I decided I want to include two photos of myself.
This first one was taken about 6 weeks after you died, after I had spent 45 minutes or so curled up on the floor of your half-finished nursery, bawling my eyes out. You can read all about it here. I really don't know why I decided to document my red, blood-shot eyes, or the puffy bags under them, but I'm kind of glad I did. Seeing myself like this brings me right back to those dark, horrible days. As much as I'm happy, I guess, that the tears now come less frequently, sometimes I really miss the days when my grief was all-consuming. When I allowed my world to revolve around you and the sadness I was feeling.
Keeping with the theme of bathroom self-pics (God, I feel like a 15-year-old Myspacer right now!), this second picture was taken last month. So 4 months or so after you died. I have a genuine smile on my face. I have a cute headband in my hair. I'm wearing a cute new outfit. In short, I'm feeling good about myself. I guess it's just strange how someone can go from the first picture, to the second picture, in a matter of a couple months. Time is a funny thing.
Today, I look like the girl in picture #2 most of the time. But there are certainly days when I'm back to picture #1. And I think that's okay. They are both beautiful, in different ways.
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17 comments:
Hugs Kristin <3 very well said.
:) thanks for sharing.
They ARE both beautiful...and whether your face shows girl #1 or girl #2, your heart will always know them both very, very intimately as Stevie's mommy...just don't see how it's possible to separate them sometimes.
Beautiful post. I can totally relate. I just hit the 4 month mark on 10/6. Something about it, has made me change. I am finally after four months, starting to feel the life return.
Great post!!!
Ugh Kristin, this brought instant hot tears to my eyes. <3 Love you, beautiful.
They are both beautiful...mostly, I think, because they are both honest, both sincere. Thanks for sharing.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
Thank you so much for sharing both of these. This Wednesday Aiden would have been 2 months old. Today, after receiving his autopsy results, I am the girl in photo #1.
I love this. Not that you had to feel this way at some point, but the transformation that has taken place in you! God is good. :)
I agree honey, both pictures are beautiful in many ways. And I remember my eyes looking like that too. Just last night a dear friend sent me an email exchange that we had many, many months ago. I wanted to cry when I read my words in those emails, but decided to smile instead, as I see how far I've come :)
You've come a long way too. We will forever miss our babies, but they would be proud their mama's smiles are back.
Love to you
So beautiful and so brave to document yourself in such a creative way.
That's a great post, so very true! XO
You're right they are both incredibly beautiful because they show the authentic you. I think it's so awesome that you show you true self and don't try to hide any piece of yourself. Love to you my remarkable friend:)
Your first photo shows raw emotion..and the second one shows a mom who is surviving and has a lot to be grateful for, as your posts often touch on. I love the way you write, so honest and pure. Thank you !
Great post. I'm glad you decided to take picture #1. That's the part of baby loss that few people ever see. When I look like #1 I don't leave the house. Don't want anyone to see me like that. I only go out in #2 mode - and then get terribly frustrated that people are so dismissive of my losses and infertility. I guess it's all very easy for people to dismiss when they only see the #2 version of me.
The first picture breaks my heart, the second makes me smile. I'm so glad for the healing God has done in your heart. I'm glad that, although you won't ever forget your sweet girl, you can still have days where you smile & embrace life. :)
That first picture makes me cry so hard sweetheart. I can just feel the pain through your eyes. :(
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