Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Screw Spring

Dear Stevie,
For the first time in my entire life, I do not have spring fever.

Yes, I will enjoy the warmer weather. Yes, I am looking forward to the lack of snow. Yes, I will not miss the nasty salt stains all over my shoes. And yes, the dogs will definitely appreciate being able to go out on a walk longer than 45-seconds before turning into 5-pound furry icicles. But really, I'm kind of dreading spring.

This whole being light out until after 7PM thing is kind of messing with me. Winter gave me the permission to be lazy and hole up in my bedroom with my Netflix and my yoga pants right after work. I mean, it was pitch dark outside at like 4:45PM, it only seemed natural to do absolutely nothing at that point. Winter fits my current mood. Spring does not.

I am hating all this crap about 'new life,' and 'new beginnings' and blah, blah, blah.  I wish I could write an inspiring post about how I am blossoming and growing into this beautiful new person, or that I am ready to emerge from my cocoon and fly free like a butterfly or something. Maybe after May 8th (your first birthday, which I hate to admit I am just dreading) rolls around, I'll be ready to spread my wings (or something equally as cheesy). But for now, I'd like a couple more months of hibernation.

I read this post from last spring and it just makes me so damn sad.

I had written, "Easter is all about hope, fresh starts, and new life--and I couldn't help but keep thinking about you all day and how you are really bringing all these things into our lives. A brand new chapter in our lives is about to begin, and I am so incredibly excited to see where it takes us."

I never in a million years thought this next chapter of my life would turn out the way it did. If I would have known, I wouldn't have been 'so incredibly excited' about it, that's for sure.

Sorry to be such a downer, baby.

I miss you. I miss that fresh feeling of hope that I had one year ago.



Brooke said...

I can totally relate to this. I just posted yesterday about the snow we got and how appropriate it felt. Delay spring as long as possible--I'm so not ready for it.

butterflymom said...

Sometimes wanting something such as the hope of new beginnings or even warmer weather can bring added pressure for things to be "better" or "happier." I know it will be hard for you, Kristin. Hoping there is something that can help ease this time for you.... Hang in there and know that you are loved and supported. ((hugs))

Brie said...

Kristin, the first year after losing Denise was hardest for me...the closer it got to the year anniversary,the more I dreaded it..The day itself was not all that I made it up to be in my head, and I sure hope that when May 8th rolls around, you get through it with the same grace you have shown all of us in this first year since losing your daughter. There are always going to be "miss you days" for the rest of our lives..there are always going to be " moving ahead" days as well. The trick it to find balance with the two--and I really think you have been such an inspiration and good role model for women across the world who have shared our shoes..Hang in there...Spring & Stevie's first birthday will be here & over before you know it..

The Griegers said...

Hugs to you...Dash's first birthday is coming up too, I'm hoping I may be able to take a deep breath after too. In all truth though, I know we will always hurt for our babies and their birthdays and due dates will never be easy. So happy to have all of you to go through this journey with <3

Missy said...

Down in the depths of dark with you mama. If only time would stand still, or better yet go backwards. All my love~

Kelly Jean said...

Maybe the fact that spring is inevitably coming will help jumpstart you out of your funk, sweetie. It's almost impossible not to feel a bit hopeful once the weather turns. I can't imagine what you're going through, but knowing you (through your blogs), you'll be singing a different, more optimistic, tune shortly. I'm looking forward to that. :D

Anonymous said...

Last night I sat at the table and thought....do I have to be happy until 8pm now??? The winter brings a much needed break and reason to lean into the void...darkness and cold. I cant seem to find my pep either Kristen.. maybe we can just draw the blinds for a few months???

Lisette said...


Lori said...

Wish I had magic words for you....sending you love....

Brittany said...

It seems like every time you have a new post it mirrors what I am feeling. I lost my little boy May 31 of last year. So, I'm sitting here remembering how I felt in March of last year when the weather was so nice and clean. It brings back the memories of something new. It hurts remembering those feelings and then they fill up the emptiness I have now, but then the bottom drops out because JT is gone. You aren't alone in not wanting May though. We can't stop time unfortunately. You are so not alone.

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