Sometimes I feel like I'm living in two separate worlds: The Land of Reality and the Land of What-Could-Have-Been.
Most of the time when my mind starts to venture over to the Land of WCHB, I only stay there for a moment or two, before catching the first train back to the Land of Reality. I'll walk into Target and imagine, if only for a second, browsing through the Halloween onesies with you snuggled up in my Moby Wrap. Or I'll be drying my hair, and my mind goes to a place where you're sitting next to me in your swing, and I have to keep peeking through my upside-down hair to check on you and make sure you're okay.
Usually, I try to make my visits to the Land of WCHB as brief as possible. But sometimes, I kick off my shoes, unpack my bags, make myself at home, and stay for awhile.
Like this weekend. Dad was in a wedding for two of his closest friends growing up. While he was busy with pictures and other wedding party 'duties,' I had a lot of time to myself. A lot of time to think.
For a long time, I had thought of this wedding as one of the first big events you would be at with us.While I was there, I couldn't stop thinking about what it would have/could have been like had you not died. I took quite a few extended trips over to the Land of WCHB throughout the course of the day/night.
In the Land of WCHB, I change your outfit like six times before leaving the house because you just look so cute in every single one of them and I can't make up my mind. You wear a headband with one of those big flowers on the side. Dad gives me all sorts of crap about this, but I don't care. You also wear tights with ruffles on the butt. Again, Dad rolls his eyes (but he secretly loves it.)
In the Land of WCHB, we take a walk around the park while Dad is taking pictures with the wedding party.The leaves are the most beautiful shades of red, yellow, and orange, and I take about a million pictures of you. I also take a couple one my phone, and upload them to facebook right away, with a caption that says, "I have the cutest baby on the planet."
In the Land of WCHB, everybody 'oohs' and 'ahhs' over you, and passes you around. Dad proudly shows you off to all this old high school friends, and they all can't believe how much you look like him already.
In the Land of WCHB, I stand in the back during the ceremony, swaying from side to side to keep you from crying. After it's over, we sneak away for a quick feeding.
In the Land of WCHB, Grandma and Grandpa and your Auntie Katie can't wait to hold you. I am so relieved to get a little break as Katie plays with you.
In the Land of WCHB, Dad brings you out on the dance floor and my heart swells with love as I watch the two of you together.
I'm telling you, the Land of WCHB is a beautiful, beautiful place.
I know I need to reside in the Land of Reality, but there are certainly times where it would be much easier to let myself live in the Land of WCHB forever.
Miss you, baby girl.
3 hours ago