Monday, August 16, 2010

Fantasy Land

Dear Stevie,
Well, crap.  I totally thought I had dodged a bullet.  I really thought I was going to be "okay" about your due date coming and going. "Fine" even. And I guess I was alright yesterday, your due date, but today? Today is a different story.

The week leading up to your due date, Dad and I were on vacation. For 10 glorious days, we had no responsibilities, no places to be or people to see, no worries. We stayed in a beautiful 4-bedroom, 4-bathroom "cabin" in gorgeous Grand Lake, Colorado. We spent our time soaking up the sun, going out to expensive restaurants, sipping iced tea, touring local breweries, driving through the mountains, and watching movies in front of the fireplace at night. I was so proud of myself that during what I had imagined would be such a hard week, I was having fun and enjoying myself. You were always on my mind, of course, and definitely the center of many of our conversations, but I was happy. Honestly, genuinely happy.

I guess it's pretty easy to be happy when you're living in fantasy land.

In that world, where the most stress I experience in a day is trying to decide between going out for Mexican or Chinese, I can be happy and content in the midst of my sadness. In that world, the world of red wine and good books, the world of no work and all play, I can make it through a week without crying. In that world, I'm so brave.

But today, here in the real world, I'm just a mess.

Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to have the end of my vacation and the end of my pregnancy journey coincide so perfectly. I mean, it's hard enough re-entering the real world after a trip to fantasy land as it is. Throw in an unfulfilled due date, and the transition becomes almost unbearable, I guess.

I woke up this morning with a quivering lip and a lump in the back of my throat. Up until yesterday, I was "supposed" to be pregnant. I should have been [blank] weeks pregnant for the last three months. Up until yesterday, I wasn't "supposed" to have you in my arms. I wasn't supposed to be a mommy quite yet.

Today, I should be a mommy. Today marks the "I should have a [blank] month old" stage. Instead of wishing I was still pregnant, now I wish I was kissing your sweet face and ticking your toes.

Most of the time I try to stay as positive as I can. But today I just can't do it. I don't want to be going to work and doing all the stuff I was supposed to be on maternity leave for. I'm sick of having to walk by your crib with no baby in it every freaking time I have to use the bathroom. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one that cares, and of feeling like some sort of crazy person for caring so much. I can't take another past-due bill in the mailbox from the OB clinic or hospital or Anesthesiologist who are making me pay, thousands of dollars, for the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

Can I please go back to fantasy land?

I miss you, Baby. I want you back more than I could ever put into words.

Love,
Mom

23 comments:

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

praying for you Kristin! I know it's rough... keep your chin up. :)

Christa said...

So very sorry today has been so tough. Hang in there. I wish so much that Stevie was arriving today. The end of vacation sucks enough anyways without capping it off with your due date.

Michele said...

sending hugs... many, many hugs...

Angela said...

Sending love and hugs. I'm sorry today is so hard. Know you're not alone. We're all thinking of you and Stevie right now.

Maggie said...

Many many hugs. As if this day weren't hard enough, your little getaway ended too. I left on vacation around Mother's Day and coming back was like a big jolt to reality. I hated it. Thinking of you and wishing so much Stevie was here with you. XO

Kelley and Chris said...

Kristin, I know exactly how you feel. We left for vacation on my due date...so it helped take my mind off of everything. Vacation was good...only a couple of really sad moments. Mostly when I was writing names in the sand etc... But, now that I'm back, it's pretty terrible. These 'after-the-due date' are sucky. I'm sorry you are feeling this way too. Just know we are all right there with you...thinking of you and sending you big hugs.

Rhiannon said...

Thinking of you and hoping that this week gets a little better for you. Lots of hugs.

Elaine said...

thinking of you and sending you big hugs today.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry, Kristin. Thinking of you today.

And the medical bills are utter insult to injury. I still can't check the mail like a normal, functional human being.

Danae said...

Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.

Andrea said...

Love, that is all that I can send your way. I know your heart is so broken Kristen and I am so sorry you are enduring this pain. My Due Date was so difficult, but who am I kidding, there were and still are difficult days. However, we find strength somewhere and we trudge forward through the storm...we honor our babies.

Honoring the life of Stevie Joy, today and always.

xoxo

Violet1122 said...

Oh Kristin. I'm sorry it's such an awful day. I wish Stevie was there in your arms. It's just not right.

Sending you prayers and lots of hugs...

Zannergirl said...

(((HUGS))) Please remember you're not alone. There will be good and bad days. Stay strong.

Kat said...

I wish I had some words of comfort, something to ease that ache inside your heart, dear. All I can say is that I'm praying for you and if nothing else, we're here to listen. You and Stevie's story impacts every life it touches,and I know all these other ladies wish that, like I do, we had something to say or do that could ease your pain.

All we can say is that we love you.

croleyc69 said...

Thinking of you & sending many {{HUGS}}

Caroline

Lori said...

I'm sorry....it always feels like I'll take one or two steps forward and 8003 backward.

The bills are the worst...Getting the explanation of benefits and reading, "Your claim has been denied because your newborn was not added to your coverage."

Ummm, yeah...that would be because he died 8 hours after he was born and I didn't have time to do it. Good grief...such insult to injury.

I'm sorry today is so tough...thinking of you and sending love...xoxoxo

Curls O Fred said...

((hugs)) to you and always remembering stevie. much love.

Jennifer said...

It's difficult to 'escape' from the real world. Our grief can only step aside for a little while when we're in fantasy land. But sooner or later, it will get antsy and will make its presence known. Like those bills in the mail and the unexpected triggers we encounter. Ugh. It really sucks. (>_<)

I hope the coming days would be better. Love to you and your little Stevie.

The Griegers said...

I was just in fantasy land for the past month. It was much easier to "just be" and heal when I had no responsibilities. I arrived back to the real world on Sunday night, it's so hard.

Lisette said...

Many ((HUGS)) to you.

Catherine W said...

I'm so sorry my dear. It must have been very hard to come back from such a lovely holiday to face your sweet Stevie's due date. And those bills. How awful. My heart breaks for you. Wishing for love and strength for the coming days x

Julie said...

i know this is a few days late. i was thinking about you on sunday. i'm glad you got a chance to relax w/ andy, and that you had a good time. i, too, am missing the idea of what we *should* have at home with us now.

hugs.

Hannah Rose said...

Each time I read your words, I'm blown away. You write so beautifully and you explain things so in depth, literally every time I feel like I know how you feel. And you aren't crazy for feeling so deeply.

I'm so sorry you are going through this "transitioning" from when you should be pregnant to when you should have her. Oh, dear Kristin. I'm just so, so sorry. :'-(

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