August 10th: Sweet relief

Written 8/10/11: 6.5 weeks pregnant

Dear E*,

So Sunday night/Monday morning, at about 1:30AM, I discovered some very light brown discharge one of the many times I got up to pee during the night (sorry to gross you out, but boundaries when it comes to talking about things like bodily fluids kinda go out the window during pregnancy).

I freaked out.

I mean, really. Like almost had a full-blown panic attack. I spent the entire rest of the night wide awake in bed, googling things like ‘brown spotting 6 weeks pregnant,’ ‘light brown discharge early pregnancy normal?’ and ‘early signs of miscarriage’ on my iPhone, until I had all but convinced myself that it was the beginning of the end. I didn’t care about the millions of stories of people who had brown spotting and were just fine; all I could think about were the few that wrote “I had that and then had a miscarriage the next day.” It was awful.

I called my doctor’s office in the morning and was told it was most likely nothing to worry about, that as long as the spotting is brown and not red, it’s probably fine. To just take it easy until my scheduled ultrasound the following afternoon.

So I called into work (thank God my boss is incredibly nice and understanding!), and spent the next 36 hours or so alternating between watching ‘Mad Men’ on Netflix, googling more spotting stories, and getting up to pee so I could obsessively check for more spotting.

By the time my ultrasound appointment rolled around yesterday afternoon, I was a mess. I was dreading the ultrasound because I had completely resigned myself to the fact that is was going to be bad news.

When we were lead back into the ultrasound room, I was shaking all over. Thankfully, the tech was super nice. She started off by saying she was sorry for our loss last year, and that she was going to walk us through and explain everything she was doing as she did the scan.

As soon as the wand went in (it was a transvaginal ultrasound, since I was only 6.5 weeks along), I started looking around the screen for any sign of a baby. For any sign of life. Before she even started doing any measurements or anything, the tech zoomed in on this little bean-shaped creature and said, “there’s the embryo, your baby.”

Then, “and we have a heartbeat.”

With those words, I breathed the biggest sigh of relief. You have a heartbeat. You’re alive. You’re really okay.

The tech went on to measure different things, letting us know everything looked perfect. She checked for a reason for the spotting, but couldn’t find any; said it was probably left over from implantation.

Before it was over, we were able to see and hear your heartbeat. 122bpm. The most beautiful, most hopeful thing I’ve heard in a very long time.

Then, we were given a few ultrasound pictures to take home. When I turned the envelope over and saw it said ‘your first baby pictures’ on it, I started to cry.

After the ultrasound, we met with my doctor. She thinks the spotting I had was probably caused by the progesterone suppositories I have been taking (they are inserted vaginally, and I guess that can cause some irritation to the cervix). She said I might get more of it, on and off, and that she knows that it’s terrifying, but to try to not worry about it. Easier said than done, right?

So all in all, it was a really good appointment, and though I’m still very scared, seeing you and your little heart beating (seriously, how does something the size of a small blueberry have a beating heart??), definitely provided a bit of sweet reassurance.

I have to be honest, I was not prepared for how difficult this whole pregnancy after loss thing is. Mentally, physically, emotionally, it’s just hard.

There’s this part of me that wants to protect myself against getting hurt again, by not letting myself get too attached to you. Thing is, no matter how hard I try, that’s just not possible. I’m already head over heels in love with you, baby.

How strange that I’m now a mother of two.

I love both of you so very much.

Xoxo,

Mom

*We decided to start calling you Baby E for now, since our boy and girl name choices both start with an E.

PS. Here’s my first belly picture, at 6 weeks, 1 day. I know there’s not much there, but you can kinda see the bloat!