It's just crazy how one little moment in time can make such a big difference. One day, one minute, one second, can literally alter the course of your life forever. You're headed down one path, then BOOM, everything changes. In an instant.
The blood clots in your umbilical cord. They formed, and then killed you in a matter of days, minutes, seconds even. No one knows for sure (except you). But you were big for your gestational age, so we can assume they weren't causing restriction over a long period of time. I just can't stop thinking, if that one little thing wouldn't have happened, if those clots wouldn't have formed, I would be four weeks into my maternity leave right now, a brand-new, sleep-deprived mom of a one-month old. My life, my whole identity really, would be completely and utterly different, if it weren't for that moment in time when those damn blood clots formed.
I feel like I have whiplash sometimes from all that's happened in the course of just 10 months. A year ago, getting pregnant and having a baby were not things I was planning on doing anytime soon. They weren't even on my radar.
In the last 10 months, I've gone from carefree 20-something, to excited soon-to-be mama, the moment the pregnancy test turned positive.
From excited, soon-to-be-mama, to broken, grieving mother, the moment I heard, "there is no heartbeat."
From broken, grieving mother to passionate, fired-up babyloss crusader (or something like that!), the moment I decided to throw out a little idea I had called Faces of Loss.
10 months later, and I'm a completely different person, headed down a completely different path. If someone had told me last September, that I was going to get pregnant, carry a baby for six months, bury that baby, start a nonprofit, and begin trying to have another baby...all within the next year, I'd have though they were crazy.
So much can happen in a year. When I'm stuck in that dark and discouraging place I often find myself in, I have to remember that a lot can happen in a year. I have to hold onto to the hope that a lot of good things and happy life-changing moments might just around the corner (please?).
I love you, baby. I'm glad you came into my life, even if it was only for a moment in time. I am forever changed because of you.
2 hours ago