Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Dear Stevie,
I don't even remember where I saw it, but I read somewhere this week a quote that went something like, "I'm trying to not just 'accept' my loss, but seriously embrace it with all the strength my two arms and strong heart can hold."

At first I thought it sounded so messed up. I mean, who the hell wants to embrace something so horrible? Accept it, sure, it's not like I really have a choice but to do that. But embrace it? Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to try and forget this whole sad experience ever happened, to push it way, way back in my mind? Get rid of all the painful reminders and move on with my life?

Probably. But I refuse to believe that your short little life was for nothing. I feel like I owe it to you as your mom to make sure your life and death wasn't in vain. I don't know that I believe that cliche phrase "everything happens for a reason," but I do believe that I have a choice in what I make of this shitty situation that I don't and probably never will understand. I guess I am choosing to let what happened change and shape me. I'm choosing to let it make me a better, stronger person. I want you to be proud of your mommy.

I wanted a permanent reminder of you, so tonight Dad and I got tattoos. You have shaped me on the inside, and now I have a reminder of that on the outside.

Like a tree, your memory will live on in my heart.

Your footprints (actual size and everything). One of each of dad's feet, so when he is biking, you are right there pedaling with him.

I miss you and love you so much baby girl.



Antoinette said...

My heart goes out to you. My heart hurts when I hear of a new baby gone soooo soon. You were honored to her her mother for those 6 months...she blessed you with spending EVERY minute of her life safely with her momma...I dont know how we connected, but I find that with this it does happen for a reason, i always believe our babies are friends and have brought us together to get us through this tragedy. Your tattoos are beautiful. I have butterflies on my foot with her initials, it is hard to see in my profile pic though. my husband has a real portrait of her on his chest. Your husbands actual foot prints tattoo is adorable!! I wish we met on a "happy mommy" blog....but we are now HERE..in the new normal trying to make sense of this...it may bring you some comfort reading my blog from the beginning as I see your loss was really recent. Im really sorry you had to be this mother, I wish you were still pregnant counting down the days til she was born. I wish I was rocking a 3 month old instead of doing this myself...baby loss momma's say we wish we had "the magic wand"...boy would that wand be over used!! It is a shame though, cause in the baby loss community you will find the most loving strong women you will ever come to mee...I see you follow butterflies for Alexandra, she and I are very close now and she has gotten me through my toughest weeks...God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers...One piece of advice I can give you...There will NEVER be a good enough reason for us for why this happened and I will NEVER allow someone to tell me that there was...she belongs here with ME and so does your daughter, but we have been dealt these cards now and so we have to learn how to cope...to say it gets easier...I would be lieing...its almost 3 months for me and i miss her every single minute of every single day...xoxo i envy the moms who have been in this longer as they DO tell me it will be easier to cope with

Steph said...


I have followed your journey since we "met" on Babycenter talking about our innertube swimsuits and for whatever reason, my computer or google or blogger or whatever would never let me scroll to the word captcha part to comment. :(

But, know I have read, smiled, cried, prayed, admired your strength and grieve with you and your husband. I'm so so very sorry and I know those words seem hollow, but they are so very sincere.

I hope as time continues that things get easier for you. You will never be the same, but that is ok. Just like you have said, Stevie has changed you...for the better.

Know you are in the hearts and prayers of strangers.

God bless.

Steph said...

p.s. I love your tree and the footprints for pedaling with Dad made me cry. You two are very special people.

Jenny said...

I know you don't know me, but I've been following you for a few months now. My heart aches so badly for the loss that you and your husband are dealing with. I can't imagine. I just want you to know that you've touched my heart. You and your husband will be in my prayers as you navigate these difficult waters of grief.

Beautiful tattoos.

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