Lately, I've been desperate for change. It's way beyond what a new haircut or dye job could possibly fix. And even if they could, I kind of like my long hair (it weighs down my out of control waves and frizz), and I am far too lazy for the regular up-keep a dye job requires (I generally wait like eight months between hair appointments, which would make for some pretty appalling roots I would think.) This desire for change I have is also much bigger than a new outfit or pair of shoes could remedy (although I might just use it as an excuse to shop Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale next weekend anyway).
Maybe this need for change has a little something to do with the fact that I had been experiencing and anticipating some pretty big-time changes (you know, like growing my first baby and becoming a parent!) and now they are no longer happening. I was ready for my life to change in an instant. I was even looking forward to it. But then, it just didn't happen, at least not in the way I thought it would.
I'm back to normal. Same old long, un-dyed, frizzy hair. Same old outfits. Same old shoes. Same old life. Same old me.
I decided last night that getting my nose pierced would help the situation. Why not, a facial piercing is a pretty big change, right? I told Dad I wanted to go get it done, like NOW, so we hopped in the car and drove to the same place I got my tattoo for you done a couple months ago. The piercer, who had metal sticking out of at least 14 different places on his face, as well as a diamond stud in his forearm (I'm not even sure how that one is physically possible), asked me, "so, have you been thinking about getting your nose done for a while?" "Yeah, for about a whole 45 minutes," I answered.
Here it is, my big change:
It did help, a little bit anyway. But I'm still craving more (don't worry, I'm not going to go tattooing my forehead or anything like that). I just feel so "blah," so stuck in a rut, and I think I need to feel that same sense of impending change I felt when I was pregnant with you to get me out of it.
The ironic thing about all of this is that I have changed, a lot, in the last couple months since you died. I'm the "same old me," except I'm not. Maybe, subconsciously, I am trying to get my outside to match my inside. I am not the same girl I was nine weeks ago, so maybe I don't want to look just like her anymore. Maybe I see myself as a totally different person, and I want the rest of the world to see that I'm different too. Maybe.
All I know is I want change and I want it bad.
I guess tonight I'll go pierce my lip or something. (Totally kidding, Mom!)
Love you, Stevie. You've changed my life, even if it's been in ways I never planned or imagined you would. Miss you everyday.
Makes the Missing Lighter
1 hour ago