Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Change

Dear Stevie,
Lately, I've been desperate for change. It's way beyond what a new haircut or dye job could possibly fix. And even if they could, I kind of like my long hair (it weighs down my out of control waves and frizz), and I am far too lazy for the regular up-keep a dye job requires (I generally wait like eight months between hair appointments, which would make for some pretty appalling roots I would think.) This desire for change I have is also much bigger than a new outfit or pair of shoes could remedy (although I might just use it as an excuse to shop Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale next weekend anyway).

Maybe this need for change has a little something to do with the fact that I had been experiencing and anticipating some pretty big-time changes (you know, like growing my first baby and becoming a parent!) and now they are no longer happening. I was ready for my life to change in an instant. I was even looking forward to it. But then, it just didn't happen, at least not in the way I thought it would.

I'm back to normal. Same old long, un-dyed, frizzy hair. Same old outfits. Same old shoes. Same old life. Same old me.

I decided last night that getting my nose pierced would help the situation. Why not, a facial piercing is a pretty big change, right? I told Dad I wanted to go get it done, like NOW, so we hopped in the car and drove to the same place I got my tattoo for you done a couple months ago. The piercer, who had metal sticking out of at least 14 different places on his face, as well as a diamond stud in his forearm (I'm not even sure how that one is physically possible), asked me, "so, have you been thinking about getting your nose done for a while?" "Yeah, for about a whole 45 minutes," I answered.

Here it is, my big change:


It did help, a little bit anyway. But I'm still craving more (don't worry, I'm not going to go tattooing my forehead or anything like that). I just feel so "blah," so stuck in a rut, and I think I need to feel that same sense of impending change I felt when I was pregnant with you to get me out of it.

The ironic thing about all of this is that I have changed, a lot, in the last couple months since you died. I'm the "same old me," except I'm not. Maybe, subconsciously, I am trying to get my outside to match my inside. I am not the same girl I was nine weeks ago, so maybe I don't want to look just like her anymore. Maybe I see myself as a totally different person, and I want the rest of the world to see that I'm different too. Maybe.

All I know is I want change and I want it bad.

I guess tonight I'll go pierce my lip or something. (Totally kidding, Mom!)

Love you, Stevie. You've changed my life, even if it's been in ways I never planned or imagined you would. Miss you everyday.

Always,
Mom

18 comments:

pearlmusic said...

I totally get the need for change--I've been trying to put together the words to describe this for a blog. I went from having long, naturally curly hair to a short pixie. The pile of hair on the floor resembled a large rodent!

It was like I needed my outside to match the radical change on the inside. I needed others to see that just because our lives seem like they've gone back to "normal", they haven't. Life never will be the same.

Your nose looks way cute! ;)

Kelley and Chris said...

So cute Kristin! I need change too...but I don't know how to make it happen. We booked a trip to Mexico almost immediately after Jackson died...we leave in a couple weeks. It's not a permanent change, but it is a change of venue I guess. I'm hoping it will 'recharge' my batteries and allow me to get out of the rut. Thinking of you...as always.

Curls O Fred said...

You are so gorgeous. I know what you mean about change. I'm considering what mine could be. Sending love and thinking of you and Stevie. ((hugs))

rebecca said...

I love your new piercing & this post...you made me laugh out loud at a couple points, which I really needed today, so thank you! I'm wondering if the hospital I work at would allow a nose piercing, because I'm totally digging it! BTW, I'm going to buy that book you recommended tomorrow...looking forward to reading it!

Maggie said...

I completely understand your yearning for change too! Thinking of you & Stevie!

caitsmom said...

yes, I get that need for changes as well. Love the pic.

Marissa Marie. said...

Oh I've felt the need for change since the beginning! I'm starting to think/plan out my tattoo for baby Jr. of his footprints on my back. I'm so excited for it! I'm also trying to find a new hobby (which is why I bought the new camera). I love the new piercing by the way :] I've always wanted a monroe, but eh. that was only for about a month, then I got over it LOL.

Danae said...

I think the need for change after what we have been through is "normal". A change in routine, a change in looks, a change in scenery...some kind of change.

I think your nose piercing looks great on you! I personally don't think I could pull it off (and I know the bank I work for wouldn't approve)...but you pull it off wonderfully!!

Andrea said...

Being a true individual is what I admire about you :) Glad you embraced the "change". Sending positive vibes your way as you make your way forward.

xxx

TwoDogMama said...

Thanks for your kind comments on my blog and I love your change. I know exactly what you mean. I see myself headed for a tattoo in the near future. Being a teacher I have to get in a place I can cover it up (which eliminates some fun), but I need a change. Best wishes.

Abbey said...

I agree 100%! After my loss I was ready to quit my job and DH started looking at new houses! We haven't done either of those things but I did cut and color my hair.
I also think wanting a change is feeling like we have control over something. We can't change the one thing we want to change (bringing our babies back) so we try to change something we can change. If it makes youfeel better ... Go for it!!

Dana said...

Your nose piercing looks great! I get the need for change. I am really, really starting to feel the need. I just haven't figured out what to do yet......

car said...

The nose ring looks great on you. I used to fantasize about getting my eyebrow pierced but now I am probably too old to pull it off. I will get a tat someday but I want it to have all my children's names in it so I am holding off in the hopes there will be more kids.

fre1622 said...

Kristin, Congrats on making change happen! I hope this is ok, but I wanted to post here a tribute my daughter, named Kristina, posted on the Baby Center June 2010 board last night. Today is an emotional day for us because it was one year ago today that she gave birth to her son Jeremy, who was born still at 27 weeks.
These are Kristina's words:
A year ago tonight I got the worst news anyone could get. I was 7 months pregnant and from my 20 week ultrasound I was being told there was something new wrong with my baby. It started with a "light spot" on his kidneys, then it went to enlarged ventricals" in his brain. I had a high risk doctor who I was really questioning because he just kept sending me for testing and MRIs and wasn't on the same page with my hospital or my doctor. Well a year ago tonight I stopped feeling my baby kicking. I went into Labor and Delivery, they hooked me up and sent me for an ultrasound then was sent back to L&D where I was told the baby had passed. Jeremy was born still on July 14, 2009. My doctor requested further testing to get me an answer for the cause of death. I have an incompetent cervix and a bloodclotting disorder, PAI-1. I never thought I would get through that part of my life. For a while I was angry, depressed and I felt like it was my fault and I couldn't forgive myself. I met with the bereavement councler at my hospital and she set me up with a support group where we met 3 other wonderful couples who have become some of my great friends now. If it wasn't for them I really don't think I could have gotten through that part of my life. Well tonight is a very emotional night because on June 8th, 2010 I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl Kaitlyn. If you would have told me a year ago she would be here I wouldn't believe it but her being here is such a blessing. I had an amazing doctor who went out of her way to get this baby here safely. Every day that I was on bedrest, had a painful shot in the stomach and painful exams during my pregnancy, it was all worth it because Kaitlyn is a very happy, healthy baby. Because of Jeremy I know so much more than I did before. He made me a stronger and more mature person. I think about him every day and I know that he is with me and his little sister Kaitlyn. I'm sorry this was long but I just wanted to post this in honor of my son Jeremy and give hope to anyone who needs a little bit of it right now. And as sad as I am over losing Jeremy I am just as happy to have Kaitlyn here.

Elaine said...

You are so cute!! I like the ring, not too flashy but definitely a change. It's funny that you posted this, I was just thinking of going and getting a new hairdo. I kind of feel the same way. I'm a different person now so I feel like I should look different too. So that everyone notices.

Leanne said...

I love it! Good for you for finding a way to make a change in your life. Oh, and I thought I'd mention- you are beautiful! I don't know if I've ever told you that before, so I thought I would just in case.

Erin said...

Love the piercing! This might seem weird to say, but even though you just got your nose pierced, I think I've always pictured you with a pierced nose. It suits you :)

Hannah Rose said...

it looks cute! I know what you mean about wanting/needing change. i feel the same way right now

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