Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The night terrors

Dear Elliot,
During the day, I am doing okay. Good even. You're always moving around (so much actually, that I think you might have inherited your mom and dad's 'ADD tendencies'!) so my anxiety is at a pretty easily managed level. I mean, I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I mostly feel pretty positive and confident that you are doing alright in there. I haven't even had to use my doppler in over a week, because now I can just poke you and get you to poke back if I'm ever in need of some reassurance.

So daytime is good, but nighttime is a different story. Once it's dark and quiet, and Dad is snoring next to me, and the dogs all quiet and cuddled up at my sides, and I'm laying there in that awful state of being really super tired but unable to fall asleep, my mind starts to wander. It goes to those dark places I try to avoid all day long. I start to think about things like "what if my blood is clotting up right now and I don't even know it," or, now that I'm past the 20-week mark, "what if I end up being that girl that has two stillbirths?" I've even all but written out the words I would post on this blog to let my readers know it was all over...again.

It honestly makes me sick to even type this right now. I am absolutely terrified that by thinking those thoughts, I'm going to make them all come true. When my mind starts to go there during the day, I can stop it. But at night, it just gets away from me somehow. It's like I need to be fully awake in order to control it or something.

I think as I get closer and closer to the week we lost Stevie, it's getting worse and worse. The last few nights have been especially bad. You're less active at night, so I spend hours in bed obsessing over every movement (or lack thereof). I feel like I'm constantly rolling onto my back and shaking my belly around to make you kick. I'll literally plead, "come on baby, just one kick so Mama knows you're okay," and lay as still as can be until I feel it. What kind of horrible mom wakes her baby up multiple times during the night for her own piece of mind? It makes me feel like a total psycho to be honest.

Then the morning comes and I feel like a different (much more sane!) person. I'm back to feeling happy and normal and confident again.

These 'night terrors' are really making me dread bed time.

I really need to figure out a way to relax at night (or even better, actually sleep!) This whole experience is really hard. Harder than I ever imagined.

I love you so much, Baby.

XOXO,
Mom

19 comments:

The Sancken's said...

I was told to take a warm bath and relax. Put bubbles in the tub or read while you're in there. And then go right to bed after you've finished. I also have a reassurance for you - I was a nervous wreck until I hit the mark where I lost my little girl, Hope. I found out at our 20 week sono. I was terrified of my 20 week sono this time around. But 20 weeks have come & gone and I will be 29 weeks on Friday (thank you Lord!). But as that week came I was crazy scared, and it has eased up on me as the weeks have passed. Just hang in there, it might get worse before it gets better, but the better after-part is so very rewarding! :) Good luck to you and I hope you can kick these night terrors right out of your mind!!!

vera kate said...

You are doing so awesome, Kristin! Never doubt it for a second. You are an incredibly brave, inspiring, kindhearted and intrepid person; and these are exactly the qualities that make the best kind of mother. Keep on keepin' on. xoxo -- vera

Brie said...

You're not alone. I am guilty of the pokes, prods, sugary donuts, ice water-whatever-it-takes-just-move-baby nights too. I've had not only insomnia, but also nightmares where I actually dream up a situation so lifelike I wake up thinking that my baby is gone. I got as far as getting in the shower and picking out clothes to take to the hospital with me one morning, in a sobbing mess. Then, of course, I got a few swift kicks, and I realized that' "hey wait, it was all just a dream". Terrifying, I tell ya..so I totally get it. I wish I could say as you pass the markmof ate ekes death, it would get easier, but in my case, it hasn't..I think until E is in your arms, you will have your moments of anxiety, doubt and fear of another loss. Just know, that there are others of us out there, just like you-with the same worries and fears, and desire to just have a normal freakin pregnancy like so many others.

Wouldnt a guarantee be nice? I wish!

Brie said...

Oops, autocorrect..the mark of stevies death... Not markmof ate ekes lol

Holly said...

Pregnancy after loss is nervewracking! There were many times I was anxious about feeling her move. I'm sorry that you are having trouble sleeping at night. Maybe see if you can find a relaxing pre-bedtime routine?? Worth a shot I guess.

Sarah said...

Hey Kristin, I'd try an anti-anxiety meditation before bed. There are some really good, cheap iPhone apps. I find that even if I fall asleep before finishing it, I still feel better during the whole night.

Danae said...

I had horrible anxiety during the day, and at night it was about 10x worse...I never thought it could get worse, but for me it was.

Since I was not willing to go on anti-anxiety meds to help my anxiety, my Dr. told me to take Benadryl before going to bed since it is perfectly safe to take during pregnancy. I only did it a couple of times, but it would help me go to sleep. Not sure what your stance is on taking medication during pregnancy, but that's what my Dr. told me, and I thought I would pass it along.

I would like to tell you that it gets better after you make it pass THE week, and maybe for some it does, but for me it didn't. It was still difficult. I am glad that Mr. Elliot is a good mover, because Cameron was not and it drove me crazy! The movements always helped to give peace of mind. But, I remember poking and prodding and jiggling my belly to get her to move. In fact, I remember posting on Facebook one day saying "I love that I can jiggle my belly now, and Cameron will kick back!". Gotta have that peace of mind!

Farfromtheshore said...

I get night terrors too,and ptsd flashbacks to the day my first daughter was stillborn.I'm 34 weeks along and finally found the courage to tell my midwife about the night terrors and anxiety, she put me on a small dose of lexapro each day and it is already helping a lot. It just takes the edge off and so far no more night terrors.

B. Wilson said...

Oh, yep. Totally understand. When the kicks are good and hard, I'm happy. When they are chill like the last two days, I'm NOT happy. Downright frightened actually. Because no matter what you or I do, we WILL be birthing these children. I think about whether I could be THAT girl to have two stillbirths and a miscarriage under her belt with no live children. But then I see all these crazies around me procreating and not being half as good a parent as I'll be. ;) It'll happen. Scary to be in "stillbirth" territory again, though. I know. I know.

rachel said...

right there with you. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I can't stop worrying about my placenta clotting or getting a clot in the cord. it doesn't help that at my last hematologist appointment he told me my antithrombin III levels continue to go down which means my risk for clotting goes up. but he's afraid of upping my lovenox dose because of potential bleeding complications & MFM doesn't even think I need to be on the dose I'm on (40 mg 2x/day). ugh. I'm 28 wks but I don't think I will stop worrying until she is here, healthy & alive!

MamaE said...

I used to drink soda to get baby moving, and I poked my belly a lot too. I think all babyloss mamas who have gone on to have more kids have gone through this. It made me a nervous wreck forever - going into baby's room at night to nudge him a little to make sure he's still breathing, etc. I think it just makes us so worried once we know what we stand to lose. It doesn't got away, but it's all totally worth it.

Kristine said...

You are not a bad mom at all. First of all, babies don't always sleep when we sleep in utero, so maybe he's awake, just chilling out. :) You're doing a great job mama. xo

Angie said...

I totally know what you're going through. I would lay awake for hours doing multiple kick counts because I was sure he was going to die. Pregnancy after stillbirth is terribly hard, I wish I had some sort of words of wisdom to help you get through the next few months. xo

chancingthedance said...

Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no hope or belief that this baby is going to make it. I feel doomed. I try to remind myself that we were able to muster up enough hope just a few months after our son died to start trying again. If I had that hope then, surely I can find it again. But yeah, this whole pregnancy after loss thing is TOUGH. I am sure that it varies, but for me, getting past THAT week was huge. I have been able to relax a lot more since then. But I still have my moments. My husband yells at me because he thinks I'm poking the baby too much. He teases that I'm poking his eyes out. But I can't stand to go too long without feeling him wiggle. I think it's normal to need that reassurance.

Anonymous said...

If you can apply for Medicaid for you and your baby if your income is that low base on what I have read (loss of employment). You could also recieve food stamps and WIC. It's worth the shot if you can!

Although I have no become pregnant after losing my girl, I do not think you are being a 'bad mom' for checking up on your son. Personally I would feel awful (just like you mentioned!) but I know when I do become pregnant again I would be doing the same thing you are doing! When I was pregnant I poked my belly A LOT espeically at night. I fear for the future. I feel also I will that girl who will have 2 stillbirths or some sort of 2 losses. It really sucks honey.

Take it is easy, girl. You are doing great. Your son is truly going to love the heck out of you!

Andrea said...

Night time is the worst. It is certainly where I felt the most alone and helpless to everything. Poor Carter got poked and prodded all the time, just so I could get some peace of mind. I know the anxiety is enough to make a person crazy and there isn't much anyone can say to lessen it. It is the constant excitement mixed with 'should I prepare for the worst' that is exhausting. Plus growing a baby on top of it. Hang in there! ((HUGS))

MK said...

I was that horrible mom who would wake her baby up in the middle of the night. I felt so scared all the time. The only thing that helped with the anti-anxiety drugs the doc prescribed. If you need them, think about asking your doc. They helped me stay sane....

Amber said...

I completely know what you are going through. I do the exact same thing! I wish as well I could tell you it gets better but for me it has not. I am about five weeks past when I went into preterm labor, and my anxiety is getting worse and worse everyday. All I can say is hang in there and when in doubt pull out the dobbler im not so lucky to have one.

Becca and Logan said...

In a few months, he'll get you back by being the one who wakes you up multiple times throughout the night.
Just hang in there...

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