Hopes are up

Dear Elliot,
We rode out the 'high' from our great ultrasound on Friday well into the weekend. I don't know why exactly, but finding out you're a boy just suddenly made this whole thing a lot more real. I felt the same way after finding out your big sis was a girl; everything changes. On Friday I went from growing a baby, to having a son. You're no longer an 'it,' you're a 'he.' No longer an idea, you're a mini person, complete with a name. It actually scares me, because I am still deathly afraid of something going wrong again. And now, if it does, I know it will hurt so much worse. I keep trying to tell myself that if the unthinkable happens again, it's going to be awful (obviously a bit of an understatement), whether or not I try to protect myself or not get my hopes up. Right now, my hopes are up, and I'm choosing to keep it that way.

Anyway, I had been toying around with the idea of going to the big Birth and Baby Expo in Minneapolis this weekend, and decided to go for it. I was feeling more confident and hopeful than I had in a long time and I figured it would be good take a little 'step of faith,' if you will. Up until Saturday, I was so afraid of "jinxing this" that I had yet to really look or think about baby things. So deciding to go to this big baby fair, with hundreds of other pregnant moms, was kind of a big deal for me.

So Dad and I got there right when it started, mainly because I wanted to make sure I got a gift bag (I mean the real reason for going to these things is all the free crap you get, right?!), but also because I wanted to go when it was likely to be less crowded. Overall, it was a fine experience. A little overwhelming, but okay. The one thing that I hated was having every freaking person at every freaking booth ask me if this was our first. I lied and said "yes" every time, and every time I hated doing it. I just didn't feel like repeating the whole story to the random chiropractor I am never going to see again, or the annoying lady trying to sell me a $200 post-delivery hospital massage (although that does sound kind of amazing!). But each time I smiled and nodded when asked if you were my first, I felt a pang of sadness mixed with guilt inside. And then whoever I was talking to would assume I knew nothing about pregnancy or birth and would start explaining things and giving advice and all I'd want to do is interrupt them and scream, "I KNOW! This isn't my first time being pregnant or giving birth!"

Like I said, the free crap was really the best part of the whole experience:

Okay, the green onesie was actually not free (I wish)...keep reading for more on that!

After the Expo, Dad and I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up some fruit and cheese for brunch. After stocking up on Honey Crisp apples (on sale for only $1.99/pound!), I was still feeling brave and wandered over to the baby aisle. There, I found the cutest onesie ever, and I just had to buy it for you. You know, as another 'step of faith,' or something.

I had no idea what exactly that funny creature is, but according to google, it's a Mouse Lemur.

Mama and her first official purchase for you :)

While we're talking about onesies, can I just say how much I LOVE baby boy clothes?? I mean, I got really into shopping for girly things for your sister too, but being more of a tomboy myself, I am definitely more naturally drawn to the boy stuff. The dinosaurs, the monsters, the stripes, the Star Wars...oh my! Dad and I spent hours this weekend looking at stuff online and adding things to Pinterest (I know I'm way late on the boarding the Pinterest train, but everyone was right--it's so cool!). Here are a few of my favorite things I want to see you rock someday:

Hand-knit dino hat from Etsy

Elephant onesie from Etsy

Goldfish onesie from Etsy

Batboy onesie from here

Star Wars onesie from here

Darth on a bike onesie from Etsy (this one might be my fave!)

Another Star Wars onesie from Etsy (you're gonna have lots of Star Wars attire, my boy!)

After Dad and I dreamed about our little boy on the way for most of the afternoon, our friends Brady and Erin came over with their own little boy, Isaiah, who is 6 months old, to take some fall family photos. I actually took Brady and Erin's engagement and wedding pictures, so it was pretty fun to now be doing their first baby/family pictures, too! Here are a few of my favorites:

I've been asking all my friends if I can take their pictures so I can get more practice with my camera (in hopes of being able to make some money on the side, someday!), so if you're in the Minneapolis area and want free pics this fall, let me know! :)

After all the busyness of the weekend, I came down with an awful cold last night. So it's soup, mint tea, juice, and Netflix for me today! But before I go, here's one last picture, the belly at 16w3d:

This is quite possibly one of the worst pictures of me ever (I told you I was sick!), but I didn't want to skip a week!

Okay, Baby Boy. Please keep growing and thriving and living! I am seriously beyond excited to meet my little man-cub.

XOXO,
Mom

It's a...

Dear Elliot,
That's right, Baby, you're a little BOY! Well, not so little, actually. You're already measuring big, just like your giant of a daddy (he's 6'10!).

The ultrasound this morning was amazing. Both of your grandmas came with us and it was so special having them there. The only ultrasound my mom had been to before today's was the one where we found out your big sister had died, so I really wanted her to have a happy ultrasound experience, too. And boy oh boy (yep, pun intended!) was it happy this time! It sounded like there was a fireworks display going on in that little exam room. Every time the ultrasound tech would point something out, both of your grandmas would "ooh!" and "ahh!" over it. "Look at the little fingers," the tech would say, and they would pretty much scream with joy. It was so cute, and so much fun to see them both so excited about their little grandbaby.

Once the tech asked whether or not we wanted to know the gender, you weren't shy about showing off your goods! She found your legs, then said, "dink!" and we all knew right away you were a boy (or "manchild" as Dad and I keep referring to you as. That's a Jungle Book reference for anyone who didn't get it!)

Here are a few pictures from the scan:

I'll be getting sprayed by this thing right here in just a few more months!

Love the hand shots. So incredible! 

 Another hand and your big, smart brain :)

Sweet baby boy

After the ultrasound, your grandmas both had gifts for us. The entire waiting room got to watch us open up your first baby boy outfits (don't worry, I checked and every single women in the room was obviously pregnant themselves). Guess it's the pink that they'll be returning to the store this time around!

After seeing my doctor, Dad and I went out to an amazing little Mexican place to celebrate our son. Hope you enjoyed the burrito and unlimited chips and salsa bar as much as I did!

And of course I had to document the wonderful morning with a picture of me and you before we left to go home:

Whoops, please ignore the awesome leopard-print bra I did not realize showed right through my shirt.

It was such a great morning. I love that we can finally start calling you by your name. Elliot James Cook. Maybe you'll grow up to be a drummer, just like your namesake. Dad was already looking up Pantera onesies in hopes we have a little rocker on the way (he used to listen to Pantera with the Elliot you're named after all the time, apparently!) I just can't wait to meet you and see who you become.

I can't explain how wonderful I feel right now. I have a daughter and a son. Wow. My heart is so full of love for both of my babies today.

Keep growing, Elliot (but not too big, okay?)! Your dad and I are so proud to be your parents.

Love,

Mom

It's a...

Dear Elliot,
That's right, Baby, you're a little BOY! Well, not so little, actually. You're already measuring big, just like your giant of a daddy (he's 6'10!).

The ultrasound this morning was amazing. Both of your grandmas came with us and it was so special having them there. The only ultrasound my mom had been to before today's was the one where we found out your big sister had died, so I really wanted her to have a happy ultrasound experience, too. And boy oh boy (yep, pun intended!) was it happy this time! It sounded like there was a fireworks display going on in that little exam room. Every time the ultrasound tech would point something out, both of your grandmas would "ooh!" and "ahh!" over it. "Look at the little fingers," the tech would say, and they would pretty much scream with joy. It was so cute, and so much fun to see them both so excited about their little grandbaby.

Once the tech asked whether or not we wanted to know the gender, you weren't shy about showing off your goods! She found your legs, then said, "dink!" and we all knew right away you were a boy (or "manchild" as Dad and I keep referring to you as. That's a Jungle Book reference for anyone who didn't get it!)

Here are a few pictures from the scan:

I'll be getting sprayed by this thing right here in just a few more months!

Love the hand shots. So incredible! 

 Another hand and your big, smart brain :)

Sweet baby boy

After the ultrasound, your grandmas both had gifts for us. The entire waiting room got to watch us open up your first baby boy outfits (don't worry, I checked and every single women in the room was obviously pregnant themselves). Guess it's the pink that they'll be returning to the store this time around!

After seeing my doctor, Dad and I went out to an amazing little Mexican place to celebrate our son. Hope you enjoyed the burrito and unlimited chips and salsa bar as much as I did!

And of course I had to document the wonderful morning with a picture of me and you before we left to go home:

Whoops, please ignore the awesome leopard-print bra I did not realize showed right through my shirt.

It was such a great morning. I love that we can finally start calling you by your name. Elliot James Cook. Maybe you'll grow up to be a drummer, just like your namesake. Dad was already looking up Pantera onesies in hopes we have a little rocker on the way (he used to listen to Pantera with the Elliot you're named after all the time, apparently!) I just can't wait to meet you and see who you become.

I can't explain how wonderful I feel right now. I have a daughter and a son. Wow. My heart is so full of love for both of my babies today.

Keep growing, Elliot (but not too big, okay?)! Your dad and I are so proud to be your parents.

Love,

Mom

Totally random

Dear Readers,
A couple random reminders/plugs/links I wanted to share with you:

1. Don't forget to make your guess--boy or girl--on this post by tomorrow morning to be entered into the giveaway! I still haven't decided exactly what I'm going to give away, but I know it's going to be crafty and involve pumpkin spice candles. Hey, I need something to keep myself busy with! :)

2. My 16-week ultrasound is tomorrow at 9:30am (central time). Both my mom and Andy's mom and are coming with us--it's gonna be a packed little ultrasound room! Please, please, please send any prayers/good vibes my way that a) we get good news at the appointment, and b) that I don't go completely insane with worry beforehand. I seriously get so incredibly anxious and scared before these things.

3. If you follow Faces of Loss on facebook, you've already been bombarded with this info, but I wanted to put in a quick shameless plug for our I am the Face campaign, which is happening this month. You'd have to be living in a cave not to know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but it's less widely known that October is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Through I am the Face, we are trying to spread awareness of this all-too taboo issue and get people talking. It's also our biggest fundraising campaign during the year. If you have even $1 to spare, please consider making an online donation in Stevie's name here. You have no idea how much each and every donation means, not just to me personally, but to the thousands of other mamas who find support and connection through Faces.

4. Speaking of Faces, I wanted to let my Minneapolis-area readers know about a super cool event going on this weekend. After the Twin Cities Birth and Baby Expo (10am-3pm at Midtown Global Market), Blooma, a local pre and post-natal yoga and wellness center, is hosting their 4th annual Birthday Bash event. In addition to fun activities for the kids, and beer from Harriet Brewing for the adults (well, at least the not pregnant adults!), Blooma will be collecting donations for Faces of Loss, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month--how awesome! I am hoping to be around for at least part of the evening, so make sure to say "hi" if you're there! More info can be found here.

5. I am really excited to be joining my friend Kerri's team over at The Maven of Social Media, as the new Pregnancy/Newborn Contributor. The Maven is always doing all sorts of interesting product reviews and awesome giveaways, so make sure to subscribe and watch out for my posts.

Okay, I think that's it. Hoping I'll be back tomorrow with a happy update!

XOXO,
Kristin

The rain

Dear Stevie,
I've felt like a good cry has been just waiting to happen for awhile now. I've been so focused on the new baby, and trying to stay positive, and scrambling around, trying to figure out the whole work/money/insurance situation, that I knew it was only a matter of time until I broke down.

Today, it finally happened.

First, it was this dumb commercial that played in the middle of the Castle episode I was watching online (in between looking for work, of course!). It was one of those "having a baby changes everything" ads, with an adorable toddler laughing and playing with his dad. My first thought was to rub my belly and think "aww, I can't wait to watch little E play with his/her daddy like that." Then, seconds later, I realized what had just happened. I had just watched a stupid baby commercial and not thought about you, and how you should be doing those cute baby things, for probably the first time ever.

I felt this strange mix of happiness, excitement, sadness, and guilt. And fear. Lots of fear.

Not just the fear of losing another baby, the fear of losing you. All over again.

For the last 17 months, a lot of my life has been centered around you. Grieving, healing, working in the babyloss community. Now that this pregnancy is really starting to sick in and feel a bit more real, I'm afraid that the closer I get to meeting little E, the further away I'll get from you. It absolutely terrifies me.

Then, it started to rain outside. Really hard.

And then, the tears finally came.

We've had such nice and sunny and perfect weather lately; it's like I couldn't be sad when it was so beautiful outside. It's like the rain gave me permission to let it all out. The fear, the sadness, the guilt, the worry. Everything I've been trying to hold inside.

I just rolled over in bed and cried.

The kind of loud, uncontrollable crying, where the dogs cocked their little heads in concern and crawled under the covers with me, as if to let me know they cared.

I listened to the rain fall hard against my window and splatter onto the deck below my bedroom, and cried tears of sadness for the little girl I miss, tears of joy for the little baby fluttering away in my belly, and tears of confusion as I tried to figure out just how I was going to mother them both.

And it felt wonderful.

I wiped my eyes, got up, grabbed my camera (and the dogs), and walked out the front door. Wearing nothing more than sweatpants, a white tank top, and my bare feet, I walked around snapping pictures of the falling rain and watched my dogs blissfully run through piles of wet leaves.

I don't know what it is about the rain, but it has me feeling so much better. Refreshed.

I miss you, Stevie. The intensity comes and goes, but the hole in my heart is always there. It always will be.

Love,
Mom

Best thing, worst thing (15 weeks edition)

Dear E,
My parents had this little dinnertime game they used to force my little brother and I to play when we were growing up: "best thing, worst thing." The rules of the game are pretty self-explanatory: everyone at the table has to share the best thing about their day and the worst thing about their day. As an annoying 11-year-old, I'd often try to get away with super clever answers like "the worst part of my day is having to play this stupid game, and the best part will be when it's over." Like so many things from my childhood, I thought it was so lame. And now? I'm totally going to force it on you, too, someday!

I figured we could start the tradition right now, with a "best thing, worst thing" recap of your 15th week.

The best things:

1. Perfect fall weather. It's been unusually beautiful and warm for October in Minnesota (a state where everyone still talks about the infamous Halloween Blizzard of 1991!). We're talking 70's and 80's during the day, and low 60's once the sun goes down. And I don't know why, but it seems like there are way more colorful leaves piling up on the ground than there have ever been before. I'm looking out my bedroom window right now, and can see them slowly, whimsically, dancing in the breeze. In shades of brown, orange, red, and yellow, they seem to be coming straight out of the sky. It's absolutely lovely.

2. Eating. It's so weird that for so long I could barely stand the thought or sight of food, and now, food is all I think about! All I want to do is eat, eat, eat. And that's what I do. We went to Chipotle for the first time since July last night and it was amazing. Baby, this is what you've been missing out on!

3. Scary movies. For the second year in a row, Dad and I are attempting to watch a scary movie every night during the month of October. Of course you can't have scary movie nights without sleeping bags, hot apple cider and lots of candy--so much fun!

4. A growing baby bump. I love that I am getting to the point where I look obviously pregnant and not just fat. I feel like I'm carrying really high. Does that mean you're a girl?? We'll find out on Friday!

The worst things:

1. Peeing myself. Seriously humiliating, right?! I've noticed this week that every time I sneeze or cough really hard (which is happening a lot; see worst thing #2), I pee my pants a little bit. I told Dad about my little, um, 'problem' last night and his super sympathetic response was, "well that's sexy." Ha. Maybe I'm going to have to invest in some Depends. Now that would be sexy! :)

2. Allergies/a really bad cold/or something. For the last week or so, I've had a horrible stuffy nose and awful itchy eyes. Mainly at night. At first I thought it was a cold, but I feel mostly fine during the day and it's really not going away, so who knows. Either way, it sucks, and is only making worst thing #3 even, well, worse.

3. Insomnia. I think the technical term for it is Pregnancy-Induced Insomnia, according to Dr. Google. I just can't sleep at night. I toss and turn and get up to pee, then toss and turn and get up to pee some more. All.night.long. I counted the other night, and I peed 11 times in an 8-hour period. I have no idea where it's all coming from! Anyway, I don't get much sleep during the night, so I obviously end up being super exhausted during the day, which leads me to worst thing #4.

4. Boring days. I literally have nothing to do during the day (besides sleep!), and I'm bored as hell. I have either been in school or working (or both) since I was like five years old, so this whole not having a job thing is really, really strange. Laying around was fun for a couple days, but I'm already going majorly stir-crazy. And since I'm not working, we have no money, so it's not like I can go out shopping or anything else, really. All this extra time just gives me more opportunities to obsess and worry about you. I need some distractions! I need to get out of this house!

The fun thing about this edition of "best thing, worst thing," is that all of my worst things are really my best things, because they are all related to you, and you are the best thing of all.

I love you, Baby. Can't wait to see you again on Friday (and to watch you roll your eyes and come up with sarcastic answers of your own when I make you play "best thing, worst thing" with your dad and I someday!)

XOXO,
Mom

A device more important than a smoke detector...

Dear E,
Last night I went to the International Stillbirth Summit dinner, part of a three-day event put on by the Star Legacy Foundation. Most of the event consists of doctors and researchers from all over the world presenting on causes and prevention of stillbirth. While I think it is absolutely amazing that everyone is coming together and talking about how to reduce the number of babies that die before they ever take their first breath (like your big sis), I decided that right now was not the best time for me to sit in a room and hear about everything that can (and does) go wrong in a pregnancy. Like I said, this is important, important stuff, but my level of anxiety has been through the roof already and I just didn't think it would be a good or healthy experience for me at the moment. I am so thankful that the wonderful ladies organizing the event have so gracious and understanding to let me just attend the parts of the event I feel comfortable with.

Anyway, the dinner last night was wonderful. It was exhilarating to be in a room with so many other inspiring people who are working to make a difference in the 'baby loss' community: Sherokee Ilse (author of Empty Arms and all around amazing babyloss advocate), Shauna and Lindsey of the Star Legacy Foundation, Sue from My Forever Child, Tim from Babies Remembered, Candy from the Missing Grace Foundation, Marion and Susan, President and CEO of First Candle, and many, many others. I also got the chance to meet the sweetest woman, Carrie, and her mother, all the way from California. Carrie lost her beautiful daughter, Gemma, just a few months ago at 40 weeks. How incredible that she's already out there, learning more about this awful thing that took her daughter's life, and meeting other people who have been there.

I couldn't believe how many people there already knew all about Faces of Loss and had such wonderful things to say about it. I felt like some sort of celebrity when people would look at me and say, "YOU are the one who started that website?" Don't worry, I'll try not to let it get to my head :) These freaking adorable circle business cards I got to pass out (designed by Julie) didn't make that easy, though!

So during the dinner they had a couple different musical performances. One of them was a concert pianist who shared some of the songs she composed after the loss of two of her children (both stillborn). The whole thing was moving and beautiful, but it started to hit a little too close to home when she started talking about her second stillbirth. She found out she had a clotting disorder after she lost her first baby, so she was seeing both a regular OB and a great Peri, having lots of extra monitoring, and giving herself daily Lovenox injections (sound at all familiar??). Well, that baby died, too. Now I am not at all saying she shouldn't have shared her story, obviously, but I can't deny that that part of the story caused some major panic for me. I held it together just fine on the outside, but inside, as she was singing the song, "Not Again," the one she wrote after that second stillbirth, I was definitely freaking out just a little.

Someone must have told her that I was pregnant again, also after a stillbirth caused by a blood-clotting disorder, because later during the evening, she came up to me and said she was so sorry if she scared me; that everyone else she knows who did the Lovenox shots went on to have healthy babies; that what happened to her was very rare. She also told me that she also had fibroids that were a big part of her losses that she didn't mention in her presentation. I thought it was so kind of her to come talk to me, and told her she didn't have to apologize and that I was so very sorry for what she had been through. The strength and kindness of people truly amazes me sometimes.

Anyway, by the end of the night, all I could think about was you. I just wanted to get home, pull out my doppler, and make sure everything was still okay in there.

So I sped home, ran upstairs, found the doppler, quickly squeezed the blue gel on my belly, and turned it on. It was dead. Apparently I had left it on the last time I had used it, and the battery had died. Of course, it takes one of those big 9-volt batteries which I knew we didn't have any of lying around, so I went downstairs and told Dad we had to run to the store to get a new battery. His response was an eye roll and an, "are you serious? It's almost 11. Can't you just wait until tomorrow?" Um, no, I couldn't.

Then Dad remembered that the smoke detectors in the house all use 9-volt batteries. Problem solved! I'd take the chance of my house burning down if it meant I could hear that precious heartbeat of yours, Baby.

I stole the battery out of one of our smoke detectors (don't worry, Mom, I put it back when I was done!), and was able to find your heartbeat right away. That sound, it just never gets old.

The best $30 I've ever spent (and a bonus picture of Jackie)

15 weeks today. Please, please, please continue to be okay, little E. One week until we (hopefully) find out if you're a little boy or a little girl. I don't care one way or the other. I mean, it's totally 'Team Alive!" for us, all the way.

See you soon, sweet babe.

Love you,
Mom

17 months of loss

Dear Stevie,
In the last (almost) year and a half, I've experienced more loss than I have in my previous 24 years of life combined. First, and obviously the most life-altering, was the loss of you, my first-born baby girl. As we all know, this loss shook me to the core and impacted every area of my life; every part of who I am. It's changed me forever. In many ways for the good, in some ways, probably for the worse. But I know I'll never be the same girl I was before May 8th, 2010.

Then, a few months later, two more losses. Both of my grandmothers, within about a month of each other.

First, my mom's mom got very sick and what followed was months of deterioration and touch-and-go moments. We knew she was going to go, just didn't know when. It was really hard to know she was suffering, and even harder for me to watch my own mom suffer so much. When she did pass away, it was almost a relief. I mean, of course I was sad to lose my grandma, but she had lived 90 wonderful years and I was happy that she would finally be at peace and no longer in physical pain or discomfort.

Then, about a month later, my dad's mom died. This time, it happened suddenly and unexpectedly; completely without warning. One day she was fine, the next, she had a stroke and passed away just hours later.

Because I was still grieving over my own loss (you), I don't know that I ever really allowed myself to grieve over the loss of my grandmas like I should have. It didn't even really hit me until my birthday back in August. I got a card in the mail from Dad'd grandma and I said, "weird, I didn't get anything in the mail from my grandmas this year." I almost forgot. I don't have grandmas to send me sweet birthday cards in the mail anymore.

Over the last 17 months, I've also lost a lot of friends. Yes, I've gained a lot of new friends too, but that doesn't make losing old ones any less painful. There are people that I was sure I would be friends with until the day I died that I rarely, if ever, even speak to anymore. It's really hard.

I've also lost my faith. Not just in God, but in a lot of things. Maybe I was just super naive before, but I really believed there was some sort of higher purpose that could be found for anything. I believed that there was this certain order, certain goodness to the universe. Everything just makes a lot less sense to me now. It all feels so random and out of sorts.

I've lost other things, too. The chance at a normal, happy-go-lucky pregnancy. My love of and natural ease around children and babies (I still love them, but I can't be around them without feeling all awkward and sad most of the time). My innocence. Pieces of my heart I fear I'll never get back.

And now, I've lost my job. My financial security.

I just can't catch a break.

I know I could write just as long of a post (probably longer, actually) listing off all the things I've gained in the last (almost) year and a half, but today, right now, all I can think about is all that's been lost. It feels like every time I pick myself up and dust myself off, BAM, there's something else to kick me right back down to the ground.

I am trying so hard to believe that your little sister or brother, Baby E, is going to be the thing that turns everything around; the start of a new era in my life, one that is not defined by loss but by hope. By joy. By love.

I just need things to start going right. I don't know how much more loss I can handle. I'm getting tired and feeling rather defeated right now.

Here's to hoping that now that I've gotten those feelings out of the way, and out in the open, I can pick myself up once again and look forward to a better tomorrow.

I miss you, Baby.

Love,
Mom

14 weeks

Dear E,
We hit 14 weeks on Friday, which means we've officially entered the second trimester. I can't believe we're already over a third of the way done!

Aside from the total suckiness of losing my job on Thursday, this weekend was actually pretty great. I felt like I should clarify a bit after my last post; I think I may have scared some people and that wasn't my intention. We'll be okay. I can get unemployment, and since my job payed pretty well, it will pretty much be the equivalent to working a fulltime retail job or something like that. And Dad is working, over fulltime hours right now, and while he's not making as much as he was before getting laid off, it's definitely enough to get by. I won't even come close to qualifying for Medicaid or state insurance, but at least we have Cobra. Even if I were to find a new job with benefits (or Dad were to), it's not like I could just start on a new plan already being pregnant, so to make sure my benefits stay the same as they are right now, Cobra seems like the best choice. It's expensive, but like I said, we'll figure out how to make it work. I am also starting the process of fighting for a better severance package from my former employer, based on the highly suspect circumstances surrounding my sudden 'elimination,' but of course I can't talk much about that here. Anyway, after having a few days to really think about things, I am feeling much better and much more hopeful. I am excited to have this opportunity to figure out what it is I really want to do with my life, career-wise, and to have the free time to (hopefully!) make it happen. And hey, maybe now I'll actually have time to finish writing my book, right?!

Okay, sorry for the super long ramble there. Back to the fun stuff :)

I had the energy to more this weekend than I've done in like the two previous months combined. It felt so great to get out of the house, interact with other human beings, and feel like I was actually living in the real world again.

Friday night, we had an impromptu bonfire with some of the neighbors. It was the perfect way to officially welcome fall and its lovely 55-degree evenings. I am so excited for sweatshirt weather!

Saturday, I spent the morning working on my resume and looking at some freelance writing sites online. I also discovered that there were a bunch of new Grey's Anatomy episodes up on Netflix, so naturally I watched a few of those too (I know, I know, it's a horrible show, but I secretly love it). Later that night, Dad and I went to a wedding reception for one of his co-workers. I was so happy I had my appetite back because they had literally like 20 different cakes to choose from, including the most amazing pumpkin cake I've ever tasted. In addition to all sorts of free beer and wine, they also had the cutest little "coffee shop" set up outside. It was great--I sipped on chai tea lattes while Dad sipped on an assortment of fall brews. Another perfect fall night. We didn't get home until...wait for it...10 o'clock! Whoa!

Sunday morning Dad made an awesome breakfast consisting of cottage cheese, fruit, eggs, and apple/maple turkey sausages. I was able to eat everything but the eggs--major progress!

Then we ran errands, thought about driving to the apple orchard, decided we were too broke for that, and then we took you to see one of my all-time favorite bands in concert at First Ave...

...Hanson! Yes, as in the Hanson brothers of 'Mmmbop' fame. I will spare you my usual 10-minute-long In Defense of Hanson speech, but they are still making music and they are still seriously awesome. They put on a great show! During their tour, they let each city vote on which album they want to hear the most songs from during the show, and Minneapolis picked Middle of Nowhere (the Mmmbop album). It was so much fun to sing along to all my favorite songs from my middle school days. I hope you enjoyed the music, Little E. I am so glad you will enter this world having already experienced one of the greatest musical acts in the world live and in concert. I can't wait to jam to Mmmbop together someday soon :)

Hanson circa 1997. My first love is the one in the middle :)

My boys in 2011

Alright, Baby. Talk to you soon!

Love you,

Mom