This blog has always been your mom’s thing. One thing that you would have learned about me as you grew up is that I’m not much of a documenter. You would have known that your mom is much better at that than I am. I was thinking about that on a bike ride today and decided that I would write a note to you when I got home.
I listened to my music on shuffle and Johnny Thunders’ cover that he did with the Heartbreakers of “Do You Love Me,” by The Contours came on. I just started crying because I’ve listened to that song a bunch of times waiting for the day that I’d be dancing with you in the kitchen, cooking breakfast on a Saturday morning with that song on in the background. I rode the trails that I ride every day and it further sunk in that I won’t ever get the chance to drag you around in one of those trailers. I wouldn’t get to spend my time riding to work thinking about your exploits. I wouldn’t get to take you to the park after work and watch you run around with other kids while your mom and I met other parents.
I’m really afraid that I’m going to forget the time that we had. The way I hustled home to play bike messenger for your mom when you wanted to eat something specific. The first time that I felt your little kicks. The ways that your mom and I changed because we knew you were coming. Little arguments at Ikea over how much bedding, how many stuffed animals and what kind of diapers we should get for you. I miss you.
Johnny Thunders sang in another song, “You can’t put your arms around a memory.” That line has been stuck in my head. I’m glad I got to hold you, even if it was only for a couple of minutes and I couldn’t stop crying. I’m sad that from here on out, we’re only going to have you as a memory.
I miss you so much.
2 hours ago