Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Distant

Dear Stevie,
For about a month after you died, it was so hard for me to believe that I was no longer pregnant. I would forget. I'd put on a shirt, look in the mirror, and literally do a double-take, so surprised to see no belly bump in my reflection. I'd reach into the kitchen cabinet for my Prenatal DHA supplements, sometimes even open the bottle, before realizing I had no reason to take them anymore. Someone would offer me a glass of wine and I'd almost say, "oh, no thanks, I'm pregnant," before realizing, "oh, wait...I'm not."

Now, almost two months have gone by (seriously--how it that possible??), and it is so hard for me to believe that I was ever pregnant at all. Those six months of my life seem so surreal now, like they couldn't have actually happened. Every Sunday, I think "I should be ____ weeks pregnant today." This Sunday, I should be 35 weeks pregnant. I say "should be," but it doesn't really feel that way. I mean, yeah, I "could be" 35 weeks pregnant, if those clots wouldn't have formed in your umbilical cord. But they did. I "would be" 35 weeks pregnant, if you wouldn't have died. But you did.

I'm not sure how to explain this, but it almost feels "right" that I'm not pregnant today. Please don't take that the wrong way. Obviously, it's not what I wanted, but I can't really imagine it any other way. Lately I try to imagine what it would feel like to be 35 weeks pregnant and about to pop, and it just seems so...weird. So strange and unreal. Like I'm trying to imagine what it would feel like to go up in outer space or something.

I can't even begin to comprehend what it would be like to actually have a living baby right now. A friend I was on the August birth board with just announced today that her water broke. She's 37 weeks. About to have her baby. I saw the news and yeah, it made me a little sad, but mostly it just made me feel so disconnected. I thought, "wow, I wonder what that would even feel like, driving to the hospital, knowing you're about to meet your baby. That must be so exciting." I was so close to knowing what it would feel like, but now, it just seems so out-there. So distant.

I hate that the only drive to the hospital I have ever experienced was the one where we drove in silence, knowing we were about to see our baby for the first time, but knowing you would already be dead when when we got to meet you. People say things all the time like, "I can't imagine how it would feel to lose a child." Well, I can't imagine how it would feel to not lose a child.

All I can do, I guess, is hope and pray that one day, I get the chance to know what it's like to pack my bag, drive to the hospital, deliver a screaming baby, look into her* eyes, and know she's mine to keep. I have no idea what that's like, but I'm sure it's absolutely magical.

I love you so much, Baby. I can't believe tomorrow will mark two months since the first and last time I held you. It seems like just yesterday, and an entire lifetime away, all at the same time. I miss you everyday.

Always,
Mom

*I say "her," but I would be perfectly content with a living "him," too. Just wanted to throw that out there, in case God/the Universe/whoever decides these things is reading. I'll gladly take whatever I can get, baby-wise. :)

16 comments:

Family of Earls said...

I understand the feeling of it all seeming so far away. Even though I am only 5 weeks from losing my boys, on the good days it almost feels like I was never pregnant with my twin boys.

I truly hope that one day you will get to experience the other trip to the hospital. And I know you will embrace that much more after losing your baby.

Julie said...

once again, nail on the head. it is unreal to me that after barely more than two months, this is simply a fact of life. our baby is dead. i am NOT having a baby in august. i have two co-workers and two facebook friends pregnant, all due within three months after i was due, and their pregnancies all go on without me. two of them are now in their third trimesters. i never made it that far. i am simply not a member of that club anymore. i "should" be 35 weeks pregnant today, and i "should" NOT be leaving on a 2,000 mile roundtrip roadtrip with my mother tomorrow, but since i'm not pregnant...

Dana said...

As usual, you have basically taken the words right out of my mouth with this posting. I also have trouble believing that I was ever pregnant. I look back at the pictures and I can't believe how big my belly was then, just 5 short weeks ago (where does the time go - each day has felt like 5, but suddenly more than a month has passed since losing Jacob). I can't even imagine what it would be like now, to still be pregnant. I wanted to know so badly. I can only hope that one day I'll find out what it is like to have an even bigger belly and to feel stronger kicks.

Just when I was really starting to believe that I was actually pregnant, that I was actually going to have a baby, it was all taken away from me and sometimes it just seems like that magical 5 months was a dream.

Wouldn't it be great if we all got pregnant at the same time? We help each other through this, then we can all help each other through the next scary but exciting pregnancy.

Your comment at the end made me laugh (which was good, since it made me cry before that), I am also scared of sending out the "wrong vibe" to God, the universe, whatever. I tend to refer to the next baby as a boy, but I will take either one and be so happy. Just as long as the baby is healthy and ALIVE!

Kelley and Chris said...

I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT have lost a child either. It's so much a part of who I am now, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that as part of me. I'd give anything to take it away, but like you said...I just can't imagine.

Ashlee G. said...

I read your blog and I think about you every day. I feel like we're friends in some sort of way. Maybe its cause we're both from Minnesota. (I live in Arizona now though).

I tell your story like you're an old friend.

I really wish that nobody in the world ever had to go through this. But I hope that you know how much yours and Stevie's story has impacted my life.

I wish you a happy forever.

Elise said...

It is weird to think about where you would be today in your pregnancy, I do that too. I should be 20 some weeks but I can't even imagine what it would be like. T&Ps to you.

Maggie said...

I understand so well. It feels like the entire pregnancy was a dream! I remember the first couple of months, I would have to stop and remind myself, 'oh, I can drink that now'. On New Year's, every time I took a sip of champagne, I started crying because I knew me drinking it was because I wasn't pregnant anymore. I wish we all knew what it felt like to have a living baby. I'll be thinking of you & Stevie tomorrow! You're never far from my thoughts.

Michele said...

oh sweetie... thinking of you and sending love...

rebecca said...

I understand it feeling so long ago...already only a week & a half later I feel it's been a month or more, I'm still trying to reconcile all that's happened & find it hard to believe I was ever pregnant. I too have been doing double takes in the mirror all week & I'm so sad that when I go to rub my baby bump & it is gone. Thank you so much for your kind words on my blog tonight, they mean so much to me.

Courtney said...

I swear you are taking the thoughts from my mind and putting them into words I just do not know how to articulate to the world.

You are such an amazing mother in the way you write about Stevie and share her with us.

Wish I could give you a hug in real life.

Always here for you! *hugs*

Violet1122 said...

I'm praying you get to experience all of those motherly things soon, Kirstin.

Thinking of you and Stevie so often...

Elaine said...

That is so true. As painful and surreal as this is it seems like this is the normal now.

Cheek said...

I hate that your hospital drive had to be that way, too, and that this is your new normal. Your writing is so honest and raw - you are making light in the darkness for so many. Bless you and beautiful Stevie.

Emily said...

This exactly. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a 'normal' pregnancy. Mine was so full of blood and stress and bedrest and drinking as much freakin water as I could in order to *try* to get Aidan enough amniotic fluid to survive. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be handed my own baby and have him open his eyes. To have the delivery room full of smiles instead of tears. To see all the women around me just pop out kids like it's no big deal at all just kind of astounds me. It's like something out of a movie or a dream. I'm just so afraid that it will never be my turn, and if it ever is will I even believe it's true? So yes. I'm right there with you. Sometimes I can't believe he died and yet it's also so hard to imagine a future that includes my own living breathing child.

Nicole said...

WOW, Kristin... It amazes me how much I know EXACTLY what you mean by everything you said here. It's unreal. I, too, find myself feeling like being pregnant was just a dream. Almost as if Avery's death and absence feels so much more real than her life and the time she was here. I can't imagine my life pregnant anymore... and I feel like I can hardly remember what that was like. It's hard to explain, but it's really comforting to know that someone out there gets it. It's almost like I can't imagine actually having a living baby, as if it never happens. Or it just seems to happen to everyone else, right? But our days will come, Kristin! I just know it! We have to believe that!! :)

Amanda said...

This is how I feel each time I think about the new baby. I have no idea what it's like to have her and not have her ripped from me and raced away for months, unable to touch or hold, or count on them being alive when I wake up each morning to call. I just can't do it.

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