Insecure

Dear Elliot,
Lately there have been many times when I just look at you and am totally overwhelmed with emotion. Like when I'm cuddling you before bed and you quietly play with my hands. Or right after nursing when you're grabbing my face with both of your hands and covering my cheeks with slobbery, open-mouthed baby 'kisses.' Or when you're fighting your afternoon naps while sitting on my stomach, and laughing and squealing in delight at every goofy noise I make. Or when I'm laying next to you, patting your tummy and singing 'Rockabye Sweet Baby James' and your eyes start rolling back into your head and you begin to snore as you drift off to sleep.

I look at you during those times and feel both completely filled with love, and completely inadequate. Or maybe insecure is a better word? You're just so amazing, so perfect, and I'm afraid I won't be able to give you everything you need; everything you deserve. Being your mom is the single most incredible thing that has ever happened to me, but honestly--it's also the scariest.

Sometimes it seems like no matter how many parenting books I read, how many hours of tummy time I make you have, how many stimulating activities I plan, how many well-written and age-appropriate books I read to you, how many quality toys I buy you, or how many cuddles, kisses, and 'I love you's' I give you each day, I always feel like I should be doing something more. Something better.

I'll come across things like '56 sensory play ideas for babies' and feel like I need to hurry up and do all 56 things. Like now. Seriously, the other night I saw something that mentioned how much babies like bubbles and almost had a meltdown thinking what kind of horrible mom I am to have been depriving my kid of the joy of bubbles for all this time. I may have even grabbed for my phone in a panic and set a 'BUY BUBBLES!!!!' reminder for the very next morning.

Maybe it's the perfectionist in me. Maybe it's that I just love you so freaking much. Probably both. But that desire to do everything 'right' is so overwhelming sometimes. The logical part of my mind knows I'm being silly, that I'm a great mom, that a lack of bubble play isn't going to somehow stunt your growth and development, that I'm doing the best I can. But there's always that annoying little voice in the back of my head that whispers, "what if your best isn't good enough?"

I look at you, with your sweet, innocent, totally trusting little smile and I just want to do right by you.

I want to give you the world. A bigger house, a nicer car, the coolest toys that money can buy.

I guess I'll just have to settle for giving you all the love in my heart.

You are so special, so cherished, so very precious to me. When I get all annoying and over-the-top with this stuff, please remember--that's why :)

XOXO,
Mom