Thursday, May 27, 2010

Physical Proof

Dear Stevie,
One of my friends told me last night, "If I hadn't known you the last six months, I'd never guess you were ever pregnant." It's true, my body is pretty much exactly back to the way it used to look before I was pregnant with you. I guess I'm lucky that I don't have to deal with strangers thinking I'm still pregnant, or feeling bad about my body on top of everything else, but it's weird. Sometimes I almost forget I was six and a half months pregnant less than three weeks ago. It seems so bizarre that I carried a baby in my body for over half a year and have nothing to show for it. No stretch marks. No major weight gain (okay, maybe like five pounds!). Boobs back to their normal size (thank God). I should be thanking my lucky stars for these things, but part of me wishes I had more tangible, physical proof that you were a part of me.

The one physical reminder I have left of my pregnancy with you is quickly fading away: the so-called "linea nigra" line that runs down my lower stomach. It came in right after I delivered you, and is slowly but surely becoming less and less noticeable. I figured I should take a picture before it went away completely.

It's kind of hard to see in this picture; it's more noticeable in real life.

I hate that I have nothing to show from my pregnancy with you but a weird line on my stomach and a tattoo on my wrist. I should have stretch marks and saggy skin and everything else women who just gave birth have to deal with. I should have a baby to show from it. I should have you.

On the outside, I appear almost back to normal. But on the inside I know I'll never be the same again.

Miss you so much today, Baby.



Shaun and Courtney said...

Kristin - I'm so sorry that you have to go through life without your sweet girl. It isn't fair, and the feeling some days that it was all just a dream really stinks. Please know that I'm praying for you as you walk this difficult road of grief. If you ever want to share more, please feel free to email me at Oh, and I'd love to see more pictures of Stevie if you have some! Blessings - Courtney

Andrea said...


*tears* My heart goes out to you right now, as I'm so sorry you are hurting. The physical signs are fading, but the FOREVER love is etched on your heart...she is with you, always.

May God hold you and comfort you...lean on us and we will walk with you through the storm.


Adriana said...

i am a total stranger and somewhat new follower of your blog. I think you are so brave to share how you are feeling on here. so many women shy away from talking about loss and i think you should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there.
i can not imagine what you are going through. my heart aches for you and your family.
I guess im just writing to let you know that i'm listening. i read all your posts.
you are not alone.

Antoinette said...

I have the line as well...It is strange to see how you are going to miss it...makes me feel worse seeing it every day in the shower...I wonder if when mine goes away if i will miss it?? You gave me something to think about tonight...!

Maggie said...

I always thought I would be so ecstatic once all those physical symptoms/evidence of a baby went away. I was looking forward to going back to my normal self, but without a baby it all kind of lost its meaning. Almost 7 months later and I still have that line (not as obvious as before). I used to hate it, but now it's a little reminder of Alexandra + my c-section scar. Hugs to you!!!

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