Shame

Dear Stevie,
One thing that I've been dealing with lately is not only feeling sad, but feeling ashamed about losing you. I'm embarassed that my body wasn't able to do the one (or at least most important) thing it was created to do: produce a living baby. I mean seriously, the odds of something going wrong at 6 and a half months pregnant are less than like .5% (I would know, I googled these kinds of statistics all the time, mainly to give myself reassurance. Ironic, huh?). It seems like everyone else in the world has no problem making a baby that they get to keep. I feel like a piece of faulty equipment. I feel broken.

I feel so guilty. I failed at my first and most important job as your mother: keeping you alive. I tried to do everything right, I swear. I kept track of my protein, fruit, and vegetable servings, took my prenatal vitamins every day, switched from my diet Mountain Dew to caffeine-free Sprite, got my sandwiches microwaved at Subway (because I heard cold lunch meat was bad when pregnant), and stayed away from sushi, wine, and hot baths. I even bought those expensive DHA supplements to make you extra smart.

But I still failed. I don't know that I'll ever get over the guilt I feel over losing you. I know it's not rational to feel so guilty. I know that no one blames me for what happened; even the doctor said there's nothing I could have done differently. I know these things in my head, but in my heart I feel so guilty and ashamed.

Mommy's so sorry Baby.

I love you so much,
Mom