Forever

Dear Stevie,
I don't even remember where I saw it, but I read somewhere this week a quote that went something like, "I'm trying to not just 'accept' my loss, but seriously embrace it with all the strength my two arms and strong heart can hold."

At first I thought it sounded so messed up. I mean, who the hell wants to embrace something so horrible? Accept it, sure, it's not like I really have a choice but to do that. But embrace it? Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to try and forget this whole sad experience ever happened, to push it way, way back in my mind? Get rid of all the painful reminders and move on with my life?

Probably. But I refuse to believe that your short little life was for nothing. I feel like I owe it to you as your mom to make sure your life and death wasn't in vain. I don't know that I believe that cliche phrase "everything happens for a reason," but I do believe that I have a choice in what I make of this shitty situation that I don't and probably never will understand. I guess I am choosing to let what happened change and shape me. I'm choosing to let it make me a better, stronger person. I want you to be proud of your mommy.

I wanted a permanent reminder of you, so tonight Dad and I got tattoos. You have shaped me on the inside, and now I have a reminder of that on the outside.

Like a tree, your memory will live on in my heart.

Your footprints (actual size and everything). One of each of dad's feet, so when he is biking, you are right there pedaling with him.

I miss you and love you so much baby girl.

Love,
Mom

Let it Be

Dear Stevie,
One night about a month ago your Dad and I sat on the couch and put together an iTunes playlist for you and called it "Stevie's Mix." I had read that you could now hear and respond to music, so we wanted to make sure you were exposed to all the "classics" right from the start. We argued about which songs to include and laughed and imagined how you were going to recognize those songs after you were born.

When it came to choosing which Beatles song to include, it was a tough call; as you grew up, you would have realized there are a LOT of good Beatles songs to pick from! Eventually we decided on "Let it Be."

Today I've had this song on repeat. The tears stream down my face as I listen to it, but for some reason it's bringing me a tiny bit of peace. The words are so simple, yet so profound:

"And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be. "

Let it be. That's what I'm trying to do. Trying to keep the "why me" questions at bay. Trying to accept the fact that you're gone and there's no changing that. Trying to trust that someday there will be light in my life again and that although I might never get an answer to why this happened, that someday I will be able to say your life and death was not for nothing--that you changed me and made me a better person. I'm not there yet, but trying is a step in the right direction, right?

Love you Baby,
Mom

1 Week, 1 Day

Dear Stevie,
Today is Sunday, the day of the week that I would make Dad take new belly pictures of me every week and celebrate it being another week closer to August 15th. I should be writing my 27 week update today. Instead I am writing my 1 week, 1 day update. It's been 1 week and 1 day since you were born, since my world came crashing down, since we had to say hello and goodbye all at once. Somehow I'm still here, I "made it" through the first week, but I feel like a completely different person than I was just 1 week, 1 day ago. I feel like an empty shell, like all the hope and joy I had inside of me has been just sucked out. Like my once happy and carefree spirit left when you did. I miss you so much.

I wish I could tell you that I am doing okay, that I felt "at peace" with your passing, like so many of the sympathy cards we've gotten in the mail mention. But the truth is, this is harder than I could have ever imagined. I'm far from "okay." I wish I could say that it's getting easier each day, but it's not. Each day is harder. The world is moving on, and I feel alone in this dark, dark place. Everyone asks what they can do to help, but they can't give me the one thing that can make me feel better: you. I just want my baby girl so bad.

Everything makes me think about you. You're everywhere. My closet full of maternity clothes. The tightly closed door to your half-finished nursery. The deck where we were supposed to spend afternoons together in the sunshine. The sidewalk in front of our house that you were going to cover in chalk. The sink that I was going to wash your bottles in while singing to you, all tucked-in close to me in your sling. The living room floor where you were going to learn how to crawl. The space next to my bed where your co-sleeper was going to be. Your ultrasound pictures that I found yesterday as I was looking through my purse for my keys. This week my mom and the rest of our families have been around to help; all I can think about it how they should be here helping us get adjusted to life with our new baby, not doing dishes and vacuuming the house because I am too heartbroken to do anything but lay on the couch or in my bed.

And maybe the most painful reminder of you of all: my breasts filling with milk that you will never get to drink.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I started this blog so that someday you would be able to read about the earliest part of your life and so that you would know how much we loved you, even before you were born. I know that now you will never read these words, but writing them to you is helpful to me anyway. I hope with all my heart that even though you never got a chance to read this journal, you knew how loved you were. I hope you somehow sensed how much your mommy and daddy treasured you. I hope you know now how badly I miss you and wish you were here.

All my love,

Mom

From Dad

Dear Stevie,

This blog has always been your mom’s thing. One thing that you would have learned about me as you grew up is that I’m not much of a documenter. You would have known that your mom is much better at that than I am. I was thinking about that on a bike ride today and decided that I would write a note to you when I got home.

I listened to my music on shuffle and Johnny Thunders’ cover that he did with the Heartbreakers of “Do You Love Me,” by The Contours came on. I just started crying because I’ve listened to that song a bunch of times waiting for the day that I’d be dancing with you in the kitchen, cooking breakfast on a Saturday morning with that song on in the background. I rode the trails that I ride every day and it further sunk in that I won’t ever get the chance to drag you around in one of those trailers. I wouldn’t get to spend my time riding to work thinking about your exploits. I wouldn’t get to take you to the park after work and watch you run around with other kids while your mom and I met other parents.

I’m really afraid that I’m going to forget the time that we had. The way I hustled home to play bike messenger for your mom when you wanted to eat something specific. The first time that I felt your little kicks. The ways that your mom and I changed because we knew you were coming. Little arguments at Ikea over how much bedding, how many stuffed animals and what kind of diapers we should get for you. I miss you.

Johnny Thunders sang in another song, “You can’t put your arms around a memory.” That line has been stuck in my head. I’m glad I got to hold you, even if it was only for a couple of minutes and I couldn’t stop crying. I’m sad that from here on out, we’re only going to have you as a memory.

I miss you so much.

Love,

Daddy

Your Birthday

Precious little Stevie Joy,
It breaks my heart to have to type this, but I want to remember your first and only birthday forever. You are so special to me and your dad. You will always be our first little girl, and we will love you forever. You made me a mother, a better person, and I know you will always be a part of me until the day I die. I love you so much it hurts.

Here it goes. On Friday morning I called the doctor's office because I hadn't been feeling your little kicks I had become so used to feeling for the last day or so. I wasn't too worried, but I was hoping for some reassurance and peace of mind. I didn't even bring Dad with me to the appointment because I really thought I was surely over-reacting. I let work know I was going in for a quick check-up, but shouldn't be more than 30 minutes late.

When the doctor walked in, she looked a bit surprised to see me (my last appointment was just over a week ago, and everything looked great!) "What's going on?" She asked. "I just haven't been feeling her move for over 24 hours, so I called and they said I could come in for a quick check. I'm sure I'm just a paranoid first-time mom," I said. The doctor then had me hop up on the chair for a listen with the doppler. I expected to hear the comforting sound of your little heart, like I have so many times before. She moved the doppler around my belly for what seemed like forever. A couple times she thought she picked you up, but then discovered it was actually my own pulse she was hearing. I started to get a little nervous. "I don't want to torture you," the doctor said, "let's go down to the ultrasound room for a quick look."

We quickly walked to the ultrasound room. It was dark and quiet. The doctor squeezed the cold gel onto my belly and turned on the machine. She looked at the screen in silence for a moment before turning it towards me so I could see it. "This is the heart right here," she pointed out, "and I'm not seeing any activity. I want to have the ultrasound tech double-check and take some measurements before we talk about what this means." It was like my brain couldn't comprehend what she was saying, or what I was seeing. "You mean she's gone?" I said, feeling my face get hot. "Where's your husband? Can you call him?" she answered. I got ahold of dad at school (where he works) and told him he needed to meet me at the doctor's office right away. I felt like I was going to faint. The doctor lead me to a room to wait for the second ultrasound to confirm that the worst thing in the world had happened. I called my mom and could hardly barely form the words to tell her you were gone. She said she would be there as soon as she could. Then I waited. I felt like I was living in a nightmare, that this wasn't really happening to me. I just wanted to wake up.

Dad came into the room first, and tears were streaming down his face. Then my mom came in, and she was crying too. We all went into the same ultrasound room that we had your 20-week scan in, the day we found out you were a girl and that everything was perfect. The tech took some measurements. You were so still. I just wanted you to wake up and start squirming around like you did the last time we saw you, when you were such a little wiggle-worm that they had a hard time getting all the measurements they needed. But you stayed still and they confirmed your little heart had stopped beating. There were no signs of life in my womb. You were gone.

What happened next is still kind of a blur. I was told I would need to deliver you at the hospital and that I could either wait for my body to go into labor naturally (which could take 2 weeks), or be induced. We decided to induce labor that afternoon.

Once we were at the hospital, they gave me some medication to make my body start the labor/delivery process. It took about 20 long hours before I started to feel my uterus really contracting. Like me, my body just didn't want to let you go yet; we weren't suppose to do this for another 3 months!

Once the contractions started, it was very painful. I was given a morphine drip and then an epidural. I cried the whole time the were putting the epidural in, thinking about how I had been preparing to deliver you without one, but how now it didn't even matter one way or the other. The epidural took the pain of the contractions away completely. I knew I was having them, but I couldn't feel them. All of a sudden I felt a ton of pressure (kind of like I had to pee really, really bad), and I knew you were almost ready to come out. My doctor was stuck in traffic, on her way to the hospital, so they didn't want me to push you out yet. It was so hard to resist the urge to push. When the doctor finally got there, it wasn't long until you were out.

I could tell when I was delivering your head. The room was quiet, except for the sound of me and Dad sobbing. I saw Dad watch and break down in uncontrollable tears as your beautiful head came out. Then the rest of our body was delivered. I could hear then cut the cord. "What does she look like?" I asked Dad through tears. "Like a beautiful baby," he choked out. The nurse and doctor asked me if I wanted to see her. I was so scared. I had this vision of you as this perfect little girl in my mind and was terrified of losing that. I asked Grandma (my mom) to look at her first for me. She told me you were very fragile, and a bit swollen and bruised from the delivery, but that you were a perfectly formed baby and that I should see you.

I was so nervous as they handed you to me, wrapped in a blanket, with a tiny knit had on your head. The first thing I noticed about you was that you really did have my nose. I used to joke that I could tell you had my nose by the ultrasound pictures, but you really, really did. Then I saw your perfect little hands, complete with the most delicate little fingernails. And your feet, each with five adorable tiny toes. You got your Daddy's big feet! Those were the feet that had been kicking me! I could only hold you for a couple of minutes before it just became too difficult for me. I will never, ever forget the look on your father's face when it was his turn to hold you. He knew exactly how to hold you, and looked into your face with total love. He was so proud of his baby girl. "We had so many things planned for you, Stevie," he said. "I wish I could take you on a bike ride, and take naps with you laying on me." He held you for a long time and I just couldn't stop crying, watching him with you. Your dad loves you so much, and he would have been the most amazing daddy for you if you could have stayed here with us, Stevie.

Eventually both sets of your grandparents came in and got to see you. My dad took pictures of you, and a photographer with an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep also took a lot of pictures of you, which I will treasure forever. We also got your footprints and handprints to keep. I just keep staring at your footprints now that I'm home, just in disbelief at how perfect and big they already were. Did said he wants to get on of your footprints tattooed on each of his feet, so that when he is pedaling on his bike, you are right there pedaling with him.

Later that night we got to go home. It was really hard to leave the hospital. I wanted SO badly to be leaving with my baby in my arms.

That night and the last couple days have been the hardest, saddest days of my life. I miss you so much it hurts. I literally feel like a part of me is missing, and I just don't want to be happy ever again unless it's with you. I just don't understand why this had to happen to you, to us. Your dad and I aren't perfect, but we would have loved you so, so much and I just can't understand why we couldn't keep you. I can't stop thinking about everything I was going to do with you. Not only did you die, but all of the plans and dreams we had for you died too. I feel like I can't do anything but lay in bed, because everything reminds me of you. I don't even want to eat anything because every food reminds me of eating for you. The day after you were born was Mother's Day, which made everything especially hard. It was supposed to be such a happy, beautiful day. I feel like you made me a mom, but how can I be a mom without a baby in my arms? It's just not fair. I'm so sorry I couldn't keep you safe and alive. I just wish you were here with me and dad. I can't believe a week ago today we were putting your crib together, and now I am writing this.

I will love you forever, Stevie. You will always be our little girl. If you're up in heaven, please do what you can to help Mommy make it through this--I don't know how to go on without you Baby.

Love you forever,
Mom

Nursery in Progress

Dear Stevie,
So I went a bit nuts at Ikea yesterday buying all sorts of cute stuff for your room. It was so much fun! Dad's out of town tonight so I've been playing around with everything tonight and getting so excited to put everything together!

Should I still paint the walls light sage green?

The quilt and crib bumper. I am painting wooden letters that spell your name with the same polka dots as the crib bumper to go on the wall above the crib

The pink crib comforter and the curtains. I still need to figure out how to shorten them and actually put them up (I didn't even think to buy a curtain rod, oops!)

Some new buddies for you to play with! :)

My favorite of the stuffed animals

More buddies :)

Wall hooks

This guy will be hung from one of the walls eventually. Love it!

Fox approves of the new rug :)

We also got a bookshelf that matches the crib and changing table really well, that I attempted to put together myself for about 2 minutes (it will have to wait until Dad's home tomorrow!). AND we are going to pick up a rocker/glider and ottoman that matches from someone off Craigslist on Friday (for only $45, can you believe it?!)

I hope you like your room!

Love you lots baby!

Mom

25 Weeks...

Hi Stevie,
You turned 25 weeks on Sunday. I've been looking forward to making it to the 25-week mark because 25 weeks marks official "viability", meaning you would have a pretty good shot at making it if you were born today (but don't go getting any ideas now...you still have lots of cooking to do!). How crazy is that? Time is just flying by!

There you are!

25 weeks. My belly button is really trying to pop out!

The girls love hanging out on my tummy these days. I think they know you're in there :)

On Monday I went with your Grandma Cook (Andy's mom) to get your crib and changing table at Target. Grandma and Grandpa wanted to buy them for you, which was so incredibly nice of them! Dad put them both together right away that night and we LOVE them (I think you will too). It was kind of surreal watching your dad put together a crib--it's starting to really sink in that we are having a baby in just a few months! I also went through and unpacked all the things we've accumulated for you during the last 5 months or so. We have more than I realized! I can't wait to get the rest of the nursery set up and start putting all your things away.

Grandma with your crib and changing table (boxed up in the back of the car)

Dad working on putting the changing table together

Your stuff so far :)

Trying out my Moby Wrap with Foxy. Surprisingly, she LOVED it! I hope you will too!

All put together.

We love you so much and can't wait to meet you!

Mom

New House!

Dear Stevie,
Sorry it's been awhile since I've updated--we've been busy!

Last weekend we moved into a new townhouse about a mile and a half from our old place. On top of the craziness of packing, moving, and unpacking, I also got really sick with a cold. This cold, combined with seasonal allergies and lots of dust from cleaning the old house, turned into a kind of scary asthma attack Sunday night, which has now turned into a nasty cough that won't seem to go away--not fun!

Anyway, I love our new place and it feels so nice to have so much more space! The dogs are loving having so much more room to run around and are really digging the new carpet (we had wood floors before).

I really pushed for us to move into this townhouse because of you, Stevie. If it were just me and your dad, we would have probably moved further into the city, but we want you to get to live in a nice (low-crime!) neighborhood, with lots of other little kids around. The new neighborhood even has a super cute park less than a block down the road! It's the perfect part of town: back in our neighborhood is nice and quiet, but we're only a mile or two from the hustle and bustle of the city. I think you're going to love it!

As I'm unpacking things and walking around the new neighborhood with the dogs, I keep thinking about how awesome it's going to be having you here with us. And I can't believe you'll be here in just over 3 months! Time is FLYING!

We still have a lot to do to make it look like a home (painting, putting up all our pictures and decorations, etc), but here are a few pictures of your new house:

Bathroom (and a shot of my growing belly!)

Part of me and Dad's bedroom (it's huge compared to our old one!)

Our big closets (Is it obvious which one is mine?)

Upstairs stairway. The dogs love racing up and down the stairs :)

Part of the dining room (needs some paint to liven it up...and a real table!)

Some of the little kitchen

Part of the living room. I'm really excited for the deck!

Some more of the living room

I didn't take any pictures of the basement, because it's pretty much just your standard big, unfinished basement with a washer and dryer. Or of the garage, because it's, well just a garage :).

I am so excited to start working on your room next month--I'm sure I will put up tons of pictures of that process once we get started!

We love you so much!

Mom

23 Weeks!

Hi Stevie,
We spent this weekend in Chicago for my old college roommate, Irene's wedding. Dad and I drove down with Marissa and her husband Jon and had a great time! It was so great to see all my best girlfriends; they are all SO excited to meet you this August! You're going to love them all!

You are turning out to be one very active little girl! Since I started feeling you kicking last week, it's only gotten more frequent and more intense--I love it! You usually start dancing around whenever I lay down (especially at night) or right after I eat something (especially something nice and spicy). I can't believe how strong you're getting! Dad loves feeling you move around too. He's always poking and prodding at my belly, trying to get you to wake up :).

Here are a few pictures of this weekend for you:

The girls in windy Chicago. Emily, Nora, Jaime, Lisa, Lisa (Myrmel), Claire, Jenny, Me, and Marissa

Dad and I (and you!)

You and I with the beautiful bride!

23 weeks

I can't believe you're going to be here in less than 4 months! Time is just flying by. I get more and more excited for August everyday. Love you so much already!

Mom

Little Kicker!

Hey Stevie,
I've been feeling little "flutters" for a few weeks, but tonight you were kicking me so hard that I could see my belly literally move with each of them. So cool! Dad was even able to feel you! He refers to it as you "pedaling"--he's convinced you're just getting ready to go on bike rides with him :)

We love you so much!

Mom

22 Weeks!

Hi Stevie,
Happy 22 weeks baby girl!

22 week belly shot. Up 13 pounds!

It's getting harder to harder to hide that bump! And please ignore the messy room :)

Only 4 months to go!

We had absolutely perfect weather this weekend. 70 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. I am feeling great and enjoying every second of this wonderful early spring! This weekend was full of baby and thrift store shopping, Dairy Queen, grilling out, tank tops and shorts, long walks with the girls, soaking up the sun, packing, cleaning, and more packing.

We're moving in about 2 weeks to a bigger, nicer townhouse 1.5 miles from where we live right now. I can't wait! Packing sucks, but it feels really awesome to go through all the stuff we have, get rid of things we don't need, and organize the things we do. The one thing I do love about moving is the "fresh start" feeling that comes with a new place. More on the new house later...for now here are a few pictures of your 22nd weekend! :)

Thifty mama: sweet deals for you at the thrift store

There's nothing like meat and veggies (and fruit-that's pineapple! ) right off the grill

Keep growing baby! We are getting so excited to meet you!

Love,
Mom

Registry Fun

Hi Stevie,
Tonight Dad and I did some more registering at Babies R Us (my mom and I started last weekend). It's fun--you get the satisfaction of shopping without actually buying anything! :)

Seeing all the things you'll need is a bit overwhelming, but I keep reminding myself that it's all just "stuff"; you're not going to care whether or not your swing or pack and play costs $150 new at the store, or $10 at a garage sale. Someone told me, "all a baby really needs is a pair of boobs, a car seat, diapers, and a safe place to sleep. Everything else is nice, but those are the essentials." So while all the baby stuff is definitely fun, I am trying my hardest not to get too caught up in it all.

Diapers. We registered for lots of these!

Dad's turn with the scanner

Look! I found a swimsuit with a built-in inner tube for you--just like the one my mom made me wear! :)

Love you lots baby girl!

Mom

Ps. I've discovered you really like spicy food, just like me. Dad made guacamole with a ton of habanero hot peppers this week and immediately after I ate a bunch, you started moving around like crazy!

Happy Easter!

Dear Stevie,

Happy Easter, and happy 21 weeks!

Your first Easter was a great one. This whole weekend was full of family, food, fun, sunshine, and of course lots and lots of candy! Hope you've been enjoying all the sugar I've been sending down your way the last couple days! :)

Easter is all about hope, fresh starts, and new life--and I couldn't help but keep thinking about you all day and how you are really bringing all these things into our lives. A brand new chapter in our lives is about to begin, and I am so incredibly excited to see where it takes us.

I'm exhausted, so I'll just let the pictures of this weekend speak for themselves.

Watching Dad's cousin Jeff fly kites in the backyard

Auntie Katie with her amazingly adorable sunflower cupcakes (you are going to have the coolest birthday cakes thanks to her!)

Check out those awesome lady bugs...your mama made those!

Look at that belly popping out!

Dad enjoying the perfect spring weather (I hope you get those freckles!)

You're already so loved...and so spoiled! Easter presents from the Cooks

You're already getting mail! Aunt Jaime's mom sent you the cutest handmade blanket...so sweet!

21 weeks today (after a great Easter meal with Grandma and Grandpa Ziemke, Uncle Brandon, and my Aunt Jan and Uncle Scott)

You and I are both growing like crazy these days!

I'm already swelling up...check out how tight my ring has gotten. I'm a bit scared for July!

We love you so much baby!

Mom