Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Let it go.

Dear Stevie,
I saw this picture on Pinterest (where else?) and it really struck a chord.


Three simple words, so hard to do. I try not to talk about it much here, because I never know who is reading this blog, but there are some people in my life that have really let me down this last year and a half. People (family, even) who seem like they couldn't care less that you died--have never mentioned you by name since it happened, have never acknowledged the 'important' dates like your birthday, even when I know they see these things all over facebook, and now, don't appear to be interested in your new little brother either. It just makes me really sad (and okay, mad) that so many people out there who haven't even met me take the time to remember you and are so excited about Elliot...and these people that should care, just don't (or at least don't show it at all). 

I am trying really, really hard to not let these few people get me down, but it's hard. It's hard not to hold onto the anger and become bitter toward them. I don't want to be that person, I really don't. 

I guess what it comes down to is that I can't change them. I can't make them act the way I wish they would. All I can do is let it go, by letting them go. 

I really miss you today, baby girl. 

Love always,
Mom

16 comments:

Becky said...

It shouldn't be that way but sometimes it seems the people you expect to be there and support you the most are there the least. I'm am with you on this.

Brooke said...

My sister-in-law is the worst about this. She won't acknowledge any bad things that happen, ever, and she puts Eliza on that list. It infuriates me. She cheerily wished us happy holidays last year (just WEEKS after we lost our baby) and never once acknowledged that we were broken hearted and just trying to survive. When I confronted her about this (via e-mail) she just said, "I know you guys will have a beautiful family someday." And I guess as far as she's concerned, that family doesn't include Eliza. It's infuriating.

But you're right--I can't change the way she is, and I can't make her act the way I want her to. I need to work a little harder at letting go...

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

So true, and so hard. It'd be so much easier if we could just change everyone else! But like you said, we can only change ourselves. And that's hard to do too.

Thinking of you, Stevie and Elliot!

LauraJane said...

These horrible people don't deserve your time or any of your feelings/emotions/love. I have them too, and I hate them.

Beth said...

big hugs. your blogging friends love you. keeping you in my prayers. my best advice for you is just feel sorry for them. be glad you are not like that. you are much better than that. & you never wish to be like that. you are loved. i'm guessing you have special moments to remember & recall those memories instead of thinking of those negative people. (:

Merissa said...

Dear Kristen, I have been reading your blog for a while. I was in the same birth board, my little girl was born August 10th. So I am very firmiliar with your story. And your gorgeous baby Stevie. I am so happy on your new little joy :). The reason I'm commenting now is because this post came at a good time for me.

In 2007 I misscaired two babies, and every day I miss them. I have been through plenty ups and downs, people hurting me, people who should care not caring. I have a small family because the rest of them judged and wrote me out of their lives. On thanksgiving I lost my relationship with my daughters father. We were hitting our two year mark and he just let us go. He stopped caring, he would say he did but never showed it. I haven't heard from him since. Not even to ask for our daughter. Each day I wake up with a new set of emotions. Its been hard accepting the man I thought he was just changed in the matter of a couple days. So this post made me feel a little more hope that I just need to 'let it go' I can't change how he feels. I can't make him want more OR his daughter. You can't change a persons emotions.

So thank you so much for this, and for letting us (strangers) into your world. Like you said you have so many people here for you that will never forget and will always have a spot in their hearts for you and your family.

Laura Beck said...

I needed to read this tonight because i am experiencing the same thing.
it sucks.

Mary said...

I read you loud and clear. I wish I could just let it go...if only it were that easy. Sending you lots of hugs Kristin!

Tiffany said...

yes it's sad but true. people will let us down, and i have felt that myself. you are right, all we can do is let them go. if they can not acknowledge such significant events/people in our lives, they are not worth our time. period.

Anonymous said...

I am struggling with a similar emotion for a different life issue and it's called acceptance. It is so very hard. It's not like there is a manual or a guide or a step by step plan. I think it happens over time and it's hard to not let it swallow you and it's hard not to get caught up in the anger and negative over it. I would say the one thing that's recently helped me is yoga because it forces you to really be in touch with your body and focus on the present and relax. Knowing how hard it is to change yourself and then realizing how you'll never change others is so very helpless feeling. It's empowering though to know that it's up to you to move forward, frame it differently and put a positive spin on it. These major life events really shake the good people out of the tree and you realize who you can count on and who's really there for you thru thick and thin, good and bad. It's disheartening, eye opening and surprising in both good and bad ways. Focus on the people that have come forward, who say the right thing, who are there for you no matter what and like a previous comment, you can feel sorry for them because sadly they have not been thru something life changing yet and had to delve deep down into that place of caring, reaching out, putting yourself out there, crying together, listening, being human, connecting. They are sadly out of touch and don't matter when the going gets tough. Isn't a punch in the gut to grow up and go thru this stuff and figure out the way out? It makes us grow, rethink, challenge, stretch our minds, our emotions, test ourself, learn so much about what we're truly capable of overcoming. You are doing an excellent job of coping, getting thru, seeing the positive side, empowering and inspiring others, sharing, connecting, bringing all of us together because of Stevie and that is powerful stuff. Brings tears to my eyes just typing and thinking about it. Sorry for the rant but I thought it was important!

Janet said...

Kristen, I have been "luker" of your blog for a quite a while now. I love reading it, your words are amazing and a lot of the time they really hit home. Especially this time.

I lost my twins last August and after struggling with why my father and sister never calling me or talking about what happened, I had to let it go and as of right now let them go. I haven't talked to either of them in over a year. They were never there for me after my loss. They barely called, never came to visit or talked about our son and daughter. It was better for them to not acknowledge it and avoid it I guess. I even confronted them because I was so hurt and NOTHING. They were my children and they died and it didn't seem like a big deal to them. That REALLY hurt. I am pregnant again (due around the same time as you with a boy too) and don't need the stress in my life. They have not even acknowledged this pregnancy and I will be 6 months on Sat.

Like you said you can't change them, at first you think they will for you.. but then you realize they are going to feel, think and do what they want. and sometimes it's definitely not what you were expecting and hoped from them.

Sending you ((Hugs))

missingjonah said...

I am starting to experience this too and can't understand it!!

anonymous said...

If you need help, reach out for it. You can't expect everyone on your friends list to sit around and write on every friends wall that has experienced a tragedy. Everyone has losses in their life. I don't think your friends' preoccupation with their own losses means they don't love you or aren't willing to support you if they know you need it.

Kristin said...

@ Anon-I'm not sure why you think I want 'everyone on my friends list' to care about my daughter dying. I'm talking about a handful of people I was/am VERY close to, who act like I never was pregnant before. They also don't have 'losses of their own' that they are preoccupied with. I don't need them to talk about it all the time, but an acknowledgement once or twice a year would be nice. I don't usually respond to individual comments like this, but this one struck me as very strange.

Deanna said...

Some days I think grieving the friends and family I had before River died is almost as hard as grieving him. It is exhausting to wonder why they aren't around anymore, it is frustrating to know there is nothing we can do, and it hurts...
that's my take on it anyway. I guess, like you I have realized it takes a lot less time and energy to let them go. Much love to you dear friend ((hugs))

Kim said...

It is so unfortunate to experience this kind heartache and not have (who you think) are the most important people in your life to stand by your side. No one can understand how heart wrenching and earth shattering this experience is every single day for a very long time unless you've lived it, but it's the people that make an effort to understand that you want to hold near. It is devastating to feel abandoned by people you love and who you think love you at a time like this. Sounds like Anon needs a reality check:/

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