Monday, July 5, 2010


Dear Stevie,
Long holiday weekends like this are the worst. It's times like these, that are supposed to be so great and so fun, that kill the most. Sunshine. Barbeques. Parties. Good friends. Fireworks. Happy families out and about all over the place, children dressed in red, white and blue. All things that should make me happy. And they so would, if I had you.

It's the should-be happy times that make me the saddest.

Mother's Day. Memorial Day. Father's Day. The Fourth of July. These days have been the hardest since you died. These days, that used to be the best. Next month we have your due date, then my birthday, then me and Dad's anniversary. Days I couldn't wait to get here, and now, am dreading the arrival of. I can't even think about Christmas without wanting to throw up.

How backwards is that?

All of this, every part of you dying is just that. Backwards.

It was a tough weekend, baby girl. I put on a smile and tried my best to enjoy what used to be one of my favorite holidays of the year, but inside, I was dying.

I'm so glad it's over.

Sorry I don't have much to write today. Just know how much I love you. Please know how much I miss you, how much I wish you were here so I could have dressed you up in your own little red, white and blue outfit, and worried about you lighting your hair on fire as you waved around your first sparkler in the driveway. I hope you know how much we wanted to celebrate these happy days with you.



Lindsay said...

You're so right. It's completely backwards. The things we used to look forward to the most, we now dread the most. I know it will change as time goes by, but it's on these days, especially, when we're faced with all that we're missing out on without our babies. Hope this week goes well for well as it can.

rebecca said...

I hear you on the Christmas thing...Nick & I are both dreading that Holiday so much, I too feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Our 4th of July was awful too, so incredibly difficult hearing all the fireworks & knowing so many people are going about their lives in happiness when our baby girl is dead.

Anonymous said...

Yes...your reflections are so true...they have brought back many memories for me (I lost my firstborn many years ago) as well as I reflect back on the special days/holidays and the pain that they bring to a sorrowing heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You have a beautiful love for your daughter, as seen by the depth of your sorrow... for it is the deep, deep grief that can only be a reflection of your deep capacity to love. Hang on to your ability to is in love that you will find healing grace...

j cubed said...

Hi Kristin,

My name is Jen and we lost our little boy Jonas on June 11th, 39 weeks. His heart just stopped beating and we have no idea why. I found you through Annette. I feel like you take the words right out of my mind when you speak to your little girl. Yesterday I literally said word for word, "I can't even think about Christmas without wanting to throw up." I've always been a big holiday person and now just like you I am dreading them. I remember when I found out I was pregnant and realized my due date, I immediately thought no ornaments can be at the bottom of the Christmas tree this year because we'll have a little toddler crawling around trying to grab them. That thought got me beyond excited. It's so hard because the moment you find out you're pregnant you start dreaming and now all those dreams are shattered.

Thank you so much for sharing your blog, it helps me more than you know. I feel so alone at times till I read your blog and others who are in a similar situation. I don't know how we will make it day by day, but I appreciate the strength you give me.

Hugs and Good Night,


P.S. Just a random note; If we ever have a girl I am going to give her the name Kristin. It's always been my favorite girl name and I love it spelled with the IN.

Danae said...

All of those "first" holidays have pretty much sucked for me too. Birthday and Anniversary were no fun this year. My birthday was exactly a week after we lost Bailey, and our anniversary fell on 5 weeks.

Our due date is rolling around next month also. I've already requested the day off. We are going to spend time at her resting place, and I think we are going to do a balloon release. Something to remember the precious life that was.

Violet1122 said...

Holidays - not fun. I'm sorry your 4th of July weekend was particularly hard. I hope the coming days bring you a little peace.

Dana said...

I dread those days too now. Day to day life is hard enough right now, but when those special days hit...I just don't know. I think I'd just like to skip Christmas this year. Jacob should have been 2 months old this Christmas (due in October). Life now just seems like a series of events to get through and the smiles, conversations and laughs are almost all fake and for the benefit of others.

It gets better right? Please tell me it gets better.

Anonymous said...

"There are no holidays from grief." It is the sad and painful truth. Holidays give one a break for the hard work of life, a way to slow down and be refreshed. Unfortunately with the work of grief, there is no opportunity to step away to be refreshed, to think about something else. One day the pain will lessen, but the scar will always remain. One day the raw, intense pain of loss will lessen and you will find a little sense of relief. That time frame is different for each person. Someday...the tears won't come as often, the pain will not be so sharp, there will be a ray of sunshine in your life and perhaps you will even smile and laugh again. With laughter comes the healing... I know because I have been there, too. I have lost four babies, and if I can say this, you can trust that it will get better.

Maggie said...

I agree, holidays, birthdays, events, all of it seem to be the hardest. I don't even remember Thanksgiving last year. Then came my b-day, then Christmas and New Year's. It was like a cruel joke! Wishing you more peaceful days ahead...(((HUGS)))

Post a Comment

Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved