Friday, July 30, 2010

I miss you.

Dear Stevie,
I was doing so good the last couple weeks. Then, out of nowhere, last night, the tears just started flowing. The loud, sobby, uncontrollable kind. Dad asked me what was wrong, and all I could choke out was, "I just miss her."

"I just miss my girl," over and over and over again.

This morning I woke up with the worst "crying hangover" ever. Head pounding. Eyes swollen and crusted over. Stomach in knots.

And now, more tears. Foxy's licking each one off my face as they fall. I'm pretty sure she just likes the salty taste, but whatever. I'm gonna go ahead and pretend she's trying to comfort me.

I miss you, baby. So much. I guess that's really all there is to say.

Love you forever,
Mom

22 comments:

Stephanie said...

Yes ~ I have been there. I is a release, but who wants that when all we want is our baby in our arms. Somewhere I heard that an angel collects each of our tears in a crystal container...I always think how my container must be the size of a minivan by now!

Lately, I miss being able to cry...it feels as if I have cried all the tears out of my body, but that hasn't stopped the build up of emotion. In times when I least expect it, I begin to feel the closing of my throat, a tightening in my chest, that all too familiar tingle in my eyes...It is just so hard. I am so sorry that Stevie is not with you. I love that name because that was what MY PARENTS were going to name me (after Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac) ~ Then for some reason I became Stephanie;)

pennynjon said...

I have those days too. I am sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes it feels better to get it all out. ((hugs))

Erin said...

I'm sure Foxy is trying to comfort you. Animals have this innate ability to understand our feelings...sometimes even better than we can.

I remember this one time something really horrible had happened. I was a mess and went to a friend's house. This friend has a dog that, quite frankly, I have always really disliked. She's loud, hyper, and obnoxious. She isn't well-trained. She constantly jumps on you. You get it. Anyway, I got to my friend's house that day, and this dog just looked at me, and calmly came up to me. Then she followed me to the couch, and as soon as I sat down, she just put her head on my knee and looked at me with loving, sad, "what's wrong?" puppy eyes.

The point it, I bet Foxy is trying to make you feel better.

I think about you all the time and am praying for you guys.

Dana said...

Foxy is trying to comfort you. My cats always seem to know when I am upset, even when I'm not actually crying. I think animals just know.

I hope that today brings some joy to you and that you get a nice sign from Stevie today. I know she is up there missing you too.

Curls O Fred said...

Yes, there are those days when it just hits out of nowhere. I'm glad you have Foxy there to comfort you. My Dinah does a good job of snuggling up to me when I seem to need it most.
I did want to let you know that you won the comfort shawl for the giveaway I had. If you'd email your address (regierdesign@gmail.com), I'll try to get it in the mail soon. Though it's a bit warm for it now, hopefully it can bring some love and good vibes for future times when you are missing Stevie. Much love dear.

Angela said...

It is so hard when you are feeling fine and then suddenly the missing feelings appear and knock you off your feet. I am glad you have Foxy to comfort you. Stevie misses you too and she loves you very much. Sending love to you on this difficult day.

Aethianema said...

Animals can always tell when you're upset. Pets that love you will try to comfort you however they can. Whenever I'm upstairs crying (I keep the bedroom door shut because our cats aren't allowed in there), my cat Tex always ends up right ouside the bedroom door with his nose up against the crack and his paws under the door, meowing so I know he's there. He won't leave the door until I come out and let him know I'm okay. It's comforting in a way, knowing that he's right there, waiting for me, making sure I know he's not going to leave me until he knows that I'm okay. Animals are wonderful.

Anyway...I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Christa said...

So very sorry Kristin, Foxy definitely is trying to help, and I would bet a lot on the fact that Stevie knows how much she is loved, and how much she is missed. Hang in there...

MB and Frank said...

Hi, just found you through Tina (Sophia & Elle's Momma) and found so many similarities in our stories. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I hope the sun shines upon your face again someday.

Jennifer said...

Missing our babies is tough enough but having it come so suddenly and so intensely like what you're feeling today is the most difficult. Hang in there.

Julie said...

i hate crying hangovers, too, but lately i often worry that i'm simply out of tears. thinking of you and stevie...

Antoinette said...

Ahh the roller coaster....the "good days" are good, but when those "bad days" come they hit hard, especially when they are "out of no where" ones...just embrace all of them...and remind yourself that tomorrow is another day...it is still so soon Kristin, dont be so hard on yourself it is absolutely ok...after a good hard cry you will feel better..xoxo..

on a different note, your dog DEFINITELY knows you are sad. For weeks Boo (my oldest) would do this all night long...would not even sleep until i slept. now my little one Coco learned this too...she may be just following lead, but they know when we are sad...((hugs))....hoping your day has gotten a little easier on you =(

Andrea said...

Oh honey,

It's that on the mountain top one day and in the valley the next feeling. Awful, its just plain awful. I've cried those tears, the kind that errode your heart to the core and leave you feeling lifeless.

Only to discover that "tomorrow is a new day", the sun will peek through the clouds and the rain will subside. Until then, bring on the rain...

Much love sweet friend
xxx

Lara + Chris said...

Huge hugs. I've been there. I expect I'll keep being there for years. :(

Violet1122 said...

All of us baby loss moms understand that "I miss you" is all you can say, but it isn't enough.

I'm so sorry you've been feeling so low lately. I hope the next few days brings you some peace. ((Big Hugs))

stephannee said...

Found your blog and have read every post. I do not know your language or your loss...so I won't even try to comfort with words....HUGS to you sweet mom...your baby girl is beautiful and so are your letters to her.

Lucid Anne said...

We understand. I wish we didn't, I wish you didn't have to have those moments as part of a normal new life. :huge tight hugs:

Ausmerican Housewife said...

One of those days for you too, eh?

I thought I was all cried out but then remembered that it was only 6 weeks ago that our little boy was born and in my arms. And then it hits again, and again, and again.

I just ordered some pieces from Tina's site before the "Stevie Sale" ran out. I hope the recipients like them.

We're all dealing with the inconsolable ache of "I miss my baby. I just want my baby, my arms are empty and I just want my baby!" and it's just not fair.

Lori said...

Sometimes I think those are the worst--no reason, no trigger...nothing but just the slap-in-the-face realization that YES, this is your life...and the intensity feels as raw and unbelievable as it did the second you realized your life was forever changed.
Thinking of you and sending lots of love!

Nicole said...

Kristin, I'm sorry you've been having some sadder days. I hope your weekend has been a bit brighter for you. We all have those sudden, out of the blue attacks. I had a few this week myself. Hugging you and sending you love! <3

butterflymom said...

Totally feeling the same thing...the icky sadness that just won't go away. It hurts just to breathe... Hang in there. Hoping for better days ahead.

Leanne said...

Oh my heart aches for you so badly. I wish I knew the words to say. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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