Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Made for this

Dear Stevie,
"Everything happens for a reason." I really hate those four little words. After you died, I heard them all the time. Each time some well-intending person said them to me, I held my tongue, while secretly seething with anger. I remember sitting outside with my friend Marissa, a few weeks after you died, just going off about it. "I don't care what anybody says," I ranted, "I will never, ever be able to say there was any good reason why my daughter had to die. Ever." People were always telling me that someday I would be able to "see the bigger picture," and that "Stevie was destined for greater things." And I seriously wanted to punch them in the face.

So, being the stubborn person that I am, it's really, really hard for me to say what I'm about to say.

Sometimes I feel like this was all meant to be.

I went back and forth about whether or not I should even share these thoughts, but I've always tried to be pretty open and honest here, and right now, this is what's on my heart.

I'm not sure what I think about fate, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it. I'm not sure whether or not I believe God has a big plan all laid out for my life. I just don't know. When people used to talk about God's "plan," I would get so mad. I would imagine him sitting down at some big, lofty desk in Heaven, using one of those feather quills, writing in a leather-bound book entitled "Kristin Joy Cook's Life." I'd imagine him scribbling down, "...and then Kristin will get pregnant, fall in love with her baby and the idea of motherhood...but her baby will die," and just laughing. I mean, he must be some sadistic bastard to include dead babies as part of some people's "plans," right?

But now, I look at it a bit differently. I think, what if your death wasn't planned at all. What if nature just sucks and blood clots just happened to form in your umbilical cord. Maybe God didn't plan to have you die, but maybe he did plan to have your death be used to help others. It sort of feels like everything has been so perfectly set up for me to be able to do lots of good as a result of losing you.

I just can't shake the feeling that I was somehow made for this.

I all of a sudden feel like I have a purpose in life, like I have some sort of huge mission I need to accomplish. I've always kind of had the desire to "do something" to somehow help people, but before you died, I never really had a "cause" to direct that energy into.  It sounds super cliche (and pretty cheesy!), but it's almost like I've found my "higher calling" or something.

I really hope I'm not coming across as cocky or overconfident or anything, but I think the experience of losing you has given me the potential to really make a difference. And that's incredibly exciting to me. It's all I've ever wanted out of life, really.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed with all this, but I have big dreams, baby. Big dreams for the both of us.

Maybe God's plan for my life is for me to be a voice for the babylost. And maybe his plan for your life is to be my inspiration.

Or maybe I'm being silly and there's no plan, no bigger picture at all. Like I said, I really don't know. Who knows if it's God's will, or just me trying to make myself feel like I have control over at least a part of this crappy situation.

All I know is your life will not have been for nothing. I'll make sure of that, baby girl of mine.

I love you so much.

Always and forever,


Hope's Mama said...

I totally get this and have had similar thoughts. I looked back to moments in my life and her pregnancy and thought maybe, this was all meant to be?
Funny you should say the line "everything happens for a reason" though. I have the phrase "everything DOESN'T happen for a reason" as the little catch phrase on my facebook page in the information section.
Thinking of you. Thinking of Stevie. You certainly ARE making a huge difference, and you've only been "here" such a short time.

Dana said...

I have had similar thoughts too. I always think that Jacob's death cannot be in vain, something good has to come out of it. He will make a difference in this world to other people, through me. He has given me the strength to do it. I don't know exactly what I'll do yet. I've told people who may come into contact with new baby loss mom's to give them my number, I want to improve the program at the hospital I delivered at and at other area hospitals. I think the babyloss world is just the thing that I can dedicate myself to forever and hopefully make a big difference in.

You have made a difference to so many women, me included. I remember you from BBC when I first joined "the club", you stood out and you did the first picture of Jacob's name that I received. It meant alot to me (and still does!)

Britt said...

This...exactly! I feel like Ella Grace's life had purpose...she just completed her purpose in 21 weeks and 1 day! Now it is my responsibility, as her Mommy, to make sure that I carry it out. I feel like I have such a heavy resolve to make sure SHE makes a difference through me. I don't think God planned her death, but I think He promises to use ALL things (even things as crappy as dead babies) for the good of those who love Him. Thank you for your honesty and for making good out of something as horrible as losing your sweet Stevie!

Andrea said...

Completely understand and I feel like I have a different purpose since Oliver's death. Like I have something more important to say/do. I think like Dana said, I've found more strength in myself. Oliver has taught me so much and had so much purpose in such a short life.

You have already done so much and I know you and Stevie will continue to do so.

Lucid Anne said...

Kristin, if anyone was to be considered "made for this" its you- because of your grace, your elegance, your intelligence, your willingness and follow-through (I am terrible at follow-through, as well intended as I am).. you've already helped so many women through the toughest time of their lives (me included!) and who KNOWS how many dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands you will affect. <3 I'm so proud to know you and Stevie.

Andrea said...

I echo much of what you took me months to understand "why" I was on this broken road, but I now know.

My mission is to give Christian's life purpose and I do that through opening my heart to another in need, another Mother who has lost the most precious part of her soul, her child.

Because of him, I'm a better person. All because of his life, short, but full of purpose.


Julie said...

kristin, just the other day when i was looking at how beautifully faces of loss is taking shape, i was thinking about exactly this post - that stevie's life and death are giving you a new purpose that has the potential to help and heal so many women.

like so many others have said, i, too, long to find a way for some good to come out of kenny's life. i don't yet know what that will be, but even if my blog, as part of the "collective" of babyloss blogs, can help women going through this, then i can be satisfied that i have made something good out of his life and death.

rebecca said...

Kristin I absolutely know that you have touched so many lives as result of the outreach you have started for other baby loss mothers through your blog & FLFH. The fact that you are using your loss to reach out to others & try to make a positive difference in this world shows how much you love Stevie and give so much honor to her life. I feel so blessed to know you & am thankful for people like you who help me to know I am far from a lone in this club of loss and that even though it's hard some days I will survive and will be a better more compassionate person as a result of this experience.

rebecca said... word verification for that last comment was "bless"!

butterflymom said...

I truly believe that we all have a purpose in life...and yours may very well be to educate and help those in need who have or will suffer the death of their baby. You have a gift, girl...and you use it well. I find what you write and do very inspirational...and although I would prefer us both not to be in this "club" (or anyone else for that matter), I appreciate being able to connect with you and understand what our purposes are together.

Annie said...

Funny, I've picture God in exactly the same way you describe. I hope he's not plotting another loss for me right now! Maybe things do happen for a reason, but I don't think that reason is always "God's will". Some things are just coincidence - good luck or bad luck.

Lori said...

I always, always, ALWAYS said, "Everything happens for a reason" and I really believed it.

After Matthew died, those words were poison, because as you said, there would NEVER EVER be a reason good enough to have my perfect and precious baby boy die...period.

And honestly, I wrestle with that all the time still...Did it fall under a plan of God's and there's just NO way I could comprehend how it could be what HE sees it as or is it just a crappy, broken world we live in and He uses situations like mine to make wonderful and beautiful things come from the ruins?

Who knows? I know I sure as heck don't and don't know that I ever will...but honestly, it really doesn't matter because the bottom line is that why it all happened just can't be comprehended.

But what happens as a result...well, that's something I can wrap my head around. Sort of.

You are doing amazing, amazing things and honoring your sweet Stevie so beautifully. I love it.

Lindsay said...

Hey Kristin, just read a bit of your blog. I am a firm believer that God does not plan terrible things to happen, but he does use the crappy, terrible, sad, heart wrenching stuff that happens in this world for his glory, if we let him. But he DEFINITELY does not plan for things like babies dying, people getting cancer, etc. I believe that he mourns with us through the bad stuff.

Thank you so much for sharing your heart.

Rhiannon said...

I couldn't agree more. I have had the same thoughts so many times I can't keep track...several times a day. I have always believed in destiny and naive was I?? I could never accept that it was my fate in this life to have a dead daughter, that is a pretty f'ed fate.

Anyway, you are doing great things to honor your Stevie...I am so happy that I found yours and other BLM blogs & Faces of Loss. It has made a big difference in my life, so thank you!

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

I can relate to this big time. I know that God has a plan, and that He had a plan for my sweet Lilly's life.
I too sometimes think that Lilly's life was meant to help other people. :)
You're not alone, thanks for sharing your thoughts and making the rest of us feel a little bit normal.
God bless!

Franchesca said...

My husband got this much faster than I did. More than a year later I know that I know that I know... she was always meant to be here for her brief stay. It's not easy but like you've said so perfectly, we have a cause now. I too always wanted something to do, to make a difference in someone else's life. And because of our baby girls we can help others. It's a beautiful grief.


Michelle said...

you should write a book..I would buy it..I think a lot of us ladies would...there were so many books that helped me get are a talented writer.

Girl in the dark said...

Exactly. I suddenly found a purpose, a place where I wanted to make a difference, and the compassion to be able to do it. I haven't found a way yet to make a difference, but I do know I want to and will one day, if only to one person,

Freida said...

I hated those words when my daughter lost Jeremy, too. But then as the weeks went by and we learned about her conditions -- incompetent cervix and PAI-1 (blood clotting disorder) I started thinking how Jeremy actually saved her life and the lives of her future babies. Now, a year later, we have sweet baby Kaitlyn, who would have never been here had we not learned what caused Jeremy to die. Months of Lovenox shots and a cerclage helped get Kaitlyn here. Now, we know that my daughter is at risk for strokes if she takes birth control pills. Maybe, just maybe, Jeremy had to die for us to learn all of these things. For my daughter's life and for Kaitlyn and her future children, we owe thanks to our sweet Jeremy.

Mary said...

It is hard to see "the plan". I have yet to see the plan. I remember seeing the finale of ER. One of the doctor's wives had a loss years before and in the finale they had opened a wing of a hospital in honor of their son. He said he at the time didn't see the reason either until then. I know we all can't dedicate a hospital wing but I hope one day I will be able to feel the way you do.

April said...

Honestly, I've always felt this way about you. I've never been one to believe in a plan or fate, esp when it comes to babies dying. But sometimes I see situations where it almost seems like it was, in some horrible way, the "best" for that person. I see it in my case, although it doesn't make it hurt any less and it doesn't make it any less unfair and it doesn't make me want my baby any less. Same with you, so I'd never be able to say what you said to you, but I've always thought that you were "made" for this. Like I was proud of you and what you have done since Stevie died, and it couldn't have happened to a better person. It's a morbid and awful thing to think or say to a person, but it's true.

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