First

Dear Stevie,
Sometimes I feel so guilty for writing to your little brother so much more than to you these days. I am really focused on making it through this pregnancy and preparing for his arrival, but that doesn't mean you haven't been on my mind. Far from it. If anything, being pregnant again makes me miss you even more.

It's also been really hard dealing with all the questions and assumptions about Elliot being our 'first.' They are just constant lately. From strangers, from well-intentioned friends and family members who make comments about him being the 'first grandchild,' or how much my life is going to change 'once I become a mom.' I'm not saying I am angry about any of these questions or comments (I know most people just don't think about it the way I do), but they hurt. They hurt because even though Elliot will (hopefully) be the first baby I get to watch grow up, he isn't my first baby. He won't be the first grandchild, or even the baby that makes me a mother. You are. And you always will be.

I was having a hard morning the other day and decided to read through all the messages and letters people sent after you died. This one from my amazing friend and old college roomie, Lisa, pretty much reduced me to a puddle of tears:

"Lil Stevie,
It’s been hard for me to think of what to say to you…I really loved you so much. I’ll never forget the day I had to pinch to stop the pee so I could run out and hear the yelps of the news that WE were having a baby! Yes, that’s right, from the very first day I have claimed you ; ) Your mom was our first bride, she got our first puppies, and then she gave us something even more—you, she became our first mom..."


Nothing touches my heart more than when someone else remembers that you came before; that you were the first. I hope people haven't forgotten that. I can promise you I never will, baby girl.


I miss you every day.


Love,
Mom