So it's no secret that I've struggled a lot with the concept of "faith" since losing you. In the last year or so, I've gone from a place of being really angry at God for letting you die, to a place where I guess I just took God out of the equation altogether; decided that it was just bad luck, that sometimes bad things just happen, that I just happened to draw the short stick that time. God had and has nothing to do with it. Honestly, it's much easier for me to believe in a God that never steps in and saves babies than a God that chooses to miraculously step in for some, but not for others.
Anyway, I had gotten pretty comfortable with my theory of this hands-off God.
But now that I'm pregnant again, the questions keep coming back to me.
I have been absolutely terrified this pregnancy. There are times when I am absolutely certain I am going to lose your little brother or sister, just like I lost you. So certain that I'll actually say things like, "I wouldn't mind doing these injections every night if I really believed it was going to be worth it this time." I know this sounds totally messed up, and it is. People are always telling me I need to have faith. Faith in God that things are going to work out this time around.
But that's my problem--I don't. How can I have faith in a God that let me down so badly the last time I was in this position? I'm sure it's the wrong way of looking at it, but I have faith (or lack of faith) in things, or people, because of my past experiences with them. For example, I have faith in my parents. I have faith that they are always going to be there for me when I need them. But that faith, that trust, is there because of their actions. If they had abandoned me in the past or something, of course I wouldn't have the faith I have in them today. It's the same thing with friends. I have faith in some, and not in others. Same with nature. I have faith that if I hold up a rock and let it go, it's going to fall to the ground. I trust that it's going to fall because I've seen it happen many times. If someone told me I needed to have faith that the rock was going to levitate in the air when I let go, I'd think they were crazy.
That's kind of how I feel about the whole concept of "faith" right now. The only outcome of pregnancy that I've personally experienced is loss. So trying to believe without a doubt that the outcome will be different this time is like trying to believe that if I pick up a rock and let it go, that's it's not going to fall to the ground.
I honestly, truly want to have faith. I want to believe in my heart of hearts that little E is going to come home with us in March. I am incredibly envious of the people I know who are able to find the peace that comes with giving it all up to God, of those that have that kind of faith.
How do I get there? How does one force themselves to have faith in someone or something they really feel abandoned by?
I had all the faith in the world when I was pregnant with you, Stevie. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I'd take you home, watch you grow; that you'd be mine forever. But when you died, my faith died too. I guess I am scared to lay it all out there again. To believe in a happy ending, only to look like an idiot again when it doesn't work out that way.
I'm trying, Baby, I really am. It's just so hard sometimes.
I miss you so much,
PS. Thank you to the kind stranger who posted this on Post Secret yesterday. Someone who follows my blog emailed me the link and it totally and completely made my day, like happy tears and all :)
Not to be rude or anything, but....
4 hours ago