I think I am going through some sort of quarter-life crisis or something. Seriously. There are three main things I am feeling these days:
1. Good. Honestly, I haven't cried in weeks. I can count the number of "sad days" in the last couple months on one hand. I've heard pregnancy and birth announcements, seen pictures of baby girls, ran into moms with newborns at the store...and been totally fine. I'm not sure what happened, but it was like on January 1st, some switch was bumped and I went back to the person I was before any of this ever happened. Before I was pregnant. Before you died.
2. Guilty. What kind of person am I? How can I be feeling so goddamn normal when my own child died less than a year ago? I woke up this morning to a bunch of facebook notifications. I thought to myself, "why is everyone putting hearts and 'thinking of you's' on my wall today?" When I realized it's the 8th today, your nine-month "birthday," I felt beyond awful. Strangers on the internet realized today was a special day for you before your own mother. FAIL.
3. Lost and confused. I don't know what I want, or who I am anymore. For the last 8 months or so, the only thing I've really wanted was to be pregnant again. I was convinced I would not feel "good" or "normal" again until I was. But now...I do feel good. I do feel normal (well, as normal as I ever did!).
For the longest time I didn't have the desire to do much of anything but stay in the house, sit on the couch, and immerse myself in 'babyloss' things. Now, I want to get out and do something almost all the time. I've been having a great time being young and having fun. To the point where I'm thinking I may go back to my original "plan" of having babies when I was 27 (I'm 25 now). I was so used to being sad, I forgot how good "good" feels. Am I crazy for wanting to enjoy this phase of my life for a couple more years? The song "Queen of the World" by Ida Maria (video at the bottom of this post) kind of sums up how I've been feeling:
I'm the queen of the world I bump into things I spin around in circles And I am singing And I'm singing well I'm singing Why can't I stay like this Dear God Oh, Let me be young Let me stay please Oh, Let me stay like this
I've just been freaking out about the fact that my life is literally a third of the way over, and what have I done? There are things I want to do, places I want to see. Experiences I want to, well, experience. Am I going to wake up 50 years old and regret that I didn't do them when I had the chance?
Please, someone tell me I'm not a total psycho.
I miss you baby mine.