Airplanes

Dear Stevie,
Eight months ago, I was sitting on an airplane. I was on my way to Whistler, BC, reading a book called "You: Having a Baby." I had just found out I was pregnant the week before, and trying so hard to imagine what August would be like. What I'd feel like, what I'd look like, what I'd be doing on your due date.

I never imagined I'd be sitting on a plane, again.

Dad and I are leaving tonight to go on vacation. We're headed to Colorado, to stay at Dad's grandparents vacation home in Grand Lake. We fly home on August 15th, the day you were supposed to be born. On that day, I should be either huge and comfortable, waiting for labor to begin, or maybe even already home, adjusting to life with my newborn. But I'll be on a plane. Probably crying on Dad's shoulder.

I know August 15th was just my estimated due date. I know chances are you wouldn't have actually been born on that exact day. I know. But August 15th was the day I had circled and and wrote, "Baby day!!!" around, the day I had set an alarm for on my iPhone (like I was going to forget it!), the day I spoke of whenever someone asked, "when are you due?" The day that signified so much. August 15th was supposed to be the day my life would change forever. It was supposed to be the day I became a mother.

Now, August 15th is just another day. A good day for traveling, I guess.

The last time I was on an airplane, I was so full of hope. I was scared as hell, but I was so excited. So, so excited to be your mommy. I was at the beginning of a journey, and my eyes and thoughts were fixed on the future as I felt the plane barrel down the runway and lift off into the sky.

When my plane takes off next week, my thoughts won't be fixed on the future, they'll be fixed on the past. On all that's happened between the last time I was sitting there, staring out the window, watching the cars and houses below get smaller and smaller, and now. On all my unfilled expectations. On all my broken dreams.

Funny how my journey sort of began...and will end, on an airplane. It's like a strange sense of closure or something. I've come full circle.

I am excited to go on our trip, I really am. I think it will be good for Dad and I to get away together and just relax and enjoy each other's company. I think it will be good to have a change of scenery. But as we get closer and closer to August 15th, I feel my heart getting heavier and heavier.

I love you, baby. I wish you were coming with us to see the mountains. I'll carry you there, in my heart.

Love,
Mom