Thursday, September 16, 2010

Little moments

Dear Stevie,
It's just crazy how one little moment in time can make such a big difference. One day, one minute, one second, can literally alter the course of your life forever. You're headed down one path, then BOOM, everything changes. In an instant.

The blood clots in your umbilical cord. They formed, and then killed you in a matter of days, minutes, seconds even. No one knows for sure (except you). But you were big for your gestational age, so we can assume they weren't causing restriction over a long period of time. I just can't stop thinking, if that one little thing wouldn't have happened, if those clots wouldn't have formed, I would be four weeks into my maternity leave right now, a brand-new, sleep-deprived mom of a one-month old. My life, my whole identity really, would be completely and utterly different, if it weren't for that moment in time when those damn blood clots formed.

I feel like I have whiplash sometimes from all that's happened in the course of just 10 months. A year ago, getting pregnant and having a baby were not things I was planning on doing anytime soon. They weren't even on my radar.

In the last 10 months, I've gone from carefree 20-something, to excited soon-to-be mama, the moment the pregnancy test turned positive.

From excited, soon-to-be-mama, to broken, grieving mother, the moment I heard, "there is no heartbeat."

From broken, grieving mother to passionate, fired-up babyloss crusader (or something like that!), the moment I decided to throw out a little idea I had called Faces of Loss.

10 months later, and I'm a completely different person, headed down a completely different path. If someone had told me last September, that I was going to get pregnant, carry a baby for six months, bury that baby, start a nonprofit, and begin trying to have another baby...all within the next year, I'd have though they were crazy.

So much can happen in a year. When I'm stuck in that dark and discouraging place I often find myself in, I have to remember that a lot can happen in a year. I have to hold onto to the hope that a lot of good things and happy life-changing moments might just around the corner (please?).

I love you, baby. I'm glad you came into my life, even if it was only for a moment in time. I am forever changed because of you.

Miss you,
Mom

14 comments:

Julie said...

you are so right, a lot can happen in a year. i, unfortunately, find myself right back where i was a year ago, but i am definitely a different person. and "fired-up babyloss crusader" is a perfect way to describe you! so proud of you for all the lives you and stevie have touched and will touch.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

So much can happen in a year, sometimes even less than a year. You should be so proud of your accomplishments. Little Stevie is looking down on you, smiling from ear to ear.

rebecca said...

Thanks for that reminder, I think I need to hold closer to that on my difficult days after all you think we'd be due some good news after all that's happened this past year. It is incredible to think how one moment can change your life so dramatically forever.

Erin said...

It is amazing how much can change and how quickly, isn't it? Kristin, you are so inspiring; I'm in awe of how many women you have helped work through their grief (including myself) and the way that you have taken such a shitty (pardon my French) situation and used it for good. It really is incredible. Thank you for all that you've done and are going to do to offer support to the babyloss community.

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Beautiful post, Kristin.

Andrea said...

Kristen,

The beautiful things that are occuring are all because of Stevie Joy. It's because of her valued little life that we are all lucky enough to have Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. And this community is greatful to have you, her forever Mommy.

Sending you love and heartfelt thanks for all that you are doing on our behalf :)

Hope that you have a nice weekend
xxx

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

This is so true. Sometimes, when I think of Acacia, I think of how our whole lives would be changed from the moment she was conceived because she had T18 - a chromosomal abnormality. And the if-onlys run through my head - if only it had been a different egg, a different sperm, and different way the cells divided, a different month that we tried to get pregnanct... so many possibilities, that came down to that one moment, whenever it occured. But we can't change what happened, and often don't know why - instead we live with what we have - all the joy and the pain, and create our lives out of that.

Your work on Faces is truly amazing. I see you creating this wonderful work out of all of your joy and pain. Thank you. :)

Jessica said...

I feel ya there - if someone had said I would go through two miscarriages in 6 months and then be hoping to have another child as soon as I could. I would have thought they were crazy too. We are all forever changed for sure! Thinking of you!

Lara + Chris said...

I know exactly what you mean. We got our BFP in December of last year, and for some reason I'm dreading December of this year, because it will mean that my baby was born and died last year instead of this year. And means that time has moved on. You're so timely in your writing, often writing about what I'm thinking about.

butterflymom said...

Thank you, Kristin. And thank you to Stevie for bringing your momma into all of our lives. I am grateful for you both...((hugs))

Lori said...

I'm glad that you realize that there really has been SO much that has happened in the last year....10 months, especially...I feel the very same way and on days when I hear people say things that rub me the wrong way or even get on to myself because I feel like I should *feel* differently...I try to remember that 'emotional whiplash' of which you write. It's traumatic and painful and motivating and purpose-filled all-in-one (among a million other things!) but it's like lightning--through your body with barely a blink and yet, full of days that you feel like will never end.

And I don't think enough women give themselves enough credit when they realize truly what has happened in their lives in such a short amount of time...even if the world thinks it has been an 'adequate' or 'sufficient' amount to get up, get over it, and get on with it....it's so, so much in such a short, short time period. Bless your heart for sharing so that others can realize as well...and hopefully be gentle with themselves as the whiplash continues.
xoxoxoxo

Suzy said...

It is incredible how the course of your life changes the minute you hear those words.
Love to you, and Stevie.

Antoinette said...

**tears** I feel the same way about those damn clots and the mother f*ckin MTHFR.....where would i be if they never formed, or if they knew it was happening and saved her life......I hope that the next year good things do happen for you and all of us too...i just dont know how 'good' everything can be without the girls here...ps, the FOL campaign is awesome i love it and im so proud of you, wish you didnt have to be the 'crusader' but you are now and you have a great team and all of us supporting it too!!!
<3 Stevie <3

Rhiannon said...

This is off the subject, but I nominated you for a blog award. Check out my blog tonight! Sending love.

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