Today marks four months since you were born. Since the first and last time I laid eyes on your perfect button nose and giant feet. I miss you so much, baby.
Four months sounds like a really long time, and I'm sure some people are surprised that I'm still struggling, that I'm still not "over" your death. But four months without you is still two months less than the six months I had with you.
I was feeling really down this morning, feeling like nobody remembered (or cared) that today is your birthday, when I got the following email from Grandma (my mom). Of course it made me cry, like a lot, but it makes me feel good to know that at least one other person in my 'real life' recognizes today as your day, and misses you almost as much as I do*.
It seems so long ago in some ways, and in other ways just yesterday instead of 4 months ago, that I was sitting at this desk and got the call from you I never wanted to get. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to somehow make it not true for you. And for us. Even though her life was too short and I never got to know her, I miss Stevie, too. I especially miss getting to know the Kristin part of her. Since you can’t remember yourself as a baby and toddler and preschooler, you don’t know just how special you were, and how those qualities, (combined with the cool Andy genes, of course) would have been so unique and fun and wonderful. Somehow, even though she’s not here with us, she has managed to wrap herself around our hearts, just like you wrapped us around your little finger. Where we are still firmly wrapped.
I love you so much, Kristin.
I wish more than anything I would have gotten to know that unique and fun and wonderful personality I'm sure you would have had. I just wish I could have known you, Stevie.
Miss you today and everyday.
*I do want to point out that even though I say it seems like most people I know no longer care, there are a few that continue to show me that they do, and I'm forever grateful for that (you guys know who you are). Xoxo