Made for this

Dear Stevie,
"Everything happens for a reason." I really hate those four little words. After you died, I heard them all the time. Each time some well-intending person said them to me, I held my tongue, while secretly seething with anger. I remember sitting outside with my friend Marissa, a few weeks after you died, just going off about it. "I don't care what anybody says," I ranted, "I will never, ever be able to say there was any good reason why my daughter had to die. Ever." People were always telling me that someday I would be able to "see the bigger picture," and that "Stevie was destined for greater things." And I seriously wanted to punch them in the face.

So, being the stubborn person that I am, it's really, really hard for me to say what I'm about to say.

Sometimes I feel like this was all meant to be.

I went back and forth about whether or not I should even share these thoughts, but I've always tried to be pretty open and honest here, and right now, this is what's on my heart.

I'm not sure what I think about fate, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it. I'm not sure whether or not I believe God has a big plan all laid out for my life. I just don't know. When people used to talk about God's "plan," I would get so mad. I would imagine him sitting down at some big, lofty desk in Heaven, using one of those feather quills, writing in a leather-bound book entitled "Kristin Joy Cook's Life." I'd imagine him scribbling down, "...and then Kristin will get pregnant, fall in love with her baby and the idea of motherhood...but her baby will die," and just laughing. I mean, he must be some sadistic bastard to include dead babies as part of some people's "plans," right?

But now, I look at it a bit differently. I think, what if your death wasn't planned at all. What if nature just sucks and blood clots just happened to form in your umbilical cord. Maybe God didn't plan to have you die, but maybe he did plan to have your death be used to help others. It sort of feels like everything has been so perfectly set up for me to be able to do lots of good as a result of losing you.

I just can't shake the feeling that I was somehow made for this.

I all of a sudden feel like I have a purpose in life, like I have some sort of huge mission I need to accomplish. I've always kind of had the desire to "do something" to somehow help people, but before you died, I never really had a "cause" to direct that energy into.  It sounds super cliche (and pretty cheesy!), but it's almost like I've found my "higher calling" or something.

I really hope I'm not coming across as cocky or overconfident or anything, but I think the experience of losing you has given me the potential to really make a difference. And that's incredibly exciting to me. It's all I've ever wanted out of life, really.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed with all this, but I have big dreams, baby. Big dreams for the both of us.

Maybe God's plan for my life is for me to be a voice for the babylost. And maybe his plan for your life is to be my inspiration.

Or maybe I'm being silly and there's no plan, no bigger picture at all. Like I said, I really don't know. Who knows if it's God's will, or just me trying to make myself feel like I have control over at least a part of this crappy situation.

All I know is your life will not have been for nothing. I'll make sure of that, baby girl of mine.

I love you so much.

Always and forever,
Mom