Monday, May 24, 2010

The best days of my life

Dear Stevie,
These are the times with you I want to remember for the rest of my life. My mind wants to re-live the moment when the doctor showed me the ultrasound screen and told me there was no heartbeat over and over again. But I am trying to will myself to focus on the many moments of pure joy I had with you. Like:
  • Being on vacation with Dad right after finding out about you and getting a text from my mom that said, "call me when your flight lands, now I have three of you to worry about!"
  • Picking out your first book, "Bear Hug" from a gift shop in Whistler and dreaming about reading it to you one day.
  • Eating disgusting instant mashed potatoes from the gas station for lunch everyday because they were the only thing bland enough for my upset tummy to handle.
  • Being out in public before I was showing; it was so fun knowing I had this amazing secret growing inside me that know one else knew about.
  • Being out in public once I was showing; I was one of those freaks who actually liked it when strangers reached out and rubbed my belly.
  • Shopping for maternity clothes with Jersa and imagining how big my belly was going to be by August.
  • Hearing your heartbeat for the first time at the doctor's office and calling everyone to tell them to the news.
  • Laying in bed with Dad and researching strollers and bike trailers online for hours.
  • The day we found out you were a little girl. Happiest day of my life.
  • The first time Dad felt you kicking. I called him into the bedroom and put his hands on my belly. I'll never forget the look of shock and excitement on his face as he said, "I felt it!"
  • The time Foxy was laying her head on my tummy and you kicked her in the head so hard she snapped her head up, tilted it to the side and looked at me with the cutest confused look on her face.
  • Shopping for little outfits and shoes for you.
  • Practicing using my different slings and wraps with the dogs and imaging how awesome it was going to be carrying you around with me everywhere.
  • Watching my belly button get closer and closer to popping out. It never quite got there.
  • Eating super spicy guacamole and feeling you go absolutely insane inside me. You loved spicy food so much!
  • My 24-week check-up when the doctor could hear you moving around like crazy on the doppler and said, "wow, you have one happy baby!"
  • Picking up and putting together your crib and changing table. I remember saying to Dad, "this is so surreal! Can you believe we're assembling a crib right now?!"
  • Going nuts at Ikea picking out all your bedding and nursery accessories. Dad kept saying "slow down!" and I would reply, "I only get the fun of decorating my first-born baby's nursery once!"
  • Registering for you with my mom.
  • Telling people about your name and how you were named after my dad.
  • Talking with my little brother about what he wanted to buy you for Christmas, and hearing him always get mixed up and say, "I'm gonna be a niece!" or "I'm going to have a new Uncle!"
  • Planning for my maternity leave and thinking about how much fun those first months off with you were going to be.
  • Seeing how excited our parents were to be your grandparents.
  • Watching your dad hold you after you were born. I will never forget the look on his face as he told you how much he loved you. I don't think I've ever loved him more than in that moment.
Thanks for all the wonderful memories Baby. Even though your time with us was short, you have no idea what a huge impact you have made on us all.

Love you and miss you so much,


Violet1122 said...

I had you on my mind today - hope you had some moments of peace.

Thanks for sharing those lovely memories. It's easy for the shock and devastating memories overwhelm us. Thanks for reminding me what I can focus on instead.

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