Thursday, October 28, 2010

Trust

Dear Stevie,
So it's not secret I don't really get into 'signs' and things like that. It's not that I don't believe it when other people get signs from their babies, or messages from God or whatever. I am just such a logical person that it's hard for me to honestly believe that anything is actually supernatural, rather than just coincidence or me reading into things. I mean, sure, there was that one time back in August when I saw the most vivid rainbow in the sky and was sure it just had to be a sign that my 'rainbow baby' was just around the corner...but then I didn't get pregnant, so I guess it wasn't! :)

It's also no big secret that I'm not a very religious person. Especially since you died, I've had a really hard time with the whole "God thing." I want to believe. Really, really badly actually. There's just so much that doesn't make sense to me, that just doesn't add up. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet.

Anyway, with all that said, I think maybe someone's trying to tell me something lately.

I don't like to talk a lot about 'trying to conceive' here. Mainly because my real-life friends and family read this and I don't feel comfortable with my dad, or grandmother, or random friends from high school being up-to-date on my ovulation patterns or sex schedule. But it's been a few months and I am not knocked up. I'm starting to get more than a little impatient. You came into our lives when we weren't even trying at all (preventing, actually), so I guess I stupidly expected it to happen again fairly quickly.

I've been discouraged about this. Like, come on, this is what I get for trying so hard to be hopeful?

Then over the last week or so, this simple little word keeps popping up all over the place: trust.

First, I'm talking with my doctor last week, telling her I'm worried there's something wrong with me, something keeping me from getting pregnant again. She says, "I truly believe that it will happen for you when it's meant to happen. It's easier said than done, but you've gotta trust that it will happen at just the right time."

Then a couple days ago I'm in bed, listening to iTunes on random, and just as I'm saying that I am getting really frustrated that I haven't gotten pregnant again yet to the friend I'm chatting with online, the song "I Will Trust You" by Steven Curtis Chapman comes on. These are some of the lyrics:

I don’t even want to breathe right now
All I want to do is close my eyes
And I don’t want to open them again
Till I’m standing on the other side

I don’t even want to be right now
I don’t want to think another thought
I don’t want to feel this pain I feel
But right now pain is all I’ve got
It feels like it’s all I’ve got
But I know it’s not
No I know You’re all I’ve got

And I will trust you, I’ll trust you
Trust you God I will
Even when I don’t understand
Even then I will say again
You are my God
And I will trust You 


And when nothing is making sense
Even then I will say again
God I trust You, I will trust You
I know Your heart is good
I know Your love is strong
And I know Your plans for me
Are much better than my own
So I will trust You, trust You
I trust You God, I will
Even when I can’t see the end


I probably would have brushed this off as another "trust in God song" or whatever, but Steven Curtis Chapman, the guy who wrote this song, he really gets it. I've mentioned him before here, but this was written months after his five-year-old daughter was killed, when her older brother's SUV accidentally rolled over her while she was playing on the driveway. I don't know why exactly, but the words to this song just struck me. It's like, wow. Here's a man who is able to say 'you know what, this makes absolutely no sense to me, but I'm trusting that you know what you're doing.' I think no matter what you think about God or Christianity, it's pretty amazing for someone, in the face of such unfathomable tragedy, to have that level of trust, of hope that things will work out the way they're supposed to.

Then today, Angela has a great post dealing with a lot of the feelings I've been battling as of late. She says, "Tonight another blm (baby loss mom) and I were talking online about ttc (trying to conceive) and trusting God and His timing.  I'll never figure out why His timing isn't my timing." 

There it is, that word trust again.

Alright, I hear ya!

It would appear that's what I need to do. I'm going  to try to let go of this control I think I have and trust that I will get pregnant again someday, and trust that it's going to happen when it's supposed to happen for me. It's not going to work like everything else in my life, where I can just work hard enough and make it happen on my own.

In some ways, it's been a blessing that it hasn't happened right away. Right after you died, I was convinced that I couldn't be happy again until I was pregnant. For a couple months, I sort of lived in limbo, just waiting to be pregnant again so I could start living again. The fact that its taken so long (and I know, a few months is not really "so long" for a lot of people), has forced me to find happiness, to live again, for me. Now. It's made me realize that I need to live and enjoy the life I have today.

I've been listening to that song, 'I Will Trust You,' over and over again. While I'm getting ready for work in the morning, when I'm driving home in traffic, while I'm walking the dogs. If I hear those words enough times, will I actually start to believe them? I think so. I think I'm starting to make them my own already.

I miss you, baby. Almost six months later, and you're still on my mind, and in my heart, all the time.

Love,
Mom

20 comments:

DeniFay said...

Beautiful post and exactly what I needed to hear today. I too, believe if SCC, can "trust" so well after his tragic loss, so can I. Though some days are really hard and I kinda need someone else to carry me through it! Thanks for being that person today!

gomillion and one... said...

It took me 6 months to get pregnant the second time around. I planned my ovulation chart and did all the things I was suppose to. The moment I stopped trying....I got pregnant. People kept telling me that was how it would happen and I didn't believe them.
Take a moment and just think 'it will happen' and stop trying. :)
I wish you luck!

Melissa said...

I almost didn't read your post because it was titled trust *cringe* there is no control in trusting! I like control! It's a moment to moment struggle for me if I'm completely honest. TTC is such a control thing for me but it has to be such a trust thing...especially after Sammy and his complications...so much in TTC & pregnancy is left up to "chance". Ugh.

Love your post. I've actually started thinking in "Dear Sammy" type letters, so much I want to tell him...

Trena said...

beautiful post Kristin and exactly what I am working on for myself right now. Trust. I'm actually in tears. Thank you for writing this...♥

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

This is absolutely beautiful, Kristin. Thank you for sharing those lyrics, I'm very familiar with Steven Curtis Chapman's story, but had not heard that song. :) I'm going to have to check it out, especially since it echoes the words of my heart as well. I think of you and your sweet Stevie often. <3 Praying for you as you are on the long road of TTC. And you're doctor is right, trust! :) It will happen when you least expect it to... Love ya!

Jessica said...

As a Christian even I was amazed by Steven Curtis Chapman's response through such a horr<3ible loss. I can't imagine losing a child because of my other child's mistake. It was such a tragedy. I had never heard the song though so thank you for sharing the lyrics I will have to listen to it. Praying that you will gain some trust very soon :)

Erin said...

Thanks so much for sharing this. I don't think the trust thing is ever easy or ever comes naturally, but it does come. Steven Curtis Chapman's story is quite touching - I've always thought so. It hit even closer to home for us when the pastor who married us accidentally ran over and killed his 22-month old this February. We are very close to that family, so it was a very difficult time for us (and, of course, I can't even imagine what it was like for them). But they proved that trusting God wasn't just words to them, it was a lifestyle...even in such a terribly tragic situation. We took the next flight home when we found out so we could be with them during the preparations and the funeral. I'll never, ever forget that when we finally got to their house, we walked in, and they were having a worship service in their living room. I have never been so touched in my life as I was when I saw the mother and father of this beautiful little boy who had just died at his father's hands holding each other, reading the Bible, singing praises to God, and praying, "Praise you, God. Thank you for our baby's life. We love you, and we trust you" over and over again. That's the sort of trust that I wish I had; that's the sort of trust I need to have.
I know the waiting thing can be hard, especially when you didn't even try to get pregnant the first time, but I also truly know and believe, like your doctor said, that it will happen when it's meant to...which doesn't make the waiting time any easier, I know.
I'm thinking about and praying for you and Andy.

Elaine said...

That was such a beautiful post. I am trying to trust God's plan for me as well but it's a tough thing to do.

Angela said...

Yes, exactly. Thinking of you.

Missy said...

Amazing post! Thank-you!

Antoinette said...

Wondering if you (which you probably did) realize the song of 'trust' is written by "Steve" VERY close to "Stevie".....I never read into things. i never 'believed' any thing can be more than it is...but then there are just SO MANY things that you just have to 'trust' (there goes that word again) means more than you can explain. Thinking of you three and your future rainbow...Wonder if you 'tried to prevent' like before if it would happen then...its so amazing how when you WANT something its almost like you have to learn the patience for it....xoxo

Monica said...

My mom just gave me that Steven Curtis CD a few days ago and I have listened to it over and over again and it amazes me how he gets it!!! Trust has been soooo hard for me as well. We're on our 6 month of ttc right now and it is a moment by moment experience to keep myself trusting despite my feelings and despite my circumstances. I have been trying to control what I can by charting temps, ect. This month I'm taking a break and just seeing what happens. I'm hoping with you that Stevie will be a big sister soon.

Emily said...

I don't really believe in signs either...but like you I just have to trust that when the timing is right it *will* happen.

But could it be ya know...soonish? ;-)

Holly said...

That's why I love his CD so much b/c he gets it and I know his songs are from the heart.

rebecca said...

Thanks for sharing this...I too have always had a difficult time letting go control and trusting, especially given the infertility struggles we already went through to conceive Lily and then to lose her, it's just really hard knowing it won't just happen easily for us. As we prepare to start more infertility treatments I'm trying really hard to accept that it might not work out and that I'm going to try to do everything in my power to make it work, but at some point I have to let go and trust. So much harder to do than say!
Thinking of you and hoping that very soon we're able to celebrate. Thank you for sharing and validating some of the same feelings I've experienced as of late.

Jen said...

It is difficult at times but yes trust...I trying that myself.

Thinking of you.

I am think little miss Stevie is looking down and telling everyone in heaven how much her mama rocks!

Love what you have done with Faces!

Angie said...

Trust is difficult even when you're not struggling with faith. After the death of my son I actually grew stronger in my faith in God. But even as a Christian I have a difficult time trusting God all the time. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

TTC sucks enough as it is. Just remember to breathe. xo

Anonymous said...

I went through very similar emotions following 2 miscarriages and then TTC for the 3rd time. I had SO many people telling me "as soon as you stop trying, it will happen" or "you'll get pregnant when it's meant to be". I didn't believe them. After a year of TTC, we finally got pregnant. Don't give up!

Anonymous said...

First, I just want to say that I am so touched by your blog...your story...and the way that you've made a choice to use what you've gone through for good. I am constantly inspired by the action you've taken, and the way you've chosen to live this experience.
Secondly, I just want to chime in on the TTC thing...my husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years, and I haven't been on birth control for 5 years of that time. We never accidentally conceived like many of my friends (I'm 30), and we've been trying for over a year, unsuccessfully. I just have to tell you that this post has me in tears...not just because of the way I believe God is speaking me through it, but also for the way I can see Him speaking to you.
We've been to the doctor...we're both fine...it just hasn't happened to us yet. I go through a myriad of emotions throughout the month...hope, excitement, anticipation, discouragement, anger, confusion...it's so difficult. But I want the song of my heart to always be that I trust Him...because getting pregnant is truly not in our control, as much as we want it to be or think it is. He is in control, and He allows it to happen in His timing. I am about to go listen to this song, and make it my own anthem...thank you so much for sharing.
I grew up in the church, and I've had my times of darkness and doubt...but I want so badly to REALLY believe that He is good, and that He has good plans for my life. *tear*
You'll never know how much this post means to me.
-AJO

Lori said...

I love that song, and pretty much all of the others he wrote after Maria died...they speak to me in such powerful, powerful ways--I saw him and his wife (another amazing and REAL woman) at Women of Faith in August and just was so humbled and so thankful that they shared how broken they were and yet still able to trust in and believe that God works ALL things for our good....even when we just cannot see how.

I'm sure you know already, but they have a Stevie(ey) in their family too!!

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