18 months, 20 weeks

Dear Stevie,
Today marks 18 months since you've been gone, sweet girl. A year and a half. 547 days. Wow, where has the time gone? A year ago today, I wrote this:

If anything, the last 182 days have taught me what its like to really feel. Happiness, sadness, anger, jealously, guilt, hope, strength, weakness, peace, bitterness, vulnerability, empathy, excitement, confusion, clarity, apathy, passion, sorrow, joy, hate, love. I've experienced them all, sometimes at the same time.
 
The painful emotions cut deeper than they ever have before, but you know what? The emotions on the other side of the spectrum--things like passion, strength, love--I feel them with such intensity now. It's like my capacity for feeling has expanded 10-fold. When I'm sad, I'm sadder than I knew was possible 182 days ago. But when I love, boy do I love so much deeper. 


I feel exactly the same way today. Not only was today your 18-month 'birthday,' it was the day of our 20-week ultrasound at the Perinatal clinic. A chance to see your little brother again. Bittersweet for sure.


Even as I was missing my little girl this morning, I was falling even more in love with my little boy. I was sad that you aren't here, yet so happy to be experiencing the joy of growing new life inside me. Because I know what it's like to hear bad news in the ultrasound room, when it's good news, it sounds so much sweeter. I truly believe because of you, I appreciate this whole experience on such a deeper level. 


I was a nervous wreck (as always) going into the ultrasound this morning. Since this one was at the high risk office, I had an ultrasound tech I had never met before. I was worried she wasn't going to talk me through everything she was doing, and I would be on pins and needles the whole time, but she ended up being really great. Everything continues to look really, really good. E is measuring right on track, has a perfect looking heart (and other organs!), and was moving around all over the place. It was so cool to be able to see him kicking on the screen and feel it at the same time. 

Your baby brother totally has your nose :)

Big feet just like Dad

After the ultrasound tech finished doing all the measurements, a doctor came in to check things out. He was super funny. He kept referring to E as "the kid," and told us everything looked "beautiful." He showed us a super creepy view of E's facial skeleton, where his mouth was half-open and you could see one eye socket really clearly, and we all laughed at loud:

I have a similar picture from your ultrasound where we decided you looked just like the evil queen from Snow White :)

After the ultrasound Dad and I celebrated with lunch at Ruby Tuesday (I had a major craving for a salad bar!), and a little Starbucks drive through (caramel apple cider for me, yummmm):

Today is a happy day, but it would be so much happier if you were here for it. I miss you, and I love you so much. Thank you for coming into my world 18 months ago and for changing me forever.

Always,

Mom