Wednesday, May 12, 2010

From Dad

Dear Stevie,

This blog has always been your mom’s thing. One thing that you would have learned about me as you grew up is that I’m not much of a documenter. You would have known that your mom is much better at that than I am. I was thinking about that on a bike ride today and decided that I would write a note to you when I got home.

I listened to my music on shuffle and Johnny Thunders’ cover that he did with the Heartbreakers of “Do You Love Me,” by The Contours came on. I just started crying because I’ve listened to that song a bunch of times waiting for the day that I’d be dancing with you in the kitchen, cooking breakfast on a Saturday morning with that song on in the background. I rode the trails that I ride every day and it further sunk in that I won’t ever get the chance to drag you around in one of those trailers. I wouldn’t get to spend my time riding to work thinking about your exploits. I wouldn’t get to take you to the park after work and watch you run around with other kids while your mom and I met other parents.

I’m really afraid that I’m going to forget the time that we had. The way I hustled home to play bike messenger for your mom when you wanted to eat something specific. The first time that I felt your little kicks. The ways that your mom and I changed because we knew you were coming. Little arguments at Ikea over how much bedding, how many stuffed animals and what kind of diapers we should get for you. I miss you.

Johnny Thunders sang in another song, “You can’t put your arms around a memory.” That line has been stuck in my head. I’m glad I got to hold you, even if it was only for a couple of minutes and I couldn’t stop crying. I’m sad that from here on out, we’re only going to have you as a memory.

I miss you so much.




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