Sunday, July 11, 2010

Date Night

Dear Stevie,
Losing a child can put quite a strain on a marriage. The unfortunate reality is that the odds of "making it" are not on our side. The statistics are ugly, although not all that shocking once you've been through it and know how hard it is. Some articles I've read put the divorce rate for couples who lose a child at around 90%. Dad and I are determined not to become a part of that 90%, but we know it will take a lot of work and conscious effort from both of us to make that happen.

The first couple weeks after you died, we clung to each other and were both handling your death in pretty much the same way: crying all the time and being sad together. Since then, though, we've been in very different places in our grief most of the time. It's easy to feel disconnected and disjointed.

That's why nights like last night's "date night" are so important. It's so nice to go out and talk, face-to-face, without the distractions of the computer or the internet or the TV. To get back on the same page for a bit. To get out of the house and have, dare I say, some fun together.

"Fun" is not a word I use a lot these days, but I can honestly say I had a fun time last night. I can even say it without feeling too guilty, which is pretty huge.

First, we sat outside and ate dinner at one of Dad's favorite places, a fun tiki bar/restaurant in Northeast Minneapolis called Psycho Suzi's:




We had a great time, until it took over an hour for our food to come out. Dad's famous "I'm hungry and crabby" face made an appearance while we were waiting:


But we were all smiles again after devouring our delicious meals:


Then it was off for some after-dinner drinks at the Zombie bar:


The glass reads: "in case of zombie attack, break glass"




We talked over candle light:


Watched the zombie movies playing on the TV mounted above our table:


Took part in the "design your own drink" challenge, and came up with the yummiest cupcake-inspired cocktail ever, which I called "the schlupcake" (had to keep with the zombie theme, you know):


And ended the night with a quiet drive home through the rain:


Of course you were the topic of conversation for most of the night last night, but it was a lot more of the reminiscing about the good times we had with you talks, and a lot less of the being sad and depressed about you dying talks. I liked that, a lot.

The only thing that could have made the night any better would have been coming home to find your babysitter watching TV and you, sound asleep in your crib.

I love you so much, baby girl.

Xoxo,
Mom (and Daddy too)

16 comments:

Ashlee G. said...

You're beautiful!

Holly said...

I think date nights are such a great idea. My DH and I haven't been on a date together for 2 1/2 yrs. I think it's about time for one!

Lucid Anne said...

Amazing. : ) Thank you for sharing pictures! I've been feeling guilty lately for feeling good and for having nice outings with my husband... I'm glad to see you having fun and being ok with it. Maybe it will help me be ok with it too? : )

rebecca said...

Love it...so glad to hear you guys had a wonderful date night & were able to reminisce about happier memories. The schlupcake looks amazing:)

Courtney said...

After losing 3 babies, Jason and I have become closer than ever. We are bound and determined to not fall into those statistics as well. Communication and those special date nights are so incredibly important. I know, I so so know what you mean about feeling guilty though.

*hugs* I'm so glad you had fun, you both deserve it!!!

Violet1122 said...

What a nice date night! It is so refreshing to spend an evening not bogged down in grief. I'm glad you and your husband had a good time.

Andrea said...

Keep up those date nights sweet girl...hug your hubby tight and two of you can weather anthing "together".

Many Hugs, as I know its not easy trudging on, but we keep walking.

ps Love the pic's

Julie said...

this is such a scary statistic. divorce statistics for couples who haven't lost a child are scary enough, but really, how much shit do two people deserve to go through? i would like to think ken and i will be in that 10% who come out of this stronger than ever, but i am heartbroken that i can't say that with 100% certainty.

in a way i feel like if we made it this far (before losing kenny) and are still happy together - which we are, very much - then we can get through anything - but who am i to fight with statistics? (particularly when we came out on the losing end of the statistics that told us how unlikely we were to lose our son at 25 weeks...)

all we can do is be together day to day, face issues as they come up, and focus on staying together and taking care of each other. getting through this episode in our lives would be so much easier if i had some assurance that certain things would turn out the way i hope they do - that not only will we be together and happy - but that we will be together, happy, and raising a family.

i miss ken a lot right now, as he is home working and i am on a trip w/ mom. i can't wait to go home to him, and have our own date night.

Lindsay said...

OMG, totally bizarre- I was totally at Psycho Suzie's on Friday night! We passed the zombie bar and saw the bouncer outside looking totally bored and texting. Needless to say, I eat very early in the evening...

Kerri said...

In my heart Kristin, I know you and Andy will be in the 10%.

Antoinette said...

I cant believe its 90%!!! I remember reading that when we first lost Alyssa, and I was so SHOCKED because me and Anthony were even closer, but I can see how it can all fall apart. We have been there when we just DONT understand each other, and the only advice I can give you 4 and a half months later is TALKING!!! Talking is what gets us past it, and also Agree to Disagree with how both of you grieve. I struggle with this myself but anthony and I NEVER argued before this, and its another road we are not familiar with too....but we try and that is all you can do...at the end of the day, the ONLY two people who will understand Stevies death completely are you and him...((hugs)) hope you and I are in the 10% too!!

Melissa said...

I am glad you are getting out and having a "fun" time. I love looking through when you have a group of photos and seeing which photo you chose as your favorite. Sometimes it is hard to choose just one.

Maggie said...

Love date night!!!! I can't believe statistics are that high! Since Alexandra's loss, I definitely feel like my husband and I have become closer. XO

cowgirltn said...

Heading over from Stirrup Queens. You post was beautiful in so many ways.

ps. I was born and raised in Forest Lake, MN. Until I move to Nashville 14 years ago.

DaisyGal said...

I am here from the Blog Roundup..

and I think your post and your blog is just beautiful. To write to your baby girl about how you are without her and how your life is withouth her, is sad but so rich in love and peace.

I am happy that you and your husband had a nice night out, it's important for your heart. I hope that you have more nights like that....

thanks for letting me read this, it really affected me today

jrs said...

Here from blog roundup, thank you for sharing such a beautiful post. I think writing to your baby girl is a beautiful way to keep her close to you

I am glad you were able to have a good night out. that place sounds fun. that would be hilarious to watch zombie movies during dinner.

your pics of Stevie on the side are beautiful.

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