play. We screamed. Chelsea set the timer. My hands shook as I held the phone and got ready to dial. "Five, four, three, two, one...call! Call! Call! Hurry!" I dialed the number to the radio station and we all huddled around to listen in.

"Beep. Beep. Beep..."

It was busy.

We hit redial and waited.

"Beep. Beep. Beep..."

Busy again.

Over and over and over again we hit that redial button, our hopes fading each time we heard that soul-crushing "beep beep beep" coming through the phone's receiver.

We must have tried calling at least 100 times during the course of that 3-minute song. When it was over, and some other lucky caller was on the air winning our money, we all just kind of sat there in a state of shock. We were crushed.

I think that was the day I lost my innocence. My naivety. My sense of pure, unadulterated optimism. I realized no matter how badly you want something, no matter how hard you work for it, sometimes you just don't get it. To this day, I've never called into a radio station contest again.

It kind of feels like this same story replayed itself with Stevie. When I was pregnant with her, there was no real question in my mind about whether or not she would be born alive and come home from the hospital. She was my $1,000 'fun, fun, fun money' prize, and I was absolutely certain she was mine to keep.

When she died, it was like relearning that hard lesson about life not always going the way you want it to all over again (and about a million times more intense, obviously).

Now being pregnant again, with you, it's like I'm sitting around, phone in hand, hoping this time, I'll win.
But there's no confidence this time, no optimism. I wish so badly I had that back. I just want to know in my heart that everything is going to work out this time.

This time, I want my prize.

I love you so much, baby boy.

Always,
Mom

PS. I sincerely apologize for mentioning something as awesome as bacon guacamole in my last post and not including a recipe :) We don't really go off of any recipe, but here's how we make bacon guac at our house:

Ingredients:
3-4 avocados (depending on how big they are)
3/4 of a purple onion, chopped
a big handful of chopped fresh cilantro
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
3-5 red and green serrano peppers, to taste (we also sometimes add a habanero to make it extra spicy), chopped
4 limes
salt and pepper to taste
4 strips of bacon, nice and crispy

Mash up the avocados in a big bowl. Add the chopped onion, cilantro, garlic, and peppers. Squeeze in the juice of 4 limes. Add salt and pepper. Chop up your bacon and stir it into the guac. Enjoy!

A sorta merry Christmas

2011-11-30T13:47:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
Last year I wanted nothing to do with Christmas. I banned the Christmas music radio station in the car, refused to put up any decorations, and basically tried to pretend that the whole thing wasn't really happening.

This year, I am definitely feeling more in the spirit of things, but I wouldn't call this time 'the most wonderful time of the year' just yet. While last year's was an all out crappy Christmas, I have a feeling this year's will be a sorta merry Christmas. Yes, the pain is not nearly as fresh or intense, and having you with me this year helps quite a bit, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I should have an 18-month old daughter to spoil this Christmas; that I should be out searching for the perfect play kitchen, or maybe her first baby doll, and toiling over which ruffly Christmas dress she should wear to church on Christmas Eve.

It will be a sorta merry Christmas this year because even though you've brought so much new joy and excitement into my heart, it still breaks into a million little pieces when I think of should have, could have been.

I'm still not in the mood to go all-out with decorations and stuff this year, but I do want to start letting some of that Christmas magic back into our lives. The first step was getting a tree. We have a big artificial tree down in the basement somewhere, but Dad and I decided we really wanted the smell that comes with a real pine tree. But I didn't really want a full size tree in the living room, so we found the perfect three-foot tall potted fir tree at Bachmans.

I pulled out the tote full of ornaments that sat untouched in the garage last year, and gathered all the Stevie ornaments I got as gifts from people last Christmas. I had forgotten how many of them there were! While I unwrapped ornaments, Dad put up some lights (and was apparently really happy about me taking a picture of him doing it, ha):

I wanted to eat something 'Christmas-y' while we decorated, but I also had a craving for bacon guacamole (seriously, so good). In the end we decided that guac is green like Christmas, so it worked:

We also busted out the first egg nog of the season:

And in no time at all, we were finished trimming our little tree:

Yes, it's small, a bit uneven, and kind of tips forward like it wants to fall over, but it's ours, and I love it. Baby steps, right?

Here's a little picture of you during your first (of what I hope is many) tree-trimming experiences:

Even if all we get is a sorta merry Christmas this year, I'll be grateful. Sure beats a crappy Christmas, right? :)

I love you, Little E. Can't wait to see you again on Tuesday!

XOXO,

Mom

PS. I had a lot of people ask about the mother nest necklaces I've been making, so I decided to put them up on Etsy! If you are interested in ordering one for yourself or someone you know, click here to go to my little shop. I still need a shop name (Foxy Lady is my default screen name for like everything, and no it's not because I think I'm hot stuff, it's after my dog Foxy!) The necklaces are a nice way to include any lost babies. I made one for myself and actually included four eggs--one for Stevie, one for Elliot, and one for each of my dogs (yes, I am obsessed with my dogs). Anyway, check it out if you want! Thanks!

Let it go.

2011-11-29T15:36:00.001-06:00

Dear Stevie,
I saw this picture on Pinterest (where else?) and it really struck a chord.

Three simple words, so hard to do. I try not to talk about it much here, because I never know who is reading this blog, but there are some people in my life that have really let me down this last year and a half. People (family, even) who seem like they couldn't care less that you died--have never mentioned you by name since it happened, have never acknowledged the 'important' dates like your birthday, even when I know they see these things all over facebook, and now, don't appear to be interested in your new little brother either. It just makes me really sad (and okay, mad) that so many people out there who haven't even met me take the time to remember you and are so excited about Elliot...and these people that should care, just don't (or at least don't show it at all).

I am trying really, really hard to not let these few people get me down, but it's hard. It's hard not to hold onto the anger and become bitter toward them. I don't want to be that person, I really don't.

I guess what it comes down to is that I can't change them. I can't make them act the way I wish they would. All I can do is let it go, by letting them go.

I really miss you today, baby girl.

Love always,

Mom

Thanksgiving Weekend

2011-11-28T15:33:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
Going into this year's Thanksgiving, all I knew was that it had to be better than last year's. Last year, my Thanksgiving consisted of eating boxed stuffing in bed and watching Bones on Netflix, all by myself. My family was out of town visiting my grandma, who was dying, and I was just didn't have it in me to spend the day with the in-laws. Spending that first 'big' holiday without your sister was absolutely awful.

Well, I am very happy to report this year was much, much better. Of course she was still on my mind, and I missed her like crazy (just like every other day), but this year I felt like I had a lot to be truly thankful for. The biggest thing being you, of course.

Anyway, Thanksgiving weekend actually started out with a bit of a scare. I had been experiencing some fairly frequent (like 5-6 times a day) tightening of my uterus/lower abdomen for a couple of days. Dr. Google told me these were probably just Braxton Hicks contractions, and nothing to worry about, but of course I was worried anyway. I spoke to the triage nurse at my doctor's office on Wednesday morning about my concerns. She basically reiterated everything I'd read online and said everything was "probably just fine." Thing is, I don't trust the word "probably" anymore, so I asked if I could come in and get checked out, just to be sure. They were able to fit me in for that afternoon.

My regular doctor wasn't in the office that day, so I saw a new person. She was very nice, but I kind of felt like a total idiot because everything was completely fine. She said my cervix was super long and high and closed (like it should be), and that unless the contractions I was feeling started to become more regular/consistent, or if I was having more than four in an hour, that they were a normal part of being pregnant. It was honestly a less than five-minute appointment. I tried to apologize for wasting her time, but she said, "no need to be sorry--that's what we're here for." That made me feel a little bit better. Better to be safe than sorry, right?

So anyway, it was nice to go into the long weekend knowing everything was all well pregnancy-wise.

Thanksgiving morning Dad got up super early to run in the Turkey Day 5K that was going on downtown. While he was out working up a sweat, I was sleeping in and taking a nice long bubble bath. :) Around lunchtime we drove up to his parent's house for the big Thanksgiving meal. Can I just say I love being pregnant on Thanksgiving? I ate until I literally could not fit another bite in my stomach, and it felt great.

The girls also ate until I thought their little tummies were going to explode. Here they are, begging for food:

And again:

In addition to all the amazing food, it was also really nice to spend some time with Dad's side of the family. Both of his sets of grandparents were there (one set all the way from Colorado!), and your Auntie Katie (Dad's little sister) got to spend some good quality time with her 'nieces':

Later that evening, we headed to my parents' house for Thanksgiving Part II. We took you to see your first Muppet movie, and it was awesome. I have been excited to see this movie for almost a year, since I found out Jason Segel was behind it, and the guy from Flight of the Conchords was writing all the music. Judging by the way you were dancing right along to 'Ma nah ma nah' and all the other songs, I think you liked it as much as I did!

After the movie, we went back and had a pretty epic spread of appetizers (sushi, crackers and dips, pasta salads, chicken wings, cheese, etc etc) while we played Trivial Pursuit:

Over the course of the weekend, we played seven games and Dad and I beat your Grandparents four of those games, making us the Trivia Pursuit World Champions. Considering my parents have like 30 years of experience on us, and are pretty well-known as the team to beat, this is a pretty big deal. I'm already looking forward to the rematch on Christmas Eve!

Since going out shopping the night and/or morning of Black Friday sounds about as appealing to me as, I don't know, scrubbing my toilet, we slept in the next morning and had leftovers for lunch (the best part of Thanksgiving, if you ask me!). Later that afternoon we did hit a couple of stores, but they weren't crowded by that point, and since I'm trying to make this year a "handmade-only Christmas," I didn't buy anything.

That is until we went to Joann Fabrics. 50% off all beads and beading supplies! 60% off all canvases! 50% off fabric remnants! 40% off my brand of yarn! I was in craft heaven. For under $60 I got everything I need to make presents for everyone on my list this year.

One thing I've been making for a lot of the women in my life are these mother 'nest' necklaces:

I've seen them all over the place to buy, but they are super easy to make (thanks again, Pinterest!). The beads/eggs represent the number of babies. I think they are just so sweet. I made the one below for your Great Grandma (Dad's Grammie)'s 80th birthday and gave it to her yesterday. Three eggs for her three sons, including the one who died shortly after birth 50 years ago. I know from experience how special (and rare) it is to have those babies included. I think she really liked it.

Over the weekend we also hit 22 weeks. I feel like I am getting bigger and bigger every single day at this point. I love that I'm at the point where I look obviously pregnant. When I walked into an elevator the other day, the lady standing in it took one look at me and said, "I sure hope that's not contagious!"

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with an asthma specialist. I've had pretty bad asthma almost my entire life, but it's getting worse and worse as this pregnancy progresses--like to the point where I can't make it up a flight of stairs without feeling out of breath and in need of my inhaler. I am really hoping this doctor can help me get it better under control. This is probably the understatement of the year, but feeling like you can't breathe is not fun!

Well, happy belated Thanksgiving, little E! I am so beyond thankful to have had a part in making and carrying not one, but two perfect little babies. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Always,

Mom

22 weeks

2011-11-26T15:30:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
Happy 22 weeks (yesterday), baby boy! I want to a big Thanksgiving weekend wrap-up soon, but since the weekend isn't over yet, I think I'll wait until later. So for now, here's a little belly comparison:

What a difference 16 weeks can make, right?! I remember taking the 6-week shot and thinking my "belly" looked big then. Ha! I seem to be expanding everywhere this time around. Kind of hard to believe we still have another 16 weeks (or so) to go!

Keep growing big and strong. Talk to you soon!

Love,
Mom

21 weeks

2011-11-21T13:59:00.001-06:00

Dear Elliot,
We hit the big 2-1 on Friday and I kind of can't believe it! The first 12 weeks or so of this pregnancy seemed to just crawl by, and now, it's all happening so fast. It seems so surreal that Thanksgiving is this week, and that Christmas is just a few weeks after that. The unusually warm (and awesome!) fall we've had here in Minnesota may have something to do with the fact that it just doesn't seem right. We finally had our first snow on Saturday, so I suppose that's helping it to sink in, at least a little bit!

Here's my 21-week belly shot, outside in said snow:

There's really not much new to report on the pregnancy front, but I will say this: I am no Beyonce, or Jessica Simpson, or any other lucky girl who has "never felt sexier" than during pregnancy. Well, unless of course you count prepubescent-type breakouts, and puking, and a puffy face (and legs!) as "sexy." I mean, I literally haven't shaved my legs since August. I can't make it up the stairs without huffing and puffing like an old lady. I get daily random nose bleeds and Charlie Horse leg cramps that hurt so bad I wake up screaming in pain. For whatever reason, my body just doesn't enjoy growing little humans inside it. I swear, it's punishing me or something.

But you know what? In spite of all the not so pleasant physical side effects pregnancy bestows upon me, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have gotten to experience it--twice. For the chance to hear your heartbeat for just one brief second, to feel just one of your kicks, I'd gladly take all the aches and pain and puking in the world.

And those little kicks of yours? They just keep getting stronger, and more and more frequent. You already seem to have a schedule down even. It's to the point where you are super active at 10am, after I eat lunch, 4pm, after I eat dinner, 10pm, and at least once during the middle of the night. You switch positions a lot--I'll go from feeling you way down low, to right around my belly button, to back down again, all in a matter of minutes sometimes. If I am laying down flat on my back, we can even see your kicks from the outside now. So amazing, seriously. I don't know if it's because you're a boy, or because this is my second time being pregnant, but your movements at 21 weeks seems stronger and more consistent than Stevie's, even at almost 26 weeks. I'm thinking you must have inherited some of your dad's athletic abilities :)

Anyway, I'm excited to continue to work on getting your nursery ready this week. I found an adorable old wooden rocking horse at the Goodwill yesterday ($4.99!) that I am going to refurb for you:

I'm not sure why, but I'm like obsessed with this thing! I love simple wood toys and have been keeping my eye out for a rocking horse. I can't believe I found one, and for so cheap!

Alright baby boy, I suggest you start gearing up for an epic feast on Thursday :)

I love you so much,

Mom

Nursery progress

2011-11-18T12:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
Well what do you know, it's time for another crafty post!

Call me obsessed, but getting the chance to use my artsy side again has been amazing. I was telling someone the other day, it's become almost like therapy for me during this stressful pregnancy. It's a few hours each day where I can turn off my mind and focus on simply creating. I was always really artistic as a kid, and in high school, I was that girl who ate her lunch in the art room most days. But I kind of lost that part of myself once college and then "real life" began. Anyway, I'm really happy to be rediscovering something that makes me feel so good.

My goal is to hand-make as much as I possibly can for your nursery. I figure handmade is a) cheaper and b) more special, so since I have the time, why not use it. So this week I finished the canvases for above your crib:

The best part about it is the 'leaves' are attached with velcro so we can change them out during the different seasons! I wish I could take credit for that brilliant idea, but it was actually your Grandma's (my mom's). Does it surprise anyone she was a preschool teacher for many years?? So I started out with fallish colors to match some of the other things I've made for your room, but I am also going to be making blue and white circles for winter (snowballs!), little buds for spring, and lots of green for summer. I really hope once you're older we can have all sorts of fun changing out the circles together :)

At first I was just going to paint the whole mural, and actually got as far as painting a blue background on the canvases before deciding I didn't like that look at all. So I went to Goodwill and bought a couple $0.99 old books (some sort of catholic saints book, and one titled "Dealing with Difficult People." I kind of felt like a weirdo when it was time to check out!) I covered the front and sides of the canvases with the torn book pages, and used Modge Podge to seal it, giving the background a cool antique-y look. Again, I didn't think of this little fact myself, but my dad pointed out that books come from trees, so I'll just pretend that was my reasoning all along, ha.

After the background was done, I drew a simple outline of a tree, then painted it (using acrylics):

For the circle leaves, I used scrapbook cardstock, cut out circles in a variety of sizes, and attached them to the canvases using stick-on velcro dots:

I am super happy with how this project turned out. I absolutely love it, and I hope you will too. A little whisper of Stevie, above you while you sleep.

Just so you can see how things are coming together, here are the nursery projects I've completed so far:

Things still on the list include deciding on a paint color for the walls, making curtains, and finding crib bedding I actually like. I really just want something very simple and plain (like a solid brown/beige, or maybe a quilted look?), and am having a hard time finding anything that doesn't have animals, or cars, or sports crap all over it! I also still have a few more tree-related projects to get done, too. This is seriously so much fun.

Well, happy 21 weeks, Baby E! I am getting so anxious to meet you.

Love always,

Mom

PS. Thank you so much for all the amazingly supportive comments on my last post. You all made me feel about a million times better (and less crazy!). I love you guys.

The night terrors

2011-11-16T11:28:00.000-06:00

Dear Elliot,
During the day, I am doing okay. Good even. You're always moving around (so much actually, that I think you might have inherited your mom and dad's 'ADD tendencies'!) so my anxiety is at a pretty easily managed level. I mean, I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I mostly feel pretty positive and confident that you are doing alright in there. I haven't even had to use my doppler in over a week, because now I can just poke you and get you to poke back if I'm ever in need of some reassurance.

So daytime is good, but nighttime is a different story. Once it's dark and quiet, and Dad is snoring next to me, and the dogs all quiet and cuddled up at my sides, and I'm laying there in that awful state of being really super tired but unable to fall asleep, my mind starts to wander. It goes to those dark places I try to avoid all day long. I start to think about things like "what if my blood is clotting up right now and I don't even know it," or, now that I'm past the 20-week mark, "what if I end up being that girl that has two stillbirths?" I've even all but written out the words I would post on this blog to let my readers know it was all over...again.

It honestly makes me sick to even type this right now. I am absolutely terrified that by thinking those thoughts, I'm going to make them all come true. When my mind starts to go there during the day, I can stop it. But at night, it just gets away from me somehow. It's like I need to be fully awake in order to control it or something.

I think as I get closer and closer to the week we lost Stevie, it's getting worse and worse. The last few nights have been especially bad. You're less active at night, so I spend hours in bed obsessing over every movement (or lack thereof). I feel like I'm constantly rolling onto my back and shaking my belly around to make you kick. I'll literally plead, "come on baby, just one kick so Mama knows you're okay," and lay as still as can be until I feel it. What kind of horrible mom wakes her baby up multiple times during the night for her own piece of mind? It makes me feel like a total psycho to be honest.

Then the morning comes and I feel like a different (much more sane!) person. I'm back to feeling happy and normal and confident again.

These 'night terrors' are really making me dread bed time.

I really need to figure out a way to relax at night (or even better, actually sleep!) This whole experience is really hard. Harder than I ever imagined.

I love you so much, Baby.

XOXO,
Mom

Weekend baby prep

2011-11-14T12:35:00.002-06:00

Dear Elliot,
This weekend I spent a lot of time doing 'baby prep.' I figure it's going to get crazy busy with the holidays coming up, so why not get some things done while there's nothing going on?

The first thing I did this weekend was finish up blanket #2 for you. Blanket #1, the Charlie Brown blanket, ended up looking exactly how a Charlie Brown anything should look--scraggly and not quite perfect. Totally reminded me of the Charlie Brown Christmas tree! So I decided to try again, and my second attempt turned out much better:

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty proud of myself! I just used the same yarn I had left over from the tree/leaf mobile I made you last month. My friend Brandi pointed out that it kind of looks like a little Rastafarian blanket, and while that wasn't my intention, she's totally right. I really hope you like it, Baby!

On Saturday morning I shopping with two of my good friends from college, Jill and Jenny. Jill's favorite boy name is Elliot, so you might just have a friend that shares your name one day. We decided you can be 'Big E' and he can he 'Little E.' :) Anyway, after walking around a craft fair for awhile, we stopped by this place called The Cottage House. It's basically a house full of awesome, antique-y, shabby chic, unique furniture and decorating items--and the best part is, everything is really cheap! They are only open one weekend a month, and I guess people line up to get the best stuff the first day it opens each time. While I didn't get any furniture (though I was really, really tempted!), I did score some super awesome old suitcases to use for photography shoots (think kids sitting on them in the woods), and this fence thingy (really, I have no idea what it is) that I am going to use in your nursery to hang things on:

I also got a cute little wooden table that I am going to refinish for your room for a whopping $4. Seriously anyone who lives in the Minneapolis area should definitely check this place out (their next sale starts the day after Thanksgiving!).

Yesterday afternoon Dad and I went to his brother Bill's home pottery show (quick shameless plug: you can check out his awesome pieces here!) Your Grandma was there and brought us four bags full of baby boy clothes from one of her coworkers who had her son last March. When we got home last night, we had so much fun going through and organizing everything. Let me tell you kid, you are set for clothes for at least the first six months! We're talking like at least 30-40 onesies, tons of adorable little outfits (T-shirts and shorts sets, etc), lots of PJs, a huge pile of adorable little polos, 10-15 pairs of jeans, khakis, and plaid shorts, about a million little pairs of socks (God, I love baby socks for some reason!), and more. I have no idea if the person who gave us all this stuff reads this blog or not, but if you're out there reading this, THANK YOU! This is going to help us out big-time. What a blessing!

E, I cannot tell you how excited I am to stuff your chubby little arms and legs (believe me, they will be chubby!) into this stuff come spring.

After playing with all your new clothes last night, I decided to work a bit on our online registry (we're also going to do Target, but seeing how often they change merchandise there, I'm thinking we'll wait until after Christmas to tackle that one). It's kind of overwhelming for me to do this again. I mean, part of me feels like an idiot for assuming we're going to actually have a need for all this baby stuff. I spent all sorts of time doing this stuff for Stevie, after all, and never even made it to my baby shower. I guess I will just continue to hope and pray and plead and wish with everything in me that this time we'll have a need for all the bottles and bibs and diapers on our list.

Speaking of diapers: I am leaning toward trying the cloth diapering thing. Now that I am going to be home with you fulltime, I think I might actually be able to do it, but I am pretty overwhelmed by all the different options out there. If anyone reading has any cloth diapering advice/resources, that would be awesome! Right now I am kind of trying to decide between doing regular cloth or one of the hybrid options (ie: Gdiapers with the disposable inserts). I have no idea how much laundry time is involved when you go the straight-up cloth route, and I really hate doing laundry :).

Okay, so this post is sort of all over the place. I'll end it with a few pictures of us at 20.5 weeks:

My view these days

I love you, Baby Boy. Keep growin' and movin' like a champ--I love nothing more than feeling your little kicks and punches each day.

Talk to you soon,

Mom

18 months, 20 weeks

2011-11-08T13:58:00.002-06:00

Dear Stevie,
Today marks 18 months since you've been gone, sweet girl. A year and a half. 547 days. Wow, where has the time gone? A year ago today, I wrote this:

If anything, the last 182 days have taught me what its like to really feel. Happiness, sadness, anger, jealously, guilt, hope, strength, weakness, peace, bitterness, vulnerability, empathy, excitement, confusion, clarity, apathy, passion, sorrow, joy, hate, love. I've experienced them all, sometimes at the same time.

The painful emotions cut deeper than they ever have before, but you know what? The emotions on the other side of the spectrum--things like passion, strength, love--I feel them with such intensity now. It's like my capacity for feeling has expanded 10-fold. When I'm sad, I'm sadder than I knew was possible 182 days ago. But when I love, boy do I love so much deeper.

I feel exactly the same way today. Not only was today your 18-month 'birthday,' it was the day of our 20-week ultrasound at the Perinatal clinic. A chance to see your little brother again. Bittersweet for sure.

Even as I was missing my little girl this morning, I was falling even more in love with my little boy. I was sad that you aren't here, yet so happy to be experiencing the joy of growing new life inside me. Because I know what it's like to hear bad news in the ultrasound room, when it's good news, it sounds so much sweeter. I truly believe because of you, I appreciate this whole experience on such a deeper level.

I was a nervous wreck (as always) going into the ultrasound this morning. Since this one was at the high risk office, I had an ultrasound tech I had never met before. I was worried she wasn't going to talk me through everything she was doing, and I would be on pins and needles the whole time, but she ended up being really great. Everything continues to look really, really good. E is measuring right on track, has a perfect looking heart (and other organs!), and was moving around all over the place. It was so cool to be able to see him kicking on the screen and feel it at the same time.

Your baby brother totally has your nose :)

Big feet just like Dad

After the ultrasound tech finished doing all the measurements, a doctor came in to check things out. He was super funny. He kept referring to E as "the kid," and told us everything looked "beautiful." He showed us a super creepy view of E's facial skeleton, where his mouth was half-open and you could see one eye socket really clearly, and we all laughed at loud:

I have a similar picture from your ultrasound where we decided you looked just like the evil queen from Snow White :)

After the ultrasound Dad and I celebrated with lunch at Ruby Tuesday (I had a major craving for a salad bar!), and a little Starbucks drive through (caramel apple cider for me, yummmm):

Today is a happy day, but it would be so much happier if you were here for it. I miss you, and I love you so much. Thank you for coming into my world 18 months ago and for changing me forever.

Always,

Mom

19 weeks and some feedback?

2011-11-07T14:05:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers,
So I've been trying to come up with (or I guess build up) a few different part-time things I can do for income when I'm at home with E, now that I don't have a fulltime job (and don't plan on getting one). The writing stuff has actually been going pretty well, and I still have Faces, too, but one thing I have always, always wanted to do was photography. I love it, and I think I have a pretty good natural eye for it. Then recently I started getting really into crafting, too, and a lot of the crafts I've been doing involve photographs. So it hit me (well actually, my BFF Jersa was the first one to mention it)--why not combine the two? Photography and photography 'art'? Not only could I take pictures for people, but I could give them the option of ordering cool, handmade gifts using the images from their sessions. What do you guys think? Is this a really weird/stupid idea, or do you think there might be some interest? I'm thinking I'd offer things like coaster sets, photo tile wall displays, clothespin photo frames, and hand-transfered canvases.

I started working on a little portfolio website, and I'd love it if you'd check it out and give me any feedback you might have. Here's the link (and please keep in mind it's definitely not "live" or even close to finished yet!) Thank you SO much for your help!

Also, I wanted to share a quick 19(ish) week belly shot:

The wind ruined every shot, but you can tell I am really starting to pop out with this little guy!

Our 20-week level II ultrasound is tomorrow morning. I am incredibly nervous and having a really hard time relaxing today. Any thoughts/prayers/good vibes/whatever would be greatly appreciated! I will try to update as soon as I can tomorrow (with hopefully good news and lots of pictures of little E!)

Thanks again you guys.

Love,
Kristin

Nesting already??

2011-11-06T19:28:00.002-06:00

Dear Elliot,
I have never been what you'd consider a 'house wife' type. I don't like to cook, I don't like to clean, and I don't really care about things like home decor or hosting dinner parties. But that seems to be changing. It started happening right at the end with Stevie, but with you, my so-called 'nesting' tendencies are already here and in full-swing.

Perfect example: last night Dad and his friend Dan were hanging out, watching movies at our place, when I decided I wanted to bake cookies for all of us. So I did. Now there are three very unusual things about this. 1) I wanted to bake cookies, 2) I didn't ruin said cookies*, and 3) When the cookies were done, I served Dad and Dan a plate of cookies each, with a glass of cold milk on the side (believe me, this might be the first time in my life I've ever served anyone anything without being asked!)

Awesome cake batter pudding cookie recipe can be found here

I also spent about an hour vacuuming and spot-cleaning the stairs in our house yesterday. That sentence alone is probably enough to convince anyone that knows me that something strange is definitely going on.

I don't know if crafting counts as a symptom of nesting, but that's really all I want to do, all the time. Make things. Get my hands messy. Be creative. I promise this isn't going to turn into a crafting blog, but I thought I'd share a couple projects I did this weekend, both using 4X4 $.016 tiles I picked up at Home Depot.

The first project I tackled was making photo coasters. I figured if they turned out alright, they would make perfect (and super cheap!) Christmas gifts for just about everyone I know. I decided to make the first set for our friends from Australia, Dannii and Eben (if you're reading this, Dannii, sorry for ruining the surprise!)

I basically just printed the photos I wanted onto tissue paper (I'll explain how to do that in a sec), modge podged the pictures to the tiles, added a couple coats of clear finishing spray, and used some spray adhesive to attach felt squares to the backs. Then I stacked them up, tied them all together with twine, and added a little fabric rosette to make the package extra pretty:

I was so happy with how these turned out, I decided to use the same concept to make a name plaque for your nursery:

The first thing I did was go outside, use twigs and branches from my front yard to spell out the letters of your name, and take pictures of them:

Then I got on my laptop and turned the pictures black and white, and then printed them on white tissue paper (just the normal gift wrapping-type stuff you get at Target). It took a lot of trial and error, but what ended up working pretty well was to tape the tissue paper onto regular copy paper before sending it through the printer. It would probably work even better to use card stock, but I didn't have any and the normal weight did just fine. Once I had my pictures printed out, I placed a tile over each one and marked where I needed to cut to make the letter centered (you could also just crop your photos to the exact size of the tiles before printing, but I was too lazy for that!):

Next, I applied a thin coat of modge podge (actually, I used something called 'collage podge' because my local craft store didn't carry the real stuff, lame!) over each entire tile:

Then carefully placed the tissue paper photos as close to centered as possible, and carefully smoothed them down and rubbed out any air bubbles. Once all the photos had been placed on the tiles, I let them dry for about 30 minutes:

I decided I wanted a slightly 'weathered' look, so I took my finger nail and scraped up the corners of each photo a bit:

Then I applied two coats of modge podge on top of each tile. You can't tell very well in this picture, but the tissue paper kind of soaks up the modge podge, giving the photos a darker look:

I didn't want to hang the letter tiles directly on the wall, so I went looking for a piece of wood to attach them to. I ended up finding the perfect piece in the scrap wood box at Home Depot for $.055. I hammered in some little nails where I wanted to hang the tiles from:

Then I used a hot glue gun to attach twine loops to the backs of the tiles:

I hung the tiles on the nails, and viola! A unique piece of nursery art that cost a total of $1.19 (not counting the modge podge, paper, nails, and twine I already had at home). I'm really happy with how it turned out and think it's going to look just perfect hanging in your tree-themed room :)

When I bought the tiles, I got a box of 80 (because it was only like $11!), so I'll be looking for other ways of using them; if anyone out there has any ideas, let me know!

Well, I've got a blanket to finish crocheting tonight, so I've gotta run :)

Talk to you (and see you soon!), baby boy.

Love you lots,

Mom

*I didn't ruin the cookies, but after we all noticed they had a strangely spicy aftertaste, I realized I hadn't completely gotten rid of all the cayanne pepper left on the baking sheet from the butternut squash fries I had made for lunch earlier that day, whoops. So close though!

Baby on my Bladder (18 weeks)

2011-11-02T10:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Elliot,
I kept meaning to write my 18-week update, and now I'm pretty much 19 weeks, but oh well. It's crazy how fast the weeks go by, even when you are unemployed and sitting around at home all day long! :)

So we hit 18 weeks last Friday. When/if we decide to induce labor is still sort of up in the air, but I'm thinking it will happen between 37-38 weeks (assuming everything with your development is good to go at that point, of course!), so we're halfway there, baby! Can you believe it? Part of me feels like March is forever away, but I'm hoping this month and the next will fly by, with the holidays and all of that, and it will be baby time before we know it.

We also reached another milestone during week 18: movement! I mean, I've been feeling little nudges and flutters for a few weeks now, but this week it turned into full-fledged kicks. You are still hanging out really low in there, so most of those kicks are right on my bladder. Not the most comfortable feeling in the world when you already have to pee like crazy all the time, but I'll gladly take it! Every little movement brings the hugest smile to my face. You've even started responding when we poke and prode my belly. Every night Dad pushes around, trying to get you to move, and last night, for the first time, you kicked back. Then he poked at you once more, and you kicked back again! How amazing.

My appetite continues to grow bigger and bigger. I seriously just want to eat all day long. I can never eat that much at one time, because I swear my intestines have moved up into my lungs, but it is so great to be able to enjoy eating again. You must be a big eater too, because even though I eat and eat and eat, I don't think I've gained much weight. As of my last appointment three weeks ago, I was up less than five pounds total. I haven't weighed myself lately, but I'm guessing I've packed on another three to five since then. I have a feeling I'm going to put most of the weight on in the second half of this pregnancy!

So it's probably pretty obvious from my posts lately that I've been on quite the crafting spree. A couple days ago I decided to teach myself how to crochet (how people learned how to do anything before Youtube I have no idea!), and I've been working on a little baby blanket for you. It's not the greatest blanket in the world, but I love working on it. Sitting on the couch, sipping mint tea, crocheting a blanket for my little boy. I never thought I'd see the day where this is my idea of a perfect Tuesday evening, but it totally is.

I wanted it to look kinda like the Charlie Brown sweater :)

My 20-week level II ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday, with a follow-up appointment with my regular OB the next day. The nerves are already hitting me big-time. I am doing better with the anxiety overall, but the ultrasounds are still really, really scary. Hoping and praying it will be nothing but good news!

Alright, little E. I love you so much and get more and more excited to meet you every day. Keep growing, thriving, and kicking (though do feel free to kick me somewhere other than my poor bladder every now and then!)

XOXO,

Mom

PS. Congrats to Jus and Kat for winning the rosette necklace! Can you send me your mailing address? Kristin.cook23@gmail.com. Thanks! :)

Contest winner (finally!)

2011-10-31T11:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,
I realize I am way behind on this, but I finally have a prize ready for the winner of the gender guess contest from a few weeks ago! I know I said it would be candle-related, but I changed my mind and made this rosette necklace instead:

Of course, I learned how to make the rosettes on Pinterest, and I am now obsessed with them. So easy and SO cute!

So the winner, picked randomly via random.com, of those that guessed BOY, is Jenny (of My One Wild and Precious Life). Congrats! Please send me your mailing address when you get a chance and I'll get this out right away!

Since I like making these so much, I decided to do another quick giveaway. If you want to win one (might be the same colors, might be different!), just leave a comment on this post with your favorite Halloween candy. I will pick a winner on Wednesday.

Thanks friends! 18-week update...coming soon! :)

Love,
Kristin

Spoken Word Blog Round Up (video)

2011-10-27T12:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,
I've decided to participate in Angie's Spoken Word Blog Round Up project. I've gotta say, It was pretty strange talking to my computer screen, and I don't think I'll ever be much of a 'vlogger' (I am much better with writing words than speaking them!) but it felt good to do this.

Please excuse the messy in-progress nursery in the background, and my crazy over-use of the word 'um.' I swear I don't say it that often in real life! :)

If you want to get involved in this awesome project (you really should!), click here for details and to link up your video.

Thanks for watching/listening!

Gifts

2011-10-26T13:50:00.001-05:00

Dear Stevie,
I was feeling unusually brave this morning and decided to tackle one of the things I've been putting off doing for a while now: going through all your things in the nursery. When I packed everything up awhile back, I didn't actually go through anything; I just wanted to get everything put away and out of sight as quickly as possible. I pretty much threw everything into a couple giant totes and that was that. Now that I'm at the point where people are starting to ask me what we need for the new baby, where we're going to register, and all those types of questions, I figured I should really sort through all the baby things we got for you, knowing there is probably quite a bit that we could re-use for Elliot.

I was surprised at how emotional the whole experience was. How difficult it was seeing and touching these things--your things--that were never put to their intended use. Tights with frilly butts that never made it under frilly Easter dresses. Blankets that were never cuddled. Bibs that were never spit up on. Toys that were never played with. Stuffed animals that were never clutched by sticky hands, or drooled on, or left outside in the rain.

Before going through everything, I didn't realize just how much of what we bought for you will work for your little brother. I bought a lot of stuff before we found out you were a girl, and even after that, a lot of what I bought wasn't very girly at all. I really like that so many of your things are (hopefully) finally going to be used like they should have been all along.

And what I like even more is that each time I see little E wearing, or playing with, or chewing on one of "your" things, it will make me think of you.

This stuff, it's more than hand-me-downs. I like to think of your old things as gifts. Gifts to E from his proud big sister.

I am especially excited to pass these items, these gifts, along to Elliot:

The onesie was the first thing I bought for you, before I even knew that you were a girl. The hat was also one of the first things I bought, and you actually wore it on your head after you were born. It was way too big, but you looked so precious wearing it. My sweet little bear cub.

I also can't wait to see Elliot snuggle with this little bear stuffed animal:

We brought this little guy to the hospital when you were born, and have pictures of you laying next to it. I also slept with it, cuddled up under my chin, during many sleepless nights. Maybe E will somehow feel close to you when he sleeps with it someday, too.

Last but not least, I am excited that most of the Baby Legs (leg warmers) I bought for you are going to work for Elliot. I'm not sure why, but I was kind of obsessed with those things! Boy can rock them too, right? :)

I miss you so much, Baby girl. I hope you know how much I still think about you. How much I still love you.

XOXO,

Mom

17 weeks and another craft project

2011-10-24T14:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Elliot,
This post is going to be a two-parter.

Part 1: brief 17-week update

We made it to 17 weeks on Friday! You were measuring further along at the last ultrasound, so I'm not sure if that also technically makes me further along as well, but whatever! I don't have much new to report on the pregnancy front. I'm eating all the time, still have that annoying cold, still peeing like crazy, still incredibly happy to be pregnant, still incredibly scared. And I swear I am getting bigger and bigger everyday! Here's the most recent belly shot, from a few days ago:

Part 2: cool craft project

Have I mentioned how much I adore Pinterest? I tried to avoid it for a long time, convinced the last thing I needed was another online time-suck to get hooked on. But hooked I am. It's awesome. I've found so many great ideas and I am just loving getting into crafting again!

So this weekend my friend Kristie and I had a little Pinterest-inspired craft night.

I started with this beautiful framed piece of swan art that I found at the thrift store for $5:

I got rid of the glass and the lovely pastel swans, and painted the frame with a really dark wood stain. Well, actually Dad did that part for me, since the fumes were quite strong:

After it dried, I decided that it wasn't dark enough. I really wanted it to match the black frames I already have up in the room where it was going, so I ended up just spray-painting it black:

Then I drilled holes through the sides and threaded thick hemp through, knotting at the ends. Using some mini craft-sized clothes pins, I hung pictures (that I printed using our photo printer at home, and cut out to look like polaroids) along the hemp lines:

I absolutely LOVE how it turned out! I'm thinking these might make the perfect gift for quite a few people on my Christmas list this year :)

I've got about a million other craft ideas lined up to try next; I'll say it once more, I love Pinterest!

Alright, E, talk to you soon!

Love you,
Mom

Trees

2011-10-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Elliot,
I've been hating the idea of turning "Stevie's room" into "your room," because it feels like I am undoing everything I did for your sister. By getting rid of her girly things, and replacing them with your boyish thing, it sort of feels like I'm erasing her. And I hate that feeling. I've been trying to think of a way that I could somehow make Stevie a part of the new nursery (without displaying her pink decor, of course!), and then it hit me. Trees. Trees are my special reminder of Stevie, and I think they would be pretty awesome in a little boys' room as well. I'm really not into nursery 'sets,' where everything from the crib bedding, to the laundry basket, to the pictures on the wall, matches. I think an outdoor/trees theme will be perfect because there are lots of fun ways to incorporate trees into a room, without it being too cutesy or matchy-matchy.

So yesterday I decided to get started. With a little inspiration from Pinterest, I made this sweet and simple mobile:

All it took was yarn, cardboard, hemp string, hot glue, and a tree branch from the backyard.

To make the leaves, you just cut out whatever shapes you want out of cardboard, then wrap yarn around the sides, front, and back, and use a hot glue gun to keep it all in place.

Attach the leaves to a tree branch with some hemp or twine, and that's it! I plan on hanging it with clear fishing line and ceiling hooks. Here's the full tutorial for anyone that's interested.

Yesterday I also started working on a four-panel tree painting, using the colors of the leaves in the mobile. I'm hoping it turns out alright. It's been way too long since I've spread out on the floor and gotten all messy and crafty like this. I'm totally loving it!

Deciding to use a tree theme for your room makes me feel about a million times better about this whole thing. I love that now, when I'm rocking you to sleep someday, we'll both be surrounded by your big sister.

My Stevie tattoo

I love you, Baby Boy!

Always,

Mom

Thrifting

2011-10-19T10:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Elliot,
You should be proud to know you come from a long line of thrift store extraordinaires. Your grandpa (my dad) is the Master of Deals, the King of Bargains. I've never understood if he has some sort of magical deal-finding powers, or if it's just that he goes to thrift stores that often, but he is the best there is. From $6 old bikes he cleans up and sells on Craigslist for $200, to $2 golf clubs he turns around and gets $150 for on Ebay, to the 13 pairs (yes, 13!) of Doc Martins he found for me in middle school (when Docs were obviously the coolest thing a 12-year old girl could own!), your grandpa definitely has the magic touch. There was even one time in college when we walked into the thrift store and he said to me, "okay, what are we hoping to find today?" I said, "how about a pair of leather Birkenstock sandals, size 7." No joke, he somehow found a pair that had never been worn for $5.99.

Anyway, now that I'm both broke and bored, I've been practicing my own thrifting skills this week. It seems like the deal-finding talent may just be genetic, because I've scored some pretty awesome bargains!

First, I found these cute maternity jeans for $4.99. You read that right--I said "cute" and "maternity" in the same sentence! My biggest problem with most maternity pants is that they fit in the belly, but are frumpy and baggy in other places, namely the butt. Maternity jeans makers do realize babies grow in the belly, not the butt, right?? Well these jeans are nice and snug in the legs and actually make my butt look quite nice, if I do say so myself (ha). I can't believe I finally found a pair of maternity pants I like, and for under five bucks!

Then, at the same store, I found a pair of adorable Cole Haan leather flats for $5.99. They seriously look like they've never been worn! For anyone who doesn't know what Cole Hanns are (don't worry, I probably wouldn't either if I hadn't sold shoes at Nordstrom in college!), these probably retailed for around $150. When I called my dad to brag about my find, he said, "oh good, because you really need more shoes!"But whatever, I could totally hear the jealously in his voice :)

I can't totally take credit for this next find, because it was technically your dad that found them for me, but either way, I got these super comfy Sierra Designs down booties/slippers for $4.99. Again, pretty much brand-new. I've been saying I really want a pair of slippers since Dad insists on keeping the house at a frigid 66 degrees, and now I not only have slippers, but slippers that literally feel like I am wearing sleeping bags on my feet. Awesome.

And of course I had to pick up some deals for you while we were out and about, too. I got all these cute little boy pieces for $.99 each! My favorite is the baby blue United Colors of Benetton wool sweater. I also found out that Goodwill has all their baby/toddler clothes and toys 50% off on Thursdays, so I think I may have found my new Thursday activity!

I also picked up a brand-new Crate and Barrel pumpkin candle for under $2, and a few glass vases/candle holder thingys that I'm going to decorate with lace. Dad found a couple cookbooks, and a really nice flannel shirt that actually fits him (2X tall), too!

I can't wait until you're here and can start learning your own thrifting skills, straight from the Master himself.

Love you lots, Elliot!

XOXO,
Mom

Hopes are up

2011-10-17T11:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Elliot,
We rode out the 'high' from our great ultrasound on Friday well into the weekend. I don't know why exactly, but finding out you're a boy just suddenly made this whole thing a lot more real. I felt the same way after finding out your big sis was a girl; everything changes. On Friday I went from growing a baby, to having a son. You're no longer an 'it,' you're a 'he.' No longer an idea, you're a mini person, complete with a name. It actually scares me, because I am still deathly afraid of something going wrong again. And now, if it does, I know it will hurt so much worse. I keep trying to tell myself that if the unthinkable happens again, it's going to be awful (obviously a bit of an understatement), whether or not I try to protect myself or not get my hopes up. Right now, my hopes are up, and I'm choosing to keep it that way.

Anyway, I had been toying around with the idea of going to the big Birth and Baby Expo in Minneapolis this weekend, and decided to go for it. I was feeling more confident and hopeful than I had in a long time and I figured it would be good take a little 'step of faith,' if you will. Up until Saturday, I was so afraid of "jinxing this" that I had yet to really look or think about baby things. So deciding to go to this big baby fair, with hundreds of other pregnant moms, was kind of a big deal for me.

So Dad and I got there right when it started, mainly because I wanted to make sure I got a gift bag (I mean the real reason for going to these things is all the free crap you get, right?!), but also because I wanted to go when it was likely to be less crowded. Overall, it was a fine experience. A little overwhelming, but okay. The one thing that I hated was having every freaking person at every freaking booth ask me if this was our first. I lied and said "yes" every time, and every time I hated doing it. I just didn't feel like repeating the whole story to the random chiropractor I am never going to see again, or the annoying lady trying to sell me a $200 post-delivery hospital massage (although that does sound kind of amazing!). But each time I smiled and nodded when asked if you were my first, I felt a pang of sadness mixed with guilt inside. And then whoever I was talking to would assume I knew nothing about pregnancy or birth and would start explaining things and giving advice and all I'd want to do is interrupt them and scream, "I KNOW! This isn't my first time being pregnant or giving birth!"

Like I said, the free crap was really the best part of the whole experience:

Okay, the green onesie was actually not free (I wish)...keep reading for more on that!

After the Expo, Dad and I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up some fruit and cheese for brunch. After stocking up on Honey Crisp apples (on sale for only $1.99/pound!), I was still feeling brave and wandered over to the baby aisle. There, I found the cutest onesie ever, and I just had to buy it for you. You know, as another 'step of faith,' or something.

I had no idea what exactly that funny creature is, but according to google, it's a Mouse Lemur.

Mama and her first official purchase for you :)

While we're talking about onesies, can I just say how much I LOVE baby boy clothes?? I mean, I got really into shopping for girly things for your sister too, but being more of a tomboy myself, I am definitely more naturally drawn to the boy stuff. The dinosaurs, the monsters, the stripes, the Star Wars...oh my! Dad and I spent hours this weekend looking at stuff online and adding things to Pinterest (I know I'm way late on the boarding the Pinterest train, but everyone was right--it's so cool!). Here are a few of my favorite things I want to see you rock someday:

Hand-knit dino hat from Etsy

Elephant onesie from Etsy

Goldfish onesie from Etsy

Batboy onesie from here

Star Wars onesie from here

Darth on a bike onesie from Etsy (this one might be my fave!)

Another Star Wars onesie from Etsy (you're gonna have lots of Star Wars attire, my boy!)

After Dad and I dreamed about our little boy on the way for most of the afternoon, our friends Brady and Erin came over with their own little boy, Isaiah, who is 6 months old, to take some fall family photos. I actually took Brady and Erin's engagement and wedding pictures, so it was pretty fun to now be doing their first baby/family pictures, too! Here are a few of my favorites:

I've been asking all my friends if I can take their pictures so I can get more practice with my camera (in hopes of being able to make some money on the side, someday!), so if you're in the Minneapolis area and want free pics this fall, let me know! :)

After all the busyness of the weekend, I came down with an awful cold last night. So it's soup, mint tea, juice, and Netflix for me today! But before I go, here's one last picture, the belly at 16w3d:

This is quite possibly one of the worst pictures of me ever (I told you I was sick!), but I didn't want to skip a week!

Okay, Baby Boy. Please keep growing and thriving and living! I am seriously beyond excited to meet my little man-cub.

XOXO,
Mom

It's a...

2011-10-14T13:17:00.004-05:00

Dear Elliot,
That's right, Baby, you're a little BOY! Well, not so little, actually. You're already measuring big, just like your giant of a daddy (he's 6'10!).

The ultrasound this morning was amazing. Both of your grandmas came with us and it was so special having them there. The only ultrasound my mom had been to before today's was the one where we found out your big sister had died, so I really wanted her to have a happy ultrasound experience, too. And boy oh boy (yep, pun intended!) was it happy this time! It sounded like there was a fireworks display going on in that little exam room. Every time the ultrasound tech would point something out, both of your grandmas would "ooh!" and "ahh!" over it. "Look at the little fingers," the tech would say, and they would pretty much scream with joy. It was so cute, and so much fun to see them both so excited about their little grandbaby.

Once the tech asked whether or not we wanted to know the gender, you weren't shy about showing off your goods! She found your legs, then said, "dink!" and we all knew right away you were a boy (or "manchild" as Dad and I keep referring to you as. That's a Jungle Book reference for anyone who didn't get it!)

Here are a few pictures from the scan:

I'll be getting sprayed by this thing right here in just a few more months!

Love the hand shots. So incredible!

Another hand and your big, smart brain :)

Sweet baby boy

After the ultrasound, your grandmas both had gifts for us. The entire waiting room got to watch us open up your first baby boy outfits (don't worry, I checked and every single women in the room was obviously pregnant themselves). Guess it's the pink that they'll be returning to the store this time around!

After seeing my doctor, Dad and I went out to an amazing little Mexican place to celebrate our son. Hope you enjoyed the burrito and unlimited chips and salsa bar as much as I did!

And of course I had to document the wonderful morning with a picture of me and you before we left to go home:

Whoops, please ignore the awesome leopard-print bra I did not realize showed right through my shirt.

It was such a great morning. I love that we can finally start calling you by your name. Elliot James Cook. Maybe you'll grow up to be a drummer, just like your namesake. Dad was already looking up Pantera onesies in hopes we have a little rocker on the way (he used to listen to Pantera with the Elliot you're named after all the time, apparently!) I just can't wait to meet you and see who you become.

I can't explain how wonderful I feel right now. I have a daughter and a son. Wow. My heart is so full of love for both of my babies today.

Keep growing, Elliot (but not too big, okay?)! Your dad and I are so proud to be your parents.

Love,

Mom

It's a...

2011-10-14T13:17:00.003-05:00

I'll be getting sprayed by this thing right here in just a few more months!

Love the hand shots. So incredible!

Another hand and your big, smart brain :)

Sweet baby boy

After seeing my doctor, Dad and I went out to an amazing little Mexican place to celebrate our son. Hope you enjoyed the burrito and unlimited chips and salsa bar as much as I did!

And of course I had to document the wonderful morning with a picture of me and you before we left to go home:

Whoops, please ignore the awesome leopard-print bra I did not realize showed right through my shirt.

I can't explain how wonderful I feel right now. I have a daughter and a son. Wow. My heart is so full of love for both of my babies today.

Keep growing, Elliot (but not too big, okay?)! Your dad and I are so proud to be your parents.

Love,

Mom

Totally random

2011-10-13T12:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,
A couple random reminders/plugs/links I wanted to share with you:

1. Don't forget to make your guess--boy or girl--on this post by tomorrow morning to be entered into the giveaway! I still haven't decided exactly what I'm going to give away, but I know it's going to be crafty and involve pumpkin spice candles. Hey, I need something to keep myself busy with! :)

2. My 16-week ultrasound is tomorrow at 9:30am (central time). Both my mom and Andy's mom and are coming with us--it's gonna be a packed little ultrasound room! Please, please, please send any prayers/good vibes my way that a) we get good news at the appointment, and b) that I don't go completely insane with worry beforehand. I seriously get so incredibly anxious and scared before these things.

3. If you follow Faces of Loss on facebook, you've already been bombarded with this info, but I wanted to put in a quick shameless plug for our I am the Face campaign, which is happening this month. You'd have to be living in a cave not to know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but it's less widely known that October is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Through I am the Face, we are trying to spread awareness of this all-too taboo issue and get people talking. It's also our biggest fundraising campaign during the year. If you have even $1 to spare, please consider making an online donation in Stevie's name here. You have no idea how much each and every donation means, not just to me personally, but to the thousands of other mamas who find support and connection through Faces.

4. Speaking of Faces, I wanted to let my Minneapolis-area readers know about a super cool event going on this weekend. After the Twin Cities Birth and Baby Expo (10am-3pm at Midtown Global Market), Blooma, a local pre and post-natal yoga and wellness center, is hosting their 4th annual Birthday Bash event. In addition to fun activities for the kids, and beer from Harriet Brewing for the adults (well, at least the not pregnant adults!), Blooma will be collecting donations for Faces of Loss, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month--how awesome! I am hoping to be around for at least part of the evening, so make sure to say "hi" if you're there! More info can be found here.

5. I am really excited to be joining my friend Kerri's team over at The Maven of Social Media, as the new Pregnancy/Newborn Contributor. The Maven is always doing all sorts of interesting product reviews and awesome giveaways, so make sure to subscribe and watch out for my posts.

Okay, I think that's it. Hoping I'll be back tomorrow with a happy update!

XOXO,
Kristin

The rain

2011-10-12T14:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Stevie,
I've felt like a good cry has been just waiting to happen for awhile now. I've been so focused on the new baby, and trying to stay positive, and scrambling around, trying to figure out the whole work/money/insurance situation, that I knew it was only a matter of time until I broke down.

Today, it finally happened.

First, it was this dumb commercial that played in the middle of the Castle episode I was watching online (in between looking for work, of course!). It was one of those "having a baby changes everything" ads, with an adorable toddler laughing and playing with his dad. My first thought was to rub my belly and think "aww, I can't wait to watch little E play with his/her daddy like that." Then, seconds later, I realized what had just happened. I had just watched a stupid baby commercial and not thought about you, and how you should be doing those cute baby things, for probably the first time ever.

I felt this strange mix of happiness, excitement, sadness, and guilt. And fear. Lots of fear.

Not just the fear of losing another baby, the fear of losing you. All over again.

For the last 17 months, a lot of my life has been centered around you. Grieving, healing, working in the babyloss community. Now that this pregnancy is really starting to sick in and feel a bit more real, I'm afraid that the closer I get to meeting little E, the further away I'll get from you. It absolutely terrifies me.

Then, it started to rain outside. Really hard.

And then, the tears finally came.

We've had such nice and sunny and perfect weather lately; it's like I couldn't be sad when it was so beautiful outside. It's like the rain gave me permission to let it all out. The fear, the sadness, the guilt, the worry. Everything I've been trying to hold inside.

I just rolled over in bed and cried.

The kind of loud, uncontrollable crying, where the dogs cocked their little heads in concern and crawled under the covers with me, as if to let me know they cared.

I listened to the rain fall hard against my window and splatter onto the deck below my bedroom, and cried tears of sadness for the little girl I miss, tears of joy for the little baby fluttering away in my belly, and tears of confusion as I tried to figure out just how I was going to mother them both.

And it felt wonderful.

I wiped my eyes, got up, grabbed my camera (and the dogs), and walked out the front door. Wearing nothing more than sweatpants, a white tank top, and my bare feet, I walked around snapping pictures of the falling rain and watched my dogs blissfully run through piles of wet leaves.

I don't know what it is about the rain, but it has me feeling so much better. Refreshed.

I miss you, Stevie. The intensity comes and goes, but the hole in my heart is always there. It always will be.

Love,
Mom

Best thing, worst thing (15 weeks edition)

2011-10-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

Dear E,
My parents had this little dinnertime game they used to force my little brother and I to play when we were growing up: "best thing, worst thing." The rules of the game are pretty self-explanatory: everyone at the table has to share the best thing about their day and the worst thing about their day. As an annoying 11-year-old, I'd often try to get away with super clever answers like "the worst part of my day is having to play this stupid game, and the best part will be when it's over." Like so many things from my childhood, I thought it was so lame. And now? I'm totally going to force it on you, too, someday!

I figured we could start the tradition right now, with a "best thing, worst thing" recap of your 15th week.

The best things:

1. Perfect fall weather. It's been unusually beautiful and warm for October in Minnesota (a state where everyone still talks about the infamous Halloween Blizzard of 1991!). We're talking 70's and 80's during the day, and low 60's once the sun goes down. And I don't know why, but it seems like there are way more colorful leaves piling up on the ground than there have ever been before. I'm looking out my bedroom window right now, and can see them slowly, whimsically, dancing in the breeze. In shades of brown, orange, red, and yellow, they seem to be coming straight out of the sky. It's absolutely lovely.

2. Eating. It's so weird that for so long I could barely stand the thought or sight of food, and now, food is all I think about! All I want to do is eat, eat, eat. And that's what I do. We went to Chipotle for the first time since July last night and it was amazing. Baby, this is what you've been missing out on!

3. Scary movies. For the second year in a row, Dad and I are attempting to watch a scary movie every night during the month of October. Of course you can't have scary movie nights without sleeping bags, hot apple cider and lots of candy--so much fun!

4. A growing baby bump. I love that I am getting to the point where I look obviously pregnant and not just fat. I feel like I'm carrying really high. Does that mean you're a girl?? We'll find out on Friday!

The worst things:

1. Peeing myself. Seriously humiliating, right?! I've noticed this week that every time I sneeze or cough really hard (which is happening a lot; see worst thing #2), I pee my pants a little bit. I told Dad about my little, um, 'problem' last night and his super sympathetic response was, "well that's sexy." Ha. Maybe I'm going to have to invest in some Depends. Now that would be sexy! :)

2. Allergies/a really bad cold/or something. For the last week or so, I've had a horrible stuffy nose and awful itchy eyes. Mainly at night. At first I thought it was a cold, but I feel mostly fine during the day and it's really not going away, so who knows. Either way, it sucks, and is only making worst thing #3 even, well, worse.

3. Insomnia. I think the technical term for it is Pregnancy-Induced Insomnia, according to Dr. Google. I just can't sleep at night. I toss and turn and get up to pee, then toss and turn and get up to pee some more. All.night.long. I counted the other night, and I peed 11 times in an 8-hour period. I have no idea where it's all coming from! Anyway, I don't get much sleep during the night, so I obviously end up being super exhausted during the day, which leads me to worst thing #4.

4. Boring days. I literally have nothing to do during the day (besides sleep!), and I'm bored as hell. I have either been in school or working (or both) since I was like five years old, so this whole not having a job thing is really, really strange. Laying around was fun for a couple days, but I'm already going majorly stir-crazy. And since I'm not working, we have no money, so it's not like I can go out shopping or anything else, really. All this extra time just gives me more opportunities to obsess and worry about you. I need some distractions! I need to get out of this house!

The fun thing about this edition of "best thing, worst thing," is that all of my worst things are really my best things, because they are all related to you, and you are the best thing of all.

I love you, Baby. Can't wait to see you again on Friday (and to watch you roll your eyes and come up with sarcastic answers of your own when I make you play "best thing, worst thing" with your dad and I someday!)

XOXO,
Mom

A device more important than a smoke detector...

2011-10-07T10:03:00.002-05:00

Dear E,
Last night I went to the International Stillbirth Summit dinner, part of a three-day event put on by the Star Legacy Foundation. Most of the event consists of doctors and researchers from all over the world presenting on causes and prevention of stillbirth. While I think it is absolutely amazing that everyone is coming together and talking about how to reduce the number of babies that die before they ever take their first breath (like your big sis), I decided that right now was not the best time for me to sit in a room and hear about everything that can (and does) go wrong in a pregnancy. Like I said, this is important, important stuff, but my level of anxiety has been through the roof already and I just didn't think it would be a good or healthy experience for me at the moment. I am so thankful that the wonderful ladies organizing the event have so gracious and understanding to let me just attend the parts of the event I feel comfortable with.

Anyway, the dinner last night was wonderful. It was exhilarating to be in a room with so many other inspiring people who are working to make a difference in the 'baby loss' community: Sherokee Ilse (author of Empty Arms and all around amazing babyloss advocate), Shauna and Lindsey of the Star Legacy Foundation, Sue from My Forever Child, Tim from Babies Remembered, Candy from the Missing Grace Foundation, Marion and Susan, President and CEO of First Candle, and many, many others. I also got the chance to meet the sweetest woman, Carrie, and her mother, all the way from California. Carrie lost her beautiful daughter, Gemma, just a few months ago at 40 weeks. How incredible that she's already out there, learning more about this awful thing that took her daughter's life, and meeting other people who have been there.

I couldn't believe how many people there already knew all about Faces of Loss and had such wonderful things to say about it. I felt like some sort of celebrity when people would look at me and say, "YOU are the one who started that website?" Don't worry, I'll try not to let it get to my head :) These freaking adorable circle business cards I got to pass out (designed by Julie) didn't make that easy, though!

So during the dinner they had a couple different musical performances. One of them was a concert pianist who shared some of the songs she composed after the loss of two of her children (both stillborn). The whole thing was moving and beautiful, but it started to hit a little too close to home when she started talking about her second stillbirth. She found out she had a clotting disorder after she lost her first baby, so she was seeing both a regular OB and a great Peri, having lots of extra monitoring, and giving herself daily Lovenox injections (sound at all familiar??). Well, that baby died, too. Now I am not at all saying she shouldn't have shared her story, obviously, but I can't deny that that part of the story caused some major panic for me. I held it together just fine on the outside, but inside, as she was singing the song, "Not Again," the one she wrote after that second stillbirth, I was definitely freaking out just a little.

Someone must have told her that I was pregnant again, also after a stillbirth caused by a blood-clotting disorder, because later during the evening, she came up to me and said she was so sorry if she scared me; that everyone else she knows who did the Lovenox shots went on to have healthy babies; that what happened to her was very rare. She also told me that she also had fibroids that were a big part of her losses that she didn't mention in her presentation. I thought it was so kind of her to come talk to me, and told her she didn't have to apologize and that I was so very sorry for what she had been through. The strength and kindness of people truly amazes me sometimes.

Anyway, by the end of the night, all I could think about was you. I just wanted to get home, pull out my doppler, and make sure everything was still okay in there.

So I sped home, ran upstairs, found the doppler, quickly squeezed the blue gel on my belly, and turned it on. It was dead. Apparently I had left it on the last time I had used it, and the battery had died. Of course, it takes one of those big 9-volt batteries which I knew we didn't have any of lying around, so I went downstairs and told Dad we had to run to the store to get a new battery. His response was an eye roll and an, "are you serious? It's almost 11. Can't you just wait until tomorrow?" Um, no, I couldn't.

Then Dad remembered that the smoke detectors in the house all use 9-volt batteries. Problem solved! I'd take the chance of my house burning down if it meant I could hear that precious heartbeat of yours, Baby.

I stole the battery out of one of our smoke detectors (don't worry, Mom, I put it back when I was done!), and was able to find your heartbeat right away. That sound, it just never gets old.

The best $30 I've ever spent (and a bonus picture of Jackie)

15 weeks today. Please, please, please continue to be okay, little E. One week until we (hopefully) find out if you're a little boy or a little girl. I don't care one way or the other. I mean, it's totally 'Team Alive!" for us, all the way.

See you soon, sweet babe.

Love you,
Mom

17 months of loss

2011-10-05T14:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Stevie,
In the last (almost) year and a half, I've experienced more loss than I have in my previous 24 years of life combined. First, and obviously the most life-altering, was the loss of you, my first-born baby girl. As we all know, this loss shook me to the core and impacted every area of my life; every part of who I am. It's changed me forever. In many ways for the good, in some ways, probably for the worse. But I know I'll never be the same girl I was before May 8th, 2010.

Then, a few months later, two more losses. Both of my grandmothers, within about a month of each other.

First, my mom's mom got very sick and what followed was months of deterioration and touch-and-go moments. We knew she was going to go, just didn't know when. It was really hard to know she was suffering, and even harder for me to watch my own mom suffer so much. When she did pass away, it was almost a relief. I mean, of course I was sad to lose my grandma, but she had lived 90 wonderful years and I was happy that she would finally be at peace and no longer in physical pain or discomfort.

Then, about a month later, my dad's mom died. This time, it happened suddenly and unexpectedly; completely without warning. One day she was fine, the next, she had a stroke and passed away just hours later.

Because I was still grieving over my own loss (you), I don't know that I ever really allowed myself to grieve over the loss of my grandmas like I should have. It didn't even really hit me until my birthday back in August. I got a card in the mail from Dad'd grandma and I said, "weird, I didn't get anything in the mail from my grandmas this year." I almost forgot. I don't have grandmas to send me sweet birthday cards in the mail anymore.

Over the last 17 months, I've also lost a lot of friends. Yes, I've gained a lot of new friends too, but that doesn't make losing old ones any less painful. There are people that I was sure I would be friends with until the day I died that I rarely, if ever, even speak to anymore. It's really hard.

I've also lost my faith. Not just in God, but in a lot of things. Maybe I was just super naive before, but I really believed there was some sort of higher purpose that could be found for anything. I believed that there was this certain order, certain goodness to the universe. Everything just makes a lot less sense to me now. It all feels so random and out of sorts.

I've lost other things, too. The chance at a normal, happy-go-lucky pregnancy. My love of and natural ease around children and babies (I still love them, but I can't be around them without feeling all awkward and sad most of the time). My innocence. Pieces of my heart I fear I'll never get back.

And now, I've lost my job. My financial security.

I just can't catch a break.

I know I could write just as long of a post (probably longer, actually) listing off all the things I've gained in the last (almost) year and a half, but today, right now, all I can think about is all that's been lost. It feels like every time I pick myself up and dust myself off, BAM, there's something else to kick me right back down to the ground.

I am trying so hard to believe that your little sister or brother, Baby E, is going to be the thing that turns everything around; the start of a new era in my life, one that is not defined by loss but by hope. By joy. By love.

I just need things to start going right. I don't know how much more loss I can handle. I'm getting tired and feeling rather defeated right now.

Here's to hoping that now that I've gotten those feelings out of the way, and out in the open, I can pick myself up once again and look forward to a better tomorrow.

I miss you, Baby.

Love,
Mom

14 weeks

2011-10-03T11:03:00.001-05:00

Dear E,
We hit 14 weeks on Friday, which means we've officially entered the second trimester. I can't believe we're already over a third of the way done!

Aside from the total suckiness of losing my job on Thursday, this weekend was actually pretty great. I felt like I should clarify a bit after my last post; I think I may have scared some people and that wasn't my intention. We'll be okay. I can get unemployment, and since my job payed pretty well, it will pretty much be the equivalent to working a fulltime retail job or something like that. And Dad is working, over fulltime hours right now, and while he's not making as much as he was before getting laid off, it's definitely enough to get by. I won't even come close to qualifying for Medicaid or state insurance, but at least we have Cobra. Even if I were to find a new job with benefits (or Dad were to), it's not like I could just start on a new plan already being pregnant, so to make sure my benefits stay the same as they are right now, Cobra seems like the best choice. It's expensive, but like I said, we'll figure out how to make it work. I am also starting the process of fighting for a better severance package from my former employer, based on the highly suspect circumstances surrounding my sudden 'elimination,' but of course I can't talk much about that here. Anyway, after having a few days to really think about things, I am feeling much better and much more hopeful. I am excited to have this opportunity to figure out what it is I really want to do with my life, career-wise, and to have the free time to (hopefully!) make it happen. And hey, maybe now I'll actually have time to finish writing my book, right?!

Okay, sorry for the super long ramble there. Back to the fun stuff :)

I had the energy to more this weekend than I've done in like the two previous months combined. It felt so great to get out of the house, interact with other human beings, and feel like I was actually living in the real world again.

Friday night, we had an impromptu bonfire with some of the neighbors. It was the perfect way to officially welcome fall and its lovely 55-degree evenings. I am so excited for sweatshirt weather!

Saturday, I spent the morning working on my resume and looking at some freelance writing sites online. I also discovered that there were a bunch of new Grey's Anatomy episodes up on Netflix, so naturally I watched a few of those too (I know, I know, it's a horrible show, but I secretly love it). Later that night, Dad and I went to a wedding reception for one of his co-workers. I was so happy I had my appetite back because they had literally like 20 different cakes to choose from, including the most amazing pumpkin cake I've ever tasted. In addition to all sorts of free beer and wine, they also had the cutest little "coffee shop" set up outside. It was great--I sipped on chai tea lattes while Dad sipped on an assortment of fall brews. Another perfect fall night. We didn't get home until...wait for it...10 o'clock! Whoa!

Sunday morning Dad made an awesome breakfast consisting of cottage cheese, fruit, eggs, and apple/maple turkey sausages. I was able to eat everything but the eggs--major progress!

Then we ran errands, thought about driving to the apple orchard, decided we were too broke for that, and then we took you to see one of my all-time favorite bands in concert at First Ave...

...Hanson! Yes, as in the Hanson brothers of 'Mmmbop' fame. I will spare you my usual 10-minute-long In Defense of Hanson speech, but they are still making music and they are still seriously awesome. They put on a great show! During their tour, they let each city vote on which album they want to hear the most songs from during the show, and Minneapolis picked Middle of Nowhere (the Mmmbop album). It was so much fun to sing along to all my favorite songs from my middle school days. I hope you enjoyed the music, Little E. I am so glad you will enter this world having already experienced one of the greatest musical acts in the world live and in concert. I can't wait to jam to Mmmbop together someday soon :)

Hanson circa 1997. My first love is the one in the middle :)

My boys in 2011

Alright, Baby. Talk to you soon!

Love you,

Mom

Pregnant and jobless!

2011-09-30T15:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,
I kind of hate to do this, but I am in a really tough spot.

Yesterday I lost my job suddenly and unexpectedly, after four+ years of glowing reviews. My position was simply 'eliminated' days after my pregnancy was officially announced. I can't go into much more detail, but that is essentially what went down.

I'm shocked and scared and am really not sure what we're going to do. I can't remember if I ever mentioned it here or not, but Andy (my husband) was also laid off (that's what we get for both going into nonprofit careers I guess, right?!) a few months ago. Thankfully, he was able to find a couple part-time jobs working for bicycle programs he really likes, but he is making much less and he lost his insurance coverage. It wasn't ideal, but we were doing alright, mainly because at least I still had my decent-paying, secure job with benefits.

Well, now my benefits are ending at the end of next month. That's right, the benefits that are absolutely essential right now during this high-risk, high-stress pregnancy. It looks like I'll be able to get Cobra insurance, but its super ridiculously expensive. I know, I don't really have a choice. We'll make it, we always do, but this is just really, really horrible timing.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that I really need to find some work. I am not looking for another fulltime 9-5 office-type job right now. That just seems silly, given that I'll be leaving in a few months when Baby E (hopefully) comes, and I don't plan on working fulltime once he/she is here. But I do hope that I can get some part-time, temporary, or freelance/consulting work as soon as possible. I hate to toot my own horn, but I have some pretty strong skills in the areas of writing (grants, web, nonprofit marketing, etc), fundraising, online community-building/social media (think the work I've done with Faces of Loss), event planning (specifically nonprofit volunteer and fundraising events--this was what my job was before I was 'let go'), and photography.

I feel super annoying and lame doing this, but this is the online portfolio I have started, which includes my resume and lots of samples of my work. I am sharing it in hopes that maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there who is looking to hire a totally awesome pregnant girl for the next five months (or knows of someone who is!). Please please please consider passing the link along if you have any contacts who might be interested in my services.

I am trying really hard to view this sucky situation as a potential blessing in disguise. All along my plan has been to try to find something I can do part-time from home once E is here, I just didn't think I'd be looking so soon. I am pretty pissed off about the way I was let go from my job, but I'm choosing to see it as a good thing: see, when I get pissed off, that's when I get things done. This is a challenge. But it's also an opportunity. My dream has always been to be able to be at home with my children while they are young. If I can find a way to actually work from home, that dream of mine just might become a reality.

Anyway, thank you! And thank you, too, for all the supportive comments on my last post. I love that I can be completely honest here and no one judges me for it. I have the best followers ever! :)

Okay, I'm off to look for jobs! Fingers crosses the perfect opportunity falls into my lap one of these days.

Have a great weekend,
Kristin

PS. 14 weeks today! I had an OB appointment this morning and everything continues to look great with little E. Strong heartbeat, and guess what? I've finally gained a couple pounds! I'm so ready to make up for lost time and start packin' 'em on!

Faith?

2011-09-27T12:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Stevie,
So it's no secret that I've struggled a lot with the concept of "faith" since losing you. In the last year or so, I've gone from a place of being really angry at God for letting you die, to a place where I guess I just took God out of the equation altogether; decided that it was just bad luck, that sometimes bad things just happen, that I just happened to draw the short stick that time. God had and has nothing to do with it. Honestly, it's much easier for me to believe in a God that never steps in and saves babies than a God that chooses to miraculously step in for some, but not for others.

Anyway, I had gotten pretty comfortable with my theory of this hands-off God.

But now that I'm pregnant again, the questions keep coming back to me.

I have been absolutely terrified this pregnancy. There are times when I am absolutely certain I am going to lose your little brother or sister, just like I lost you. So certain that I'll actually say things like, "I wouldn't mind doing these injections every night if I really believed it was going to be worth it this time." I know this sounds totally messed up, and it is. People are always telling me I need to have faith. Faith in God that things are going to work out this time around.

But that's my problem--I don't. How can I have faith in a God that let me down so badly the last time I was in this position? I'm sure it's the wrong way of looking at it, but I have faith (or lack of faith) in things, or people, because of my past experiences with them. For example, I have faith in my parents. I have faith that they are always going to be there for me when I need them. But that faith, that trust, is there because of their actions. If they had abandoned me in the past or something, of course I wouldn't have the faith I have in them today. It's the same thing with friends. I have faith in some, and not in others. Same with nature. I have faith that if I hold up a rock and let it go, it's going to fall to the ground. I trust that it's going to fall because I've seen it happen many times. If someone told me I needed to have faith that the rock was going to levitate in the air when I let go, I'd think they were crazy.

That's kind of how I feel about the whole concept of "faith" right now. The only outcome of pregnancy that I've personally experienced is loss. So trying to believe without a doubt that the outcome will be different this time is like trying to believe that if I pick up a rock and let it go, that's it's not going to fall to the ground.

I honestly, truly want to have faith. I want to believe in my heart of hearts that little E is going to come home with us in March. I am incredibly envious of the people I know who are able to find the peace that comes with giving it all up to God, of those that have that kind of faith.

How do I get there? How does one force themselves to have faith in someone or something they really feel abandoned by?

I had all the faith in the world when I was pregnant with you, Stevie. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I'd take you home, watch you grow; that you'd be mine forever. But when you died, my faith died too. I guess I am scared to lay it all out there again. To believe in a happy ending, only to look like an idiot again when it doesn't work out that way.

I'm trying, Baby, I really am. It's just so hard sometimes.

I miss you so much,
Mom

PS. Thank you to the kind stranger who posted this on Post Secret yesterday. Someone who follows my blog emailed me the link and it totally and completely made my day, like happy tears and all :)

Celebration

2011-09-25T10:57:00.001-05:00

Dear E,
On Friday we made it to 13 weeks! I know there's confusion out there as to when the second trimester officially begins (12 weeks? 13 weeks? 14 weeks?), but whatever. I reread my blog posts from back in January/February of 2010, when I was pregnant with Stevie, and discovered it was right around 13 weeks that I started feeling a lot better. So making it to 13 weeks has been a big goal of mine ever since finding out about you. I remember being six weeks along and thinking another seven weeks sounded like a million years away. And here we are.

This weekend I made a huge effort to relax and really celebrate the fact that we've made it past the 13-week mark. To push the scary thoughts and the anxiety to the back of my mind, if only for a couple days. To just revel in the fact that today, right now, I am pregnant.

I'd have to say the best part about hitting the 13-week mark is that once again, I'm starting to feel much, much better. I wouldn't say I'm back to 'normal' quite yet, but the puking has subsided, I have some of my old energy back, and best of all, I am starting to get my appetite back! I seriously haven't actually enjoyed the act of eating in like two solid months, so just being able to eat a full meal, without it feeling like a horrible chore, feels amazing. I was so excited about my new appetite that I made Dad document the occasion while eating at Panera yesterday afternoon:

There it is, Baby. Your first official meal. Hope you liked it!

In addition to being able to eat again, I've also finally had the urge to re-enter the world again. I decided it was time to start acting like a human being. Time to move the bed out of the living room and back up to the bedroom (yep, it was down there for like a month!). Time to get out of the house (wearing something other than sweat pants). Time to vacuum the carpets, dust the bookshelves and the TV stand, and go through that huge pile of mail that now took up literally half the dining room table.

I even decided it was time to actually blow dry and straighten my hair (instead of just leaving the house with it wet) for the first time since the end of July. I even thought about putting on some makeup, but decided I had to leave something exciting for week 14, right? Ha.

Here are a few pics of the bump and the straight hair:

This shirt actually kinda hides the belly. And please ignore the ugly maternity jeans...I hate those things!

Wait a second...is that an actual smile I see??

Had to include this one because I think it's funny. Your dad was being super annoying with the pictures :)

Having these little, short-term goals has been really helpful in making it through this pregnancy so far. And I love each and every time I make it past one of them. Get pregnant: check. See heartbeat: check. Make it to 10 weeks (end of the progesterone suppositories): check. Have a good 12-week scan: check. Hear the heartbeat with the doppler: check. Make it to 13 weeks: check.

The next goal is to make it to 16 weeks (and hopefully find out the gender!). Less than three weeks away! Then it's to feel movement. Then to have a good 20-week level 2 anatomy scan...and then I really can't even think past that point quite yet. Making it to March is just so overwhelming, but it really does help to break it up into manageable little chunks.

Alright, little E. Thank you for sticking with us for the last 13 weeks. I just know we'll get through this crazy ride, together.

I love you so much,

Mom

You are my first.

2011-09-22T16:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Stevie,
Now that I am starting to look more obviously "with child," I've been faced with the question I have been dreading since the day I found out I was pregnant with little E: "is this your first?"

I usually deal with this question in one of two ways.

1) I simply smile and nod. This is my response when the question is coming from someone I do not know at all, and will likely never see again. Take, for example, the 17-year old girl ringing up my toothpaste, goldfish crackers, and toilet paper at Target. I mean, what's the point of explaining the whole sad story to some girl I have no connection to whatsoever? All that's going to do is make things really awkward and quite possibly ruin her day. I always feel a little bit like I'm lying in these situations, but I don't really feel guilty about it. It's kind of like when a stranger says, "how are you doing?" and you say, "fine, thanks," even though you're having a really crappy day.

2) I say "no, we actually lost our first baby late in the second trimester." This is how I answer the question when its coming from someone I do have at least some sort of relationship with. Coworkers, friends of friends, those sorts of people (and sometimes, depending on how chatty they are and how much I think they are going to pry for details, people like hair stylists make it into this category as well). Of course, when I tell people that I lost a baby, it always turns into a longer conversation. People want to know why, how, when. They usually react with shock and pity, but 99% of the time, they end up being really, really nice and understanding. More often than not, they go onto to tell me about their daughter/cousin/sister/great aunt who had a stillbirth and then later had a healthy baby (or two or three or four). I actually enjoy telling people about you, my first little girl. I like having the opportunity to say your name and tell your story.

So when straight-up asked the question, I have no problem figuring out what to say (or what not to say). My problem comes when people just assume 'E' is my first without even asking.

Because I'm young (and am obviously never seen out and about with living children in tow!), most everyone that doesn't know me very well assumes this is my first pregnancy, my first child. For example, it came up in a meeting with a bunch of work people that I don't interact with on a very regular basis (they work from a different office), that I was pregnant. Everyone started saying "oh my gosh! Congrats! You must be so excited! How are you feeling?" When I said, "oh, I've been feeling pretty sick," one of the ladies was like, "don't worry, it will get better once you're in the second trimester." How do I respond? What I want to say is, "I know, I've been pregnant before!" But at the same time, I almost feel bad ruining their fun and excitement by bringing up my history (especially in the middle of a meeting). It's just so awkward. It's easy to respond when people ask me, but I never know how to bring it up when they don't.

And then the worst is when people do know all about you and pretty much choose to pretend you never happened; like I was never pregnant. It's like because my baby didn't end up coming home with me, I was never six months pregnant, like I'm not qualified to share my experiences, like it didn't count.

This whole thing is just so complicated. Do you know how badly I wish my answer to the "is this your first" question could be "nope, I have a beautiful 15-month old little girl at home"? Man, I would give anything to be able to say that.

No matter how I respond on the outside, the way I feel inside never changes: you are my first. Always and forever.

I miss you so much,
Mom

This is love...

2011-09-21T14:40:00.000-05:00

Dear E,
I thought I was getting really good at giving myself my Lovenox injections. Apparently, I'm not, because check out the nasty bruise I gave myself last night (warning: the following picture is not pretty!).

And it just keeps getting bigger and darker today! I swear I didn't post this just for sympathy. I'm actually a bit concerned. Is there anyone out there who has done/is doing the Lovenox shots that can tell me whether or not this is normal? Dr. Google assures me it's fine, but I can't help but be a bit freaked out. Most of the bruises I've been getting are the size of that little dot to the left (right under my ring), to put things into perspective.

The last 24 hours have pretty much sucked. In addition to acquiring this lovely painful welt on my stomach, I also discovered someone found our check card (which I didn't even realize was missing yet), and proceeded to go on a little shopping spree, to the tune of almost $400, at gas stations across Minneapolis. Then, this morning I puked all over my shoes, in my garage, as I was getting ready to leave for work. So, here's to hoping today can only get better from here! :)

I love you, Little E. I'll gladly take all the massive tummy bruises, thieves, and puking in the world if it means I get to have you, too!

Love,
Mom

Comparison

2011-09-19T19:24:00.000-05:00

Dear E,
I feel am feeling huge this week! I guess it's true that you show sooner with baby #2.

Here's me at 12 weeks with your big sister:

And here I am at 12 weeks, 3 days with you:

Quite a difference, don't you think?

Oh how I love both of my precious little babes. With all my heart.

Keep growing, little E.

XOXO,
Mom

Names...and a contest!

2011-09-17T13:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,
My 16-week ultrasound is on October 14th. Hopefully we'll be finding out if Baby E is a boy or a girl that day. I am so excited! I thought it would be fun to do a little guessing game contest, because hey, who doesn't like the chance at winning free crap?! I'm thinking the prize will be some pumpkin-scented candles because they just sound amazing right now.

So...to enter, just leave a comment with your guess! Is Baby E an Elliot or an Eleanor?

A bit on the names:

Elliot is after one of Andy's very best friends (since 1st grade) who recently passed away after a battle with colon cancer. The day we got the news of his death, Andy said, "if we ever have a son, I want to name him Elliot," to which I replied, "I'd be totally cool with that." The very next day, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know Elliot nearly as well as Andy did, but he was an amazing guy and any child of ours would be lucky to be named after him.

For the girl name, I decided right after Stevie died that if we ever had another little girl, I wanted her name to mean "light." I know I talk about my favorite song, Let it Be all the time, but the line "and when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me," was something that really got me through some dark moments--the thought that there would be light in my world again someday. I've always loved the name Eleanor and so when I saw that it meant "light," I knew it was just meant to be. We'd probably mainly call her Elle, for short.

I'm thinking E is an Eleanor, but with Stevie I was absolutely convinced she was a boy, so I wouldn't trust my instincts if I were you :)

Make sure to leave your name if you leave an anonymous comment. I'll randomly draw a winner from the people who guess correctly and announce it as soon as we have an answer!

Thanks guys!!

Love,
Kristin

12 week ultrasound

2011-09-16T17:23:00.000-05:00

Dear E,
I just got back from your 12-week appointment and am incredibly happy (and relieved!) to report that things continue to look great! You are looking so much more like an actual baby. I love it.

Yesterday, the day before the appointment, my nerves once again got the best of me and I was feeling really, really anxious. I kept crying for no real reason, other than I was just so scared. So worried that I was going to have to go through the whole "there is no heartbeat" experience again.

I ended up going out to dinner (well, happy hour) with one of my best friends, Lisa, and it was really nice to get my mind off of things for at least a couple hours. Then when it was time for bed, I couldn't sleep I was so nervous.

I have been putting off trying to find your heartbeat with my at-home doppler, because I was afraid it was too early and if I couldn't find it, I'd just freak out (even more than I already am all the time). But the nerves got to be so bad this morning that I decided "screw it." If there was even a chance I might get some peace of mind before my appointment, I'd give it a shot. To my surprise, I was able to find your heartbeat right away. Baby, it was music to my ears. And it really did provide just the right amount of peace to get me through my day.

After sitting through a four-hour training on nonprofit finance (you're all jealous, I know), it was finally time to pick up Dad from work and head to the doctor. The scariest part about getting ultrasounds for me is the first few seconds, before I can figure out what it is I'm looking at and whether or you're okay, whether or not you're alive in there. You must have been looking out for your mom this afternoon because I swear to God, the second that wand hit my belly, there you were--literally jumping around.

And that's pretty much what you did the entire ultrasound. I couldn't stop smiling, watching my cute little babe propelling itself off the walls of my uterus. And your nubs have grown into real legs! And arms! Complete with these teeny tiny little hands, with teeny tiny little fingers! I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's truly incredible watching you grow from week to week. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around the whole thing.

Here you are, three months old:

After the ultrasound, I had an appointment with my doctor. Not much new to report from that. We got to listen to your heartbeat again, on the doppler. We could hear you kicking the thing the whole time. My doctor even said, "this kid is moving around a lot in there!"

It was kind of funny. I told my doctor that I was so happy that I haven't had a real puke in almost a week. Then literally two minutes after getting home, some nasty smell in the kitchen had me running to the bathroom and throwing up the pineapple orange juice and chocolate chip cookie I'd just eaten. Oops--guess I spoke too soon!

Alright, Little E, you keep growing, jumping, and doing your thing in there. I'll see you again in 4 weeks!

Love you,
Mom

When life gives you bruises...make a smiley face out of them

2011-09-13T18:43:00.000-05:00

Dear E,
I started the Lovenox injections last Thursday. It took me a couple days to get over the creepiness factor (seriously, it's just really, really strange to stick yourself with a needle for some reason), but they really aren't that bad. The shots sting for about 15 minutes or so, but nothing too painful. I like to imagine I'm injecting myself with some sort of magical baby-growing serum; sounds more exciting than blood thinners, anyway.

With each shot, I've been getting a little purple bruise at the injection site. I was complaining to Dad about how nasty my belly is going to look, and about how I won't be able to take any cute bare-belly shots, and he was like, "you should make the bruises into a smiley face!" I love it! So that's the plan, Baby. I'm currently working on the smile, which will go below my belly button ring nose. I might just get some fun(ny) naked belly pictures out of this after all!

In this dark and crappy cell phone picture, below, you can kind of make out the start of it:

I have my next ultrasound and OB appointment on Friday. Now's about the time where I start to get SUPER nervous and scared. Hoping and praying with all my might for more good news.

Love you, little E. See you soon!

XOXO,
Mom

What? Good news from an insurance company?

2011-09-08T16:45:00.000-05:00

Dear E,
I have seriously spent hours on the phone this week, trying to get my Lovenox prescription approved and filled. I've talked to multiple people at multiple pharmacies, multiple people at my OB's office, and multiple people at my insurance company, trying to convince them all that I do not want to give myself daily injections in the stomach for fun, that this medication is, in fact, "medically necessary." I will spare you the whole drawn-out story, because I'm pretty sure reading it will only make you want to gouge your own eyes out, but let me tell you, it was a mess! The whole process for getting things "pre-approved" is in serious need of some streamlining, if you ask me.

Anyway, I have been incredibly stressed out all week because I need to start these shots, and until they were "pre-approved" by my insurance company, I couldn't get them. My insurance likes to try to deny covering anything, so I was also really afraid that my co-pay was going to be ridiculously high. Well, I am relieved to report that in the end I only have to pay $15/month out of pocket! This is a miracle, seriously. In my mind, I was already thinking of things I could sell to pay for these shots (without coverage they are like over $1,500 a month!) I never thought I'd say this, but YAY for my insurance company!

Here they are, the drugs I've been so desperate to get my hands on:

I am both nervous and strangely excited to give myself my first injection tonight. I'll let you know how it goes!

One more thing. I can't believe how pregnant I look today! I had to do a double-take the first time I saw my side-view in the mirror in the bathroom at work. Then I went back to office, grabbed my phone, and took a picture to show you what I mean:

I guess it's time to stop wearing the form-fitting clothes! I haven't told many people at work about you yet, but I hope people are starting to assume I'm pregnant...otherwise they must think I really need to cut down on the beers, ha.

I am 11 weeks tomorrow, and have felt slightly better the last two days or so. I should be thanking my lucky stars, but of course it just has me scared out of my mind. Can someone please assure me it's normal to be starting to feel less sick at 11 weeks??

Okay, time for a nap. Love you sweet babe!

Love,
Mom

First peri appointment

2011-09-07T10:36:00.001-05:00

Dear Stevie,
I had my first appointment with the Perinatalogist yesterday. I'm not sure why, but I was really nervous about it beforehand. Maybe because I was worried I wouldn't ask the right questions, or would leave and forget everything they told me. I feel such a responsibility to make sure everything that can be done, is done to keep your new little sibling safe. I know I am his/her only voice, his/her only advocate, and I just want to get it right this time around.

As soon as I met the new doctor, I liked her right away. She started things off by saying how sorry she was that you died. When going over the pathology/autopsy report from last year, she always referred to you as "your daughter," which I really appreciated. She said she is pretty confident that the blood clots in your umbilical cord were in fact what caused your death. I had never heard this before, but she also said there was a large clot underneath the placenta, which she believes may have actually caused the cord clots. She said this could have been just a random occurrence, or could have been caused by the blood clotting disorders I have. Since there is no way to tell that for sure, they are moving forward as if it was the blood clotting disorders were the cause.

So all this time, she's only mentioned the MTHFR clotting disorder, not the PAI-1 thing I knew I also had. So I said, "I think I also have another one of those disorders. PAI-1 or something. I'm not sure what it stands for." The doctor paused and looked through my chart and lab work before asking, "are you sure? I'm only seeing information about the MTHFR mutation." I was like, "I am 100% sure my doctor told me I have this other blood disorder too." So the doctor was really confused and stepped out to call my regular OB's office. She came back a few minutes later and said, "your doctor's office said they sent over all your labs. Are you sure you had a full blood clotting panel done?" I said I don't know exactly what tests they ran, but that they took 10 vials of my blood in June, 2010, and shortly after I was informed of the MTHFR and PAI-1 thingys. So again the doctor leaves to call my OB's office one more time. I could hear her outside the room, saying, "well my patient here is pretty certain she had more labs run than what's in her chart here..."

Finally, she said my OB's office did find the additional lab results that were not sent over with the rest of my information (who knows why??), and would fax everything over right away. At this point, I was obviously annoyed, but mostly just glad that a) I spoke up when I felt like they didn't have all the information they needed and b) that this new doctor believed me and kept bugging my OB's office until they sent everything over.

Once the tests were faxed over, the doctor returned with like 30 pages of lab results. Ironically, according to her, the particular type of MTHFR mutation I have (apparently there are many different kinds...) is not even associated with clotting. BUT the PAI-1 mutation that wasn't even in my chart IS a clotting concern. So it's a really good thing the doctor saw that, otherwise she would not have recommended as much treatment/monitoring as she ended up doing.

So what's the treatment plan? I am supposed to start 40mg Lovenox shots this week (side rant: we'll see if I actually can, since my insurance still hasn't approved them 9 days after trying to fill the prescription, and without coverage they will cost $1,600/month, which I simply can't afford right now...don't even get me started on how pissed off about this I am!) I was also advised to stay on the baby aspirin as well. I'll be seeing my regular OB every 2 weeks for ultrasounds until 19-10 weeks, when I'll go back to the Peri for a level 2 ultrasound. Then another one of those at 24 weeks, and then starting at 26-28 weeks, I'll be going in for weekly growth ultrasounds and doppler flow studies (monitoring the placental/cord blood flow). During this time, I'll also still be seeing my regular OB for normal check-ups and all of that.

After I hit the 20-week mark (assuming I get that far!), it's going to get very busy around here!

During the appointment, I think the doctor could sense that I am really struggling with anxiety with this pregnancy. I kept referring to myself as a "ticking time bomb," meaning I worry all day, every day, that this baby is going to die, without warning, just like you did. The doctor suggested that I get some "support" from a professional, and recommended a therapist who specializes in pregnancy complications and pregnancy after loss. I think I am going to give her a call because I am getting to the point where the worry and stress is making it hard for me to function, and that's obviously not good, or healthy. Part of me feels weird about seeing a therapist because I don't like thinking of myself as 'crazy.' But I know that while what I'm feeling is normal, there is no shame in seeking help to get those feelings under control.

I was also able to tell the doctor all about Faces of Loss, and she was really impressed and interested in getting information about it to pass along to patients. She also mentioned that because I am so involved in the organization, and am so surrounded by loss because of it, it's no wonder I am so worried all the time. I am just way too aware of everything that can possibly go wrong in a pregnancy. Not only am I concerned about what happened to you happening again, I'm scared of the millions of other complications I now know about, too. The doctor said in a way, she can relate, since her entire career she's only dealt with 'difficult' pregnancies. It's hard to remember that 90% of the time, pregnancy is a wonderful, beautiful thing that results in a happy, healthy baby. I have no intentions of stopping my work with Faces, but I have had to stop reading the stories, at least for right now.

Okay, so this is like the longest, most boring post ever. I guess I will wrap things up by saying overall I feel good about how the appointment went, and the treatment plan going forward. Although part of me wishes I could just be knocked out and strapped to monitors 24/7 until March, I really feel like my doctors are taking my concerns very seriously and doing everything they can to ensure a happy ending this time.

I love you, Stevie. I hope you know I would have done all this and more for you, too, had I any idea you were in danger. I miss you so much.

Love,
Mom

Double digits, baby!

2011-09-06T16:44:00.001-05:00

Dear E,
Last Friday we hit the double digits. As promised, I finally allowed myself to be photographed yesterday afternoon, at 10w3d along:

It's sort of a weird angle, but that's what happens when the guy taking your picture is a giant (6'10!)

And how scary is this view I have? I don't know what's going on in there...

I don't have much to update from this long weekend, so here are the lows and highs of week 10 so far:

The lows:

1. Puking chocolate malt ice cream out of my nose. Seriously, this might be one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. We're talking blowing a mixture of snot and ice cream out of my nose for like HOURS after the initial incident. There were many tears.

2. Using body lotion instead of conditioner on my hair...for two days before realizing my mistake. I thought my greasy hair was just another fun pregnancy symptom!

3. Crying tears of joy at Beyonce's pregnancy announcement...on more than one occasion.

4. Bringing the mattress down to the living room floor so I can watch TV in bed all the time.

5. Catching a super awful head cold that makes it impossible to breath while laying down.

The highs:

1. Bringing the mattress down to the living room floor so I can watch TV in bed all the time. It's like a slumber party every night!

2. Discovering (well, my mom discovering for me) the awesomeness of lemon juice mixed with water.

3. Getting seasons 2 and 3 of Six Feet Under on DVD from my little brother (a belated birthday gift). When the DVDs arrived in the mail at my parents' house (they ordered them off Amazon), my dad texted me, "your death DVDs are here. They should cheer you up." Haha...

4. Eating an (almost) entire bowl of spaghetti on Saturday night without puking it back up!

5. The fact that I'm still pregnant!!

I had my first appointment with the Peri today. It all went really well. I'll update more on that soon!

Love you, Baby E. Keep growing!

XOXO,

Mom

August 29th: 9(ish) weeks

2011-09-05T09:39:00.000-05:00

Written 8/29/11: 9.5 weeks pregnant

Dear E,

I haven’t taken any belly shots yet this week, because a) there is never a moment where I don’t look like complete crap and b) I’ve been too busy puking, and trying not to puke, to remember such things! I promise to suck it up and take one sometime soon. Despite the fact that I’ve actually lost weight since becoming pregnant, the belly continues to grow and expand at a somewhat alarming rate!

Anyway, I had an appointment on Friday (my first “official” prenatal appointment with the Midwife at my doctor’s office), and an ultrasound and meeting with my doctor this morning.

Friday’s appointment was pretty boring. It was basically to go over all the do’s and don’ts (mainly dont’s!) during pregnancy, take even more of my blood, and as an extra fun surprise, I also got a pap smear! It was funny–during the exam “down there,” the Midwife said, “your uterus feels very full.” Since I freak out about everything these days, I said with alarm, “is that okay??” She laughed and said, “yes, it’s full…of baby!”

I also had to fill out all sorts of paperwork and go over my medical history and all of that. This might sound strange, but I really loved the fact that I got to include Stevie’s birth information on so many different forms. Writing down that I birthed a baby who weighed 1 pound, 13 ounces, who was 13.5 inches long, made me feel like a mom. Like she was really real. That she’s a part of my history. That she matters.

After Friday’s appointment, I spent most of the weekend at Grandma and Grandpa’s house while Dad was working. It was really nice to be babied by my mom (she went as far as removing the skins from french fry wedges when I wanted a baked potato and those were the closest she had!), and watching stupid crap on TV like “The Millionaire Matchmaker.”

Then it was time for today’s ultrasound appointment. Of course I was nervous as hell beforehand. I mean, I seriously go into these things with dread, not excitement. But thankfully, everything looked great once again! You are looking so much more like an actual baby. It’s really mind-blowingly amazing to watch you grow and develop from week to week. The only word I can think of to describe it is miraculous. Simply unreal.

Your big head is much more defined now, and your cute little arm and leg bus were jerking and twitching all over the place.

Here are a few pictures:

I can't get over those cute little foot nubs!

Your little heart was going crazy fast at 188bpm (up from 158 2 weeks ago!)

After the ultrasound, I met with my doctor to sort of finalize our “game plan” moving forward. She is having me finish up my last package of progesterone suppositories (I think I have about 10 days left), and then I will be starting once-a-day Lovenox injections immediately after. She doesn’t want me on both the suppositories and Lovenox at the same time since both can cause spotting and she knows that will only cause me to panic (and she’s so right!)

She is also referring me to a Perinatologist (high risk OB) who I will meet with in 4-5 weeks. The Peri will come up with a plan for doppler blood flow studies (basically, monitoring the blood flow in the cord) and some level 2 ultrasounds going forward. It sounds like I’ll be working with both the Peri and my regular doctor quite regularly. The nice thing is that the Peri’s office is in the same building as my regular OB’s office, so I won’t be driving all over the place for all these different appointments.

My next ultrasound and appointment is scheduled for September 16th, when I’ll be right around 12 weeks.

Can’t wait to see you again, Baby!

Love you more and more each day,

Mom

August 24th: 8(ish) weeks

2011-09-05T09:37:00.002-05:00

Written 8/24/11: 8.5 weeks pregnant

Dear E,

I hit 8 weeks last Friday, so once again I’m running a bit late with the updating.

Not much new this week, as far as symptoms go. I did have my first ever experience with what I believe is called “projectile vomiting” yesterday though. I’ll spare you all the nasty details, but let’s just say I will never attempt to eat Leann Chin again for as long as I am alive. Gross!

I’ve basically just been in a state of sickness and worry for the last month or so, and I am so ready to move past this lame first trimester business. Your poor grandmother. I call her pretty much every night in tears, whining and complaining about how awful I feel, and how scared I am. I know I’ve said this like a million times already, but this is seriously so much harder than I thought it would be. With Stevie, I felt physically sick, but my spirits were so high. I was so excited and blissfully naive, and I think that really helped balance out the physical yuckiness I was dealing with. Now, I’m super sick AND super worried. I’m hoping I can get to the point where I can add in some excitement and bliss at some point, but I’m just not there yet, unfortunately.

Anyway, here’s the most recent “belly shot” at 8 weeks, 3 days:

Please excuse the gross air-dried hair and the half-assed smile. The photo was taken about an hour after the aforementioned projectile vomiting incident.

One thing I am getting super excited about is the fact that I am almost done with the stupid progesterone suppositories I’ve been taking. When I’m done with this pack, I’ll be done forever:

And in the following picture, you can see why I refer to these annoying little suckers as bullets. I’m always yelling downstairs at Dad to “bring me one of my bullets!!” Ha.

So yesterday was my birthday. 26. I feel so old! We went to dinner with Dad’s family at Ruby Tuesday, where I was able to successful keep down some lettuce with cheese and ranch dressing, and a few grapes. I was given a free red velvet cupcake for my birthday, and I couldn’t even touch it. Baby, you just don’t know what you’re missing!

At dinner, you received your first present: a pack of totally adorable onesies and a couple super cute toys from your Grandma and Grandpa Cook. We have so much baby stuff that you’ll probably end up inheriting from your big sister, but these are the first things that were picked out especially for you. I really, really hope you’ll get to use them someday:

Well, I am ready for a nap. Love you, Baby. See you soon.

Xoxo,

Mom

August 18th: Another freak out...

2011-09-05T09:36:00.000-05:00

Written 8/18/11: 7.5 weeks pregnant

Dear E,

I am generally a very relaxed person. Some people (like my mom) might even say I’m too relaxed when it comes to certain things.

Well, I am certainly not relaxed when it comes to this pregnancy. In fact, I’m the opposite of the word. I have never been so anxious, stressed out, and physically ill with worry about anything before in my life. Even with Stevie, the experience of losing her was obviously horrible, but it wasn’t really stressful. I didn’t spend hours, days, weeks, or months worrying she was going to die. She just did. It all happened so quickly, so suddenly, that I didn’t have any time beforehand to be stressed out about it.

So this is all very new, and very scary to me. Okay, make that terrifying.

Anyway, this is all an attempt to justify the crazy freak out I had Tuesday night/yesterday morning.

Remember that brown spotting that had me convinced I was about to miscarry about a week ago? Well, it went away for almost a week, then it came back at about 4PM Tuesday. There was more of it this time, and the color was a bit different. As soon I noticed it, I went into complete panic mode. I started shaking, felt dizzy, and called my doctor’s office immediately. The triage nurse who I spoke to got me in for an ultrasound the next day, and told me to just try to relax and take it easy until then. That if the spotting turned into period-like bleeding, to go to the ER.

I called my mom, convinced her that I was miscarrying, and went to lie down in bed. I texted Dad, told him it was an emergency and to leave work as soon as possible. Of course he was worried, but I think he secretly just thought I was being irrational and a little crazy.

I spent that evening and night in a state of terror. I wouldn’t get out of bed, afraid that if I stood up, I was going to start bleeding more. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I just kept repeating, “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” over and over and over again.

Finally, morning came. I stayed in bed until it was time to leave for the ultrasound. I made Dad call into work so I wouldn’t be alone “when we got the bad news.”

We were silent the entire drive to the doctor’s office. I can’t put into words how scared and preemptively sad I was.

Thankfully, we only had to wait about five minutes after arriving before the ultrasound tech called us back. I was so relieved it was the same woman who did my first ultrasound last week. She is unbelievably nice and totally sympathetic to my fears and concerns.

As soon as she started getting prepped to do the ultrasound, I started shaking again.

Then, I saw you. You looked so different already. So much more like a baby.

“There’s the heartbeat,” the tech said, zooming in on your tiny chest. She turned the volume up so we could hear it. “It’s up to 158bpm, which is perfect.”

I asked if you were measuring on track. She said you were, to the exact day.

You can see the umbilical cord now, and the outline of the sack really clearly

I really couldn’t believe it.

She looked for a long time for any reasons for the spotting, and once again found nothing. No tears, a long and closed cervix, everything as it should be. I was again told that it must be from the progesterone suppositories. Those damn suppositories are going to be the death of me, I swear.

While I am so relieved that you’re okay, I am still incredibly scared. I don’t know how to relax and enjoy this. I actually think I am going to look into seeing a counselor. I really need to learn some ways to cope with this stress because I know it’s not healthy for me, or for you, for me to be so anxious all the time.

People warned me that pregnancy after loss was difficult. But I think I thought I was somehow going to avoid the fear or something. I thought since it’s been over a year since Stevie died, I’d be able to handle this. That I’d be strong enough to do this on my own. I’m quickly realizing I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

Please continue to grow and thrive, little one. I love you so much already.

Xoxo,

Mom

August 15th: 7(ish) weeks

2011-09-05T09:34:00.001-05:00

Written 8/15/11: 7.5 weeks pregnant

Dear E,

So this is a bit late, but on Friday we hit the 7 week mark! This weekend, my ‘morning sickness’ (all day sickness is what it should be called) was in full swing. And then I whacked my back all out of alignment, so that was extra fun. I pretty much spent the entire weekend in bed or on the couch. The dogs are loving all this extra cuddle time!

When I was pregnant with your sister, I didn’t start showing at all until like 16-18 weeks. I guess it’s true that you pop out much sooner with each subsequent pregnancy, because I feel HUGE. I swear, this isn’t all fat, because really, I’ve been eating mainly plain rice and crackers, and throwing up a couple times a day. And I realize you are like the size of a blueberry, so it’s not all you either. But whatever it is, there is definitely a bump that begs to be seen!

If I’m already struggling to disguise the bump at just 7.5 weeks along, I am kind of afraid of what I’m gonna look like by the time March rolls around! Yikes!

I just realized that today is August 15th–Stevie’s due date. I should have a one year old’s party to plan this week. Instead, I have a one baby in my heart, and one baby in my belly. Bittersweet for sure.

Keep growing, little E! T-minus 14 days until I get to see you again!

I love you,

Mom

August 11th: deal

2011-09-05T09:32:00.002-05:00

Written 8/11/11: 6.5 weeks pregnant

Dear E,

So, my babies have very strange appetites. Just like your big sister, all you’re allowing me to eat is spicy (we’re talking hot sauce like straight outta the bottle) and smoothies. Mainly banana smoothies. And I hate bananas.

Since about Monday, I’ve been on the verge of throwing up like 90% of the day. You know that yucky, almost tingly feeling you get in your mouth right before it happens? Yeah, I have that constantly. Last night it got so bad that I lay in bed crying because I just couldn’t make myself feel better. I know, I know. I shouldn’t be complaining, and I’m not really. Just sayin’, I feel like crap.

Let’s make a deal. I’ll stop complaining about this nausea business if you promise to keep growing for me. Deal?

I love you,

Mom