Me.

Dear Readers,

I am currently participating in a 4-week online photography class, called 'Illuminate,' put on by the wonderful Beryl of Be Young Photography. It's a class specifically designed for babyloss moms, and so far I'm totally loving it. Beryl is going to be doing another Illuminate class in August, and I definitely recommend signing up if you're looking for a unique way to both process your grief and develop a new skill/passion. Anyway, I thought I would share my first assignment for the class (a self-portrait) here, so here ya go! -Kristin

Dear Stevie,

I’ve written countless letters to you over the last year and a half. Letters filled with nervousness, excitement, and unbelievable joy during the six months we had together. Letters filled with questions, anger, and incredible sadness during the weeks right after you died. And, during the last few months, letters containing a mix of pretty much every other emotion you can think of–happiness, sorrow, yearning, shame, silliness, weakness, thankfulness, jealousy, confusion, renewed strength, and even a little bit of hope thrown in the mix.

When I think of where and who I am today, I realize I can’t boil it down to one word. Or even close. These days, my state of being changes so often, sometimes I go to bed feeling like I’ve got a serious case of whiplash. In one 24-hour period, I can experience such a wide range of emotions–sometimes even at the same time. I can be totally happy, in a great mood, then I see a little girl with curly hair and big blue eyes and my heart stops. I’m sad. Then I get a funny text from a friend or one of my dogs does something silly, and I’m laughing. Then someone at work asks me when we’re going to ‘start having kids,’ and I’m super uncomfortable, that sinking feeling in my chest. One day I feel like going out all night and having fun. The next, I just want to lay in bed and watch crap on Netflix all afternoon. You just never know.

I guess I’m learning to live with the unpredictableness (is that even a word?) of my new life. The craziness that comes with losing a child. I’m learning that it’s okay to enjoy the happy feelings, and ride out the crappy ones. To not try and force myself into feeling a certain way, but to really, truly ‘live’ in each moment, each emotion, as it comes. To just be.

So this is me. Happy, sad, goofy, sexy, bored, crazy, pissed off, just alright. Me.

Stevie’s Mama.

I love you, sweet girl. Forever and always.

Xoxo,

Mom