Thursday, January 6, 2011

Beating Hearts

Dear Stevie,

I've been having trouble sleeping at night.

Foxy and Jackie (our Toy Poodles, pictured below) sleep in our bed with us every night. Usually Foxy prefers to sleep on my face, or right next to my face, on my pillow, and Jackie likes to cuddle up against my stomach under the covers. I know, I know, they are totally spoiled. But I don't care. I love having them in bed with us.


Anyway, back to my sleep troubles.

For the last month or so, pretty much every night, I wake up at around 3:00am in somewhat of a panic. I have this horrible feeling that something has happened to the dogs. I have to put my hands over each of their chests and feel their little hearts beating before I can fall back asleep. Sometimes I even shake them a bit, just enough so that they squirm a little and I can be absolutely certain they are alive.

How messed up is that? It's like I'm so afraid of the things I love dying on me that it's literally keeping me awake at night. 

Oh how I wish I could go back to my naivety. Back to the time in my life when beating hearts didn't just stop for no good reason. Back to before my little girls' did. Stop beating, that is. 

Nearly eight months out and I'm still reeling.

I miss you. 

Mom

14 comments:

Missy said...

Night terrors. Not fun! May your fears be eased. ~Much love

My New Normal said...

I do that with my husband. He snores, and I used to treasure those moments in the night when he would stop snoring. But now when he's not snoring I check to make sure he's still breathing.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one doing this.

Mary said...

The nightmares aren't fun. I'm so sorry you're still reeling, I don't think it ever really goes away. Many hugs to you!

Tiffany said...

:'( this post hit home. i do the same. i will wake up and listen to make sure that dh is still breathing. it's so difficult trying to live after your little one has passed away. after your little one's heart has stopped beating, after they are gone. i wish we didn't have to go through this. ((hugs))

Jus and Kat said...

I did that with our daughter in her first months. I would place my hand on her chest to make sure that she was still breathing. Sometimes, I would even touch her and gently jostle her until she actually moved.

Jessica said...

So sorry that you are going through this. Another BLM just wrote about how beating hearts shouldn't just stop. How wrong it is. I agree with you both that's it's awful. I understand you being worried about your dogs. You love them. I am sorry you aren't sleeping well. I hope it all gets better - much MUCH love to you! <3

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

I too am sorry to hear about the sleepless nights, and I get it. Life just never is the same again after one's baby dies - sometimes for the worse, and sometimes for the better.

But I smiled at picturing your dogs close to you each night. My cat is often close by to me when I sleep. And while some nights his closeness feels annoying and confining (cuz he can really hog the bed for his little size), overall I am so thankful for his warmth, beating heart, and (mostly) loving presence in my life. :)

I hope you're able to rest well again soon. Much love to you.

Antoinette said...

I sleep with the boo n coco too. coco is sick as you know, and every attack she has i swear its 'the one'.....Ive always been afraid of it, but now im certain its going to happen and she has about 3 episodes a night....(((hugs))) I wish you didnt have to worry like this..its so not fair on top of losing a baby to have this fear forever...i even am scared something will happen to anthony at any given time...sigh...xoxo

E. Lane said...

Ahw Kristen, I'm sorry hun.

Kerri said...

:( Love to you.

Jess said...

Hi, I just found your blog through a mutual friend's. Just wanted to drop in and say hi! I look forward to following you. Hope your panics at night go away.

~Jess
http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/

Melissa said...

Proud of you for barreling through the sleepless nights w/o meds but glad I have them.

Our spoiled pups get to sleep in the bed too.

I wonder if I'll have to go through this once I stop the sleep meds?

*sigh*

Kennedy Ink said...

I do that same thing with my dog! I had a few thoughts before of those I love being in trouble, but now it's pretty commonplace for me to hold my breath at night while I wait for my dog or my husband to take their next breath.

Lucid Anne said...

I do that with my husband- I will shake him, or put my hand on his chest to see if he is breathing. :\ It sucks that we are so very aware of the fragility of life.

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