Friday, September 2, 2011

Here we go again...

Dear Stevie,
Notice anything new around here? Not only did Fran over at Small Bird Studios give the blog a beautiful makeover, you might also notice the new picture next to yours on the header. That's right baby girl, you are going to be a big sister! I am 10 weeks along today. I went back and forth on when I should make the announcement on the blog, and decided I could really use the support of my amazing blog friends as soon as possible. This whole experience has been really hard (way harder than I thought it would be), and I don't want to go through it alone any longer.

I have been writing about Baby Cook #2 in a secret blog since finding out, but seeing that I am incapable of keeping up with more than one blog, I am going to start writing about the experience here. I know I may lose some followers who are not at a place where they can read about pregnancy (believe me, I've been there!), but it's important to me to keep you somehow "involved" in your new brother or sister's life. I want you to be a part of this exciting and scary new chapter of our lives.

Here's the first letter I wrote to you about your little brother or sister (copied and pasted from the other blog):


I am starting this new secret blog until I go ‘public’ with the news and can start writing about it on my main blog. What’s this news, you ask? Well, I’m pregnant. That’s right, Baby, you are going to be a big sister! I’ve gone back and forth (and back and forth again) about whether or not I wanted to document this pregnancy in as much detail as I did when I was pregnant with you. I’ve decided I do. I needto. As different as it is this time around, as scared as I am, and as hard as it is to believe that I might actually get to bring home a baby at the end, I owe it to this new little life inside of me. He/she deserves to be celebrated. I’m going to try to swallow my fears and allow myself to be excited. Because if something goes wrong again (please God, just let this work out for me!), I want to be able to say that I treasured and loved every single second I had with this baby…just like I did with you.
So, here’s how it all went down. The ‘finding out’ story if you will:
We hadn’t really been ‘trying’ to get pregnant, but we weren’t being very careful, either. The plan was to just enjoy the summer and re-evaluate in the fall.
Mid-July, we left for vacation in New York. While we were on the plane ride there, I felt what I assumed were super bad PMS cramps. Some quick math determined I was due for my period that week. “Awesome,” I thought. “I just love having my period on vacation.”
As soon as we landed, I headed to the bathroom and popped in a tampon–I mean, we were going to be walking around all day and I didn’t know when I’d get another bathroom break! All week, everyday, I’d do the same thing, determined to ‘catch’ my period before it could ruin my day. But it never came. I did notice some familiar symptoms—the tiredness, the moodiness, etc–but just chalked them up to the fact that it was like 1,000 degrees outside and I was doing way more walking around than I’m used to.
Well,  we got home and the tiredness didn’t go away. Neither did the moodiness (sorry, Andy!). Finally, a few days later, when I was over a week late for my period, I decided to crack open the Dollar Tree test hiding in my bathroom closet. The little ‘test’ line came up even faster and darker than the ‘control’ line!

Sorry for the crappy cell phone pic, it's all I have!
I just stood there, shocked. I didn’t know if I’d ever see those two pink lines again, and there they were. I had dreamed of this day, tried to imagine how I’d feel, for so long. And now that it was happening I just couldn’t believe it. Even after taking more tests, all of which came up VERY positive, it still didn’t sink in. When I found out I was pregnant with you, my mind went to work thinking about day care, and baby names, and nursery themes, like immediately. This time, it was things like chemical pregnancies, miscarriage, and low progesterone that filled my mind right away.
If I had to pick one word that described how I felt (and feel) this time, it would be guarded.
want to be excited and start making plans and daydreaming about bringing home a baby this March, but I’m scared to let my guard down. Afraid to get my hopes up, only to have them shattered into a million little pieces once again.
Anyway, I was able to get in to see my doctor last Friday. I had a blood draw, and we discussed the ‘gameplan’ going forward. I found myself using a lot of ‘ifs.’ IF the baby has a heartbeat. IF I make it to the second trimester. IF I make it to 37 weeks. IF things work out, my due date WOULD be March 30th. Not my due date IS March 30th; it WOULD be March 30th. You know, if the baby doesn’t die before that.
I’m trying so hard to be positive. I’m really making an effort to put ‘good vibes’ out there. To envision a happy ending. I do have a good feeling about this pregnancy, but I had a good feeling with you, too, so I don’t know if I really trust my ‘feelings’ anymore.
I got the results of my blood draw back on Monday. My HCG (the pregnancy hormone) was really high (3,500-something), and my progesterone level was good, too. I literally cried with relief.
I have my first ultrasound on Tuesday, when I’ll be 6.5 weeks. I’m hoping and praying with all my might that we see and hear a heartbeat. Maybe then it will all seem a bit more real to me. If everything looks good, I’ll be starting daily Lovenox injections (a blood thinning medication) to (hopefully) prevent the type of blood clotting that took you from me last year.
As far as how I’m feeling–physically–I’m feeling not so great. Which is great. The horrible all day sickness and puke fest I had with you hasn’t started yet, but it didn’t start last time until about 7 weeks, so it may still be in my future. I’m mainly just super tired and have really awful headaches on and off for most of the day. Sort of like a hangover that lasts all.day.long. Oh yeah, there’s the constant peeing too, which is all sorts of fun. And I almost forgot about the huge porn star boobs that are dangerously close to escaping my bra everyday…
So here I am. Pregnant. A little excited. A lot scared out of my mind. Trying to let me guard down a little more each day.
I love you, Stevie. Forever my first precious baby you’ll be.
XOXO,
Mom

56 comments:

fireworksandrainbows said...

Congratulations...glad you made it public...I had seen you on the boards over at BC and was wondering when you'd make the announcement ;)

Take care, we are TTC right now, and every fear and concern you had when you wrote that letter is exactly how I feel everyday TTC.

Britt said...

OH Kristin! Tears are literally just streaming down my face right now! I am so excited for you and for your husband...and for Stevie Joy! This pregnant after a loss thing is hard, really hard, but know that there are many of us along the journey with you and that when you are feeling overhwelmed and scared out of your mind (like you probably are already feeling) I am here if you need to talk! It's scary and guarded is exactly how I feel too...yes, still, at almost 21 weeks!!

Congrats to you guys and I am so excited for you rainbow baby!!

Tiffany said...

SO excited for you! It's amazing news!!!

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to hear/read this news! I first saw your story on BC and have been following your blog for months...as our due dates were somewhat close together. I have a dear friend who also lost a baby around 24 weeks and just gave birth to her rainbow baby a few weeks ago. Best wishes to you and your family...and congratulations!
-Sarah

Becky said...

Congratulations! I am so happy for you.

Sherri said...

OH im soooo happy for you its weird how someone who I have never met can tug all my heart strings with words on the internet. I was on your August BB and was so sad for you with the loss f your little girl, I have all the hope and sending all the good vibes I have to this new little miracle rainbow. Goodluck! And oncgradulations to you, hubby and baby cook #2!

Julie said...

kristin, i know i will not hurt your feelings when i say every pregnancy announcement i hear is like a stab in the gut. when it's someone in my real life - a non-BLM - i hide them from my FB feed and distance myself from them as much as possible. but when it's a BLM - one with whom i connected early on - i SMILE while feeling that stab in the gut. i really am excited for you! congratulations!

Kevin said...

Yay!!! No more tip toeing around, the secret's out!!! I'm soo excited and beyond happy for you. Welcome to the most terrifying 9 months you'll ever experience! I wish I had some fear shattering advice and words of wisdom to give you, but I've got nothin. I suck. But I love you to pieces!! And you know I'm always always here for you when you want to vent.

Oh, and your blog is super cute. xo

Angie said...

umm... I don't know how I posted that comment as my husband, but it was meant to be from me, not Kevin.

Jen said...

So excited for you! Much love and I will be praying for you! For peace, strength and health!

Jen

AnotherDreamer said...

Congrats, and so many positive thoughts for this pregnancy!

Anonymous said...

SO excited for you, Kristin! I know all to well what it's like to be walking in your shoes... waiting for the bottom to fall out at any given second. I will be praying for you girl, and though I know it's hard...I know that you are a strong woman! CONGRATS!

-Desiree
"Lilly's (and the triplets) Mom"

(PS it wouldn't let me post under my profile...)

katie said...

congrats! good luck with your pregnancy!

Tiffany said...

What wonderful news! Congratulations!

onpinsandneedles.net said...

So excited for you. We are only about a week apart in due dates. I know the cautious optimism you are feeling. I too have MTHFR and PAI (and through in a little FVL), have you started Lovenox?

Natasha said...

Yay the secret is out!!! You know I'm so very happy for you guys and if you need anything I'm here for you mama!

Love ya!!
xoxo

Nika M. said...

Congratulations! I'm so happy and excited for you! And honestly a little scared for you too because I know how badly you want this one to come home.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Allison (Ali) said...

congrats!! excited for u. I too am pregnant with my rainbow and due march 29th!

Dana said...

Congratulations again! I've been watching your blog to see when you made the announcement. I'd like to say I will be following, but we'll have to see since I was due in March too. Likely I'll be reading, but not commenting a whole lot. But I'm hoping for the best, of course. I'm so, so hopeful and nervous, all at the same time.

Your little one is so adorable already.

I love the new blog look.

Congratulations again! and again and again and again.

April said...

Congratulations Kristin! I am in the same boat, 14 weeks and terrified every time I go to the doctor. I am also on Lovenox shots, and they are not as bad as I thought. It is just getting out to work, I can't hide the belly at all! I would like to hide from life and in February say here's the live baby! I am hoping and praying for a peaceful 9 months and a healthy baby in March!

Brie said...

Your letter echoes my exacf feelings as we delve our way through our pregnancy after loss. I have anxiety/ worry about things I know I can't control, and seriously, every time I go to the doc, my only question is..is it still alive? I keep preparing myself that there are no guarantees that we'll bring this one home either..yet, trying to relax and not cheat myself the bliss of carrying a baby again. It's a tricky path..but I am happy that you're getting a chance to make stevie a big sister! One day at a time... You can do this!

Steph said...

I am so thrilled for you!!!

I was due with my daughter the day before you and Stevie...you know that only other crazy chick whose mom put her in the orange inner tube suit to swim. :)

I think of you so often as I look at Lily. I share your story and Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope coming out of that with everyone I know and even people I don't...

You are such a treasure, Kristin and I pray you are able to enjoy this pregnancy and embrace this new life.

Lily was a pregnancy after a loss for me and it was the most terrifying time, so I truly understand. Good luck and God bless!!

xoxox

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I have been in a similar place as you (pregnant after 2 miscarriages) and my emotions went back and forth the whole pregnancy-one minute I was so excited, the next completely terrified. Just try your best to enjoy this new little life, one day at a time. I'll be thinking about you all!

Catie said...

Oh Kristin! I am so unbelievably happy and overjoyed to hear this wonderful news! I can't wait to follow you through your journey! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Kerri said...

Squeeee! Okay, I know I squeeeed weeks ago when you told me your secret, but um, SQUEEEEEEEE! I couldn't be happier for you, Andy and Stevie.

You are such a fantastic Mom. I am looking forward reading about your journey.

Love you my friend.

Kerri

ps love the new header, gorgeous.

Angel Girl said...

kristin i am so excited for you!!!! congratulations on stevies little sibling!! ill be praying for you :-) think positive<3

MamaE said...

Been there! You'll never fully let your guard down, but that's ok. I think it's normal. I lost my first baby and went on to have 2 beautiful kids. This is how I tried to look at it when I was white-knuckling my way through my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies: The odds of everything being ok are pretty good. Since I already had something rare and horrible happen, my odds of something happening again are slimmer, right? I'm not sure if that's logical, but that's what I told myself. It worked out. Wishing you the best! Head over to my blog if you want to read from someone who has been through pregnancy after a loss... www.mystorytour.blogspot.com

Jim and April said...

i will definitely keep reading, im nervous myself about when/if that might happen for us and it will be nice to follow your journey and how you handle this pregnancy after your precious loss. congrats. so happy for you!

crystal theresa said...

congratulations!!!! beautiful news.

Becca and Logan said...

Congratulations hon! I'm glad you decided to share with us.

Crystal said...

First off... I love the new look! The picture caught my eye but I wasn't sure until I started reading. Congratulations!!! I'm so excited for you. I will be sending many prayers for a safe, uneventful pregnancy... which will end with a beautiful, healthy, happy baby and mommy.

Bethany said...

So excited for you Kristin! I am in the same boat...trying so hard to be excited and optimistic for my own pregnancy... 12 weeks today, and still just as scared as the day I peed on 3 sticks. You will be in my thoughts and prayers:) Much love to you, and I can't wait for Stevie Joy to be a big sister!!

Hope's Mama said...

Beautiful news. I'll be thinking of you all the way.
Guarded is a perfect word to describe how pregnancy after loss feels. I've done it twice now and not once did I let that guard down.
xo

Tiffany said...

So happy for you!!!! Love ya my friend!

Rhiannon said...

Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you. I hope that you can continue to find peace along this stressful but wonderful journey! <3

rachel said...

congrats! I am so happy for you :) I too have MTHFR & PAI-1 (along with factor v leiden) & am on lovenox twice/day. your letter describes exactly how I felt when I saw those 2 lines. wishing you peace & happiness!

Tiffany Queener said...

Super big Congrats!

Live like you've never known pain. Love like it's never been lost before. Laugh at everything!

car said...

Congrats to to the whole Cook family!

It's very hard and confusing when you want to be happy and excited and at the same time you are trying to be prepared for the worst. Here's hoping for an uneventful 30 more weeks for you and baby.

rebecca said...

Oh my goodness Kristin, I'm so completely thrilled for you guys!!! I completely understand the guarded feeling, I was the same with our pregnancy after losing Lily, it's impossible not to feel cautious since you have lost your innocence regarding all that can go wrong during pregnancy. Initially we didn't want to find out the sex because we were afraid of becoming too attached and then losing another baby, but eventually we allowed our positive feelings and hope to have more weight then our fear and worry and allowed ourselves permission to become attached to the baby. Holding hope that this pregnancy progresses smoothly for you and in March you'll be welcoming a new life into this world ((hugs))

Catherine W said...

Love the new blog design and love your news even more. I'm so very pleased for you Kristin xo

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, Kristin, Andy & Stevie!! Reading your letter to Stevie you've expressed just about every thought that is currently going through my head ~ you're just 2 weeks a head of me! This is such a frightening time and I get so angry that I can't be blissfully excited like I was in the beginning of my first pregnancy. I want those feelings of hope, excitement, happiness and promise back so badly!

I commend you for your bravery and sharing this wonderful news with others. I haven't been brave enough to share with my fellow Baby Loss Momma friends yet. I know how badly it will hurt and I know that while I could really use their support they may not be able to give it to me. That adds a whole other level of anxiety to an already stressful situation.

Sending you many wishes for peace and comfort and lots of healthy baby thoughts!!

~ S

Rawsonfamilyof5 said...

Congratulations! I am loving the way the blog looks! I followed your journey with Stevie on the baby center boards and I cannot wait to follow you on this journey to a happy healthy baby number 2! Stevie is going to be a wonderful big sister and this baby is lucky to have such a wonderful mom too!

Beryl said...

I am so unbelievably happy for you and thinking about you often. Thanks for this very honest, very real, public post. We've chatted about this a bit, but I've been where you are Kristin. The guardedness and the "if" statements. But you are so right, this baby deserves to have his or her story shared too. Friends often ask me if our Brielle will feel shadowed by the memory of her sister and I always answer no. Because for every comment, post, or thing I do in honor of Bella, I do something equally as special for our living daughter. This new little life you are growing is going to have one heck of a momma and he/she is going to be so lucky to have you. Wishing you much peace as you journey through pregnancy again. xoxo.

gomillion and one... said...

OMG Im so excited for you. Congrats....you so deserve it!

Adrianne said...

Congratulations!!!

rebecca said...

Someone shared this beautiful poem with us after we found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby...

A Different Child
by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again.

Ausmerican Housewife said...

YAY! Welcome little rainbow baby Cook! :D

BBH said...

Congratulations!!!

Tristansmommy said...

Oh Kristin, I am so elated for you, and will be holding you and Andy in my deepest prayers!!!!

Jessica said...

SO incredibly happy for you!

Lisette said...

I am so HAPPY for you, congratulations!!!! It is a scary journey, a different one indeed but embrace it, cherish it and love every moment of it. Again, congrats to you and Andy. ((HUGS))

Leanne said...

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I am so, so happy for you, my friend!

Jenny said...

I am so so SOOOO thrilled for you, Andy, and Stevie!! You're just about 6ish weeks behind me, and I'll be praying for your sweet rainbow when I pray for my Baby.

Eeekkkk!!

AmyHostetler said...

Hi Kristin! Congratulations on Baby E!
I have been following your blog since I had my second miscarriage back in March. I was having a really hard time and started reading about others who have been through loss as well. I had a blighted ovum both times. I was 12 weeks both times when I miscarried. The first time was literally the hardest time in my life. When I went for my ultrasound the second pregnancy, I knew it was bad news when the picture looked the same as it did the first pregnancy at the hospital. Anyway I just wanted to kind of introduce myself since i have been following your story. I am going to start blogging about my journey as well- I think it will be good therapy for me!
Again - I am so excited for you guys! I look forward to hearing the next update!

Shan said...

I am behind on blog reading across the board. This is the BEST place to start catching up. I am so excited for you. Having faced my own losses, I understand some of your fears. If only I could take on those fears for you and let you enjoy the bliss of a happy, fearless pregnancy.

Sending you healthy baby vibes!

Julianne Marie said...

Kristin I'm so happy for you and Andy. I know we don't know each other well, but from reading your blog for many months, and seeing all of your hard work and accomplishments come to life with FOL, I feel like I can truly say how happy it makes me that you and Andy are building a life together. Andy was always such a good friend to me, it's nice to know what a great wife/mom/person/partner he has to share life with.

I've obviously been painfully out of the loop as you are now in the double digits (yay!) but I wanted to say congrats nonetheless.

On a side note, I'm so in love with "E" and could not keep the tears from falling about Elliot and Elle. Love them both.

Wishing you countless happy days.

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