Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Another Day

Dear Stevie,
I feel like I've recently took a turn for the worst. I've just been in a really sad place for the last couple weeks, and it's not looking like I'm going to emerge from it until after the holidays are over. It's actually kind of strange. I haven't cried in weeks, but I haven't felt much at all. I feel numb. Apathetic. Like the life has just been sucked out of me. I've been super busy at work, and I've been able to get everything I need to get done, done. But when I'm not working, all I want to do is lay in bed and watch my shows on Netflix.

I am dreading this next month. Absolutely dreading it. I don't want to do Thanksgiving. I want to skip Christmas. And then when I think about not celebrating either, that makes me sad too. You know I try so hard to be positive all the time, but right now, my life just sucks. This just really, really sucks. I don't want to do any of this without you, Baby.

I was planning on spending tomorrow (Thanksgiving) with my mom and dad and little brother. But now, on top of everything else, my grandma is not doing well at all (they just moved her into a hospice care facility), and my family will be out of town this weekend visiting her. I know I could spend tomorrow with Dad's side of the family, but frankly, I'm just not up to it. With my family, I would feel okay crying at the dinner table if I needed to, and my parents would totally get why I wasn't in a happy, festive mood. If I were to go to the in-law's Thanksgiving tomorrow, no one would mention you. No one would understand why I was sad. I would feel like a weirdo, like a major Debbie Downer if I were to have some sort of emotional breakdown in front of them. I hope this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings that might be reading this (because both of our families are great). I'm just not brave enough or strong enough to spend such a painful, emotionally-trying day with a lot of extended family members I am not very close with. I wish I was, but I'm not I guess.

So I will pretend like tomorrow is just another day. I'll stay in my pajamas, maybe order a pizza, and watch some more of my shows. I'll survive Thanksgiving, but I won't enjoy it. I really hate that this is what my life has been reduced to, but it is what it is, right?

I'm sure some of you out there are thinking I'm being overly dramatic. Thing is, I'm actually ashamed I feel like this. I truly wish I didn't.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

Love,
Mom

Ps. If you would, please keep my grandma (and the rest of my family) in your thoughts and/or prayers. It's been really hard, especially for my mom, to see her suffer. Thanks so much.

31 comments:

Sadkitty said...

I don't think you are being over dramatic at all. I feel the same way. We are avoiding everyone too. I wish I could sleep until its the new year. Anything has to be better than this year.

Trena said...

((hugs)) Saying prayers for your family and thinking of you. I know exactly how you feel...the holidays just aren't as joyful.

Rhiannon said...

I know exactly how you feel. There is so much to be thankful for but I am just not there. Thinking of you and your family and sending lots of love, hugs, and support.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you, Kristin. You can come on over to our house in Rochester! You can be my mysterious new friend and no one would know a thing except me since I follow your heartache and celebrations daily. You poor thing. If I've learned anything in my 38 years, it's that life is a roller coaster with peaks and valleys. It's so hard to see out of the valleys and ride out those peaks while they last. At the same time, a movie marathon in your jammies with pizza could be just what you need. It's OK to be sad and to feel that pain. Who cares about eating turkey. I can't imagine the ache you feel over Stevie and now your Grandma too. It's perfectly OK. So many people can relate. The holidays bring with it so many unrealistic expectations. I was in the grocery store last night and had to cover my ears thru the aisles with all the X-mas music already. It's so darn cheerful and ridiculous sometimes! I haven't lost a child so I can't begin to pretend to relate but please know that there is an army of people that care about you, wish you well, celebrate with you and cry with you. You are not alone. You will get thru this. You'll be OK. We're all thinking about you and rooting for you and ready to pull you out of the darkness when you are ready. This too shall pass. You are only human and you're going to have setbacks. It's OK. Bless you and hang in there. - Amy

Angie said...

I'm right there with you. We're going out to Boise to spend Thanksgiving with my husband's family and my parents are coming with us. I am so grateful for our families, they will be okay with me having break downs and will not ignore my son's missing presence from the dinner table.

I wish I could spend the entire weekend in bed watching season after season of SVU :) I will be thinking of you and your family. xo

Angela said...

No shame allowed, friend. You feel what you feel and hold your head high. I'm in the same place as you. Pajamas and pizza for Thanksgiving day. Like you I'm doing my best to survive the holidays. I'm sorry Stevie isn't here with you this Thanksgiving.

Courtney said...

Sending you so much love & hugs my friend. I remember last year when I was dealing with the same feelings. It's just so incredibly hard and I wish none of us had to feel this way and know this heartache that we do.

Keeping your family close to my heart constantly.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Just to echo everyone else - how you feel is how you feel. We put so much pressure on ourselves (and pressure we feel from others too, even if they are unknowingly pressuring us) to be "OK" and happy, especially at the holidays. Holidays are hard for so many of us, for so many different reasons. I'm glad to hear you're doing what you need to do to take care of you. I've found I need to be my strongest advocate because no one else truly knows what I want/need, and that can be so hard to do when there are family and friends that might want us to do things differently.

Much love to you and Stevie, and the rest of your family.

Tiffany said...

your grandmother will be in my thoughts and prayers.

add me to the list of people who will be in their pjs during thanksgiving. i know exactly how you feel. here's hoping that thanksgiving is gentle on both of us (and all the BLMs out there). you are always close to my heart ((hugs))

Bethany said...

Sending MUCH LOVE your way Kristin. Wish I could give you big hugs in person, but instead I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. And if it makes any difference... I am THANKFUL to have (virtually) found you, and faces of loss... you have made a difference in my life, and in my ongoing grieving process. (((hugs)))

Pam said...

Kristin: I just feel so badly for you that I want to cry but that won't help you and that makes me sad. Hang in there. The holidays are always hard. I lost my only sibling and best friend 22 years ago today (it was thanksgiving day the year he died) and even after all this time it is still a struggle. You learn to accept and deal with it but you will never learn to like it.

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Kristin, I'm saying a prayer for your grandma right now! I hope that she gets well soon. I'm also praying for you. I hate that you have to spend Thankgiving alone, and I hate even more that you're having to feel this way. I know what you are feeling too well, and I agree with you...it SUCKS. :( Wish there was something I could do to make it better, or to change it girl. <3 Love to you.

Jodi said...

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I too, just want to crawl in bed and come out Jan 1st.
XO

dhammer said...

Hi Kristen -

Holidays are incredibly hard. Don't be so down on yourself...what you are going through is so difficult for most people to understand. I hope you feel better soon and I am praying for your Grandma.

<3 Danielle

Princess Andy said...

shame shouldn't be a word that escapes your lips, my dear.

you are most certainly entitled to deal as you see fit.

my comfort food is chinese food...because nothing beats a hot chicken ball;)

also, jammies EVERY day sounds fabulous. even when you're not feeling like shit, fleece is teh awesome.

take care, and good thoughts for your family in this extra difficult time re: your grandmother.

<3 andrea

Mirne said...

I feel numb and apathetic some days too. Unfortunately it's part of grieving mum territory. I hope you struggle through the holiday period. I do my best to ignore the cheerful people around this time of the year.

Jessica said...

We all have our days Krisin. Baby loss sucks and you should not feel bad at all about not wanting to celebrate Thanksgiving. You know what is best for YOU and you are embracing that. That take strength too. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and so will your grandma. My grandma was just in the hospital too. I know it can be scary. Much love to you <3

Lisette said...

Praying and wishing you peace tomorrow. I know it isn't easy. How I wish Stevie was here with you this holiday.

Praying for your Grandma and the rest of your family ((HUGS)).

Jenny said...

I'm so sorry. When I posted on your facebook to have a wonderful Thanksgiving, I sincerely meant it. I was hoping you'd be able to enjoy the day. :( I didn't know about your grandmother or that things have been rough again lately. I'm so sorry. I know the grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I wish you lived closer, I'd let you join us and borrow my family. They wouldn't mind the tears. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and praying for your grandma <3

Stephanie said...

Yep, If I were closer, I would suggest hanging out together in PJ's . . .possibly have a cry fest and watch an obscene amount of TV. That is exactly what is called for.

You are not alone. . . really ~ I think that so many of us are feeling the same (as I read all the comments above). Life is hard ~ it sucks. I too am just wanting to run away right now. NO one gets it, and I have to put on a 'happy face' for our kids. But honestly, I could care less. I just want to hole up here too and be alone, or at least with someone else who GETS IT. I am tired of being so darn tired and apathetic and I too am wondering just how long this will end up lasting.

I actually announced to my husband today that I don't want to even put up decorations. For me, that is a huge deal. Usually, it takes me three days to do it all. Now, I just want to get to the other side.

I will keep your grandma and mom in my prayers and thoughts too. I am sorry that she is ill.

Love Letter's Baby said...

Dear Stevies mom~ Please know you are not alone in your PJ wearing Thanksgiving.Thank you for writing it all out for those of us that are facing the holidays with loss; for sharing your voice,inspiring others, and being brave in penning what you feel. Prayers for you and yours duirng this trying time.

Hearts,Rockets & Angel Wings ~ Owens Mom

PS: Ham & Pineapple for us tomorrow

Antoinette said...

move over on your couch and make room for me...WHO EVER thinks you are being dramatic never lost a child and spent the first holidays with out them wondering WHY this is the way it is...My heart is with you and I will be thinking of you and hoping Foxy is licking your tears just like Boo N Coco did for me today.....xoxo...love you

Franchesca said...

You are NOT being dramatic. My first holiday season without Jenna was brutal. I felt exactly like that- numb and the life just sucked out of me. We skipped Christmas with family, and i honestly cannot remember Thanksgiving.. that's how much of a blur it was.

Today i was pulling out Christmas ornaments and it felt like I hadn't done it in years. I did it all last year as a means to survive but I don't remember enjoying it. I actually enjoyed it a little this time. Hang in there Kristin, you are an amazing woman, a beautiful mother and even the strongest of women can feel weak. Your honesty speaks volumes. Love to you.

Lori said...

There are lots of words to characterize you...but dramatic, and surely over-dramatic are not included.

You are honest. Your heart hurts. It should. You are without your precious baby girl and are supposed to be able to not only muddle through the hurt and horror of that on a regular basis, you are somehow supposed to also be able to muster up lots of reasons for thankfulness and gratitude.

Which is not to say that you don't have them--as you have so eloquently been sharing with us in the last several weeks and months.

It's just to say that sometimes, forced gratitude is just hard. And by forced, I mean that instead of taking each blessing for what it's worth as it comes, it's days like this when our society insists we set aside some time...for those of us who realize that we just have to cry when we feel we need to cry and be thankful and grateful when we are feeling grateful and thankful--it's sort of hard to muster up any extra because it's the day to do so.

I think it's the day to do what you need to do...and if that's stay in your pajamas and order pizza, so be it.
Sending you lots and lots and lots more love.

Molly King said...

I hate to say I know how you feel but I think I do. I lost my son August 22 and have been dreading the holidays. I made it through my husband's side of the family's lunch but when I got to my parent's house and saw my mom with my sweet neice I lost it. I cried out of control and ended up having to leave. It's so hard and I really thought I would be able to get through today with being "debbie downer" but it just wasn't possible. I am having second thoughts about even trying to attempt Christmas.
THank you for writing this blog. You are an inspiration!

Melissa said...

ha. I don't think you're being over dramatic, I am insanely jealous of you. It's been kinda stressful to fake it nonstop around the family/friends for the last 5 days. Good choice.

Wife, Mother, and Daughter said...

I don't think you are being overly dramatic at all. You are so strong and I will be praying for your family!

Michelle said...

Way to take care of yourself, Krisin! I applaud you!!! I wish I'd have learned this many years ago :-) And you're right - the holidays for anyone grieving suck. They just do. I remember a Christmas several years ago that was especially tough, and I wanted to throw somthing at the TV every time a sappy, romantic commercial came on. Just remember that no matter what the TV or society is telling you about how great the holidays are, you are NOT ALONE in feeling the opposite. In fact, I'd guess that there are more people than not that struggle with the holidays for one reason or another: grief, loss, family dysfunction etc... Just keep taking care of YOU in whatever way is right for you.

Holly said...

We are absolutely entitled to do whatever it takes to make it thru the holidays. ((hug))

butterflymom said...

Hoping the Thanksgiving holiday wasn't that horrible...and hoping that the days ahead get easier, although I know it may be difficult. Remember to always feel whatever you have to feel...you have the right. ((hugs))

Valarie said...

Thinking of you...I completely understand. Nothing you ever feel about your baby for the rest of your life is "overly dramatic", just know that. My baby that I lost was supposed to be due on Thanksgiving Day. No one mentioned it all day. My mother-in-law even included someone in the blessing who I had never heard of. It was a hard day, and it's so much harder when you feel like no one remembers what kind of horrible year you have had. I was so looking forward to having my baby on Thanksgiving...no idea why I wasn't given that chance. I'm hoping I will have a baby to hold by next Thanksgiving. Kristin, please know how many people care about you; you are not alone. I hope that Christmas won't be as hard as you think...although, what kind of person would you be if you weren't sad? Remember that. xoxo

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