My Stevie

Dear Stevie,
Dad and I rode the tandem bike to the beach yesterday. It was super crowded, so everyone was forced to sit basically right on top of each other. While we were laying out in the sun, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation going on less than a foot away from me. It was three girls, right around my age. They were laying on their stomachs, talking all about what they were going to name their future children. The brunette said, "I'm going to name my first boy Jackson, but I don't know, I don't want anyone to call him Jack." The freckled red-head said, "My favorite girl name is Aubrey," to which the blond replied, "No way! My girl name is Audrey!" Then the brunette said, "My girl name is Addison, but it's also my friend Lisa's girl name, so I guess we'll just see who has a baby girl first!" Then they all laughed.

Oh, if only it were that simple, I thought. I have had that exact same conversation, you know "the name talk," about a million times with my girlfriends. We've spent many nights, over the years, giddily talking about our future babies and what we were going to name them. When I was a little girl, I declared my favorite names were "Biss and Buss" (don't ask me how I came up with those, I have no idea!). When I was in elementary school, I decided I was going to name my future baby Felicity, after my beloved American Girl Doll. I had no favorite boy name then, because, well, I hated boys and there was no way I was going to have one. I went through a Payton stage in high school, then had a pretty long ride with Hannah. I had my heart set on Ruby pretty much all through college, until I met one too many Rubies, and decided it had become too popular.

When I got pregnant with you, "the name talks" went into over-drive. I was no longer fantasizing about what I would name some future baby of mine, I was actually deciding what I was going to name the real, live little baby growing in my tummy. It was so much fun! From the moment I got that positive pregnancy test, Dad and I talked about your name almost everyday. If you were a boy, I was set on Charlie. Dad tried his hardest to get me to consider the names Wolf and Flint, and his favorite, Ernest (he was not kidding either!), but I would not budge. At first, we thought we would name you Lucy if you were a girl. Then I heard something about Stevie Nicks on the radio and it hit me. I got home and said to Dad, "what about Stevie for a girl? Like after my dad." He loved it. From then on, he wouldn't consider any other name for you but Stevie. At first I had my doubts, "are you sure it's not too weird?" I would ask him. Eventually, though, I grew to love it. When people would ask, "so what names are you thinking for the baby," I'd say, "If it's a boy, he'll be Charlie. If it's a girl, she'll be Stevie...after my dad. You know, like Stevie Nicks." Sometimes I'd get some pretty weirded-out looks, or the occasional, "why don't you just name her Stephanie and call her Stevie as a nickname?" But I didn't care. It was perfect.

I even kept track of our name choices in an iPhone application!

The day we found out you were a little girl, I started calling you Stevie. I loved that I no longer had to refer to you as "it," or "the baby." You were Stevie. My little Stevie.

At the hospital, after we had found out that you had died, I remember someone asking me, "is her name still going to be Stevie, or are you going to save it for your next baby?" I'll admit, I thought about it for a second. I thought if I name this baby Stevie, I'll never have a daughter with my favorite name. I'll never be able to say, "this is my daughter, Stevie. She's named after her grandpa." It will be wasted.

But the thought of calling you anything but Stevie seemed so, so wrong. You were not a Lucy or a Hannah or a Ruby or a Felicity. You were, and are, my Stevie. Now I realize, even though I don't have a living daughter to introduce as Stevie, I do, and always will have a little girl named Stevie. My dad does, and always will, have a little granddaughter named after him. The name Stevie, was in no way "wasted" on you.

Dad and I have already had a few of "the name talks" since you died. When we talk about what we might name our future baby, I always say it out loud and make sure it sounds good with Stevie. Because you will always be our first child. You'll always be a part of our family. Someday, when we (hopefully) have a Charlie and Lucy and a Henry (our top three names at the moment!), we will also have a Stevie. When people ask me, "what are your kids' names?" I will tell them, "Charlie, Lucy, Henry...and Stevie."

I bet you're one of the only Stevies in Heaven, aren't you baby? Make sure whenever you tell someone your name up there, you also tell them how you were named after your grandpa. I think he would like that.

Love you so much,
Mom

Readers/babyloss moms: What's the story behind your baby's name? Did you name your baby his/her "original" name? If so, did you ever think of naming them something different? Have you already had "the name talk" for future babies? Share! :)