During the day, I am doing okay. Good even. You're always moving around (so much actually, that I think you might have inherited your mom and dad's 'ADD tendencies'!) so my anxiety is at a pretty easily managed level. I mean, I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I mostly feel pretty positive and confident that you are doing alright in there. I haven't even had to use my doppler in over a week, because now I can just poke you and get you to poke back if I'm ever in need of some reassurance.
So daytime is good, but nighttime is a different story. Once it's dark and quiet, and Dad is snoring next to me, and the dogs all quiet and cuddled up at my sides, and I'm laying there in that awful state of being really super tired but unable to fall asleep, my mind starts to wander. It goes to those dark places I try to avoid all day long. I start to think about things like "what if my blood is clotting up right now and I don't even know it," or, now that I'm past the 20-week mark, "what if I end up being that girl that has two stillbirths?" I've even all but written out the words I would post on this blog to let my readers know it was all over...again.
It honestly makes me sick to even type this right now. I am absolutely terrified that by thinking those thoughts, I'm going to make them all come true. When my mind starts to go there during the day, I can stop it. But at night, it just gets away from me somehow. It's like I need to be fully awake in order to control it or something.
I think as I get closer and closer to the week we lost Stevie, it's getting worse and worse. The last few nights have been especially bad. You're less active at night, so I spend hours in bed obsessing over every movement (or lack thereof). I feel like I'm constantly rolling onto my back and shaking my belly around to make you kick. I'll literally plead, "come on baby, just one kick so Mama knows you're okay," and lay as still as can be until I feel it. What kind of horrible mom wakes her baby up multiple times during the night for her own piece of mind? It makes me feel like a total psycho to be honest.
Then the morning comes and I feel like a different (much more sane!) person. I'm back to feeling happy and normal and confident again.
These 'night terrors' are really making me dread bed time.
I really need to figure out a way to relax at night (or even better, actually sleep!) This whole experience is really hard. Harder than I ever imagined.
I love you so much, Baby.
3 hours ago