Friday, May 21, 2010

Pictures

Dear Stevie,
One thing you would have gotten to know about me is that I'm obsessed with taking pictures. I carry around my huge, 3-pound SLR camera with me everywhere I go, even on walks around the neighborhood and Saturday morning errand runs. I've taken so many pictures of the dogs, I swear they now know how to smile and pose when the camera is pointed in their direction.

One of the things I was most looking forward to was taking millions of pictures of you, too. I had big plans to take a picture of you every single day for your first year of life (and probably the 2nd, 3rd, 4th year and so on too!) so that you'd be able to see how much you grew and changed over the course of time. I was so excited to be one of "those moms," you know, the ones with a million pictures of their kids plastered all over their office; the ones who proudly whip out pictures of their children to every stranger they meet. That was gonna be me.

Yesterday we got the pictures of you the photographer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep took for us at the hospital after you were born. Like any new mom, I want to show them off to everyone I meet, to show everyone how special and pretty my daughter is. But there's this other part of me that is scared. Scared that other people won't be able to see your beauty the same way me and your Dad can. I know no one likes seeing pictures of dead babies, but this is the only chance I'll ever get to show off my baby girl. These are the only pictures I have. The only pictures I'll ever have. God that breaks my heart.

For anyone reading this whose not comfortable seeing Stevie's photos, I suggest you look away now.


I see so much of your Dad in you in this picture

Big feet, just like both of your Grandmas!

So tiny and precious. I love this photo.

Our family

You'll always be Daddy's little girl

So much sadness. I've never loved him more though.

I'm glad I have these pictures to remember you by, but I hate that there won't be more to come. You have no idea how much I hate it.

Love you so much, beautiful, beautiful little girl.

Mom


39 comments:

JulieCrisante said...

Kristin, I'm from the August Board. I want you to know she's beautiful, absolutely beautiful in every way. I had dropped you a note saying that I'll rejoice with you the day you find out Stevie will be a big sister. I'm praying for you and your husband daily.

Christa said...

She really is beautiful, it's amazing how perfect her tiny little features are. Thanks for posting the pictures, I'm glad I got to see her.

Violet1122 said...

She is so lovely and sweet! Just perfect!

I love the picture of Stevie with your wedding rings - just beautiful.

Thanks for sharing the pictures with us - you have every reason in the world to be a proud mama.

HIS daughter said...

Oh Kristen. I cried as I looked as these beautiful pictures and your beautiful little girl...tears for you and your husband, tears for the little one that is now with Jesus, tears...she is so beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing these pictures...
Praying so hard for you and your husband...
Katy

Mommy Gator said...

She is beautiful! Thank you for posting the pictures, they turned out amazing! You and your husband are always in my thoughts and prayers! GOD BLESS!

Rebecca said...

I found your blog through BBC. Just wanted to tell you what you already know - that Stevie is beautiful! Her little features are so tiny and perfect. And love that sweet little nose!

M said...

Kristin, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. She will forever be in your heart and I hope peace will come to you soon. I am so sorry.

Wendy said...

Stevie is beautiful! Never doubt that she's in heaven watching down. I know she and my sweet Bryson are enjoying the presence of The Lord. Take your time through this process. It is very very hard!! HUGS!

Sara said...

She is just a beautiful little girl. Cutest little nose. And you are right, I do where she looks like her daddy. Keeping you all in my thoughts <3

Sara
(From BBC)

RyderMakes3 said...

Stevie is absolutely beautiful, so sweet and precious! Thank you for sharing your baby girl, she has touched so many hearts, mine included. I've read your blog since you started it (I'm from the Aug 2010 board) and am so devastated for your loss. My thoughts and prayers remain with you,
Katie

Amanda said...

Little Stevie is just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing her with the rest of us. You are undeniably brave. I'm one of your many followers from August 2010 and my thoughts are always with you.

Lindsay said...

Thank you so much for sharing Kristin. She is so beautiful. I love her little fingers. I am praying for you so much right now.

Erin said...

Hi Kristin - I'm from the July board. I just came across your journal today and saw the link to your blog. My heart is broken for you and your husband. What an absolutely beautiful and perfect baby girl. She is so blessed to have a mommy and daddy like you two. Thank you for sharing her story. You are both in my prayers.

klarefamily said...

Hi Kristin,

I found you through baby center, and I can't tell you how much I truly want to give you a big hug and cry with you. When I look at Stevie, it brings my heart so much JOY and rememberance of my daughters that I lost last year. I can't tell you how similar the feelings we share and how important it is to know that the daughters we have lost have not left in vain, but were here for a very special purpose.
God is holding her and he is holding you and your hubby. He is has not abandoned you, I promise! Stevie will always be remembered by myself and I will keep you forever in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your story.

Luci Klare
Mom to Hope and Grace (6/23/2009)
www.klarefamily.blogspot.com

ataxiachic88 said...

Hi Kristen,

I'm also from the August Board... I've spent the past 2 hrs reading your story and learning about Stevie's inmpact...

I just want to say that if you ever need to talk, no I don't know what you're going through, and I can't imagine what it's like, but I truly am here for you, and I believe that she knows how much you and her daddy love her and always will.

She was and still is beautiful...

~Crystal

Brie said...

What a gorgeous baby..so perfect in every way. Thank you for sharing her with all of us in blog land.

Maggie said...

She's so beautiful! Thank you for sharing.

Ashers Mama said...

She is so beautiful, and will always be your little baby girl!

Hannah Rose said...

Stevie Joy is so, so precious and beautiful. I'm so glad to see these pictures to put a face to such a lovely little girl.

Stacy Mayers said...

She is so perfect!! Thank you for sharing her with us!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, she's gorgeous! What great pictures, thank you for sharing them. I think she DOES look like her dad in the first one, and the 'big feet' comment had me rolling. Totally precious.

Rose said...

I just wanted to say that Stevie is a beautiful little girl. I think the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep foundation is the most wonderful thing. I had a little boy, William Jay, at 22 weeks in March. I also had pictures taken and I will treasure them forever.

nonsomnus said...

Kristin, I'm RoxyRN from the Lovenox board. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your family with everyone. What beautiful, precious pictures...

Angela said...

Last night I was thinking about all the lovely lost babies and I realized I had never seen a picture of Stevie. So this morning I clicked over here and found your beautiful, sweet pictures of Stevie. It's wonderful to have them isn't it? Your daughter is gorgeous.

Ausmerican Housewife said...

She is gorgeous. Perfectly formed, just born sleeping.

Wendy said...

Hi Kristin-

Stevie is just beautiful. Don't ever be ashamed to show of her gorgeous photos. She is your little girl no matter what, and no one should deny you the right to be proud of her. I'm so sorry for your loss- parents should never have to lose a child.

Tiffany said...

Dearest Kristin,

What an amazing mother and wife and person you are. I stumbled upon your website and now this blog, and I am in tears. No one should have to know this pain and yet it seems a lot of us do. I miscarried two babies in between my two sons and it was awful. It is so lovely what you are doing for others. Stevie would be so very proud.

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristin,
You are such a beautiful mother, and Stevie is a beautiful little girl. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Peace be with you.

Mary said...

Dear Kristin,
Stevie is so beautiful! She is absolutely breathtaking! I am so happy that you have these precious pictures of your little girl. You are such a wonderful mom and have every right to be both proud and protective of your beautiful daughter. She is so gorgeous! I wish we had even one picture of our precious Micah, but we never got that far with our precious baby. I am so glad that you got to hold her in your arms even if it was only for a short time. I want you to know that if I met you in person I would be honored if you showed me your beautiful Stevie's pictures and I do see just how breathtakingly beautiful she is! Thank you for sharing her with us. May God bless you and carry you through each day without Your precious Stevie in your arms.
Love,
Mary

Tenielle said...

Absolutely gorgeous.

Apparently I get a lot of people going from your blog to mine, especially from this post. I thought maybe I'd commented on it earlier, but nope. The joys of the internet :)

Anonymous said...

She is so beautiful!! My heart aches for you so much. These pictures are so precious.

Mary said...

What a beautiful little girl.

Amy said...

I feel truly blessed to witness the grace, beauty and peace in your Stevie's precious photos. Thank you for the opportunity to read the words that I have so longed to connect with, to give a voice to, and were heavy in my heart until now.
Peace, love, hope & joy to you Kristin.

Merel said...

Dear Kristin,

I found your blog through faces of loss. I've lost my little boy a week after he was born this January. Thank you for sharing your story, your feelings and thoughts. Your daughter was adorable, beautiful and so cute.

Love,
Merel

Lauralee Moss said...

She is beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Kristin, Stevie is so beautiful and so precious. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my twin daughters right around the same time.

Anonymous said...

My blog is www.adayinthelifeofatoddler.blogspot.com if you'd like to stop by.

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

You are so brave - my daughter was born pre-term at 23 weeks this past July, I wish I had photos like these...I had my camera with me but I wasn't even thinking straight - everything happened to fast

Upon Butterfly Wings said...

Stevie is beautiful and will always be beautiful. I always wanted to call my little girl Stevie but sadly (and quite annoyingly) my partners name is Steve lol.

Like you, I LOVE taking photos, I take photos of everything and everywhere we go BUT for whatever reason I never took any photos of Bobby. The biggest regret is not having a photo of the three of us together but whats the point of regrets when you can not change things.

Thankfully our hospital took two for us after we had left, but like you these are all we will ever have and I commend you for sharing her photos as, like you have said above its extremely scary to share your child with the world when they are asleep.

You have a beautiful blog and a beautiful family, all who you should be very proud of.

Lucy xox

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