Dear Stevie,
Sometimes I feel so guilty for writing to your little brother so much more than to you these days. I am really focused on making it through this pregnancy and preparing for his arrival, but that doesn't mean you haven't been on my mind. Far from it. If anything, being pregnant again makes me miss you even more.
It's also been really hard dealing with all the questions and assumptions about Elliot being our 'first.' They are just constant lately. From strangers, from well-intentioned friends and family members who make comments about him being the 'first grandchild,' or how much my life is going to change 'once I become a mom.' I'm not saying I am angry about any of these questions or comments (I know most people just don't think about it the way I do), but they hurt. They hurt because even though Elliot will (hopefully) be the first baby I get to watch grow up, he isn't my first baby. He won't be the first grandchild, or even the baby that makes me a mother. You are. And you always will be.
I was having a hard morning the other day and decided to read through all the messages and letters people sent after you died. This one from my amazing friend and old college roomie, Lisa, pretty much reduced me to a puddle of tears:
"Lil Stevie,
It’s been hard for me to think of what to say to you…I really loved you so much. I’ll never forget the day I had to pinch to stop the pee so I could run out and hear the yelps of the news that WE were having a baby! Yes, that’s right, from the very first day I have claimed you ; ) Your mom was our first bride, she got our first puppies, and then she gave us something even more—you, she became our first mom..."
Nothing touches my heart more than when someone else remembers that you came before; that you were the first. I hope people haven't forgotten that. I can promise you I never will, baby girl.
I miss you every day.
Love,
Mom
Congregatin'
1 day ago
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11 comments:
I am a new-ish follower but think this my first comment. I too deal with these same comments. I know people dont mean it, but you're right, it is different when us, as the moms who ache for our first baby girls all the time hear their words. It hurts. And for us, it hasnt gotten easier. Now, whenever anyone ask's "when are you going to have #2" or "when is Kallen going to have a sister or bother", I just ache. Kallen is our 2nd, and she has a sister. In heaven.
Praying for you, for Elliot and for the 'well intentioned' family & friends.
Thinking of Stevie today and always. <3 She will never be forgotten.
I struggle too when people say, "Yay, you finally had a girl!" as if she is my first after having had 2 boys.
If only I could tell the truth without making others uncomfortable.
*sigh*
x <3 o
Right there with ya...Head high, Kristin. Stevie knows you love, miss and cherish her.
Lil Stevie is here. I as well as many others have not forgotten her nor will we.
It can be tough to answer the questions. But Stevie will always be the first no matter what. <3
Stevie will always be in my heart <3
I've been following your blog for a long time, and I want you to know that even though we've never met or even spoken, I think of Stevie often. Although I didn't know you before she came along, I feel like I can just sense how much she changed you. You are very mature for your age. Wise beyond your years. An old soul. You probably always have been, but carrying Stevie, I think, exaggerated these traits about you, in a good way. Your website (FOL, FOH) and all the wonderful things you've done for baby loss mamas wouldn't have been possible without beautiful little Stevie. And you probably wouldn't appreciate this pregnancy half as much if Elliot didn't have a big sister in heaven watching down on him. I have girlfriends who have had losses, though not as far along as yours was, and they prefer to sweep them under the rug and "not think about them". I think I would be just like you. This child was your flesh and blood, your world. She damn well deserves to be remembered, and even if well meaning family and friends (who understandably, don't know exactly what to say/feel) don't - just know that there are those of us out here that do. Stevie touched me and I never even came within a mile of her. Thank you for that. I can't wait until you have little Elliot in your arms. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing so much of both your journeys like you have. Muah. <3
Thinking of you & Stevie always.
{{Hugs}}
She will always be remembered, for she was very, very loved.
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