Friday, July 1, 2011

Testing, testing, anybody out there?

Dear Stevie,
Today was just a bad week. On Monday, I had to call in "sad" to work for the first time since last summer. I'm just getting really sick of having to do this whole "trying to enjoy my life as it is now" charade, when this isn't the life I want. It's really hard work, and I'm exhausted.

I'm also feeling really alone these days. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I even miss having a group to really connect with online. When I was pregnant with you, I had my August 2010 Babycenter moms. Then when you died I had my spring/summer 2010 babyloss moms. Now, I feel like I'm just sort of here. Everyone's moved on and I just feel lame. Super lame. Is anyone even reading this anymore? Is there anybody out there?

Sorry for the depressing letter, Stevie. I'm hoping this week is just one of the lows in this sucky rollercoaster of grief. I'm sure I'll be my normal happy self again soon. But in the meantime, I think I'm gonna grant myself permission to just feel sorry for myself. To throw myself a ragin' pity party. Hey, it is the weekend after all, right?

Miss you baby. Mama misses you so much.

Love,
Mom

45 comments:

Heather said...

I'm here! I'm a fairly newer reader, but really enjoy reading your blog. I have alsobeen feeling these same emotions lately. Sending many prayers to you.

julie said...

i know exactly, exactly, EXACTLY how you feel. you aren't alone mama, even though i know it feels that way. hope you are feeling better. snuggle with your girls extra tight!

took a holiday to visit my dad (hadn't seen him since thanksgiving last year) and pretty much cried my entire way home (a five + hour drive.) the sadness was just so heavy. for my son, for my life, for my dad, for life, for just about everything.

we're allowed to have these moments/days/weeks/months. it's part of our us.

with love mama,
j:

Kristin said...

I know you feel alone, but you are not alone. I'm from your August 2010 Birth Club. I don't tend to comment on blogs much, but I'm here. I follow you, and I check in on you all the time.

Pity parties are OK from time to time. It almost feels unfair to "ignore" the sadness and pretend to be happy when you are not. The trick is to not let your whole life become one big pity party. Lots of love coming your way.

Tari said...

I'm also from the August 2010 Birth Club and I read your blogs all the time but like Kristin, I tend not to comment. There's nothing wrong with having to take a "sad" day. You have to take time for yourself whethere its for a sad or happy day. Just know we're still here for you if you ever need anything. Hope it gets better!!

Angela said...

Still here, still reading and thinking of you and Stevie. It does seem like those who lost in the spring/summer of 2010 need each other less, but on the hard days it's evident that support is still needed and necessary. Sometimes the sadness is overwhelming and a pity party is absolutely in order. Here if you need anything, hope next week is a little easier.

Dana said...

I am still here, still reading and still thinking of you and Stevie. I haven't moved on. I know what you mean about the groups that you felt a part of. The spring/summer babyloss Mom group does seem to have gotten smaller, but there are still many of us there.

I also have days of just being exhausted of living in the new normal and trying to figure out what, exactly, that is....what it should be like.

Sometimes a pity party is very needed and, of course, totally warranted.

I hope next week will be a little easier. I keep thinking back to what I was doing a year ago today, what a mess I was. No matter how badly I feel now, it is nothing like it was and I have come a long way. You have too.

Thinking of you and Stevie...and still a very active member of the Spring/Summer 2010 baby loss Mom's.

Julie said...

i'm here, kristin. i feel super-lame most of the time myself, too. i'm sorry you've regressed. it's so hard to feel like you're getting better, making progress, and then for no identifiable reason, you're back in the gutter, trying to claw your way out. dana's right - compared to the messes we were a year ago, we can all be so, so proud of ourselves. love you!

Anonymous said...

Im here kristin! I know we didn't talk a lot during the time we were together in the Bacon Group involving us 33 girls, but I do listen to each letter you write and have written to your precious little girl, and I've cried for you so many times during your journey to where you are. You are so strong, and have gotten through something not a lot of people could have. Keep your chin up, more people love you and care about you than you could ever know <3 :)

Sunshine is coming :) You will have your rainbow, I know you will.

-Tiffany
aka
Angelgirl9101

Anonymous said...

I was also in the August 2010 Babycenter group with you. I have been reading your blog for awhile now, but I have always been hesitant to comment because I do not know the grief of losing a child. I never wanted to say "hang in there," or "it will get better" because how can I relate to your pain when I have a baby at home? I can only say my hope for you is that you find peace and happiness and that another baby is blessed enough to call you mom. Sending a big hug your way!

LindsayjKing13 said...

I have been where you are and I totally understand the feeling of faking that everything's ok. Sometimes life is not ok! I think from time to time you have every right to say "my life sucks right now! This is not what I planned!". Hang in there, it will get better! Just know there are lots of people out there who you don't know and will never meet who say prayers for you on a daily basis. I am one of them...
~Lindsay

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...Still here, still thinking of you and Stevie often. And of coures, still reading. Sorry this week has been hard, I hope the weekend sends some love and sun your way. And no apologies neccesary, we all have our own pity parties, and I really think that it keeps us true to how we really feel.
~Carrie
aka
Lucas and Caleb's mommy

Anonymous said...

Still here! Write as you feel. You are amazing and individuals will follow.

Deanna said...

Kristin,
I know exactly how you feel. Very very few of the people I spent time with before River was born are still in my life. That deserves a pity party on occasion, I think. This is not how we planned life should be, and that is going to get us down once in a while.
Faking it, is hard work, exhausting and eventually catches up -- for me it usually results in a major meltdown.
I think you deserve a break, and I hope that things look up soon. Sending lots of prayers and hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

I follow you every day. I check in on you like an old friend or a little sister. I don't even have my own children - 2 stepkids instead ages 8 and 9 that are a complete handful. I always want to see how you are doing and what you are up to. I think I saw your story on the news and it had a link to your blog. I'm so excited for your book and to hear about your journey. I think you are completely entitled to a sad day. If I've learned anything lately it's all about dealing with the new normal, riding out the roller coaster. What is the saying, 'life is what happens when you are out there making plans' or something like that. It's how you handle what gets thrown at you and sometimes that feels icky and you feel like you can't possibly climb your way out. Every day is different and so unpredictable and tears can creep up on you anywhere. It's those little of slices of time when you 'catch' yourself feeling truly happy that you have to hold close to your heart and treasure - whether they are happy memories or moments that just took place with your pooches or hubby or friends. This journey is so confusing and yet so wonderful, full of amazement and great sorrows and such extremes. I certainly don't have the answers but I'm here for you in spirit to listen, laugh, cry, pray and hold your hand. Hugs - Amy

Andrea said...

I'm here. Always reading and thinking of you and Stevie. You have so much support and are always an inspiration. But I also know the feeling of loneliness in our own experience. While the spring/summer 2010 babyloss group is quieter these days, I'll always see you all as sisters. Women who helped me get through the most difficult of times. Hugs.

Beryl said...

Oh Kristin - I am here! I just added you to my blog reader this week actually because I kept forgetting to check in all the time. I absolutely love the way you write and hear myself in a lot of what you say. I am not sure when things actually get better, or if they ever do. Just when I think I am "on the other side" that grief comes creeping back in where I least expect it. Sometimes there is nothing else we can do but throw the pity party and ask for hugs, understanding, and a sounding board.

Alissa said...

Hey you,
I'm here, and I will always be here. I realize how much times and things have evolved since we all started reading/writing in the Spring/Summer of 2010. It's crazy to think of all the changes that everyone has gone through, but it's often hard to be on the outside. The one who is still waiting for that rainbow baby. The one who is still sad a lot of the time. The one who feels alone. I'm sorry that you are having hard days. If you ever need a friend or ear to connect with, feel free to reach me on Facebook or by message. Like I said, I'm here. Thinking of you and little Stevie often. ((Hugs, sister))

Tiffany said...

((hugs)) understand completely. you take the time you need to feel whatever you need to feel. life does get very difficult and complex after a loss as profound as ours. and i often feel alone. my trip up there is actually due to me getting to my breaking point. pretending day in and day out that everything is ok to the outside world is wearing me down. sending you love...

CourtneyAnna said...

Kristin,

I check every day. You were part of the reason I had so much strength after my loss.
Don't worry; we're all here. :-)

Natasha said...

I'm here and definitely thinking of you and little Stevie. I think it's more than ok to have a pity party from time to time......I mean the whole situation is enough to make you want to have a pity party ALL the time. You deserve to do whatever makes you feel better.

Definitely understand the being alone part too. So many people from my "old" life are not there anymore- they've left because my life is too depressing for them. And sometimes I feel like I'm so deep in my grief and I don't want to "bother" anyone- so once again I'm alone with my feelings.

Pretending to be ok is the worst. I hate faking it. Please take all the time you need to have sad days and know that I'm thinking of you with love. You are an awesome lady and mama!

(((hugs)))

Nika M. said...

I'm still here. You have your pity party and do whatever you need to do. I hope tomorrow is a better and brighter day.

Rhiannon said...

I am still here, a lot of us are but our group has definitely dwindled. I am always reading and always thinking of you and your sweet Stevie girl.

Pity party as much as you want to or need to. You are entitled, no one here expects you to be 'better' or to put on that happy game face. We all understand, sometimes grief can just come knocking with a vengeance. And when it does, sometimes it is just what we need to give in to it.

Lots of love to you.

Steph said...

I also am from the August 2010 Birth Club...you know the orange inner tube bathing suit.;)

I have followed along your journey and will continue wherever it takes you. ♥

I'm sorry you're hurting...

MamaE said...

Lots of comments for you... see? We're still reading! It's ok to feel this way.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I am still reading! I had early miscarriages and have decided to move on to adoption, so my story is a bit different from yours... but I just feel so lost sometimes too as to where I fit in... It's hard when our friends move on and we want nothing more than to join them. Thinking of you, and I support your taking a "sad" day!

amy said...

I'm still reading too! And I've been with you since the very start. Here's hoping to better days coming soon! xoxo Amy

celticprincess said...

I'm from your August 2010 birth club and read your blog often, but don't always comment. Like others have said, I have no idea of the pain you have been going through after losing Stevie. Please know you are doing so many wonderful things in your daughter's memory.

Colleen

Franchesca said...

Oh Kristin. I am here. I don't always have time to read, but I love to check in as often as I can, and lately I am finding more blog reading time. I feel the same way too. I had a close knit group- we all lost babies two summers ago, and well now life just seems to go on, sadly. I miss that closeness, been thinking about it a lot lately actually. I'm here, thinking about you, constantly amazed by you and the legacy Stevie left behind. Throw your party, you deserve it. xxxx

Holly said...

I have felt left behind before. I had my own group of moms when I was pregnant with Carleigh. Then I got her diagnosis. They supported me thru my pregnancy and then our babies were born. Theirs lived and mine died. I stayed connected for a little longer then just gradually left. I wanted to be there but what could I do? Their babies grow and thrive while mine does not.

Tiffany said...

You are not alone. We are here! I am very much looking forward to meeting you next week!

Jennie said...

Are you kidding?? I'm sure there are TONS of us out there reading. I check your blog daily and I'm sad when there isn't a new one!

You really are an inspiration. I'm from August 2010, and as weird as it is going to sound,you make me a better mom. When I get frustrated, or just want to cry, I think about you and Stevie, and how I have to give it my all because I'm so completely lucky to have him and how a million people would trade places with me in an instant.

So my son and I thank you, for making me a better mama to him.

Kelley and Chris said...

I'm still here...reading every letter. I understand where you are coming from and although my life is MUCH different now than it was last summer, I still think of you and Stevie daily. I think of all BLM's and will never be able to articulate in words how much all of you literally saved my life. Much love...

Becca and Logan said...

Awww...I think about you all the time, and wonder how you're doing. The other day I was reading Faces of Loss and was once again amazed at you, and what you created out of your pain. You don't deserve to feel alone. I wish I could be the friend you need.

Kelli said...

I too am still here, I think of you and Stevie every time I log onto the Aug 2010 birth board. You don't know me, but you and Stevie have touched me very deeply and I will continue checking in on you guys.........I am so amazed and humbled by what you have gone through and what you have done since losing your little one!!! So my thoughts are with you often, maybe I need to follow those thoughts up with some words.......

Amber said...

Can i join in on your party?!?

Julie Soul said...

I'm here too. Many of the spring/summer babyloss mama's are now well on their way to their rainbow, and I've lost two more. I'd say I'm exactly where I was last year, much like you, but I have two more angels. I wish I could make it better for both of us, but sadly, I can't. I think passing our 1 year mark definitely took us both down a peg. Wishing you lots of love and a rainbow at the end of that tunnel.

Deanna said...

I'm here! I'm here! I wish I could physically sit, cry, talk, veg out and watch Netflix with you. A friend is much needed right now. :( I wish I could be there. I read your blog regularly and you and Stevie Joy are never far from my thoughts. Lots of love to you always. xoxo

Ashley said...

Hey Kristin! I'm here too. I'm also from your August 2010 Birthclub and I "check in on you" a few times a week. You're doing great! And after everything that's happened and how well you're doing, a pity party is perfect right now.

I think it's like a diet, if you don't indulge in something yummy then eventually you'll give it up completely. If you don't feel sorry for yourself every now and again then eventually you'll crack. You do so well, you're so upbeat, you look at the positive side of everything. Now take a day to feel sorry for yourself and then get back on track again. :) Good luck. You and Stevie are an inspriration to many, including me.

Rawsonfamilyof5 said...

I am here too an August 2010 mom that has been checking in on you since you lost Stevie. I am inspired that you are moving on after such a huge loss, to think you might have had a one year old is enough to make me want to have a pity party for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us all, Stevies story inspires me every day to love on my children and everything else can wait.

Michelle said...

We're all out here, Kristin - even us "old" moms who lost babies 25, 26 and 30 years ago. Keep being true to yourself and honest with others. I am so glad for blogs and on-line support groups for today's young women like you. In my day, all we had was older women who had lots of ridiculous cliches that essentially made us bury our feelings. I love your candidness and honesty!

a long time ago baby loss mama and now baby loss grandma,
Michelle

bir said...

I'm here K! Never far away! I just am not good at commenting as I'm usually on my iphone and it just ain't so easy. That's my excuse anyway :)

love to you x

Kerri said...

Kristin, You always have me. Babycenter or not. I hope I get to see you next month. XO

Cyndi said...

I'm here and an avid follower. Every time I read your blog, I am thankful that if losing my baby was something I had to do, that at least I was able to do it after you had made it okay to grieve and love our babies openly. Thank you for inspiring me in this journey!!

harmless said...

I never comment on blogs either and you don't know me, I was in the August 2010 group and have followed you (stalked you ;) ) since that horrible day. I am in awe at your strength and ability to turn your pain into a way to help others. Keep up the good work!

Brittany said...

I still read! I've been following Stevie's story ever since I came across your blog on August 15th of last year (the irony):) I think you exceed the definition of inspiration. You're an amazing person and I share your family's story every chance I get. Everyone needs "a day off" and you deserve as many as you'd like :) Sending prayers and love your, Andy's and Stevie's way <3

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