Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My Christmas List

Dear Stevie,
People keep asking me what I want for Christmas this year. Truth is, the only thing I really want this year is for this stupid holiday to just go away. Christmas 2010, you can go ahead and join Mother's Day, Father's Day, the Fourth of July, Halloween, and your good buddy Thanksgiving over there in the corner and leave me the hell alone.

Since I'm quite certain the 'what do you want for Christmas' question isn't going to go away anytime soon, I thought I'd come up with a few gift suggestions I could actually use this holiday season. You know, just in case Santa happens to be reading my blog.

1. Kleenex, for all the crying I'll surely be doing. If you want to make it really special, you can get me a couple boxes of that expensive 8-ply stuff that is super thick and smells like fancy lotion. A few travel packs for my purse would be nice, too, so the next time I'm in the middle of Target and see a 'baby's first Christmas' ornament, I have something to sob into (other than my poor jacket sleeve).

2. Noise-canceling headphones, to drown out all the happy Christmas music playing everywhere I go. Seriously, if I have to hear the phrase 'it's the most wonderful time of the year' one more time, I'm going to freak. More like 'it's the most depressing, heartbreaking time of the year,' if you ask me.

3. Red wine. Lots of it. Seriously, how else am I supposed to get through this month??

4. A concussion. A little bit of memory loss would be nice, so I can stop thinking about how wonderful my life was this month a year ago (it's when we found out about you!)

5. A vacation. A completely isolated tropical island would be ideal.

6. My baby girl back.

Is that too much to ask?

Love you, Baby.


PS. Thanks everyone for all your sweet and supportive comments on my last post. Thanksgiving was just as bad as I anticipated it would be, but it helps so much to know I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. Thanks for sticking with me, even through the yucky bitter times. Love you all!


Klare Family said...


I remember my first Christmas without my girls Hope and Grace. It was FULL of tears. Especially when beautiful music played. I sobbed, and there was no stopping. I cried especially hard in church while i was praying. I just wanted God to give me them to hold!
But there were a few things I found comfort in.
And I thought I would share, to help.
First, and foremost pray.
Continue to cry it out. Say out loud, " I MISS YOU!" and keep on crying. Somehow, when i did this i could literally feel my girls giving me the bear hug i needed!
Remember she is always with you.
She is in Heaven listening to you and catching every tear.
Imagine her perspective on things, what she is seeing from Heaven and what she is doing during this Holiday
And keep close to your family. Allow them to shower you in love and be your comfort.
Nothing will ever stop the tears, but the tears will evolve from the hurt and pain in missing her into a JOY of being her mother. i promise.

God Bless,

Tiffany said...

'it's the most depressing, heartbreaking time of the year' for me too. ((hugs)) Christmas can go "kick rocks" this yr. your list sounds great. it definitely encompasses everything i will be asking for this yr too. sending you lots of ♥ the next couple of weeks.

Angie said...

I hope Santa brings lots and lots of wine and two tickets to an all inclusive trip to Fiji!


Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

I am SO not looking forward to this Christmas! Last Christmas was hard...really hard, and I don't anticipate this one being any easier. Thinking of and praying for you girl!


Lindsay said...

That was my list...exactly...last year. It was my first year without Ayden, and I hated every part of Christmas. We didn't decorate. We didn't buy gifts. We didn't go out and expose ourselves to the happiness of the season that was plastered EVERYWHERE. I wanted it to just go away....and I wanted to disappear. I'm so sorry...

I don't really know what to say because nothing will make it better. But, just know that you're not alone. Having our children back would be the best gift would trump every holiday!

This is our 2nd Christmas without Ayden, and while it is a little easier...we will never feel complete without him. The holidays will never be as happy as they used to be. I hate facing each year knowing we're missing out on yet another without him. It just isn't fair.

Hang in there, take care of yourself. Getting away sounds lovely....

Erin said...

I don't know what else to say except that I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, Kristin. I read your Thanksgiving post a few days late, so I never commented, but I'm so sorry the holidays are so hard for you. It really sucks that you aren't able to enjoy a time that should have been full of good memories and new things and now is just full of pain. It just sucks.

Please know that I'm thinking of and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I want those things for Xmas too. AND MY BIRTHDAY in two weeks. :O Ugh. :(

Wyatt's Mommie said...

I couldn't have summed up a BLM's christmas list any better. Nice work!!! I think that anyone who loses a child should have a "get out of the holidays free" pass, and it should be good for all holidays for as many years necessary.

I feel you on the Christmas music. My most annoying right now is the song "All I want for Christmas.." Really, that is what you want, that is what is most important to you, your teeth? I would go toothless just to have my baby back.

Thinking of you.... <3

butterflymom said...

Dear Kristin,
I will hope that the month goes fast for you...and that there is something that makes your heart feel a little better. ((hugs and love))

Rhiannon said...

I second your list...people have been looking at me crazy when I tell them that we are boycotting the holidays in my house. As if we could be celebrating...celebrating what?? We should have our babies here and we don't, it is so heartbreaking. (((hugs)))

Shannon said...

I feel the same way you do all I want is my baby too my baby would be 2 months old on the 10 of this month. Its hard I cry everytime I see a baby. I'm hoping this month goes very quickly

Kerri said...

Ah sweet Kristin, I wish I could give you a hug right now.

I also wish I could send you some of this really good Washington wine that we have. But I'd want to send a case and I'd have to come drink it with you and, well, you see where this is going. :)

I don't know what to say, I've never been in your shoes, but I want you to know you are loved very much.

rebecca said...

I'll take your list as well please & is very hard to be in the Holiday spirit this year. Sending love and thoughts your way and hoping for peace & strength for all of us in the coming weeks.

Jessica said...

Ooo hon I wish I could give you your sweet girl back and all the other things you asked for... if only it were that easy. I wish it was. (((hugs)))

Melissa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melissa said...

most sarcastic sounding christmas song this year?

"have yourself a merry little chrismas...from now on your troubles will be miles away..."

really? don't think so. whoever wrote that song must have been extremely hopeful...or more likely high...

Jersa said...

So I started to write on your last post and then Rocky pushed a button and goodbye. So I will start over now that you have a new post to comment on.
I usually can't understand or relate to how you feel. I think this time of year I get it the most. Being a traditionalist through and through I wouldn't feel like celebrating the usual. Everything was suppose to be different this season. Instead there is a large part missing and a whole part that is not what it is suppose to be. It is not suppose to be a christmas dinner w/ a 'lucky underwear' present opening. It is suppose to be breast feeding and a new diaper bag b/c Andy keeps complaining about how girly that Nordy one is. :)
I love Christmas time and I only want to do what you would like. This year I will bring you 3 Buck Chuck and tissues b/c that is something from your list I can do. It is not fair.
K, you should ask for and do whatever you want. P.S. Make yourself some sweet wide leg PJs to watch TV in, that might help for the good days and the bad.

Patty said...

Kristin, thoughts and prayers are with you. You are NOT crazy. This will be our 2nd year without our granddaughter McKenna so we all know how you are feeling. Really understand your feelings from your thanksgiving blog about families. It is really hard to be around those that do not even mention McKenna's name as if she never even existed. Stay close to those that let you feel like you can cry, scream or whatever you need to do for you. I know that Stevie is so very proud of all that you have done in her name.

The Griegers said...

This post made me laugh and cry at the same time. I feel for you. If you dont mind, I am going to borrow your list for my blog :)

E&M's mommy said...

I've been following your blog for awhile now- but have never commented before. I'm so sorry for your pain - and that it's so heartbreaking to try to get through the holiday season - that what is "normal" for others is causing you so much heartbreak and pain.

I wish you luck navigating the holiday season - rock out to your iPod where ever you may go- and enjoy that wine with your hubby- make a toast to Stevie and a better 2011.

I would say happy holidays, but instead I'll just send up a prayer for you.

Jules said...

Your post brought a tear to my eyes, I was pregnant last December, but I lost that baby, the last couple of days have already been bring back memories and tears.

I'm another one that has been lurking in the background, but I wanted to say something, but I doubt their are appropriate words. It's heartbreaking, it shouldn't happen. I wish you all the best

dhammer said...

Hi Kristin -

I know sometimes I feel like telling people to go piss up a rope when they ask me what I want for Christmas. I want to sit at home with my children...all of them. I want to pull out my hair because they are ALL driving me nuts. I don't want to spend my day off with people that ignore my feelings. I don't want to spend the holidays with the one-upper and the thunder stealer.

I am glad you posted...I know we don't know each other but I think of you often and pray for you daily.


Lisette said...

((HUGS)) and more ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog since September and have never made a comment. I had our daughter in August at 23 weeks... Her due date was December 25- I am not looking forward to Christmas this year....I can relate to your Christmas List.
Thanks for sharing,

Lori said...

I'm just going to echo every exact word that Lindsay said.

Yep. We went straight from being THANKFUL at Thanksgiving to a funeral a week later. And then everyone and their uncle loving, loving, loving the snow and the holiday and everything being PERFECT. I was SO mad at the world--how could they be ok with things when was OVER?

Every Christmas card that came came with 5 more "We're so sorry" cards.
Yeah, not as sorry as I was.

Don't have any magic words either, other than you are not alone in all the feelings you are having and wishes for so many different things you are making. Do as you want or don't want and let anyone who has any commentary on what you SHOULD be doing or not doing drive up a tree.


Angie said...

Kristin, I feel so blessed to have met you in our time of sorrow. I admire your strength and the incredible movement you have started with Faces. I was given the Cherry On Top Blog Award, and want to pass it along to you. Check out my latest post when you get a chance and spread the love xo

Maggie said...

Kristin, I'm so sorry. The holidays are tough, especially the first one. I'm pretty sure Christmas came last year and I'm almost sure that I kind of acknowledged it, at least with just my husband, but other than that, I could really give two craps about it then. I'll be thinking of you and Stevie this year and holding you close. XO

Jenny said...

Kristin - I've only just started exploring this sad blogging community and came across your blog today. Yours is particularly heartbreaking and familiar to me as I lost my baby girl at almost the same gestation. I've also been writing to my little girl since I lost her six weeks ago, but am not brave enough to share those writing with anyone else. I admire you for having the strength to do so.

Poor Lucky Me said...

Hi Kristin-
Tom and i are getting out of town. Our families were dissapointed but we have to do what's best for our broken hearts. LA, Las Vegas, we come! Suck it Christmas!

Leanne said...

Kristin, changes are you've stumbled across this blog before, but on the off-chance that you haven't, I wanted to share it with you. Particularly this one post that gives the summary of their story.

Many of the things she said reminded me of you, so I wanted to share it with you in case you had never seen it. Hugs!

Grace said...

I have been following your blog off and on for the last few months. I came across it just randomly off of someone else's bloglist. I just wanted to stop by and say hi. I can't say that I understand your pain, but I did want to let you know how brave I think you are to share it with the world. I hope that one day the pain will be replaced with a little baby who will make you smile again even if they won't completely replace Stevie. I send you cyber hugs and hope that you get through the holidays ok.

Lady Shannon said...

Kristin, I have been reading your blog for months but neve rhad the guts to post for fear you would think it was silly. I just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts everyday.

Shannon (bbc mamma maof5boys)

delaney's mom said...

christmas was supposed to be spent with my two little girls this year. what i wouldn't give to have a new baby to buy christmas presents for. good luck.

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