Sunday, May 23, 2010


Dear Stevie,
It's officially been over 2 weeks since you were born. I keep thinking this has to start getting easier at some point, but it's still so very hard. I'm sad. Just so, so sad. Up until 2 weeks ago, I've been lucky in that I've never really experienced real sadness; at least nothing even close to the intensity of sadness that's consumed me these last 2 weeks.

First of all I'm sad that you died. I'm sad that I won't be bringing you home in August and spending the fall getting to know you. I'm sad I'll never know the color of your eyes (I have a feeling they were blue, like mine) or hear the sound of your voice. I'm sad you'll never call me "mommy." I'm sad for all the could have, should have been.

And I'm also sad that I'm not pregnant anymore. As sucky as it was sometimes (like pretty much the whole first trimester!) being pregnant brought so much excitement, a kind of thrilling, sometimes even scary excitement Dad and I had never felt before. We had something to look forward to. I would wake up everyday with the amazing knowledge that I was one day closer to meeting this child growing inside of me. My life began to revolve around you--thinking about you, getting ready for you, talking about you, dreaming about you.

I miss having something to look forward to. I miss having that excitement in my life. These days I just feel numb. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to wake up for every morning. Nothing excites me like it used to. I find myself saying "I don't care" in response to almost everything.

What do you want to do today?

"I don't care."

What do you want for lunch?

"I don't care."

What movie do you want to watch?"

"I don't care."

It's hard to explain, but I just really don't give a damn anymore. And this coming from a girl who used to have an opinion on everything.

I know you wouldn't want me to be this type of person, and I myself don't want to be this type of person, but I don't know how to find my way out of this sadness. I don't know how to make myself care again.

Sorry for such a depressing post. I miss you so much.



vanis said...

My heart aches for you. I know what you're going first child died of cancer when he was 3 years old. I was sad so much, just like you. I don't know if this will give you any hope, but it does get easier with time. 2 weeks is not a long time so don't worry or feel like you should be getting over it already. You will in your own time, get through it. I remember for the first year I would always estimate dates from the time my son passed away. "It's been 1 month, it's been 2 months..." It never really stops. For me, it's been 18 years, and I still think in those terms when I think of him.
Something will come into your life that will give you solace for your grief. Just know that it won't always hurt as much as it does right now and every day you will get a little bit less sad.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.


Violet1122 said...

I wish there was something I could say to help you feel at least a little bit better. I'm so, so sorry you have lost your little Stevie. Please know that you have a "friend" out here, praying for you. Don't ever be sorry for feeling sad or depressed.

((Big hugs))

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