No angel

Dear Stevie,
I know the term "angel" is a very common one here in the baby loss community. Honestly though, I don't really think of you as an angel. At least not in the sense that you're flying around with wings and a glowing halo, maybe peacefully strumming a harp or something. No way. I know you're up there in heaven causing all sorts of trouble. I imagine you up in Heaven bossing all the other little kids around, being sneaky with your new friends, and making a big old mess. I'm sure God has his hand's full with you (maybe even regretting his decision to take you up to Heaven with him?!) I feel I know you well enough to know you're no angel, Stevie. :)

You've always had to do things you're own way, from the very beginning, just like your mama.

You decided you were coming into our lives, whether we were ready or not. Dad and I thought we were doing a pretty good job at preventing a baby, but it wasn't enough to keep you from settling into my uterus and making yourself right at home.

You had me thinking you were a boy the first five months of your life. You little trickster. I was convinced you were a boy, to the point where I would only look at boy clothes when I was out shopping, and told everyone with confidence, "I'm totally having a boy, I just know it." I thought I had these awesome "motherly instincts." Guess not! When the ultrasound tech said, "it's definitely a girl!" I swear you started dancing around as if to say, "Haha--fooled you Mom!"

You were so stubborn. You kicked me whenever you felt like it, always refusing to do it on command. You'd be kicking up a storm, I'd put Dad's hand on my tummy for him to feel, and you'd stop kicking. Then as soon as he moved his hand away, you'd start kicking me again, even harder. It was a funny game to you, wasn't it silly girl?

I hope you're getting the chance to play silly games up in Heaven. I hope you're having so much fun being the goofy, head-strong little girl I know you are. I hope your Great Grandpa Chuck is showing you how he can light firecrackers off the top of his head, and tucking you into bed at night for me.

Have fun up there, Baby. I wish you were down here, driving me crazy with your silly antics, but I know you're having a blast up in Heaven. I miss you so much. I'll love you forever.

Mom