Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Dear Stevie,
One thing that I've been dealing with lately is not only feeling sad, but feeling ashamed about losing you. I'm embarassed that my body wasn't able to do the one (or at least most important) thing it was created to do: produce a living baby. I mean seriously, the odds of something going wrong at 6 and a half months pregnant are less than like .5% (I would know, I googled these kinds of statistics all the time, mainly to give myself reassurance. Ironic, huh?). It seems like everyone else in the world has no problem making a baby that they get to keep. I feel like a piece of faulty equipment. I feel broken.

I feel so guilty. I failed at my first and most important job as your mother: keeping you alive. I tried to do everything right, I swear. I kept track of my protein, fruit, and vegetable servings, took my prenatal vitamins every day, switched from my diet Mountain Dew to caffeine-free Sprite, got my sandwiches microwaved at Subway (because I heard cold lunch meat was bad when pregnant), and stayed away from sushi, wine, and hot baths. I even bought those expensive DHA supplements to make you extra smart.

But I still failed. I don't know that I'll ever get over the guilt I feel over losing you. I know it's not rational to feel so guilty. I know that no one blames me for what happened; even the doctor said there's nothing I could have done differently. I know these things in my head, but in my heart I feel so guilty and ashamed.

Mommy's so sorry Baby.

I love you so much,


Tony and Paulene said...

I could not begin to understand what you are going through. I have been reading you blog for a few months. When I read stevie's birth story I cried and held my belly. I felt like I went through the entire thing with you. Though I know I could never understand your loss.
I think about what I would say to myself if I were in your shoes. I know I would love to just crawl up in a ball and be done with the world. I think sometimes that is the hardest part about losing something so great is that it does not kill you. It does not "put you out of your misery." Instead you have to live with it and the hardest part which is growing from it.
My best suggestion, and you don't have to keep reading if you are not in the mood, but don't ask yourself why or what you did. Focus on what you do know. You know you loved your little girl more than your own life even before you laid a hand on her or saw her little face. She is a miracle, and nothing can take that away from you or her. She was a gift.
I ask myself what else would I repeat in my head to make myself get up everyday and live again. The only thing that comes to mind through the tears and grief is that, despite how much I would love my baby or need my baby. God loved and needed them more. God will never give you more than you can handle in a days time. So he knows your baby was so precious that he took her back into his own arms so she will never know pain or anything else that is ugly from this world. She is now his angel to watch over you and protect you through this journey. She is in your heart and there for never gone.
Being a parent is the toughest job you will ever love. God must know you are a strong woman and wants you to show the world that you can grow from loss and love again, unconditionally forever.

April said...

I know it's so hard not to, but please don't blame yourself. This is easy for me to say to you, but I know personally it's hard to tell yourself that. I still have the feelings that I failed as a mother 7+ years after I lost my son. But you didn't fail Stevie as a mother. You took the best care of her that you possibly could, and from the short time I've "known" you, having read you talk to her, it's very obvious you loved her from the start, and will always love her. The only thing she ever knew was the warmth of her mother, the sweet hum of her voice, and the unconditional love. That's not failure by any means. ((Hugs))

Maggie said...

Me too... it's like your head tells you you did absolutely nothing wrong and you did the very best you could, but your heart tells you that you failed. You are an amazing Mommy to Stevie & she knows it! :) The guilt never truly goes away. I think it's because we love our babies so very much and would have done anything for them. XO

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