Monday, October 4, 2010

The Land of WCHB

Dear Stevie,
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in two separate worlds: The Land of Reality and the Land of What-Could-Have-Been.

Most of the time when my mind starts to venture over to the Land  of WCHB, I only stay there for a moment or two, before catching the first train back to the Land of Reality. I'll walk into Target and imagine, if only for a second, browsing through the Halloween onesies with you snuggled up in my Moby Wrap. Or I'll be drying my hair, and my mind goes to a place where you're sitting next to me in your swing, and I have to keep peeking through my upside-down hair to check on you and make sure you're okay.

Usually, I try to make my visits to the Land of WCHB as brief as possible. But sometimes, I kick off my shoes, unpack my bags, make myself at home, and stay for awhile.

Like this weekend. Dad was in a wedding for two of his closest friends growing up. While he was busy with pictures and other wedding party 'duties,' I had a lot of time to myself. A lot of time to think.

For a long time, I had thought of this wedding as one of the first big events you would be at with us.While I was there, I couldn't stop thinking about what it would have/could have been like had you not died. I took quite a few extended trips over to the Land of WCHB throughout the course of the day/night.

In the Land of WCHB, I change your outfit like six times before leaving the house because you just look so cute in every single one of them and I can't make up my mind. You wear a headband with one of those big flowers on the side. Dad gives me all sorts of crap about this, but I don't care. You also wear tights with ruffles on the butt. Again, Dad rolls his eyes (but he secretly loves it.)

In the Land of WCHB, we take a walk around the park while Dad is taking pictures with the wedding party.The leaves are the most beautiful shades of red, yellow, and orange, and I take about a million pictures of you. I also take a couple one my phone, and upload them to facebook right away, with a caption that says, "I have the cutest baby on the planet."

In the Land of WCHB, everybody 'oohs' and 'ahhs' over you, and passes you around. Dad proudly shows you off to all this old high school friends, and they all can't believe how much you look like him already.

In the Land of WCHB, I stand in the back during the ceremony, swaying from side to side to keep you from crying. After it's over, we sneak away for a quick feeding.

In the Land of WCHB, Grandma and Grandpa and your Auntie Katie can't wait to hold you. I am so relieved to get a little break as Katie plays with you.

In the Land of WCHB, Dad brings you out on the dance floor and my heart swells with love as I watch the two of you together.

I'm telling you, the Land of WCHB is a beautiful, beautiful place.

I know I need to reside in the Land of Reality, but there are certainly times where it would be much easier to let myself live in the Land of WCHB forever.

Miss you, baby girl.

Love,
Mom

14 comments:

Sadkitty said...

I know that land. I hate it. I wish my passport would expire or I could be extradited or exiled or whatever.
I drag my whole family there with me sometimes. The kids in WCHB are homeschooled and we got to park days and I cannot go winetasting because I am nursing, etc...

Of course, reality sucks too.

Rhiannon said...

I spend a lot of time in the land of WCHB, too. It's not fair, we should have our sweet babies here with us. Instead we just get to dream about them.

I wish that our daughters were here and the WCHBs didn't exist...thinking of you and Stevie Joy.

Maggie said...

I wish we could live in that land of WCHB and make it real somehow. It seems like such a nice world versus the reality that we actually experience every day. ((((HUGS))))

Amber Roseberry said...

That place is so hard to be. I can imagine Eli in a cute little monkey costume for Halloween and taking both of my boys trick-or-treating. The thought of what I'm missing out on eats at me and it sucks that I cant' do anything about it.

Antoinette said...

I <3 the land of WCHB!!! I usually dont tear up with your posts, but today was definitely one of those...I imagined alyssa dancing with anthony and i couldnt help but feel like we been robbed of this dream land...thinking of you today...xoxo

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

I spend way to much time in the land of WCHB! Thinking of you and sweet Stevie!! xoxo

croleyc69 said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Stevie. The land of WCHB gets me a lot to.

Caroline

butterflymom said...

I love your Land of WCHB. I join you in that land quite frequently, but I think it's okay. I smiled at the thoughts of your little girl in a dress, a flower headband and ruffled tights because it's what I envision Kennedy to be wearing too. Thank you for such a heartfelt post, Kristin. Hugs to you and Stevie always.

rebecca said...

The land of WCHB is such a hard place to come back from when you really let yourself go there, but as you said what a beautiful place. ((hugs))

S said...

I can't believe some people really get to live in the land of WCHB...god I wish I knew what that felt like.

Emily said...

Since August 15th, things have almost been 'harder' in a way because Aidan (and Stevie) should BE HERE now. Before their due dates, we 'should have been' pregnant, but really nothing would be different...we would just be whale sized instead of regular sized. Oh and we would have had to pee a lot more. Now, it's October and we "should" be doing so many things differently than we are now. Our families should be one bigger. Focused on a baby. And they are not. And it sucks. Big time.

The scariest thing for me is that what if WCHB land is only ever just that. What if it never becomes a reality? That thought keeps me up at night.

Sorry you're missing Stevie.

Ausmerican Housewife said...

My mom bought the cutest little pirate halloween costume for us when we were expecting Julia. Of course, she never got to wear it. Mom brought it down for Evan and he never got to wear it. So now it sits in a box awaiting the next baby who is hopefully big enough to fit in it. :( Reality sucks.

Lori said...

xoxoxo

WCHB is what I think of when I think of Heaven.

xoxoxo

Kelly Jean said...

I think it's the land of WSHB... what should have been. It's not fair that this happened to you. I'm so angry for you.

You're such a beautiful writer, a beautiful photographer... and a beautiful mother. Stevie should have been given the chance to grow up with you.

:( :( :(

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