Monday, September 6, 2010

A change of seasons

Dear Stevie,
Well, fall is definitely in the air. At the beginning of last week, it was in the 90's and humid, and this weekend it was cool enough for hoodies and sweaters and my new leather boots. Kids will be back at the bus stop at the end of our block tomorrow morning, wearing fresh school clothes and brand new backpacks. You can even smell the changing of seasons in the air.

Summer 2010 is officially over. The summer that was supposed to be the best of my life, that turned into the worst of my life, has come and gone. In some ways, I can't believe it's already over, and in others, it seems like it was May just yesterday.

I can't say I accomplished a whole lot this summer, aside from making it through 10 seasons of Law and Order SVU, four seasons of Rescue Me, and countless stupid action movies streaming on Netflix, but I certainly did a whole lot of growing, and a whole lot of learning. It's like how in movies and books, there's almost "that summer that changes everything." This summer was certainly my "summer of change."

Summer 2010 belonged to you, Baby. It was your season. And as it's coming to an end, I can't help but feel like you're slipping further and further away from me. I feel just like I did at the end of my six-week 'maternity' leave, when I had to go back to work and reenter the 'real world' again. It feels like I've reached another milestone or turning point or something, and while it feels good to be done with this wretched summer, it's definitely bitter sweet. I want to move forward, I want life to be happy and normal again. But I don't want to forget.
Dad and I had a nice, low-key Labor Day weekend. It started out with an outdoor movie at the lake Friday night with the dogs. It was the first official sweater night of the fall; it got down to 50 degrees!

Saturday I had this strange desire to cook and clean. This is a pretty huge deal, considering my cooking/cleaning desire usually comes about, oh, maybe once or twice a year. So while Dad was working at the bike shop, I mega-cleaned the house, went to the grocery store, and made an amazing spicy chicken masala dish, with cumin-roated carrots on the side. Pretty freaking good, if I don't say so myself! Dad was super happy and excited (and shocked!) when he came home from work to find a clean kitchen, a set table, and dinner in the oven.

Later, we had a movie night by candlelight. Somehow your dad convinced me to watch 'Crank 2.' It was pretty ridiculous.

Yesterday it was haircut day for the girls. I say haircut 'day' because it really is almost a day-long process. We've been putting it off for months, and their hair was getting so long they were starting to look like they belonged to neglectful dog owners, so it felt great to get it done.

Last night we celebrated my birthday (a couple weeks late) at Grandma and Grandpa's house (Dad's parents).

Sharing some of my ice cream cake with the dogs :)

A picture of Foxy, just because she's so cute

Today I finally started to decorate the house a little bit. We had just moved into the new place a week and a half before you died, so I hadn't done much to it yet at that point, and just haven't cared to start working on it since. It's a work in progress, but I put up some new frames today:

The tree picture on the left was taken by Andrea--isn't it amazing!? Your feet are in the frame on the bottom.
I love this saying.
And this afternoon I got to wear my beautiful new boots. Cute shoes, my favorite thing about fall :)

Overall, I'm feeling pretty decent these days. I did almost puke when I saw an infant-sized bear cub Halloween costume at Target today, but I recovered pretty quickly. I have high hopes for fall. I'm trying to see the changing of seasons as a fresh start. Come on fall 2010, please be kind to me.

Love you baby girl.



Danae said...

Well said as always! Here's to a new season, new hope, and cute shoes! (Couldn't leave out the I LOVE shoes!)

Ausmerican Housewife said...

Cute shoes, cute wall arrangement, sad passing of time and feeling like Stevie's slipping away from you. I still haven't gone back to work yet (although I was offered a shift Sunday, on Father's Day -!- which I turned down flat) but it feels like Evan is slipping away from me too. :(

Put on those cute boots, find that comfy cute sweater and here's to the rest of 2010 going absolutely swimmingly awesome.

Noey said...

My husband talked me into watching Crank 2 a few nights ago. It was so awful and ridiculous...blech.

rebecca said...

It's crazy how the changing of the seasons brings out all of these intense emotions surrounding our losses isn't it? I've really been feeling it this week, this fall was supposed to look so different. I too hope that fall is kind to you & that things only begin to look up for you from here on out. Love that picture too and you are living that well my friend, continue to be bold & dream those big dreams!

Jessica said...

Yea for fall as heat just makes me feel sick which is no good when you feel like crap already. Changing seasons...I want to hop on that boat for my life too. I hope fall brings many cure shoes and many positive changes :)

T said...

Thank you for this sweet, yet hopeful, post. And really cute shoes...good jobbers!

mommy4boys said...

I am also very ready for fall and the end of summer. It seems like a new chapter and fresh start. I am glad you are embracing the change. And of course, I love your boots!

Andrea said...

Doesn't it feel good to hit that stride when you feel somewhat good enough to want to cook, clean and just "be". I applaud your efforts sweet friend :)

Happy Belated Birthday! Love the boots and wish you peace in this new season.


JenJen said...

Hi Kristin,

Someone from the second/third trimester loss group on bbc posted the news piece about you and your loss of your daughter...I posted the link on facebook and got the link for your blog...I thought you did a great job of giving a real person account of the pain of a late-term miscarriage (stillbirth). I don't know if I coul've made it through with the grace that you showed during the interview...

First, let me say that I am sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter, Lily, at 23 weeks 2 years ago. I still feel the pain of her absence every day...

I'm glad that you are getting back to some of the normal stuff in life like cooking and decorating. The chicken marsala looks divine!

Huge ((HUGS)) and happy belated birthday!

Jennifer said...

I love your wall with the different frames and pictures. Glad you've been having good, 'normal' days. I hope the coming fall will be kind to you and to all of us, babylost moms.

Lori said...

You go with the cooking!! John would think I'd maxed the credit card or something if he came home to that!!

And the boots....I loved them when you bought them and they look amazing on!!

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