17 months of loss

Dear Stevie,
In the last (almost) year and a half, I've experienced more loss than I have in my previous 24 years of life combined. First, and obviously the most life-altering, was the loss of you, my first-born baby girl. As we all know, this loss shook me to the core and impacted every area of my life; every part of who I am. It's changed me forever. In many ways for the good, in some ways, probably for the worse. But I know I'll never be the same girl I was before May 8th, 2010.

Then, a few months later, two more losses. Both of my grandmothers, within about a month of each other.

First, my mom's mom got very sick and what followed was months of deterioration and touch-and-go moments. We knew she was going to go, just didn't know when. It was really hard to know she was suffering, and even harder for me to watch my own mom suffer so much. When she did pass away, it was almost a relief. I mean, of course I was sad to lose my grandma, but she had lived 90 wonderful years and I was happy that she would finally be at peace and no longer in physical pain or discomfort.

Then, about a month later, my dad's mom died. This time, it happened suddenly and unexpectedly; completely without warning. One day she was fine, the next, she had a stroke and passed away just hours later.

Because I was still grieving over my own loss (you), I don't know that I ever really allowed myself to grieve over the loss of my grandmas like I should have. It didn't even really hit me until my birthday back in August. I got a card in the mail from Dad'd grandma and I said, "weird, I didn't get anything in the mail from my grandmas this year." I almost forgot. I don't have grandmas to send me sweet birthday cards in the mail anymore.

Over the last 17 months, I've also lost a lot of friends. Yes, I've gained a lot of new friends too, but that doesn't make losing old ones any less painful. There are people that I was sure I would be friends with until the day I died that I rarely, if ever, even speak to anymore. It's really hard.

I've also lost my faith. Not just in God, but in a lot of things. Maybe I was just super naive before, but I really believed there was some sort of higher purpose that could be found for anything. I believed that there was this certain order, certain goodness to the universe. Everything just makes a lot less sense to me now. It all feels so random and out of sorts.

I've lost other things, too. The chance at a normal, happy-go-lucky pregnancy. My love of and natural ease around children and babies (I still love them, but I can't be around them without feeling all awkward and sad most of the time). My innocence. Pieces of my heart I fear I'll never get back.

And now, I've lost my job. My financial security.

I just can't catch a break.

I know I could write just as long of a post (probably longer, actually) listing off all the things I've gained in the last (almost) year and a half, but today, right now, all I can think about is all that's been lost. It feels like every time I pick myself up and dust myself off, BAM, there's something else to kick me right back down to the ground.

I am trying so hard to believe that your little sister or brother, Baby E, is going to be the thing that turns everything around; the start of a new era in my life, one that is not defined by loss but by hope. By joy. By love.

I just need things to start going right. I don't know how much more loss I can handle. I'm getting tired and feeling rather defeated right now.

Here's to hoping that now that I've gotten those feelings out of the way, and out in the open, I can pick myself up once again and look forward to a better tomorrow.

I miss you, Baby.

Love,
Mom