Elliot wants OUT! (video)

Dear Elliot,
One thing I am really going to miss about being pregnant is watching you stretch my belly around. Here's a little video I took this morning. It's crappy quality, but you can still kinda see what I'm talking about :) Almost feels like you are trying to escape. Soon enough!

Love you,
Mom

Getting closer...

Dear Elliot,
I can't believe I'll be 36 weeks pregnant in two days! I've been keeping busy with doctor's appointments twice a week and trying to get the house baby-ready for you. I've also been trying to get my body baby-ready (or I guess delivery-ready). I've been doing a lot of walking and trying to be active and I think it's working--as of Friday I was starting to dialate! I was only at 1cm, and I know that can mean absolutely nothing, but its encouraging to know that my body is beginning to at least think about getting you out :)

Here's a quick picture of the belly at 35w4d:

I am at the point where I feel noticeable bigger almost every morning. I am also just generally uncomfortable all the time. Like the only way I feel okay is laying on my side or standing or walking (but not for too long or I get all crampy!) Your movements are pretty intense these days too. You seem to really enjoy pushing your feet into my ribs--to the point where I actually think a couple of them might be bruised! I'll take it though!

I can't believe we only have a few weeks left. I'm both really anxious to have you in my arms, and a little bit sad to see our special time together coming to an end. Mostly the first part though :)

Alright, Baby Boy. I love you more than words can say. Keep growing for just a little while longer!

XOXO,
Mom

Maternity Pics!

Dear Elliot,
On Sunday my friend Mandy came over and took some maternity pictures for us. She did an awesome job! Here are some of my favorites:

You have no idea how excited I am to start taking and posting pictures of you on the outside, Elliot! 

Love you so much,

Mom

34 week update

Dear Elliot,
I'll be honest. As we get closer and closer to the end here, I'm having a pretty tough time. I was doing really well, feeling (mostly) positive. But my nerves have been getting the best of me the last few days or so. It's so hard knowing that at just under six pounds now(!), you'd probably be just fine if you were born today. Again, not like I actually want you to be born prematurely, but I keep thinking 'what if' you'd be safer on the outside.

I have gone back and forth about the whole planned induction thing. On the one hand, I just want you out and in my arms as soon as possible. Then there's the part of me that really, really wants to have a natural delivery. And I know that the odds of that being possible go down whenever you add Pitocin (the medication they use to cause your uterus to contract) to the mix.

I understand a lot of people don't understand the desire to go through labor and delivery without pain medication, and that's fine, but it's something that is very important to me. One of the main reasons is that I want my birthing experience with you to be vastly different than my birthing experience with Stevie. I had an epidural with her, and while I don't regret having one, I hated how it made me feel so helpless. I remember already feeling so broken, and then being confined to this hospital bed, with a cathader and all these IVs running through my arms, not even able to go to the bathroom by myself...I just felt even more broken down and useless. I just really want my experience with you to be empowering, healing, different.

So anyway, I'm scared of being induced before my body is ready, only to have a long, extra difficult labor, and maybe even end up being forced into a C-section in the end. I had a really good conversation with my doctor about this yesterday and here's what we decided:

She won't induce before 39 weeks. I'll be switching over to twice-daily Heparin when I finish the Lovenox at 36 weeks (Heparin, also a blood thinner, has a half-life of 12 hours vs. 24 hours, so if I were to go into labor on my own after 36 weeks, it would likely be out of my system by the time I delivered). I'll continue to have weekly doppler flow studies, and NSTs/BPPs. Then IF at 39 weeks my cervix is 'favorable' (ie: dialated to at least a 3), and I'm showing other signs of being 'close,' we will induce. My doctor thinks that if my body is almost ready on its own, an induction is much more likely to work, and I'll be much more likely to still have the birthing experience I am hoping for.

So I am hoping I can get this cervix of mine in a 'favorable' position in the next few weeks. By Friday, March 23rd, to be exact :) I feel good about this plan. Of course, I could always end up going into labor on my own before 39 weeks, but I kind of doubt that's going to happen. You have been measuring pretty far ahead of the curve all along though, so I guess you never know!

In other news, our last couple ultrasounds showed you already have a head full of hair! I had no idea they could even tell that from an ultrasound, but it was pretty cool to see. You must have gotten that hair from me, because I'm pretty sure your dad was bald at birth :)

Yesterday during the ultrasound, as the tech was doing measurements, she said, "so...does Andy have a pretty big head?" Well, it appears you may not have gotten Dad's hair, but you got his huge head (measuring around 38 weeks at 34 weeks--yikes!) Must mean you're going to be extra smart, right? Ha.

Well I guess that's it for now. My friend Mandy is taking maternity photos for us tomorrow morning so I need to get on Pinterest and start collecting ideas!

Keep growing baby boy. To say I'm excited to meet you would be the biggest understatement of all time!

Love,
Mom

On the Line

Dear Elliot,
After Stevie died, I swore that if I was ever pregnant again, I would do things differently. I wouldn't get my hopes up. I wouldn't assume being pregnant meant I'd be bringing home a baby. I wouldn't talk about my pregnancy all the time, take stupid belly pictures, or buy all that baby stuff. I wouldn't lay my heart out there on the line, only to be hurt and humiliated once again.

Well Baby, I failed. My hopes are up. My heart is laid out for everyone to see. I guess I just don't know how to do it any other way.

I've got the weekly belly pictures all over facebook, the nursery painted, organized, and almost ready to go. I've taken birthing classes, have a birth plan all typed up, a 'delivery outfit' (consisting of an old sports bra and stretchy skirt--don't worry, I didn't buy one of those fancy gowns or anything!) picked out. I have a freaking highchair set up in my kitchen. I have one of your ultrasound pictures as my iPhone background, for goodness sake.

I'm sure some people look at me and think I'm the dumbest girl ever. I should know better than anyone else that pregnancy doesn't always equal baby. But despite the fear (and believe me, there is definitely a lot of fear!), you've managed to wrap me around your little finger, just like your sister did, and I just can't help but need to share that overwhelming love I have for you with the world.

Here I am again, believing with all my heart that I'm about to have a baby; one that I get to keep. I just hope that this time, I'm right.

I love you, little Valentine.

XOXO,
Mom

33 weeks!

Dear Elliot,
We had your 33-week ultrasound and NST yesterday and you scored another perfect 10/10. Way to go, Son! Maybe you are already a little overachiever like your mama? :) We didn't get any pictures this time, but it is definitely looking like you are running out of room in there! Here's a view from the outside:

I feel like I can finally say we are in the 'home stretch.' About 6 weeks left, give or take. I get to stop taking the Lovenox injections at 36 weeks, so when these last few boxes of shots are gone, that's it! The countdown has begun!

Of course doing these shots has been totally, totally worth every bruise, but they are becoming quite painful as I run out of skin around my belly to stick the needles into!

Want to know another painful thing I've been dealing with lately? Acid reflux. OH my GOSH, I have never had heartburn or reflux before and I seriously thought I was going to die when it started up last week. It didn't matter what I ate, everything made me miserable. I think it's finally under control for now, thanks to Zantac (I know, I know, medicine while pregnant is bad, but my doctor told me to take it!), and baking soda. You know you're pregnant when the only 'shot' you take before bed consists of baking soda and water in a Las Vegas shot glass. Bottoms up!

Well, time for lunch and a bath. Keep on cookin' baby! I love you so much.

XOXO,
Mom

PS. Thanks to a super creepy anonymous commenter (if you're reading this, please go away!), I am going to be getting rid of the anonymous comments feature on this blog. Just a head's up that you'll have to have a blogger/google account from now on to comment. Sorry!

PPS. a HUGE thank you to everyone who has emailed me a picture/message for Elliot's 'Who Loves Baby' book that I am making. I have been meaning to respond to each email, but have fallen way behind. But seriously, this is going to be so awesome! There are still a few weeks left to be included if you want to be; here's the link to the original post. Thanks again!

Week 32

Dear Elliot,
Has it really been eight months already?? Okay, I guess it is starting to feel like I've been pregnant forever, but when we hit 32 weeks last week, and I realized that meant eight months in preggo speak, I almost couldn't believe it!

The belly at 32w3d

My goal is to be pretty much done and ready with your room and all the 'stuff' we need by 36 weeks so I can really just focus on preparing for delivery. We are really getting close, and it feels awesome. Picking things up along the way whenever I'd see a good deal really helped, and now that I've had a shower, we really have almost everything we need. 

We even made a couple big cloth diaper purchases this weekend. After much debate, I had decided on the Flip system (by Bum Genius), and on Friday night a place online was having a sale/buy one get one free deal on Flip covers. We got eight covers for like $50, plus free shipping! Then when we went to buy the inserts that go in them at the natural baby care store by our house, Grovia covers were also buy one get one free, so we got a couple of those to try too! My plan is to use regular disposable diapers for the first few weeks, until you are big enough to wear the cloth covers (they say they fit 7-35 pounds but I've heard they aren't great for newborns). I also don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to figure out cloth diapering while I'm first adjusting to life with a new baby. So anyway, we've also been slowly stocking up on disposable diapers, and I didn't realize how expensive they are. I really think we are going to save a lot of money going the cloth route! Plus, baby butts in cloth diapers are just so cute :)

Moving on...

You had your first BPP/NST on Friday and passed with flying colors. One of the things they check for during the ultrasound part is practice breathing. It was pretty cool to watch your little diaphragm moving up and down, up and down, getting ready to take that first breath on the outside. We also got another little peak at your adorable face:

The NST part of the monitoring was kind of fun too. Basically, I just sat in a big leather recliner with monitors strapped on my belly and listened to your heartbeat for about 20-30 minutes. The monitors record heart rate decelerations and accelerations as you move around. I didn't get to look at the print-out too closely, but my doctor assured me it looked great.

Last night was a bad one, the kind where I was up all night worrying that you weren't moving enough. After I ate some yogurt and drank a big cold glass of milk this morning, you assured me you were okay with some crazy rolls and kicks on the side. I cried I was so relieved. Here's a crappy cell phone video of a couple of them:

Alright, Little E. I can't wait to see you again on Thursday!

Love you,

Mom

Chubby cheeks

Dear Elliot,
We had another great ultrasound today. Not only did we find out you are weighing in at an estimated 4.5 pounds, are still head down (yay!), and have fantastic cord blood flow (even bigger yay!), it was also confirmed that you have inherited your mama's big fat cheeks!

Yes I may be a bit biased, but I am pretty sure you are the cutest baby boy I have ever seen. I can't wait to kiss those perfect chubby cheeks next month!

I love you more than words can say.

Always,
Mom

Showered!

Dear Elliot,
On Saturday you were showered with so many awesome gifts and best of all, so much love. Your Grandma Cook (Dad's mom) did such an amazing job making your special day just perfect. I feel so blessed!

Here are a few pictures from the party:

Your awesome cupcake tree! I love how she incorporated trees into the day :)

The 'Price is Right' tree (we all had to guess the prices on the baby items hanging from it)

Tree centerpieces with legos (the very legos Dad used to play with!)

Grandma leading one of the games

Me and your Auntie Jaime (and your cousin, too!)

Me and your other Grandma (I seriously HATE this picture of myself; I look like a giant puff ball!)

After the shower, Dad and I had a great time (okay, let's be honest, it was probably more fun for me than for him!) putting together and looking through all of your new things:

Here are just a couple of my favorite things (not including a lot of the great practical things we got, because really, who wants to see pictures of a thermometer, a humidifier, or a package of bibs? Ha!):

The beautiful quilt made especially for you by your Auntie Rachel. I LOVE it!

The 'snugabunny' bouncer. I just think those bunny ears are so freaking cute!

Everything you could possibly need for bath time, from Grandma (my mom)

The sweetest deerskin moccasins, also from Grandma. These were actually mine when I was a baby!

Thank goodness we have the girls to give everything a test-run before you get here :)

Since this is pretty much just going to be a picture post, I'll throw in a couple of 31.5 week belly shots too:

I start my twice-weekly doctors appointments this week--one at the perinatal clinic and one at my regular OB's office. I am so looking forward to seeing you on both Thursday and Friday. Maybe we'll even (finally!) get another peak at your face!

I love you, baby!

XOXO,

Mom

First

Dear Stevie,
Sometimes I feel so guilty for writing to your little brother so much more than to you these days. I am really focused on making it through this pregnancy and preparing for his arrival, but that doesn't mean you haven't been on my mind. Far from it. If anything, being pregnant again makes me miss you even more.

It's also been really hard dealing with all the questions and assumptions about Elliot being our 'first.' They are just constant lately. From strangers, from well-intentioned friends and family members who make comments about him being the 'first grandchild,' or how much my life is going to change 'once I become a mom.' I'm not saying I am angry about any of these questions or comments (I know most people just don't think about it the way I do), but they hurt. They hurt because even though Elliot will (hopefully) be the first baby I get to watch grow up, he isn't my first baby. He won't be the first grandchild, or even the baby that makes me a mother. You are. And you always will be.

I was having a hard morning the other day and decided to read through all the messages and letters people sent after you died. This one from my amazing friend and old college roomie, Lisa, pretty much reduced me to a puddle of tears:

"Lil Stevie,
It’s been hard for me to think of what to say to you…I really loved you so much. I’ll never forget the day I had to pinch to stop the pee so I could run out and hear the yelps of the news that WE were having a baby! Yes, that’s right, from the very first day I have claimed you ; ) Your mom was our first bride, she got our first puppies, and then she gave us something even more—you, she became our first mom..."


Nothing touches my heart more than when someone else remembers that you came before; that you were the first. I hope people haven't forgotten that. I can promise you I never will, baby girl.


I miss you every day.


Love,
Mom

Who Loves Elliot?

Dear Readers, Friends, and Family,
I have an idea that I would love your help with.

When I was pregnant with Stevie, someone (I think it was my mom, but I'm not totally sure) gave us a little book called 'Who Loves Baby?' The book has 4-6 clear pockets that you can put pictures into, so that you can look through the book with your baby and tell them all about the people that love him/her. I thought (and still think!) it's such a cute idea. But here's the problem: there aren't nearly enough pages!

I decided I would put in pictures of Elliot's immediate family in that book, but then I got to thinking about all the other people out there that already 'love baby,' that love him. There are our extended family members, our friends, and because of his big sister, so many 'online friends' that I have gotten to know and love over the last couple years. I can't wait to tell my little boy about how loved he is. I want him to know it, to feel it deep down, and to never question it.

So here's my idea. I want to gather as many little 'love notes' for Elliot as I can, along with pictures of the people out there that love him, and turn them all into a bigger 'Who Loves Baby?' book for him to look through when he's a baby, and read to him when he's a bit older. Wouldn't that just be the most awesome book ever?

So I am asking anyone reading this, anyone who loves my baby boy, to consider taking a few minutes to write a little note to Elliot, and sending me a picture of you/your family, and the state/country you live in to include in this project. It doesn't matter if we're close friends, or if you've followed our story silently up until now. And your message doesn't need to be long, or anything profound; simple is great! I can't tell you how much I would appreciate it!

If you're up to it, you can email me your note and picture to Kristin.cook23@gmail.com, with 'Who Loves Elliot' in the subject line. I am hoping to get this project done before he's born (because I know its less likely to happen when I'm busy with a newborn!), so if you could try to send them before February 28th, that would be awesome.

Thank you all so, so much for your help! It brings me to tears just thinking about how cool this could turn out and all the love out there for both of my babies :)

Love,
Kristin

Top 10

Dear Elliot,
Instead of the usual boring weekly update, I thought I'd write up a quick list--my top 10 favorite things of this last week. So here we go!

1. The Snoogle. When my total lack of sleeping at night finally got to the point where I just couldn't function last weekend, I decided I was just going to have to suck it up and spend the ridiculous $64.95 on this pregnancy pillow everyone was raving about. But before heading to Babies R Us, I decided to check Craigslist, and sure enough, someone was selling the pillow, used once and still in the package, for $30! This may be the best 30 bucks I have ever spent in my life. Waking up feeling sort of awake and dare I say... refreshed?? What a strange and wonderful concept!

Okay so it takes up half the bed--totally worth it!

Doubles as the perfect dog bed :)

They have no clue this thing wasn't purchased especially for them

2. Queen Helene Cocoa Butter Creme. Oddly enough, I have my dad and his butt to thank for this amazing discovery (this might be one of the weirder sentences I've ever typed!). My Dad is super into biking, and he was told that this lotion is the best stuff out there for soothing the chafed butt you get from riding around on a hard bike seat all day. Anyway, turns out it also works amazingly well for soothing stretched out and itchy pregnant bellies. It's a mixture of cocoa butter and pure lanolin (the stuff nipple cream is made out of), and it just feels so, so nice on your skin. And the best part? A big tub of it only costs like $4! I did have to break my vows and go to Walmart to buy it (they didn't have it at Target), but it was totally worth it. It seems like anytime they can slap the word 'pregnancy' onto a product, it all of a sudden costs like six times as much, but I have used the 'pregnancy' and 'stretch mark creams' and they don't compare to the Queen! 

3. Getting organized. Dad and I spent a good chunk of this weekend organizing our living room and basement. My big project (because I could work on it basically sitting down!) was to figure out what to do with all our DVDs. We have a lot of movies, and somehow, they have managed to creep into every nook and cranny of our house. Seriously, we had DVD cases (and discs with no cases) coming out of our ears! So I gathered them all together and turned this big, messy pile...

...into this super compact little cubby:

We got rid of all the cases (some tossed, some put down in the basement on storage shelves), organized them by genre, and completely filled up this 362-disc case. The movies we never watch, we packed up and put in storage, to either sell (if we ever have a garage sale), or donate eventually.

Dad also organized his ever-growing record collection that was all over the floor, and I am super happy with how much less cluttered the entertainment area looks in general:

We still want to get rid of that tall bookshelf and do something different with the books, but at least its clean for now :)

4. Baths (not pictured). This one is pretty self-explanatory, but I've gotten into the habit of taking a nice warm bubble bath everyday (sometimes twice a day!), and it has been doing wonders for my achey body. I know my days of having this luxury are numbered, so I am soaking it up (yep, pun intended) while I still can!

5. Hard-boiled eggs. In my Hypnobabies classes, we've been talking a lot about nutrition, and specifically the importance of protein during pregnancy; we even had to track our protein intake in a daily nutrition log for awhile. Anyway, one suggestion for getting more protein was to eat more eggs, but during pregnancy, I can't stand them! Then I remembered how much I love hard-boiled eggs around Easter time, and decided to give that a try. YUM! I've been eating two of them every morning with breakfast. So good for you, and so cheap!

6. Finding a Doula (not pictured). I met with the most amazing Doula last week (for almost three hours!), and I am so, so excited that she will be supporting me (and Dad) during your birth. She lost a son in the second trimester herself, and her passion is working with women who have had past pregnancy losses and other traumatic experiences. We just clicked really well. I am really set on wanting a natural birth, and I think having this type of support will make it more likely to happen. For so long your birth has seemed like such a distant, almost abstract thing. It feels both really, really good to begin thinking and talking about it more. This is really going to happen!

7. Bras that fit. I have been shoving my poor girls into bras that are way too small for quite some time, and I figured I should probably start stocking up on some nursing bras since I will need those once you get here anyway. So Dad and I went to the Mall of America, where they have this huge new maternity store called Destination Maternity. From what I can tell, its like a mix of Motherhood Maternity, Pea in a Pod, and a couple other stores, all rolled into one. They had a 'nursing event' going on, where their bras were on sale and buy three get one free. Normal stores like Target or Kohls don't carry my size, so this seemed like my best bet. Anyway, after getting measured by a sweet young girl who had absolutely no idea what she was doing (she told me I was a 34C...yeah, I was busting out of my DD bra at that very moment!), I was able to find four comfy nursing bras that actually fit. I feel like I can finally breathe again! 

8. Your kung foo skills (not pictured, unfortunately!) In the last week or so, your movements have gotten so much more intense. Whenever I'm laying down, you like to stretch your legs and poke your feet super hard into my side. Each time you do this, you can literally see my skin just bulging out of place. It's the weirdest, coolest, most hard to explain feeling in the world. The other night you let your Dad feel it for awhile and it was one of the happiest 10 minutes of my life. He was just in awe and was like, 'holy crap! Kid's trying to escape!' 

9. Craigslist. So not only did I get the Snoogle pillow for a great deal on Craigslist, we also scored an Arms Reach Co-sleeper this weekend (in great condition for $50 instead of $150 retail!). I've always loved Craigslist (seriously, our computers, cameras, half our furniture, and even one of our dogs is from CL), but it is just the best for baby stuff. 

The Arms Reach is basically a basinet that attaches to our bed so I can feed you (and keep an eye on you!) much easier at night for the first few months

10. Things to look forward to. One of the things that has kept me sane during this pregnancy (so far) is having little milestones to look forward to every week or so. It was way too overwhelming to think as far ahead as delivery, or even the third trimester early on, so I'd just focus on making it to the next 'big thing,' whether that was my next ultrasound, the start of a new trimester, etc. Well all of a sudden, I have a lot of 'big things' to look forward to. My Cook family baby shower is this weekend, which for so long felt like something I would never make it to. Then next week, when I am 32 weeks, I start weekly NSTs (non stress tests) and BPPs (biophysical profiles) at my OBs office, along with weekly Doppler Flow Studies (to monitor cord blood flow) at the Perinatal clinic. So many times my doctor has said, once you get to 32 weeks...' and now that point is almost here. Then it's just five more weeks until I hit fullterm, and then, then it's the moment I've been waiting for all my life, really: delivery. It's all so exciting, scary, amazing, and overwhelming, all rolled into one. 

Keep on growing, baby boy. I love you, I love you, I love you.

XOXO,

Mom

30 weeks!

Dear Elliot,
No time for a proper update (we're using this free weekend to cross as many things off the 'getting ready for baby' list as possible!), but wanted to pop in quick and say happy 30 weeks, baby boy! I can't believe we've made it to the 30's!

30w2d

You are becoming so much more responsive (to touch, sound, etc), and I love it. I can't wait to finally see and touch those little feet and hands on the outside. 

All my love,

Mom

week 29

Dear Elliot,
Saturday was Dad's cousin Jeff's wedding. It was a lot of fun seeing the whole Cook side of the family all weekend (most of them came all the way up from Colorado for the festivities). It was also fun to have a couple reasons to wear something other than sweat pants and a sports bra! Seriously, I have like 3-4 actual maternity 'outfits' that I wear when I need to look nice, but 99% of the time, I live in sweats. If I'm running to Target or the mall or something, I'll usually put on my 'good' pair of yoga pants, but even wearing jeans is a pretty big deal for me these days. So yeah, it felt kind of good to get dressed up a bit and show off the baby bump.

 Dress from (the dreaded) Motherhood Maternity

 Non-maternity dress that I had bought before I was even pregnant. Looks way cuter with a bump than without!

I thought I was buying grey maternity tights...turns out they are actually sorta green, oh well!

Best picture of me of all time (Dad was going a bit overboard with the pictures!)

Friday night was the wedding rehearsal dinner at an awesome Thai place in Northeast Minneapolis, where I ate thai basil stir fry, chicken fried rice, and pad thai until I literally couldn't fit another bite in my stomach. It was awesome. 

The actual wedding on Saturday was absolutely beautiful. Jeff and Krista planned a January wedding because they wanted to have a snow/winter wonderland kind of feel to the evening. Well, for the first time I can remember, we've had no practically no snow in Minnesota (it was even over 50 degrees last Monday!). Everyone was crossing their fingers that somehow they would get their white wedding, and sure enough, it finally started snowing that afternoon!

Dad and I enjoying the fresh snowfall before the ceremony

The ceremony was a bit cold, but so, so pretty. 

The reception was much warmer, but equally as beautiful.

I spent most of the dance watching from the table, but you certainly seemed to enjoy the music and were having your very own private dance party in my belly the whole time. Loved it.

Yesterday afternoon while I met up with some friends for coffee (well, tea for me), Dad put wrapped up the weekend perfectly by finding a bunch of records at the thrift store just for you:

We LOVE the Muppets, so I was incredibly excited that he found not one, but four records for us to play for you. And the Raffi record is super funny because I was literally just telling Dad on Friday how we needed to get you some old Raffi records. How crazy/random that he found one for $.50 two days later!

I can't believe I am almost 30 weeks along. I am definitely feeling mega-pregnant these days! Hurry up and get here, March; we can't wait to meet this kid!

Love you, baby.

XOXO,

Mom

PS. Thanks for all the support on my last post. It always helps to just get those crazy thoughts out somewhere.