Friday, December 30, 2011

Basketball in my belly

Dear Elliot,
I woke up this morning and realized I must have swallowed a basketball in my sleep or something :)


My skin feels so stretched it's hard to believe I've got another 10-11 weeks of stretching left to do!

Happy 27 weeks! I love you like crazy!

XOXO,
Mom

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Progress!

Dear Elliot,
I have been putting off just about everything we need to do before your arrival until "after Christmas," so this week I decided it was time to cross at least a couple things off the list.

The list that just keeps on growing!

Since working on your room/getting all your baby stuff organized sounded a lot more appealing than other items on the list such as cleaning the garage, or fixing the garbage disposal, I decided to tackle that one first. 

As a reminder, here's what your room looked like as of Tuesday morning:


And here's what it looks like today:


Obviously, I've got a long way to go before it's a cute little nursery fit for a cute little boy, but hey--it's major progress! I put everything into piles: breastfeeding supplies, toys, diaper bags, baby carriers, changing/diapering supplies, bath stuff, blankets and sleep sacks, and even went through all your clothes and organized them by size and type (sleepers, onesies, tops, and bottoms). 

Foxy thinks your clothes piles are actually nice little cuddle spots made just for her :)

My favorite part of organizing was putting all the books we've collected (some bought for Stevie, some for you) on your bookshelf:

The Elliot sign will go up on the wall eventually, after we paint

Then yesterday I went shopping with Auntie Jersa (my BFF) and got some unreal bargains on more things to complete the room. First, I got the paint for the accent wall on super clearance at Home Depot:

It's hard to tell in the picture, but it's a green color that matches the green 'leaves' (that's what the circle thing on the can is!) on the tree mural I made to go above your crib

After Home Depot, we hit a couple thrift stores, where I found this adorable vintage chalk board to hang up for $3.99:

I was planning on making my own chalkboard, but just cleaning this one up will be much easier!

And at Goodwill, I scored this like-new glider rocking chair for...wait for it...$9.00! Can you believe it?!


So this weekend we'll be painting. I also still need to get a lamp, some baskets or boxes for under the changing table, a rug and curtains (but I want to see the crib quilt your Auntie Rachel is making so I can try to match them before I do!), and a couple other things, but I feel like everything is starting to come together. 

It's weird, I've been feeling extra anxious/nervous yesterday and today and I couldn't figure out why. Then I remembered that putting together Stevie's nursery was one of the last things I did before she died. I even blogged about it two days before the morning we found out she was gone. Logically I know that setting up the nursery had nothing to do with your sister dying, but it's almost like now I'm waiting for something bad to happen again now that I've taken that step. 

I love you so much, baby. I can't believe in just a couple more months I will get to finally see your sweet face and kiss those chubby feet that have been kicking my ribs each night. 

Can't wait to see you again next Friday (28 week growth scan). Until then, keep growing little E!

XOXO,
Mom

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Christmas wrap-up

Dear Elliot,
Merry (belated) Christmas, baby boy! Your first Christmas was pretty great. All weekend long I kept feeling you moving all over the place in my belly and would say to myself, "I don't care if I don't get any other gifts this year, this feeling, right here, is the best present of all."

Dad and I had a really nice time hanging out and relaxing with family all weekend. Tons of good food (being pregnant during holidays is the best!), movies, games, relatives, and awesome presents, all made for an excellent Christmas.

Me and Grandma (my mom)

After you, Dad might have gotten the biggest haul this year, as Grandpa (my dad)'s gift-giving theme this year was "an old fashioned thrift store Christmas." Dad ended up with speakers for his record player, a sweet Kitchen Aid mixer from the 60's, bike parts (I have no idea what they are called, but he seemed pretty excited), and a rabbit fur hat that he hasn't taken off since. I did pretty well too, with some much-needed maternity clothes from my mom (including a pair of maternity yoga pants that I am pretty sure I am going to live in until March), the newest Photoshop Elements, a Scentsy wax warmer knock-off (that I have to say is pretty awesome and I believe cost about half the price!), an electric toothbrush (I must be a real adult now that I ask for things like toothbrushes for Christmas!), and some awesome winter boots from my dad (from the thrift store, of course!)

Even though you couldn't open them yourself quite yet, you also got lots of presents this year. You are so loved by so many people already, you have no idea. Here are just a couple of my favorite things you got for your first Christmas:

Crib mattress from Grandma and Grandpa Cook. I can't tell you how much I loved seeing your name on presents under the tree!

Fleece blanket your Uncle Brandon (my little brother) made for you, all by himself :)

Okay, so this one is more for me I guess, but how cute is this Vera Bradely diaper bag from Grandma Cook??

The cutest hat I've ever seen, from Uncle Brandon and Grandma Ziemke 

Our car was packed to the brim with goodies! (and check out that fur hat Dad got--kind of matches yours!)

Christmas makes me miss your big sister terribly, but she wasn't forgotten. Grandma and Grandpa Cook even hung up a stocking for her and made a very generous donation to Faces of Loss in her name. I was really touched by that. 

On the pregnancy front, I am loving being the most pregnant I've ever been. I can tell you are getting bigger and stronger everyday, a) because my belly is getting HUGE, and b) because your movements are getting CRAZY. The other night you were going nuts over on my side, and Dad was a little freaked out at how he could actually feel specific body parts trying to crawl out of my skin. And one minute you'll be hanging out down low, and the next I'll feel your feet pushing off my ribs. Kind of crazy!

Here are a couple belly shots from yesterday (26.5 weeks):



My stomach is so stretched and tight that I finally had to take out my belly button ring. My belly looks so weird without it (and my belly button is seriously going to become an outie any day now!):


Dad and I are starting Hypnobabies childbirth classes next week and I am really excited. Aside from helping me have a positive delivery experience, I think the daily relaxation/self-hypnosis sessions you are required to do at home will really help keep my anxiety levels in-check during the next 11-12 weeks or so. We listened to the first relaxation track last night and had a wonderful time finding our 'safe, special places' :) I'll let you know how the classes go once we start!

Alright, Little E. I suppose it's time to get off the computer and start my ever-growing list of things to do that I've been putting off until "after Christmas." Today I think I will start doing some organizing in your nursery, which currently looks like an explosion of baby crap went off in the middle of the room:


Keep on growing, Elliot. We are so excited to meet you!

Love you,
Mom

Friday, December 23, 2011

We made it (26 weeks)!

Dear Elliot,
This is going to be a short one, as I've got about a million things to get done today before we leave for the weekend (seriously, how is it Christmas Eve tomorrow??). But I am so, so happy to report we've made it past the dreaded milestone! I am officially the most knocked up I've ever been.

Since I am home alone with no one to take a belly shot for me, you are going to have to settle for this awesome cell phone self-pic (which I'll be sure to make my myspace profile pic later, haha):


Thank you for being such a little mover for mama this week. I've really appreciated all the extra rolls and jabs you've been giving me to let me know you're doing just fine :)

I love you so much!

XOXO,
Mom

Sunday, December 18, 2011

THE week

Dear Stevie,
I'm a few days into week 25 with your little brother, which means this week is the week. The week I lost you. Actually, today could be the very day you died. When I went into the doctor because I hadn't been feeling you move--the day we discovered you had no heartbeat--I was 25 weeks, 5 days. The last time I know with absolute certainty that I felt you kick was a couple days before that, at 25 weeks, 2 days. I wasn't really paying attention, and I am pretty sure you were moving some the next day as well, but the last kick I can clearly remember (you jabbed me really hard in the side while I was arguing with the new internet provider people on the phone!) happened at 25 weeks, 2 days--exactly where I am today.

I am scared to death. Logically I know that 25 weeks, 2 days is just a number, but I can't help but wonder if there is something about that particular time in the fetal development process that caused things to go wrong last time (and will cause them to go wrong again).

I've just been really anxious and can't wait for this week, the week, to be over. Thankfully, I have a lot going on this week (including a girl's day with my blog friend, Leanne tomorrow!) that will hopefully keep me nice and distracted.

By the end of the week, I'll officially be the most pregnant I've ever been. Bittersweet.

Anyway, here's my 25 week belly shot (taken at Grandma and Grandpa's house):

I am feeling rather...puffy these days!

I love you, Stevie. You have no idea how badly I wish you were here to enjoy your second Christmas with your family.

Always,
Mom

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Jumbled mess of a post

Dear Elliot,
This post is going to be a jumbled mess; sorry! A few things on my mind this week:

1) I hate health insurance. And money. Or more accurately, lacking money. So as you know I was laid off of my job at the end of September. Since then, I've been stuck paying Cobra every month to keep my old insurance benefits. You'd think that paying $600 a month (for just me) would be enough, but on top of that, my insurance keeps denying at least a portion of every appointment I've had during this pregnancy (and there have been a lot!), so not only am I paying a ridiculously high monthly premium, I've paid at least $1,000 out of pocket for pregnancy-related medical stuff so far. Okay, now add the the $750 copay I have to pay for my 'prenatal care package' (due at my 6-week postpartum appointment), and add another who knows how much for delivery (with Stevie, I was in the hospital for 24 hours and had to pay over $1,500 out of pocket)...and you get the point. This is just a racket, and in my opinion, totally unfair. Every woman should be able to have a baby without it costing thousands and thousands of dollars. Period. I mean seriously, what's the point of even having health insurance when there are so many out of pocket expenses to deal with anyway??

Anyway, the whole situation has me majorly stressed out. A lot of people have this idea that the unemployed, or the 'low-income' are these lazy, uneducated people who are trying to mooch off the system or something. This simply isn't true. I am now 'those people,' and it's been a really, I don't know if this is the right word for it, humbling experience. I've never been rich by any means, but I've also never been in a situation where I'm having to decide between paying rent and buying groceries. I've never had to worry about whether or not buying a package of frozen chicken breasts was going to break the bank. I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself because I know I am still a lot better off than some out there, but it's been a real struggle adjusting. I've certainly gained a new outlook (and a lot more compassion and respect) for those who are struggling to make it in this crappy economy.

I hate the money stress. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Alright, moving on...

2) Dad and I have been putting off doing your shower registry for awhile now. Dad, just because he hates shopping in general, and me, because it kinda scares me. One of the worst things ever was getting constant reminders about and coupons from Babies R Us for 'items not purchased on our registry' after Stevie died. We had registered, but I never even made it far enough to actually have my baby showers, so essentially every item was left 'unpurchased.' For some reason, I just feel stupid doing that to myself again. Sort of like an idiot for assuming that this time, there will be a need for a registry.

So we decided to skip Babies R Us altogether and registered at Target and Amazon. I guess it wasn't too bad. It does feel good to cross it off the list. This kind of goes back to the insurance/money stress again, but seeing the list of stuff we need grow bigger and bigger is kind of overwhelming. I just keep reminding myself that while of course I will be beyond thrilled to get some of these items as gifts from our family and friends, so much of the 'stuff' the stores make you think you need, just really isn't all that important. At least not in the big-picture sense.

You will have a nice, warm place to sleep, a boob to eat from, dry diapers, and lots and lots and lots of love. That's all that really matters, right?

3) I had my first "I am going to hospital" moment last night. When lay down in bed before going to sleep each night, you are always super active. Like for the last month or so, that time has consistently been your most active time of the day. Well last night I snuggled into bed and you were hardly moving around at all. I was feeling some little nudges and small kicks here and there, but none of your usual kicks and jabs that make my whole belly jump. I started to get really concerned. I know babies have lazy periods, but I also know that a sudden change in movement patterns can be a sign of fetal distress and a cause for concern. I was in tears. I got up, jumped around, and drank a big glass of cold water. I told dad that if you didn't start moving more in the next 30 minutes, we were going to the hospital to check things out.

Thankfully, you did start moving around more shortly after. I've never been so happy to get kicked in the crotch as I was right then! I stayed up and monitored things, and finally fell asleep about an hour later when you had finally convinced me you were doing just fine in there.

I'm glad we didn't have to make a trip to Labor and Delivery, but I'm also not going to apologize for being overly cautious. If this happens again, and my gut tells me I should get checked out, I won't hesitate to do so. If I end up being that crazy, paranoid girl that comes goes to the hospital every other week, so be it--I'm not taking any chances this time around!

4) A couple people asked me about the 'tree of life' pendants, and how to make them. Here's a link to the youtube video I followed. I did tweak her instructions quite a bit, but this is a great place to start.

5) As for the quote coasters and hanging tiles/signs, I don't have a link because I took a bunch of different ideas and combined them to make these :) Here are some quick instructions if you want to make some yourself (they are perfect for cheap Christmas presents!):


For the coasters:

  1. You'll need 4X4 plain tiles from Home Depot; they are $.016 a piece (and even cheaper if you buy a big box of them), plain white tissue paper (just the regular kind you'd use to wrap presents or whatever), mod podge, a paint brush, a hot glue gun, and something to line the back (cork, felt, whatever you want).
  2. I found a bunch of quotes I liked on Pinterest, and used Picnik.com (a free photo editing program) to design the coasters. Just play around with the fonts to make them look the way you like.
  3. Print the coaster designs onto the tissue paper. To do this, you have to 'trick' your printer by taping he tissue paper onto regular 8.5X11 printing paper. Make sure all the edges are taped down well, or it will get stuck in the printer.
  4. Cut out the tissue paper designs and mod podge them to the tiles. Be really careful as the tissue is very fragile and will rip easily. I purposely scrape at the corners so that you don't have super straight edges. I do about 3-4 coats of the mod podge.
  5. Glue on your backing using a hot glue gun.
For the hanging tiles/signs:

It's pretty much the same process as the coasters, but using 6X8 tiles, also from Home Depot (they are like $.50 a piece). You'll also need to attach a hanger of some sort--I used a thick hemp/twine.


Hope that helps! You can email me (kristin.cook23@gmail.com) if you have any questions.

Alright, I think that's about it for today. Sorry for the long, whiny, and all over the place post!

I love you so much, Baby E. No more scaring mama (at least for awhile), okay? :)

XOXO,
Mom

Monday, December 12, 2011

24(ish) weeks

Dear Elliot,
On Friday we hit 24 weeks! Well, according to ultrasound measurements, you hit 24 weeks a while ago, but I guess I am just catching up :). I can tell from both my growing belly and your increasingly obvious movements, that you are getting bigger and stronger everyday. This week I've felt really, just happy. And excited. Might not last forever, but I'm running with it for now!




This weekend was also Dad's 27th birthday. On Saturday (his actual birthday), we had a nice, relaxing day hanging out with a couple of his best friends. I think I ate the worst I've ever eaten in my entire life that day, too. Donuts and cookies for breakfast, frozen pizza for lunch, and amazingly greasy (and awesome) chicken wings for dinner. Throw in a movie theater-sized box of Sweet Tarts, a few Mountain Dews, and half a block of cheddar cheese, and I was feeling quite gross by the end of the night! Please, Baby, don't think you're going to get to eat like this once you're on the outside!

Yesterday we celebrated Dad's birthday with the Cook side of the family. Dad shares a birthday with your Auntie Rachel, so we had a nice joint-party for the two of them:


Dad asked his parents for a record player about a month ago, and has literally not stopped talking about it since. Needless to say, he was pretty excited to finally have the thing in his hands. We spent the evening at home listening to the ever-growing stack of old records he's been collecting from thrift stores:



Dad decided this weekend that he is going to play, in its entirety, an album a night for you, so that you come out familiar with all the classics. His first pick was Pantera, since they are the band that he and his friend Elliot (the one you are named after) used to jam to all the time. He was pretty thrilled that you seemed to be a fan, jumping all over the place (even doing a somersault or two).

In between birthday stuff, I managed to complete a few more craft projects/gifts. I have been making these quote coasters and hanging wall tiles and am really happy with how they are turning out:



And thanks to a tutorial my friend Julie sent me, I also started making these 'tree of life' pendants and I am obsessed with them (like I am anything related to trees in general!):


Even your dad is getting in on the crafting. Last night he spent over an hour sewing patches onto a couple of his favorite pants with holes in them. Okay, so not really "crafting" per say, but I thought it was pretty cool to see him hunched over the sewing machine :)


Alright, little boy, I'll talk to you soon!

Love you so much,
Mom

Friday, December 9, 2011

2 years

Dear Stevie,
Two years ago, today, I became a mother. I'll never forget how I felt the moment that second pink line showed up on that little Dollar Tree test. In that moment, my heart expanded in ways I'd never imagined possible. In that moment, my life changed forever.

I've been a mother for two years, yet I'm still waiting to bring my baby home. Hopefully soon.

I love you so much, little girl. I miss you everyday.

Always,
Mom

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Caught on camera!

Dear Elliot,
I finally caught a couple of your little kicks on camera. I was playing my favorite old kids movie songs for you and you were going nuts. I got out my phone to start recording, and sure enough, you slowed down, but I was still able to capture a few precious movements. Here's the video (look on the left side of my belly; they're kind of hard to see):


Seriously, how cool is that? I just don't think its possible to ever get used to the fact that there is a living, kicking little human inside of you. Unbelievable.

I love you more than words can say, baby boy.

XOXO,
Mom

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

These feet...

...are in my ribs!


Hi Elliot. We had our growth ultrasound this morning and I am so happy to report that everything is looking wonderful! You were measuring 24w4d at 23w3d (by EDD), and were kicking away like usual. The ultrasound tech was like, '"wow, he has some strong kicks!" Yeah, tell me about it! 

This was the first ultrasound where you were facing head-down, and we could see your gigantic feet kicking my ribs. I can't believe you're already that far up there. I will say the rib kicks are much more enjoyable than the crotch kicks I've gotten so accustomed to :)

We weren't able to get a good profile picture this time because you had your little hands crossed in front of your face the whole time. We tried poking and proding, and flipping over from side to side, and you just buried your face even further down and away. I could just imagine you thinking, "come on, guys, just leave me alone!" Hopefully next time we'll be able to get a good 3D picture of your cute little face.

The cord blood flow was looking good, which is always what I am the most concerned about. I hope that Lovenox shots continue to do their job, keeping you growing and healthy. 

The Perinatologist that came in and talked with us after the scan didn't recommend another level II ultrasound for eight weeks (when I'll be 32 weeks along). The original plan was to do the next one at 28 weeks, and he said I can still get one done then if I need to for peace of mind, but he doesn't see any indication that I need one that soon. I think I am still going to push for it anyway. After 32 weeks we'll also be starting weekly nonstress tests and biophysical profiles (where they can check that blood flow). I just have to make it through the holidays and then the crazy appointment schedule can begin!

Alright, Baby, I've gotta run. Sorry this is so quick and boring. Boring is good, though. I'll gladly take boring this time around!

Your dad and I love you so, so much.

Always,
Mom

Monday, December 5, 2011

23 weeks

Dear Elliot,
On Friday we hit 23 weeks. Only a week until the 'viability' point, and just another two weeks after that until we pass the week that Stevie died. I can definitely feel myself getting more and more anxious as that milestone approaches, but I am really starting to think God must have known I was going to be a nervous wreck this pregnancy, and decided to give me a crazy baby who makes his presence VERY known. Seriously kid, what are you doing in there?! You move more often, more pronounced, and more consistently at 23 weeks than your big sis ever did, even at 26 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it, I'm just trying to figure out when you have time to sleep! :)

I am so in awe of how much of a personality you have already. Not surprisingly (given who your mom is ) you seem to be a stubborn one. I have been trying to get video of my belly moving around like 20 times, and every attempt goes something like this: you're kicking like crazy, so I get the laptop all set up to film. As soon as I hit 'record,' you stop kicking. I record for 2-3 minutes, waiting for you to start up again. I finally give up and hit 'stop.' Then you immediately start moving again. One of these days I'm gonna catch it, I swear!

You also seem to be over my super paranoid-ness at night. The other night at around 3am, I had a freak out because I poked you a couple times and you weren't waking up. So I went downstairs and downed a caffeine-free Mountain Dew. When I lay back down in bed, you not only woke up, but proceeded to stay awake and kicking the crap out of my insides for over an hour. Sorry Baby, I totally deserved that :)

Anyway, here is the most recent belly picture, at 23 weeks, 2 days. Your dad took the picture and when I saw it I said, "whoa, I look huge!" He responded with, "yeah, you kind of look like that blueberry girl from Willy Wonka in that shirt." How sweet!


It's finally looking and feeling like winter around here. This probably sounds really weird, but I've been super excited for snow season to start because that makes it seem like March is just around the corner! Seeing that this is Minnesota, there's about a 99% chance it will still be snowing when you are born. So we've now made it through half of summer, all of fall, and are into the season in which you will make your big debut :)




(apparently your dad was so excited about the snow he couldn't help but make this weird face)

Before I go, I just have to take a minute to brag about the girls (our dogs). They can be naughty--barking at doorbells on TV, begging for everyone's food, randomly deciding to take fun little runs around the neighborhood when we are stupid enough to let them out to pee off-leash--but they are so, so good when it comes to the things that matter. They love little kids, and are so totally chill and nonagressive that they have no problem when said little kids pick them up, pull on their tails, etc etc. I am pretty certain both of them have somehow known about you for a long time (maybe even before I did!). Since being pregnant, they are pretty much permanently attached to my belly. I seriously can't wait for you to meet these sweet, crazy little creatures!





I have my 24 week growth ultrasound at the perinatal clinic tomorrow morning. I'm both incredibly nervous (as always) and excited to see you again. I'm hoping maybe they'll switch over to the 3D mode to give us a glimpse of your face :)

I love you little boy!

XOXO,
Mom

Thursday, December 1, 2011

My prize

Dear Elliot,
I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was a Sunday afternoon. I was eight years old. Deeply engrossed in a 'coloring contest' with my best friends from church, 97.3 KBSG, Seattle's oldies radio station, playing in the background. The radio DJ came on and announced a contest for the day: when they played 'Fun, Fun, Fun' by the Beach Boys (you know the one, "and she'll have fun, fun, fun til her daddy takes the T-bird away..."), the 10th person to call in would win $1,000 to spend on something--you guessed it--fun.

As soon as we heard the words '$1,000 dollars,' our little ears perked up in excitement. We abandoned our coloring contest and immediately ran upstairs to my friend Chelsea's bedroom to start devising a scheme for winning that money. We came up with a plan that we were absolutely certain would work. As soon as 'Fun, Fun, Fun' started playing, we would set a timer for 15 seconds, the exact amount of time we determined would make us caller number 10. For when the DJ asked us how we were going to spend the money, we each came up with a cute one-sentence answer on how we would spend our share.

For literally hours, we sat on Chelsea's bed in a circle, a little hand-held radio playing in the middle of us, her mom's kitchen timer ready to be set. We did a few practice run-throughs during commercials, just to be sure we had everything down. We dreamed about all the things we were going to do and buy with our prize. We held our breathes with anticipation and excitement at the end of every song. Was this it? Was the next song going to be the one?

Chelsea's dad came into the room at one point and tried to get us to come down for dinner. "Shhhhhh!" we told him, "we need to win this money first!" He tried to warn us that there was a very small chance we would win, but we knew better. Our plan was foolproof.

I can so vividly remember being so confident that we were going to win that money. It wasn't even a question in my eight-year-old mind. I really truly believed it was going to happen.

Finally, it was time. 'Fun, Fun, Fun' began to play. We screamed. Chelsea set the timer. My hands shook as I held the phone and got ready to dial. "Five, four, three, two, one...call! Call! Call! Hurry!" I dialed the number to the radio station and we all huddled around to listen in.

"Beep. Beep. Beep..."

It was busy.

We hit redial and waited.

"Beep. Beep. Beep..."

Busy again.

Over and over and over again we hit that redial button, our hopes fading each time we heard that soul-crushing "beep beep beep" coming through the phone's receiver.

We must have tried calling at least 100 times during the course of that 3-minute song. When it was over, and some other lucky caller was on the air winning our money, we all just kind of sat there in a state of shock. We were crushed.

I think that was the day I lost my innocence. My naivety. My sense of pure, unadulterated optimism. I realized no matter how badly you want something, no matter how hard you work for it, sometimes you just don't get it. To this day, I've never called into a radio station contest again.

It kind of feels like this same story replayed itself with Stevie. When I was pregnant with her, there was no real question in my mind about whether or not she would be born alive and come home from the hospital. She was my $1,000 'fun, fun, fun money' prize, and I was absolutely certain she was mine to keep.

When she died, it was like relearning that hard lesson about life not always going the way you want it to all over again (and about a million times more intense, obviously).

Now being pregnant again, with you, it's like I'm sitting around, phone in hand, hoping this time, I'll win.
But there's no confidence this time, no optimism. I wish so badly I had that back. I just want to know in my heart that everything is going to work out this time.

This time, I want my prize.

I love you so much, baby boy.

Always,
Mom

PS. I sincerely apologize for mentioning something as awesome as bacon guacamole in my last post and not including a recipe :) We don't really go off of any recipe, but here's how we make bacon guac at our house:

Ingredients:
3-4 avocados (depending on how big they are)
3/4 of a purple onion, chopped
a big handful of chopped fresh cilantro
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
3-5 red and green serrano peppers, to taste (we also sometimes add a habanero to make it extra spicy), chopped
4 limes
salt and pepper to taste
4 strips of bacon, nice and crispy

Mash up the avocados in a big bowl. Add the chopped onion, cilantro, garlic, and peppers. Squeeze in the juice of 4 limes. Add salt and pepper. Chop up your bacon and stir it into the guac. Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A sorta merry Christmas

Dear Elliot,
Last year I wanted nothing to do with Christmas. I banned the Christmas music radio station in the car, refused to put up any decorations, and basically tried to pretend that the whole thing wasn't really happening.

This year, I am definitely feeling more in the spirit of things, but I wouldn't call this time 'the most wonderful time of the year' just yet. While last year's was an all out crappy Christmas, I have a feeling this year's will be a sorta merry Christmas. Yes, the pain is not nearly as fresh or intense, and having you with me this year helps quite a bit, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I should have an 18-month old daughter to spoil this Christmas; that I should be out searching for the perfect play kitchen, or maybe her first baby doll, and toiling over which ruffly Christmas dress she should wear to church on Christmas Eve.

It will be a sorta merry Christmas this year because even though you've brought so much new joy and excitement into my heart, it still breaks into a million little pieces when I think of should have, could have been.

I'm still not in the mood to go all-out with decorations and stuff this year, but I do want to start letting some of that Christmas magic back into our lives. The first step was getting a tree. We have a big artificial tree down in the basement somewhere, but Dad and I decided we really wanted the smell that comes with a real pine tree. But I didn't really want a full size tree in the living room, so we found the perfect three-foot tall potted fir tree at Bachmans.

I pulled out the tote full of ornaments that sat untouched in the garage last year, and gathered all the Stevie ornaments I got as gifts from people last Christmas. I had forgotten how many of them there were!  While I unwrapped ornaments, Dad put up some lights (and was apparently really happy about me taking a picture of him doing it, ha):


I wanted to eat something 'Christmas-y' while we decorated, but I also had a craving for bacon guacamole (seriously, so good). In the end we decided that guac is green like Christmas, so it worked:


We also busted out the first egg nog of the season:


And in no time at all, we were finished trimming our little tree:




Yes, it's small, a bit uneven, and kind of tips forward like it wants to fall over, but it's ours, and I love it. Baby steps, right?

Here's a little picture of you during your first (of what I hope is many) tree-trimming experiences:


Even if all we get is a sorta merry Christmas this year, I'll be grateful. Sure beats a crappy Christmas, right? :)

I love you, Little E. Can't wait to see you again on Tuesday!

XOXO,
Mom

PS. I had a lot of people ask about the mother nest necklaces I've been making, so I decided to put them up on Etsy! If you are interested in ordering one for yourself or someone you know, click here to go to my little shop. I still need a shop name (Foxy Lady is my default screen name for like everything, and no it's not because I think I'm hot stuff, it's after my dog Foxy!) The necklaces are a nice way to include any lost babies. I made one for myself and actually included four eggs--one for Stevie, one for Elliot, and one for each of my dogs (yes, I am obsessed with my dogs). Anyway, check it out if you want! Thanks!

 
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