Here we go again...

Dear Stevie,
Notice anything new around here? Not only did Fran over at Small Bird Studios give the blog a beautiful makeover, you might also notice the new picture next to yours on the header. That's right baby girl, you are going to be a big sister! I am 10 weeks along today. I went back and forth on when I should make the announcement on the blog, and decided I could really use the support of my amazing blog friends as soon as possible. This whole experience has been really hard (way harder than I thought it would be), and I don't want to go through it alone any longer.

I have been writing about Baby Cook #2 in a secret blog since finding out, but seeing that I am incapable of keeping up with more than one blog, I am going to start writing about the experience here. I know I may lose some followers who are not at a place where they can read about pregnancy (believe me, I've been there!), but it's important to me to keep you somehow "involved" in your new brother or sister's life. I want you to be a part of this exciting and scary new chapter of our lives.

Here's the first letter I wrote to you about your little brother or sister (copied and pasted from the other blog):

I am starting this new secret blog until I go ‘public’ with the news and can start writing about it on my main blog. What’s this news, you ask? Well, I’m pregnant. That’s right, Baby, you are going to be a big sister! I’ve gone back and forth (and back and forth again) about whether or not I wanted to document this pregnancy in as much detail as I did when I was pregnant with you. I’ve decided I do. I needto. As different as it is this time around, as scared as I am, and as hard as it is to believe that I might actually get to bring home a baby at the end, I owe it to this new little life inside of me. He/she deserves to be celebrated. I’m going to try to swallow my fears and allow myself to be excited. Because if something goes wrong again (please God, just let this work out for me!), I want to be able to say that I treasured and loved every single second I had with this baby…just like I did with you.

So, here’s how it all went down. The ‘finding out’ story if you will:

We hadn’t really been ‘trying’ to get pregnant, but we weren’t being very careful, either. The plan was to just enjoy the summer and re-evaluate in the fall.

Mid-July, we left for vacation in New York. While we were on the plane ride there, I felt what I assumed were super bad PMS cramps. Some quick math determined I was due for my period that week. “Awesome,” I thought. “I just love having my period on vacation.”

As soon as we landed, I headed to the bathroom and popped in a tampon–I mean, we were going to be walking around all day and I didn’t know when I’d get another bathroom break! All week, everyday, I’d do the same thing, determined to ‘catch’ my period before it could ruin my day. But it never came. I did notice some familiar symptoms—the tiredness, the moodiness, etc–but just chalked them up to the fact that it was like 1,000 degrees outside and I was doing way more walking around than I’m used to.

Well,  we got home and the tiredness didn’t go away. Neither did the moodiness (sorry, Andy!). Finally, a few days later, when I was over a week late for my period, I decided to crack open the Dollar Tree test hiding in my bathroom closet. The little ‘test’ line came up even faster and darker than the ‘control’ line!

Sorry for the crappy cell phone pic, it's all I have!

I just stood there, shocked. I didn’t know if I’d ever see those two pink lines again, and there they were. I had dreamed of this day, tried to imagine how I’d feel, for so long. And now that it was happening I just couldn’t believe it. Even after taking more tests, all of which came up VERY positive, it still didn’t sink in. When I found out I was pregnant with you, my mind went to work thinking about day care, and baby names, and nursery themes, like immediately. This time, it was things like chemical pregnancies, miscarriage, and low progesterone that filled my mind right away.

If I had to pick one word that described how I felt (and feel) this time, it would be guarded.

I want to be excited and start making plans and daydreaming about bringing home a baby this March, but I’m scared to let my guard down. Afraid to get my hopes up, only to have them shattered into a million little pieces once again.

Anyway, I was able to get in to see my doctor last Friday. I had a blood draw, and we discussed the ‘gameplan’ going forward. I found myself using a lot of ‘ifs.’ IF the baby has a heartbeat. IF I make it to the second trimester. IF I make it to 37 weeks. IF things work out, my due date WOULD be March 30th. Not my due date IS March 30th; it WOULD be March 30th. You know, if the baby doesn’t die before that.

I’m trying so hard to be positive. I’m really making an effort to put ‘good vibes’ out there. To envision a happy ending. I do have a good feeling about this pregnancy, but I had a good feeling with you, too, so I don’t know if I really trust my ‘feelings’ anymore.

I got the results of my blood draw back on Monday. My HCG (the pregnancy hormone) was really high (3,500-something), and my progesterone level was good, too. I literally cried with relief.

I have my first ultrasound on Tuesday, when I’ll be 6.5 weeks. I’m hoping and praying with all my might that we see and hear a heartbeat. Maybe then it will all seem a bit more real to me. If everything looks good, I’ll be starting daily Lovenox injections (a blood thinning medication) to (hopefully) prevent the type of blood clotting that took you from me last year.

As far as how I’m feeling–physically–I’m feeling not so great. Which is great. The horrible all day sickness and puke fest I had with you hasn’t started yet, but it didn’t start last time until about 7 weeks, so it may still be in my future. I’m mainly just super tired and have really awful headaches on and off for most of the day. Sort of like a hangover that lasts all.day.long. Oh yeah, there’s the constant peeing too, which is all sorts of fun. And I almost forgot about the huge porn star boobs that are dangerously close to escaping my bra everyday…

So here I am. Pregnant. A little excited. A lot scared out of my mind. Trying to let me guard down a little more each day.

I love you, Stevie. Forever my first precious baby you’ll be.

XOXO,

Mom