Day 2

Dear Stevie,
Hi baby girl. Here's a little recap of day 2 of my 30 days of doing good, in honor of your first birthday coming up on May 8th.

Day 2: Saturday, April 9th, 2011
Dad was working his part-time job at the bike shop all day, so after waking up early and watching all three hours and 47 minutes of Gone with the Wind (I had never seen the whole thing before, so good!), I decided to spend the rest of the day in the kitchen. That's right--this strange and totally unfamiliar urge to bake just won't seem to go away! I dug around our cupboards and paged through our stack of cookbooks until I found a few recipes that worked with the random ingredients we had around the house: sour cream and pineapple muffins, banana bread with cranberries and cashews, and regular old brownies.

At first I had this great idea that I was going to bring over these baked goods to our neighbors. However, I decided that our neighbors, who we don't really know, like at all, would actually probably find that really creepy and kind of weird. So instead, I wrapped them up and dropped them off at a couple of my friends' houses. It was really fun. Not to mention MUCH better for your dad and I not to have all those deserts tempting us at the house! :)

Here are a few pics:

Dad helping wrap everything up. I included this picture because I wanted to show off this ridiculously gigantic roll of saran wrap we have. We've literally this same roll for over 3 years!

 

From my BFF Jersa, Minnesota:

My amazing friend Jersa, who I have been friends with since middle school, has been making these adorable flower hair clips for her friends in honor of your birthday. She calls her project "random/spontaneous acts of kindness flowers!" :)

From Michele, Pennsylvania:

I did my 2nd thing for Stevie! (I'd only planned on doing one, but then this one fell in my lap, and I thought she'd smile.) A fellow cantor came down ill and asked me to sub for her, last minute. Even though I had other plans (to go to church at the Shrine instead of our parish), I said okay. This meant that I was too busy to do my long run... But I didnt care! I thought, "this is for Stevie" and I said yes. So, there you go! 2 nice things in 2 days! :)

From Deanna, California:

I have been so touched by your 30 Days of Doing Good in Stevie's honor! I don't think I had time on the 8th...I read your post too late so I knew I wanted to make up for it the next day ;) On the 9th, I tried to do as many things as possible while out running errands. ;) Nothing huge, things like waving the person on next to me as we both go to pull out of our parking spots at the same time, picked up someone's trash that blew away while eating outside at Panera Bread (do you have those there...AMAZING!), holding the door for a bunch of people (and with the stroller too...I got a lot of "wow, thanks!") I really hope that last one catches on. ;)

On the 10th, I had to run into to grab a gallon of milk...was the only thing I needed and wondered how I was going to get away with my plan (to let someone with fewer groceries go ahead of me) hehe. So I grabbed some skittles (S for Stevie ...of course) ;) and some starbursts (another S...thanks Stevie for justifying my sugary candy fast!) ;) and got into the 10 items or less in hopes someone would come behind me with only 1 item. And just for good measure I grabbed a packet of gum (Stride) ;) and (this is where I broke the "S" rule...but I think Stevie understood) grabbed a People magazine. A young teenaged girl came behind me and grabbed the same People magazine. SCORE! I kindly told her she should go ahead of me, I have a lot (hehe). Her whole face lit up...which says a lot for the typical teenage grimace, I'm used to seeing. ;) I am excited to continue to do things in Stevie's honor. You are a huge, huge inspiration to me. I absolutely adore you and Stevie!

Thank you SO much to everyone who has done something "good" in Stevie's name so far! You have no idea how much your support means to me. 

Love,

Kristin

Day 1

Dear Stevie,
I'm only two days in to my little '30 days of doing good' challenge, in honor of your first birthday next month, and I'm already having so much fun! Here's a little recap of day one.

Day 1: Friday, April 8th
I had planned on doing something big and exciting to kick-off the month, but life got in the way and it ended up being pretty low-key.

There were a couple movies Dad and I really wanted to see that weren't streaming on Netflix yet, so we decided to head over to the grocery store and see if Redbox had them. Side note that has nothing to do with the rest of this post: I HATE Redbox with a passion. For responsible people who are able to remember things like returning movies, I'm sure it's a great system. But for us, the seemingly cheap $1 per night rental fee always turns into about $70. Literally. I don't even want to take a guess at how much money we've given to Redbox over the last few years. Once you pass a certain lateness, it's pointless to return the movie at all, so we now have a crapload of Redbox movies in our home DVD collection. And of course, they are all the super horrible movies we've rented, never ones we'd actually want to own. 'Grizzly Park,' '17 Again,' 'New In Town,' and 'Doll Graveyard' are some of the titles we can watch now over and over again to our hearts' content whenever we please. Awesome.

Anyway, before leaving for the dreaded Redbox, I decided to google some promo codes for free rentals. I figured even if we ended up never returning the movies we got, at least it would only cost us $69 per movie instead of the usual $70. I found some codes and off we went.

Another side note: The other thing that really sucks about Redbox is that there is always a huge line. People like to casually peruse the Redbox like they would a Blockbuster store, clicking on every single title available to read the synopsis, adding and deleting choices from their cart, calling their boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate/mom to get their opinion on each movie choice, and just generally taking FOREVER to make up their freaking minds. Then finally, when you've made it to the front of the line and it's your turn at the Box, the stress and panic sets in as you feel the impatient looks and long exasperated breaths of the crowd behind you, slowly closing in on you as you desperately click 'next screen' over and over again, looking for that one film that calls your name.

Friday night was no exception, and there were about a million people in line when we arrived at the Redbox. So here's where we finally get to the part of about my good deed! After waiting for at least a half an hour for my turn, I let the person behind me cut in line. I said, "do you know what movie you want? I have no idea what I'm looking for (which was a lie!), so you can go first if you want." Then, after I took my turn and saw that those promo codes I found online actually worked, I told the rest of the people still waiting their turns about the codes. They were all really happy and thankful. I even saw a couple smiles, which I think is pretty huge considering they had been standing in that god-awful line for a very long time. One lady and her daughter even found me later, in the ice cream aisle, to tell me that the codes had worked. "Thanks for the free movies!" She said. And she looked very responsible, so her movie night probably will in fact, cost her zero dollars. :)

From Jo, Southern Australia:

Hi Kristin,

My name is Jo, Im from a tiny town is South Australia.

I have been reading your blog for sometime and just wanted to say im so so sorry for the loss of your precious Stevie. My heart goes out to you as her first birthday approaches. I have been through the first birthday and due dates. I have lost 3 babies. My son Hayden, an angel and baby Sienna.

So anyways i love the idea of a good act... and i wanted to donate some things to a newly started group for miscarriage, pregnancy and infant loss...so after reading you blog i thought that is what i will do and i will think of my own babies and your little Stevie while i do it... so today me and my living child went on a little girls day and decided to buy somethings to donate.

Just wanted to let you know that even though i dont really even know you personally your little Stevie has touch my life and her life is def worth celebrating.

I did a big fundraiser for my sons 1st birthday and celebrated in style, it was hard but it was such an achievment. we raised over $530 dolaars and around 70 teddy bears for the teddy love club here in australia. knowing i had done that for him, made his birthday seem so special, instead of me in a teary mess...(i still did this later..haha)

So i included a little photo of some things we brought today (below). 

Thank you for your blog, its lovely to read. xx

Thank you SO much, Jo, for doing something so lovely and for thinking of my Stevie as you did it!

Remember, if you decide to join me in doing something good or kind in honor of Stevie's first birthday, please please please let me know about it! I'll be forever grateful.

Thanks again!

Xoxo,
Kristin

Stevie's 30 Days of Doing Good

Dear Readers,
Tomorrow is April 8th, which means just one month until Stevie's first birthday. I seriously can't believe it. Time is a very strange thing. I can vividly remember last July/August, feeling like a million years had passed since she was born, and now last summer feels like it was just yesterday. Time, you are both my best friend and my worst enemy. Making life easier and easier, while pulling my little girl further and further away from me as you move along.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about how I want to celebrate Stevie's first birthday. I know it's kind of  weird to"celebrate" a birthday for a baby who isn't around to open presents and smash her first piece of cake all over her face. But she was my daughter, and I believe her life is worth remembering, and the amazing impact she's had, worthy of celebration!

The next 30 days, leading up to Stevie's birthday are going to be really hard. To be completely honest, I've been dreading this month for awhile now. So I've decided that rather than spend the next four weeks lying around feeling sorry for myself (okay, who am I kidding, we all know there will definitely be some of that too!), I'm going to spend them doing lots of little things to honor my daughter's memory. Every day, up until May 8th, I am committing to doing one simple act of "good" in her name. I don't know exactly what these things will be just yet, but they'll probably include things like paying for a strangers' coffee order at Starbucks, or picking up some of the nasty post-winter garbage the snow has left behind along the streets, or donating to a couple of my favorite charities.

I'm going to be documenting/photographing as many of these acts of goodness as I can and sharing them here over the next 30 days.

I'd also like to ask you to join me in doing at least one act of random goodness in Stevie's name before May 8th. It doesn't have to be big, and it doesn't even have to cost any money. Just do something extra nice for someone else, and think of her while you do it.

I know in my heart that had she lived, Stevie would have brought so much joy and goodness to this world. This project will help me remember that she still has, and still continues to do just that. My world, and the world as a whole, is a better and more beautiful place because she existed.

If you've been at all touched by Stevie's story, I would really appreciate your support of this project. Please send me a quick email with the act of good you did, and even better, include pictures! My email address is kristin.cook23@gmail.com. If we're friends on facebook, you can also just send me a message over there. I'll be sharing these here on my blog, so make sure to let me know if you don't want me to share your story publicly. :)

Thanks everyone, for your continued love and support.

Xoxo,
Kristin

Weekend in Pictures

Dear Stevie,
Your dad and I had a really great, really relaxing weekend. We didn't really do much of anything, which is precisely what made it so wonderful!

We started Saturday off with an early morning ('early' being a relative term; I think it was about 10am!) walk with the dogs:

It's over 40 degrees in Minnesota, which means it's officially shorts and sandals season!

Now that I am completely and hopelessly addicted to coffee, no walk would be complete without a latte

After spending a few hours doing some spring cleaning around the house (sorry, I did not take any pictures of this exciting part of the day), I spent some time enjoying the sun and reading out on the deck...

...While Dad did some yoga:

Okay, funny story about the yoga: a few months ago, I was out getting my hair cut and returned home to find your dad sprawled out on the living room floor, with a bunch of super tan, super ripped, thong-wearing male models stretching and posing beside a tranquil mountain stream on our TV screen. I was like, "whoa, what the hell are you watching!?" to which he replied, "Oh, this is the best yoga DVD I could find streaming on Netflix. I didn't know it was going to be a bunch of half-naked dudes though." "What is it called?" I asked. "Hot male yoga," he answered. You'd think the title would have tipped him off, right? Anyway, he's been doing yoga to this video ever since, and it totally cracks me up every time.

But back to Saturday. We spent a big chunk of the afternoon watching the X-Files and playing with the dogs:

Then, I decided I felt like baking. Now this usually doesn't end well. When I bake, one or more of the following tends to happen: 

1) I mess up the batter by misreading the recipe and adding too much salt, or not enough butter, or the wrong kind of flour, or I use baking POWDER instead of baking SODA...or something along those lines.

2) I burn it.

3) I follow the recipe perfectly, and somehow it still ends up tasting and/or looking like crap.

So I totally cheated and used boxed cake mix and a tub of store-bought frosting.

And what do ya know, my cuocakes turned out wonderfully:

For dinner, we had tacos and an AMAZING summery melon salsa...

Diced watermelon, cantelope, and honeydew with fresh mint leaves, lime juice, sugar, and hot peppers...yum.

...And my all-time favorite beer:

Founders 'Cerise' cherry ale...you must try it!

Sunday was more of the same, minus the sun, and adding some rain and even more X-Files than the previous day. I baked some more, this time managing to do a pretty decent job at banana bread (from scratch, not a box!)--very exciting indeed!

Here are a couple recent shots of my Dad took this weekend. You'll notice my air-dried frizzy look has made a comeback now that the weather's warm enough where my hair won't freeze if I leave the house with it wet! :)

As my friends would probably say, "this is such a Kristin face"

Sometimes the weekends where you do a whole lot of nothing are the best weekends of all. I couldn't help but think about how great it would have been to have an eight-month-old around for all of it. 

I miss you, baby. Every day.

Love,

Mom

I Heart Maine

Dear Stevie,
I haven't been writing here much, mainly because I haven't had many new thoughts to share, at least related to babyloss. I kind of felt like because this space was called Dear Stevie, I could only really post things specifically related to you. But the more I think about it, the more 'okay' it seems for me to talk about my everyday normal life here, too. I'm aware that you can't actually read anything I write here, but for some reason, when I pretend like maybe you can, I feel very connected to you.

So, dear Stevie (and dear readers!), I hope you don't mind that I am going to start using this blog as a place to talk about, well, whatever. I want to feel like I am somehow involving you in my day-to-day life, as unexciting as it may be sometimes.

And here we go.

This last weekend I went on my first big business trip, to Portland, Maine. A bit of back story: as I've probably shared before, I am the special events manager for a large nonprofit. Our affiliate in Maine was putting on a big benefit concert featuring the Young@Heart Chorus. Let me pause for a second and rave about this group. If you have not watched the documentary 'Young@Heart', stop whatever you're doing and watch it right now (click here to watch the trailer). Seriously, this group is amazing. It's a choir of very elderly people (the average age is 83!) who perform rock songs (everything from the Rolling Stones, to Nirvana, to Jimmy Hendrix, to Coldplay). To say they are inspiring is a total understatement.

I've really wanted to do a Young@Heart concert here in Minneapolis, benefiting my organizations' extensive work with seniors. When we found out one of our affiliates was doing one in Maine, it was the perfect opportunity to experience the event, first-hand, see if it seemed like it would be a good fit for us, and get to know the chorus a little better.

I had a blast.

First of all, Portland is a really sweet city. I had never been out to the East Coast before, and to be completely honest, was not really expecting to like it as much as I did. It had a really nice small town vibe, but also had a very urban feel, which I loved. I got into town Friday at about 2:00pm, and had all afternoon and evening to bum around and explore the city:

On the waterfront

I was so excited to see unfrozen water!

Down the street from my hotel

Another shot of all the fun little shops and pubs

A cute little restaurant where I had some amazing lobster dip and my first Maine beer (Allagash White, so good!)

Playing around in my hotel bathroom; I just like this one so I thought I'd include it :)

Saturday morning the Young@Heart chorus members arrived and I spent the morning hanging out with them at their hotel. They were all so friendly and so funny. These 90-year-olds seriously had more energy than I do at 25! Then that afternoon I went shopping with a woman from our national office in Washington, DC, who was also in Maine for the event. I found some really fun vintage jewelry at a cute resale shop, and had my first lobster roll at this fun little hole-in-the-wall down by the water:

Yum.

That night everyone had a really nice, fancy dinner at this lovely Italian restaurant. I had THE best desert I've ever had in my life (some sort of banana cake, no idea what it was called as everything was in Italian!).

Sunday was the actual Young@Heart event. It was absolutely amazing. They sold out the 2,000-seat Merrill Theater (a huge feat for a town of only 60,000 people!) and put on an incredibly fun and moving show. From the opening moment, when one of the singers pulled herself out of her wheelchair, slowly shuffled up to the microphone using a cane, and belted out the first notes of the Rolling Stones, 'You Can't Always Get What You Want,' there were tears just streaming down my face. 

The chorus members getting ready to go out and perform

"You Can't Always Get What You Want"

Packed house

The whole weekend was just a really, really good time. It was very refreshing to get out of Minnesota and experience a change of scenery for a few days. It also gave me a renewed sense of excitement and enthusiasm about my job. I really hope we can put on our own Young@Heart benefit next spring! You are all invited! :)

Wish you were here,

Mom

Screw Spring

Dear Stevie,
For the first time in my entire life, I do not have spring fever.

Yes, I will enjoy the warmer weather. Yes, I am looking forward to the lack of snow. Yes, I will not miss the nasty salt stains all over my shoes. And yes, the dogs will definitely appreciate being able to go out on a walk longer than 45-seconds before turning into 5-pound furry icicles. But really, I'm kind of dreading spring.

This whole being light out until after 7PM thing is kind of messing with me. Winter gave me the permission to be lazy and hole up in my bedroom with my Netflix and my yoga pants right after work. I mean, it was pitch dark outside at like 4:45PM, it only seemed natural to do absolutely nothing at that point. Winter fits my current mood. Spring does not.

I am hating all this crap about 'new life,' and 'new beginnings' and blah, blah, blah.  I wish I could write an inspiring post about how I am blossoming and growing into this beautiful new person, or that I am ready to emerge from my cocoon and fly free like a butterfly or something. Maybe after May 8th (your first birthday, which I hate to admit I am just dreading) rolls around, I'll be ready to spread my wings (or something equally as cheesy). But for now, I'd like a couple more months of hibernation.

I read this post from last spring and it just makes me so damn sad.

I had written, "Easter is all about hope, fresh starts, and new life--and I couldn't help but keep thinking about you all day and how you are really bringing all these things into our lives. A brand new chapter in our lives is about to begin, and I am so incredibly excited to see where it takes us."

I never in a million years thought this next chapter of my life would turn out the way it did. If I would have known, I wouldn't have been 'so incredibly excited' about it, that's for sure.

Sorry to be such a downer, baby.

I miss you. I miss that fresh feeling of hope that I had one year ago.

Love,
Mom

Winners!

Wow you guys! This was so much fun. I loved reading about all the little things that make you smile. One of you commented, "even though the perfect day may end in rain, I'm still happy to be alive." It's so true, isn't it? Life, even with all it's heartache and unfairness and disapointment, still has so many moments worth, well, living for.

Anyway, thank you all for making me smile with your lovely comments. I seriously wish I could send something to all of you. Since that's just not possible, I came up with a super scientific way of determining winners, which involved counting the number of entries for every prize, then using good old random.org to come up with the winning comment for each (see picture below). My brain kind of hurts right now! :) Without further ado, here are the winners! Please contact me at kristin.cook23@gmail.com and send me your mailing address to claim your prize.

Zumba game: Ashlee G.
Salsa book: Becca and Logan
Netflix: CourtneyAnna
Snack pack: T
Starbucks gift card: B. Wilson

And for my awesome Girly Girl Girlz mix cd, I decided I would make and send a copy to everyone who entered to win one! Just send me an email with your address if you'd like one.

Since it's Monday and Mondays totally suck, I'll leave you with some more reasons to smile (taken from the comments left on the giveaway post). Thanks again everyone!

My babies make me smile...the one in my arms and the one in my heart.

Driving with my windows down makes me smile.

Waking up next to my husband. :)

I smile when it's a sunny day, my windows are rolled down, and the perfect upbeat song comes on the radio. My definition of an awesome day! :)

My kitten snuggled up next to me (napping) makes me smile!

Driving, singing at the top of my lungs [and getting weird looks from other cars for my dancing!] makes me happy. =]

My rainbow baby's laugh makes me smile :)
 
Having coffee with a friend and catching up makes me smile.

The smell of fabric softener when someone is washing clothes makes me happy. =]

The other day, when I went into Starbucks before work to get a pick me up, an old man saw me walk in and I over heard him tell his friend that I was pretty. That made me smile :)

Watching Star Wars with my hunny makes me happy!

When it's snows just enough to coat everything, but you can still drive, it looks like a winter wonderland and that makes me happy :)

I live right outside of a Marine Base and no matter what kind of mood I'm in, it always puts a smile on my face to see the Welcome Home banners for the Marines & Sailors coming home

Reading a new book (of my choosing - no school books!) makes me smile.

Meeting a random person for the first time who shares my interests and passions and who is just as excited to talk about those things as me makes me smile.

The days when you FINALLY don't have to wear a 6 layers of clothing, a parka, hat, mits, scarf and big boots just to run to the grocery store...those days make me smile!

Tight abs make me smile!

Completely changing my look from head to toe makes me smile

Dancing around my house while nobody's watching (except my kid) makes me smile!

Not dying when doing push ups make me smile.

Watching my husband put hot sauce on EVERYTHING he eats makes me smile.

When a little kid looks up at me hopefully as I am walking by in the hall. Then when I look at them they smile and say, "Hi Ms. Smith!" like I am their most favorite person.

A creamy mocha on a cool morning makes me smile :)

I live in Maine. It's so cold. And snowy. And snowy again. The first warm day of spring after the snow is all melted makes me smile. I love to jump in the car, blast my favorite mixed cd from 100 years ago and roll the windows down and just drive around with an iced coffee for an hour. It makes me feel like the whole winter melted off me in that one hour.

Seeing an elderly couple holding hands makes me smile.

Singing into my brush and pretending to be in junior high again makes me smile.

Nothing makes me smile more than cuddling up with my honey and watching a movie, while I lay my head on his lap and he plays with my hair.

Being able to say CONGRATS and mean it to 10 of my friends that have given birth after my loss; without crying afterwards... makes me happy!

I smile whenever I look at the moon:)

Poodles make me smile.

Painting, drawing, and doing art of ANY kind makes me smile!

Eating a home-cooked meal from my mom makes me smile.

Laying on the couch doing absolutely nothing all day with my hubby makes me smile!

Chips and hot sauce make me smile

Walking barefoot makes me smile (even on slush).

Tank tops make me smile.

Watching Rosemary's Baby for the 150th time makes me happy!

Caffeine is amazing, gets me through the day, and I would NEVER smile without it! 

Giveaway Time!

Dear Readers,
Wow! 411 followers, that is just awesome! Although I don't write here nearly as often as I used to, I credit this space, my little corner of the internet, as saving my life. Truly. In those dark, awful days right after Stevie died, this blog was my lifeline. I honestly don't know what I would have done without it. It gave me one tangible thing I could accomplish everyday. And most importantly, it allowed me to connect with so many other amazing people who understood where I was coming from. Thank you all for being there to lift me up and cheer me on over the last (almost) 10 months.

Alright, now onto the giveaway!

What I really want to do is share some happiness with you. So some of these 'prizes' might seem a little bit weird, but they are all things that have put a smile on my face lately, and I'm hoping they'll do the same for you. Here they are:

1. Zumba for your choice of Playstation 3, Wii, or Xbox. To read about why I totally adore Zumba, click here.

2. "The Great Salsa Book" by Mark Miller. This book has hundreds of amazing salsa recipes, including a orange-habanero one that is seriously to die for. If I could eat chips and salsa for dinner everyday, I totally would!

3. A gift certificate good for three months of Netflix Watch Instantly. There are so many great movies available to stream, and some of my favorite shows such as 'The IT Crowd,' 'The Office,' 'Bones,' 'Hoarders' and 'Law and Order: SVU.' Literally half of my life is probably spent watching crap on Netflix. :)

4. An all-natural healthy snack pack, including my new favorite, avocado oil potato chips. A word of warning: you will get addicted and they are expensive! :)

5. A Starbucks giftcard. I've never been a coffee drinker, but a few weeks ago I was really tired and decided to try to pick myself up with a caramel latte, and I've been completely hooked ever since. Seriously, how did I not get on the coffee train sooner??

6. A copy of my "Girly Girl Girlz" mix cd, including singers like Adele, Robyn, Lily Allen, old school Salt N Peppa, and more. Spring is just around the corner, and this is the perfect thing to blast and rock out to with the windows down :) There will be 5 winners chosen for this one.

SO...here's how to enter:

• Anyone and everyone is eligible (you don't need to babyloss mama)
• For each prize you'd like to be entered to win, leave a separate comment and tell me one thing that makes you smile (for example, if I wanted to win the Zumba game, I'd say, "Zumba game. Leaving the house without a jacket makes me smile!")
• You can enter to win any or all of the prizes
• If you post about this giveaway on facebook, twitter, or your own blog, leave an additional comment for each, specifying which prize you'd like the extra entry for
• If you become a new follower, that counts as an additional entry too

I'll be randomly picking/announcing winners on Monday, March 7th.

Thanks again everyone!

xoxo,
Kristin

2 More!

Dear Readers,
Two more followers and I will be doing a giveaway! I've got some fun things in mind to give out, too, including a Zumba workout DVD, a copy of my "Girly Girl Girlz" mix CD, an assortment of some of my most recent all-natural snack obsessions, and more random stuff that's been keeping me happy (or at least happy-ish) these days. So if you haven't already, go on and click on the little "follow" button over to the right...there may even be something special in store for lucky #400! :)

Speaking of being happy, I'll leave you with this picture Andy took of me this weekend. Check out that big, (kind of creepy), genuine smile. I hope you're all finding some things to smile about these days too.

Love,
Kristin

Full

Dear Stevie,
I seriously can't believe we're already halfway through February. February!! So far 2011 has been pretty full.

Full of good love...

Full of good food...

Full of good friends...

Full of [not so good] snow...

Full of good fun...

Full of lots of good things. Full of everything but you.

I miss you, baby.

Love,
Mom

Quarter Life Crisis

Dear Stevie,
I think I am going through some sort of quarter-life crisis or something. Seriously. There are three main things I am feeling these days:

1. Good. Honestly, I haven't cried in weeks. I can count the number of "sad days" in the last couple months on one hand. I've heard pregnancy and birth announcements, seen pictures of  baby girls, ran into moms with newborns at the store...and been totally fine. I'm not sure what happened, but it was like on January 1st, some switch was bumped and I went back to the person I was before any of this ever happened. Before I was pregnant. Before you died.

2. Guilty. What kind of person am I? How can I be feeling so goddamn normal when my own child died less than a year ago? I woke up this morning to a bunch of facebook notifications. I thought to myself, "why is everyone putting hearts and 'thinking of you's' on my wall today?" When I realized it's the 8th today, your nine-month "birthday," I felt beyond awful. Strangers on the internet realized today was a special day for you before your own mother. FAIL.

3. Lost and confused. I don't know what I want, or who I am anymore. For the last 8 months or so, the only thing I've really wanted was to be pregnant again. I was convinced I would not feel "good" or "normal" again until I was. But now...I do feel good. I do feel normal (well, as normal as I ever did!).

For the longest time I didn't have the desire to do much of anything but stay in the house, sit on the couch, and immerse myself in 'babyloss' things. Now, I want to get out and do something almost all the time. I've been having a great time being young and having fun. To the point where I'm thinking I may go back to my original "plan" of having babies when I was 27 (I'm 25 now). I was so used to being sad, I forgot how good "good" feels. Am I crazy for wanting to enjoy this phase of my life for a couple more years? The song "Queen of the World" by Ida Maria (video at the bottom of this post) kind of sums up how I've been feeling:

I'm the queen of the world
I bump into things
I spin around in circles
And I am singing
And I'm singing well I'm singing
Why can't I stay like this
Dear God
Oh, Let me be young
Let me stay please
Oh, Let me stay like this 

I've just been freaking out about the fact that my life is literally a third of the way over, and what have I done? There are things I want to do, places I want to see. Experiences I want to, well, experience. Am I going to wake up 50 years old and regret that I didn't do them when I had the chance?

Please, someone tell me I'm not a total psycho.

I miss you baby mine.

Love,
Mom

10 random things

Dear Readers,
10 random things:

1. Over at FOLFOH, we started our Face2Face Friendship Groups. I am super excited to announce that we already have over 75 groups starting up all over the country (and even a few outside the US!). You should check out the group directory to see if there is a group in your area. I want to give a HUGE shout-out (and thank you!) to Angie for all her awesome work coordinating this new project. Ang-you rock!

2. Hello to all my new followers! I am excited to add a bunch of new blogs to my reader.

3. Big apologies to all my old followers. I have become an absolutely horrible blog commenter as of late. Please know I continue to read every post and am still here walking beside you (even if it seems like I've fallen off the blogosphere planet!)

4. I have been really bad about updating our food blog, but I am happy to report there has been zero unnatural/processed food consumed in our house since January 1st. I feel amazing! My energy level is way up, I've lost the 5-10 pounds that were still clinging from my pregnancy, and I just feel...good about myself. I highly recommend giving this thing a try (or at least heading in that direction).

5. I made the ultimate "chick mix" and have been totally rocking out to late-90's Mariah Carey (think 'Honey' and 'Butterfly'), R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Lady Gaga, No Doubt, Lily Allen, Regina Spektor, old Whitney, Celine, Janet, and Cher, Shakira, and the rest of my ladies this week. I don't know when I picked up this desire to dance all the time, but I've been shaking my booty all over the place--in the car, in the shower, cleaning the kitchen. Putting together a girly mix you can move to is another thing I highly recommend. :)

6. For the first time in literally eight months, I am happy that I'm not pregnant. For real! This could all change tomorrow, but today, I'm just oddly okay with my life the way it is. Is that weird??

7. I need to start reading again. Anyone have any good book suggestions? I'm in the mood for a good love story. And PS. no Nicholas Sparks :)

8. I am thinking about doing another giveaway when I reach 400 (400?!) followers. I'm leaning towards having it be for a set of Zumba DVDs because I am just loving Zumba and I think you all would too!

9. This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time ('wait..what is this? I have to go to the bank? What am I, some sort of wizard?'). Can anyone else relate?

10. I still miss my little girl with all my heart. Even when I'm in one of those phases, like now, where the good days outnumber the bad, a part of me still feels not quite alive inside.

Love,
Kristin

Light as a feather

Dear Stevie,
Two summers ago, Dad and I spent a week backpacking through the Beartooth Mountains in Montana. It was my first "real" camping experience, and while it was a ton of fun, it was also a lot of work. Every morning, we would get up, eat breakfast, pack up our stuff, and hike anywhere from 5-10 miles to the next campsite. 5-10 miles might not sound like that far to walk, but when you are carrying 40+ pounds on your shoulders while doing it (or closer to 90 if you're Dad!), it's quite the challenge.

There were times on that trip I honestly thought I was going to pass out and die. It was hot. There were bugs. My scalp itched from not washing my hair in days. We'd be going up-hill and I would just stop in the middle of the trail and refuse to go any further. "You're going to have to hike out by yourself and come back for me with a stretcher," I'd yell up to Dad. The heavy backpack was the worst. It made me feel so weighed down. So trapped. Each step a challenge.

This is my 'I'm attempting to look happy when I really want to die' smile

But every afternoon, somehow, we'd make it to camp. And when I finally got to unstrap my backpack and let the weight fall off my shoulders, that was one of the best feelings I've ever felt. Strangely...light. Walking felt about a thousand times easier, effortless. Like I was floating on air.

That is how I've felt since January 1st. Light as a feather.

The awful weight of the last eight months was starting to drag me down, almost to the point where I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get back up again. I was trying to make it up this huge hill with pound upon pound of sadness, disapointment, anger, jealously, and bitterness on my shoulders, weighing me down, and it just wasn't working. I felt like I was back in Montana, sitting on a rock, swatting horseflies away from my face, crying out that I just couldn't go any further.

No more. I've made a conscious effort to unload a lot of the dead weight I've been hauling around. I've decided to throw it off my back, and I've left it in back in 2010. This new year, this fresh start, it's like arriving at camp.

Since January 1st, I've been focusing on me. I've been eating incredibly healthy (I haven't eaten any processed foods or a can of soda in over a week!). I've been doing Zumba every day (it's this super fun, super intense booty-shaking latin dance workout I do on our Playstation3, see embarrassing pic below). I've been making more of an effort to get out of the house and do the things I love (like taking pictures and spending time with my friends). I've even been waking up early enough to actually blow-dry and straighten my hair.

The controller in the belt around my waist tells the Zumba game how much I've moving my hips ('Nice Hip-Action!'), pretty cool!

I feel so much lighter (and that's not just thanks to the four pounds I've lost since the new year, which wasn't the point of all this, but I'll gladly take!) I feel renewed. Refreshed. Ready to take on the world again.

My 'America's Next Top Model' pose, to show off my straightened hair :)

This is gonna be a good year, I can feel it. Bring it on, 2011, this time I'm not stopping mid-hike for anything.

I miss you, Baby, and love you even more.

Xoxo,
Mom

Beating Hearts

Dear Stevie,

I've been having trouble sleeping at night.

Foxy and Jackie (our Toy Poodles, pictured below) sleep in our bed with us every night. Usually Foxy prefers to sleep on my face, or right next to my face, on my pillow, and Jackie likes to cuddle up against my stomach under the covers. I know, I know, they are totally spoiled. But I don't care. I love having them in bed with us.

Anyway, back to my sleep troubles.

For the last month or so, pretty much every night, I wake up at around 3:00am in somewhat of a panic. I have this horrible feeling that something has happened to the dogs. I have to put my hands over each of their chests and feel their little hearts beating before I can fall back asleep. Sometimes I even shake them a bit, just enough so that they squirm a little and I can be absolutely certain they are alive.

How messed up is that? It's like I'm so afraid of the things I love dying on me that it's literally keeping me awake at night. 

Oh how I wish I could go back to my naivety. Back to the time in my life when beating hearts didn't just stop for no good reason. Back to before my little girls' did. Stop beating, that is. 

Nearly eight months out and I'm still reeling.

I miss you. 

Mom

New Blog

Nope, it's not a new pregnancy blog (unfortunately, ha ha).

It's a foodie blog!

Operation Eat Less Crap

Andy and I have decided to go all-natural, all-organic in 2011, and as a way to hold ourselves accountable, we'll be blogging all about it. Andy does most (okay, all) of the actual cooking in our house, but I do enjoy eating and talking about good food, so I figure it will give me something new and fun to focus on for awhile.

We'll be sharing recipes, stories, and all that good bloggy stuff. I hope you'll come over and join us!

Xoxo

Kristin