Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Quarter Life Crisis

Dear Stevie,
I think I am going through some sort of quarter-life crisis or something. Seriously. There are three main things I am feeling these days:

1. Good. Honestly, I haven't cried in weeks. I can count the number of "sad days" in the last couple months on one hand. I've heard pregnancy and birth announcements, seen pictures of  baby girls, ran into moms with newborns at the store...and been totally fine. I'm not sure what happened, but it was like on January 1st, some switch was bumped and I went back to the person I was before any of this ever happened. Before I was pregnant. Before you died.

2. Guilty. What kind of person am I? How can I be feeling so goddamn normal when my own child died less than a year ago? I woke up this morning to a bunch of facebook notifications. I thought to myself, "why is everyone putting hearts and 'thinking of you's' on my wall today?" When I realized it's the 8th today, your nine-month "birthday," I felt beyond awful. Strangers on the internet realized today was a special day for you before your own mother. FAIL.

3. Lost and confused. I don't know what I want, or who I am anymore. For the last 8 months or so, the only thing I've really wanted was to be pregnant again. I was convinced I would not feel "good" or "normal" again until I was. But now...I do feel good. I do feel normal (well, as normal as I ever did!).

For the longest time I didn't have the desire to do much of anything but stay in the house, sit on the couch, and immerse myself in 'babyloss' things. Now, I want to get out and do something almost all the time. I've been having a great time being young and having fun. To the point where I'm thinking I may go back to my original "plan" of having babies when I was 27 (I'm 25 now). I was so used to being sad, I forgot how good "good" feels. Am I crazy for wanting to enjoy this phase of my life for a couple more years? The song "Queen of the World" by Ida Maria (video at the bottom of this post) kind of sums up how I've been feeling:

I'm the queen of the world
I bump into things
I spin around in circles
And I am singing
And I'm singing well I'm singing
Why can't I stay like this
Dear God
Oh, Let me be young
Let me stay please
Oh, Let me stay like this 

I've just been freaking out about the fact that my life is literally a third of the way over, and what have I done? There are things I want to do, places I want to see. Experiences I want to, well, experience. Am I going to wake up 50 years old and regret that I didn't do them when I had the chance?

Please, someone tell me I'm not a total psycho.

I miss you baby mine.



Morgan said...

This is a normal part of the process. I know you feel guilty for no longer crying when you hear or see new babies but it is a wonderful thing! Your daughter wouldn't want you to stop your life just to remember her she would want you to do what you are doing and move on but always keeping memories of her in your heart.
I have been following for quite some time and I am SO glad for you. Be happy about his not sad or guilty!

Tiffany said...

ah, the qtr life crisis. how i knew thee well. you have absolutely no reason to feel bad. honestly, you deserve to feel some happiness. you have had the unthinkable happen. it's about time to start feeling some joy. and i know that Stevie would want you to be happy too. btw, you have done SO much in your 25 yrs. look around at all of the good you have done, for others, all because of a little girl who's mother you just happen to be. your life is filled with accomplishment my friend. you have done more in 25 yrs than some do in their lifetime. you should definitely celebrate that. you are an inspiration, kristin. plain and simple. :)

Nlvaden said...

You should not feel guilty for anything that you are feeling, because no one has gone through what you have. Every loss is different to everyone. Everyone has a different way of coping. Ditto what Morgan said above. I am happy you have made it to this point!

Julie said...

every single one of these thoughts and feelings is normal. i've been feeling the first two a lot lately, but the idea of waiting makes me more and more anxious and terrified. hindsight is 20/20. if i'd known when i was 25 all the things we'd go through to have a baby and how long and uncertain the whole thing would be, i would have started right away. (oh, wait, i didn't meet my husband until i was 29...)

so i feel like i want to tell everyone NOT to wait, but i have to remind myself that most people don't need help getting pregnant, aren't dependent on insurance coverage to get that way, and won't lose their child. that advice i was given by so many people to enjoy my husband and not rush into children might be good for MOST people, but i feel more and more these days that it was a terrible idea for us.

i'm so glad you're feeling so good, and genuinely enjoying life. you deserve it.

Andrea said...

I remember this time of transition and you describe it so well. The emotions are so comingled and hard to sort out. It's moving forward, yet experiencing an identity crisis....life in the new normal, just another layer.

Be well sweet friend. I continue to pray for you always.


Betsy said...

Oh wow, I can definitely relate to this post.
I am feeling almost the exact same way right now. Olivia wasn't planned and we never thought we'd have kids so fast. It seems like everyone I met from the loss community that used to be at the same place as me is now actively TTC, and we keep going back and forth between feeling like we want to have another one NOW, and waiting a few years to just be a couple first.

vera kate said...

You're not a psycho Kristin, I swear. And any guilt you feel is false guilt... You have nothing to feel bad about! Forgetting that today is the 8th was DEFINITELY NOT a fail. It's very sweet that other people noticed the date, but I am convinced that Stevie loves you the same yesterday, today and tomorrow -- exactly how you love her.

Anyway, it's not like you've forgotten your daughter. You've simply remembered YOU. And that's fantastic, and I am so happy for you... and also, I am borrowing that music video because I've never heard that song before and I love it. So thanks for that.

Enjoy your life, girl. You deserve to be happy. xo -- vera kate

Leanne said...

I hope you can enjoy this time in your life!!! Embrace it!

Dannii said...

Kristin this post makes ME feel normal! Since i turned 25 Ive been thinking that same thing... have i wasted my life? what have i done? so dont feel like a psycho! BTW can i just remind you that you have STARTED A NON FOR PROFIT ORGANISATION WOMAN!!!! not to mention how much of a wonderful person you are with a ton of good friends... you are just wonderful and you have helped A LOT of women deal with the loss of their baby.. feel proud Kristin :)

Anonymous said...

I think this is wonderful, Kristin. I'm so glad you're feeling good, and hopeful that the guilt/confusion goes away soon. It's completely natural for those things to pop up, but that doesn't mean they're worthy of much attention.

Anonymous said...

You're not psycho, you're healthy. You have a new and deeper appreciation for life - drink long and deep.

Beth said...

big big big hugs. came across your blog thanks to steph at beyond words designs. you are not a psycho. thank you for grieving for your baby but also for healing. it is good.

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