Tuesday, February 14, 2012

On the Line

Dear Elliot,
After Stevie died, I swore that if I was ever pregnant again, I would do things differently. I wouldn't get my hopes up. I wouldn't assume being pregnant meant I'd be bringing home a baby. I wouldn't talk about my pregnancy all the time, take stupid belly pictures, or buy all that baby stuff. I wouldn't lay my heart out there on the line, only to be hurt and humiliated once again.

Well Baby, I failed. My hopes are up. My heart is laid out for everyone to see. I guess I just don't know how to do it any other way.

I've got the weekly belly pictures all over facebook, the nursery painted, organized, and almost ready to go. I've taken birthing classes, have a birth plan all typed up, a 'delivery outfit' (consisting of an old sports bra and stretchy skirt--don't worry, I didn't buy one of those fancy gowns or anything!) picked out. I have a freaking highchair set up in my kitchen. I have one of your ultrasound pictures as my iPhone background, for goodness sake.


I'm sure some people look at me and think I'm the dumbest girl ever. I should know better than anyone else that pregnancy doesn't always equal baby. But despite the fear (and believe me, there is definitely a lot of fear!), you've managed to wrap me around your little finger, just like your sister did, and I just can't help but need to share that overwhelming love I have for you with the world.

Here I am again, believing with all my heart that I'm about to have a baby; one that I get to keep. I just hope that this time, I'm right.

I love you, little Valentine.

XOXO,
Mom

14 comments:

Our family said...

I completly "get it" Kristin! Nothing dumb about it!!! And am believing right along with you! Can't wait till you post E's newborn pictures.

Julie said...

This post made me cry. I'm glad you're so in love with this little boy. It shouldn't be any other way. I believe he'll be breathing and crying in your arms in just a few short weeks.

Mary said...

It's hard to be hopeful. When I first found out about our rainbow, I wanted to wait until well after the first trimester to announce. But things didn't work out that way, and we told at 8 weeks. Hope is a good thing...he'll be here before you know it!

Heather said...

Oh love, I totally think that its a fantastic thing that you are so in love with Elliot. It's that overwhelming feeling of wanting something to be right, something to make the world make sense again, and I believe with all my heart that Elliot is going to get here and make all those wonderful dreams you have come true. We are still a little too gun shy to go ahead and try again after losing Logan, but it's that place in my heart that I know we will try, scared to death and holding our breath at every turn, every dr appointment, but holding hope all the way! Stay strong girl!! Lots of love!

Erin said...

You have exactly the right attitude. I have problems with allowing myself to be hopeful, too. But you are right to believe, and how can you NOT be in love with your little guy? I can't wait to see a picture of him when he arrives! :)

Jessica said...

I completely understand what you mean Kristin. After losing Riley I said I wouldn't get too hopeful but I have with every pregnancy since. We just can't help it but I think it's great that we love our little babies so much! They deserve it :) <3 Can't wait to see him in your arms!!

Lisa K said...

I kind of know how you feel. Getting pregnant after being infertile for 8 years, I was afraid to get my hopes up and think that I might actually get to bring home a baby at the end of nine months. But you know, I started thinking that no matter what the outcome was, if I didn't let myself fully enjoy my pregnancy and celebrate my little one, I would always regret it. I think all babies deserve that. :)

Ashley said...

I pray that you're right this time too. (((HUGS)))

Tiffany said...

Kristin, I don't see how we could not get our hopes up. These wiggly little buggers inside of us have a way of making us fall madly in love with them before we even lay our eyes on them! We can pretend we aren't getting attached- but we are... I think its just part of being a Mommy.

Shelby ... Stella's Momma said...

I totally get it! The more I fall deeply, madly in love with Sprout the more fear I have that I won't be taking a baby home from the hospital this time either, but making plans, preparing and falling in love is only natural for Momma. Even when our instincts tell us to hold back we can't because our deep love over rides all our emotions!

You've done a great job keeping little E safe and healthy, planning for his future and not allowing your fears to rule your life. It's hard to allow love to guide the way and shut off our brains, but I believe it's necessary for our survival! Soon you'll be holding your sweet, healthy boy in your arms and you will know this struggle was worth it all!!

Lavonne said...

I'm sure Stevie wouldn't want it any other way. And when Elliot is older you won't regret not letting yourself enjoy the pregnancy.

I have a chromosome problem so any given pregnancy could end badly. But I decided long ago that I would treat every one like the first, and I would soak it all up. Because once my child is here I will probably never have another pregnancy, and I don't want to look back and wish I would have enjoyed it but didn't because of the what-if's.

You are almost there mama! Keeping you and both of your children in my prayers :)

celticprincess said...

I cannot say I understand where you are coming from because I have never been in your shoes, although I know many women who have. I was in the August 2010 BBC Birth Club with you. I cried tears of sadness the day we all found out about Stevie and cried tears of happiness for her little brother. I want so much for you to get your happy ending and cannot wait to see Elliott.

Ashley said...

What would life be without hope?

Shannon said...

I can't imagine that anyone thinks you're the "dumbest girl ever." If they do, they are heartless! Elliot will be here in no time (I know, easy for me to say) and Stevie will be looking down on you and will be such a proud big sister. I have to think she has had a hand in watching over him all along as well. You've been an awesome mom to Stevie and are already an awesome mom to Elliot too. You've given him the love he needs to grow and thrive and it's obvious you will give him that same love and more once he's here. Hang in there, he's almost here and I can't wait to "meet" him! :)))

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