Wednesday, September 8, 2010

4 months

Dear Stevie,
Today marks four months since you were born. Since the first and last time I laid eyes on your perfect button nose and giant feet. I miss you so much, baby.

Four months sounds like a really long time, and I'm sure some people are surprised that I'm still struggling, that I'm still not "over" your death. But four months without you is still  two months less than the six months I had with you.

I was feeling really down this morning, feeling like nobody remembered (or cared) that today is your birthday, when I got the following email from Grandma (my mom). Of course it made me cry, like a lot, but it makes me feel good to know that at least one other person in my 'real life' recognizes today as your day, and misses you almost as much as I do*.

Kristin, 

It seems so long ago in some ways, and in other ways just yesterday instead of 4 months ago,  that I was sitting at this desk and got the call from you I never wanted to get. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to somehow make it not true for you. And for us. Even though her life was too short and I never got to know her, I miss Stevie, too. I especially miss getting to know the Kristin part of her. Since you can’t remember yourself as a baby and toddler and preschooler, you don’t know just how special you were, and how those qualities, (combined with the cool Andy genes, of course) would have been so unique and fun and wonderful. Somehow, even though she’s not here with us, she has managed to wrap herself around our hearts, just like you wrapped us around your little finger. Where we are still firmly wrapped. 

I love you so much, Kristin.

Mom

I wish more than anything I would have gotten to know that unique and fun and wonderful personality I'm sure you would have had. I just wish I could have known you, Stevie.

Miss you today and everyday.

Love, Mom

*I do want to point out that even though I say it seems like most people I know no longer care, there are a few that continue to show me that they do, and I'm forever grateful for that (you guys know who you are). Xoxo

27 comments:

Miranda said...

4 months does not seem like a long time to me at all. it's only been a month for me and it feels like yesterday. i feel like time is standing still, even though it's flying by like normal in the real world. in my mind, i just left the hospital, even though it was over a month ago. i am thinking of you today. <3

car said...

What an amazing email from your mom. That must be where some of your awesomeness comes from. Thinking of you today.

Andrea said...

Kristen,

What a wonderful and heart felt note from your Mom...how incredibly sweet. I know this is so hard for her to watch you hurting and not be able to "fix things", as thats what Mothers want to do. Yet, they have to sit by and watch their babies hearts ache. Yes, they still see us as being little children, just as your mom pointed out in her letter.

My heart hurts for you too. Often times I feel as if no one IRL thinks of Christian and that hurts. It seems as though everyone moved on long ago, yet I sit here in the ashes. However, I do find comfort in those who DO remember and honor his brief life and that is what means the most to me.

So, today I honor Stevie Joy with you.

Much Love
xxx

croleyc69 said...

Thinking of you today and always. I want to do something special for you. I will send you a email. Something new I'm starting to do for the BLM's.
Take care
{{HUGS}}
Caroline

Antoinette said...

Happy 4 months Stevie!!!

Kristin, I seen this on BBC for some reason your not coming up on my blog roll :/ I LOVE LOVE LOVE your moms letter to you...its ironic, she is writing to you as you write to Stevie...straight from the heart <3

"Grief lasts longer than sympathy" that saying has been in my mind lately and its so true...people start to pull back after showing such support and it makes you feel like they are forgetting, and the truth is some are...and some dont know 'what else they can do' so they pull back....I have learned to focus on the blessings I have that did stick around and do remember Alyssa and still want to show me comfort....I am not wondering why you are still grieving...((hugs))

Erin said...

What a sweet note that your mom wrote to you!

I, for one, can't even imagine that people would think that you should be "over" Stevie by now! You'll never be "over" her; that makes it sound like she's some sort of disease that you can get rid of. She will always, always, always be a part of you and Andy, your marriage, your family, your lives. Yes, as you already know from how the past four months have progressed, you will be able to move forward with your life. You will still be able to function on those bad days, and you'll even be able to enjoy life and have fun on the better days. But that's not to say that Stevie isn't always in your heart and on your mind.

I guess I'm just amazed that people can think that something so difficult and traumatic can be overcome in such a short amount of time. Just like any difficult, traumatic happening, it's never "over," per se.

I only knew the baby from my first pregnancy for a WEEK, and I still think of her and miss her and am saddened that I didn't get to meet her and get to know her.

I cannot even imagine how it feels to have known your baby for six MONTHS.

Please know that I think of and pray for you guys often...and I promise I will never expect you to be "over" Stevie.

Rhiannon said...

I saw a beautiful (HUGE) oak tree covered with spanish moss this weekend and I immediately thought of you and Stevie :) She is definitely not forgotten. You will never be 'over it' and that is ok. She will always be part of you no matter how much time passes. Happy 4 months in Heaven baby Stevie! Hugs!

Poor Lucky Me said...

I just got an email from some one I don't know well who said "Sorry to send you my sympathy so long after it happened". I thought, "so long?" My son died May 16th. My heart is still so raw, so broken, I forgot that to most people it feels like it happened long ago. I guess we mothers will never feel like it was so long ago, because we'll always know how old our children should be.

Sending you love.

Poor Lucky Me said...

Wishful thinking typo: My son died May 15th. What I wouldn't do for one more day with him...

Andrea said...

Such a beautiful note from your Mom! I wish I could have known Stevie, but I know her through you and your dedication to her as a mother. She is so loved and I know proud. She will always be remembered. You and Stevie are always close to my heart.

Jessica said...

What a wonderful mom you have. It in no way seems like a long time to those of us who are experiencing similar sadness. Today is 7 months since my first angel grew wings :( It's still hard. And in 19 days on the original due date it will suck even more.
Hope you get more comfort in the coming months. **hugs**

mommy4boys said...

I am so sorry that it seems so many people don't think about you and Stevie anymore. I am so glad you're mom wrote you that email. I am sure it helped temendously.
I know the past 4 months have been inredibly tough. You have done some amazing things and I know that Stevie is so proud to call you her mom.

T said...

The email from your mother was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. The day after Liam passed my mother said something that has always stuck with me. I was crying, bawling, about how I was his mom and I wasn't able to protect him and take care of him and that was my job and I failed. I felt just horrible. My mom's response was "You're my baby and right now you are hurting terribly and there is nothing I can do to make it go away and just take care of you." At the time it didn't resonate because I was so low with my grief but now I look back and it sticks.

Take care today. I know it's tough. I can't fathom that it's been 5 months without Liam and very very soon it will have been as long without him as with him...tough stuff to stomach.

Julie said...

it made me cry. my mom also sent me a very touching email on kenny's 4-month angelversary.

JenJen said...

Four months isn't a very long time in the grieving process although in our hearts it feels like it's been an eternity. Be gentle with yourself and know that in no way shape or form should anyone expect you to be "over" Stevie...

Dana said...

Your Mom's email has me in tears. It is so touching. It seems like people in my real life are forgetting about Jacob. No one said anything to me on the 3 month mark a few days ago. When I first lost him, I was put in touch with another baby loss Mom from my church and we were talking about Christmas. She said that I would probably be the only one sitting there on Christmas day thinking about him and I think she is right.

rebecca said...

Awe, Kristen that letter from your Mom was so touching, totally made me cry. Thinking of you today and sending thoughts of love your way, I'm so sorry this is a difficult day for you and wish things were different.

Mary said...

This is my first visit to your blog ever and I am just blown away by what an amazing mother you are! I don't even know you, but I know your heart because of your beautiful letters to your precious daughter. I must tell you that she is the MOST BEAUTIFUL and THE CUTEST little girl!!! She is breathtaking! How could you not miss her with all of your heart? I know without a doubt that she feels your love. I swear that I can see a small smile in one of her pictures. It is so sweet and tells me that she enjoyed every minute that she was with her mama. Happy Four Month Birthday Sweetheart!!!

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Thinking of you today and although my baby Wyatt has only been gone for 3 months, I understand how and why you are still struggling. I honestly think I will struggle the rest of my life, until I can be with my son again.

Michelle said...

thinking of you and Stevie Joy xoxo

Jen said...

it will be 5 months on Monday since Abigail was born...it still rocks me to the core.

Hugs and love today, everyday!

The Sancken's said...

Oh my goodness. What a wonderful mother you have! That was such a sweet letter. Sept 4th was 6 months since I lost my little girl. It still doesn't seem possible. Lots of hugs to you!!

Kalialani said...

Your blog isn't coming up on my blog feed either by the way. I've had to catch up on SO much!

Happy 4 months Stevie! We all miss you and love you little one.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that your mom sent this to you. It's SUCH a beautiful letter and I'm so happy that someone as special as your mom still acknowledges Stevie's life. I know it's so hard that so many people have moved on and think we should too; when someone recognizes you still hurt and says they're missing your baby with you, it just means so much.

Thinking of you and Stevie today and always!

Betsy & Kurt said...

Oh wow - that was a beautiful note from your mom. I think you just might have gotten your writing talent from her! :)

Lori said...

Four months was so hard for me. Really, really hard.

Your mother is just amazing. The apple didn't fall far from the tree!
xoxo

Holly said...

That is such a sweet letter from your mom.

Tony and Paulene said...

I think of you an Stevie everyday! you an your little girl goes with me in my heart everywhere. Every time I look at my son i think of you precious little girl and even though we have never met an i am just a reader i feel like i knew miss Stevie she will live in my heart forever, you and your daughter have changed my life forever.

Post a Comment

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved