The rain

Dear Stevie,
I've felt like a good cry has been just waiting to happen for awhile now. I've been so focused on the new baby, and trying to stay positive, and scrambling around, trying to figure out the whole work/money/insurance situation, that I knew it was only a matter of time until I broke down.

Today, it finally happened.

First, it was this dumb commercial that played in the middle of the Castle episode I was watching online (in between looking for work, of course!). It was one of those "having a baby changes everything" ads, with an adorable toddler laughing and playing with his dad. My first thought was to rub my belly and think "aww, I can't wait to watch little E play with his/her daddy like that." Then, seconds later, I realized what had just happened. I had just watched a stupid baby commercial and not thought about you, and how you should be doing those cute baby things, for probably the first time ever.

I felt this strange mix of happiness, excitement, sadness, and guilt. And fear. Lots of fear.

Not just the fear of losing another baby, the fear of losing you. All over again.

For the last 17 months, a lot of my life has been centered around you. Grieving, healing, working in the babyloss community. Now that this pregnancy is really starting to sick in and feel a bit more real, I'm afraid that the closer I get to meeting little E, the further away I'll get from you. It absolutely terrifies me.

Then, it started to rain outside. Really hard.

And then, the tears finally came.

We've had such nice and sunny and perfect weather lately; it's like I couldn't be sad when it was so beautiful outside. It's like the rain gave me permission to let it all out. The fear, the sadness, the guilt, the worry. Everything I've been trying to hold inside.

I just rolled over in bed and cried.

The kind of loud, uncontrollable crying, where the dogs cocked their little heads in concern and crawled under the covers with me, as if to let me know they cared.

I listened to the rain fall hard against my window and splatter onto the deck below my bedroom, and cried tears of sadness for the little girl I miss, tears of joy for the little baby fluttering away in my belly, and tears of confusion as I tried to figure out just how I was going to mother them both.

And it felt wonderful.

I wiped my eyes, got up, grabbed my camera (and the dogs), and walked out the front door. Wearing nothing more than sweatpants, a white tank top, and my bare feet, I walked around snapping pictures of the falling rain and watched my dogs blissfully run through piles of wet leaves.

I don't know what it is about the rain, but it has me feeling so much better. Refreshed.

I miss you, Stevie. The intensity comes and goes, but the hole in my heart is always there. It always will be.

Love,
Mom