Trust

Dear Stevie,
So it's not secret I don't really get into 'signs' and things like that. It's not that I don't believe it when other people get signs from their babies, or messages from God or whatever. I am just such a logical person that it's hard for me to honestly believe that anything is actually supernatural, rather than just coincidence or me reading into things. I mean, sure, there was that one time back in August when I saw the most vivid rainbow in the sky and was sure it just had to be a sign that my 'rainbow baby' was just around the corner...but then I didn't get pregnant, so I guess it wasn't! :)

It's also no big secret that I'm not a very religious person. Especially since you died, I've had a really hard time with the whole "God thing." I want to believe. Really, really badly actually. There's just so much that doesn't make sense to me, that just doesn't add up. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet.

Anyway, with all that said, I think maybe someone's trying to tell me something lately.

I don't like to talk a lot about 'trying to conceive' here. Mainly because my real-life friends and family read this and I don't feel comfortable with my dad, or grandmother, or random friends from high school being up-to-date on my ovulation patterns or sex schedule. But it's been a few months and I am not knocked up. I'm starting to get more than a little impatient. You came into our lives when we weren't even trying at all (preventing, actually), so I guess I stupidly expected it to happen again fairly quickly.

I've been discouraged about this. Like, come on, this is what I get for trying so hard to be hopeful?

Then over the last week or so, this simple little word keeps popping up all over the place: trust.

First, I'm talking with my doctor last week, telling her I'm worried there's something wrong with me, something keeping me from getting pregnant again. She says, "I truly believe that it will happen for you when it's meant to happen. It's easier said than done, but you've gotta trust that it will happen at just the right time."

Then a couple days ago I'm in bed, listening to iTunes on random, and just as I'm saying that I am getting really frustrated that I haven't gotten pregnant again yet to the friend I'm chatting with online, the song "I Will Trust You" by Steven Curtis Chapman comes on. These are some of the lyrics:

I don’t even want to breathe right now
All I want to do is close my eyes
And I don’t want to open them again
Till I’m standing on the other side

I don’t even want to be right now
I don’t want to think another thought
I don’t want to feel this pain I feel
But right now pain is all I’ve got
It feels like it’s all I’ve got
But I know it’s not
No I know You’re all I’ve got

And I will trust you, I’ll trust you
Trust you God I will
Even when I don’t understand
Even then I will say again
You are my God
And I will trust You 

And when nothing is making sense
Even then I will say again
God I trust You, I will trust You
I know Your heart is good
I know Your love is strong
And I know Your plans for me
Are much better than my own
So I will trust You, trust You
I trust You God, I will
Even when I can’t see the end

I probably would have brushed this off as another "trust in God song" or whatever, but Steven Curtis Chapman, the guy who wrote this song, he really gets it. I've mentioned him before here, but this was written months after his five-year-old daughter was killed, when her older brother's SUV accidentally rolled over her while she was playing on the driveway. I don't know why exactly, but the words to this song just struck me. It's like, wow. Here's a man who is able to say 'you know what, this makes absolutely no sense to me, but I'm trusting that you know what you're doing.' I think no matter what you think about God or Christianity, it's pretty amazing for someone, in the face of such unfathomable tragedy, to have that level of trust, of hope that things will work out the way they're supposed to.

Then today, Angela has a great post dealing with a lot of the feelings I've been battling as of late. She says, "Tonight another blm (baby loss mom) and I were talking online about ttc (trying to conceive) and trusting God and His timing.  I'll never figure out why His timing isn't my timing." 

There it is, that word trust again.

Alright, I hear ya!

It would appear that's what I need to do. I'm going  to try to let go of this control I think I have and trust that I will get pregnant again someday, and trust that it's going to happen when it's supposed to happen for me. It's not going to work like everything else in my life, where I can just work hard enough and make it happen on my own.

In some ways, it's been a blessing that it hasn't happened right away. Right after you died, I was convinced that I couldn't be happy again until I was pregnant. For a couple months, I sort of lived in limbo, just waiting to be pregnant again so I could start living again. The fact that its taken so long (and I know, a few months is not really "so long" for a lot of people), has forced me to find happiness, to live again, for me. Now. It's made me realize that I need to live and enjoy the life I have today.

I've been listening to that song, 'I Will Trust You,' over and over again. While I'm getting ready for work in the morning, when I'm driving home in traffic, while I'm walking the dogs. If I hear those words enough times, will I actually start to believe them? I think so. I think I'm starting to make them my own already.

I miss you, baby. Almost six months later, and you're still on my mind, and in my heart, all the time.

Love,
Mom