Friday, June 11, 2010

Making it

Dear Stevie,
"How are you?"

I get that (seemingly) simple question a lot these days. I've struggled with how to answer it. I can't say "good." That would be a lie. "Alright" doesn't quite cut it either. Can't say, "horrible, actually. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and trampled on a thousand times," because that would probably really freak some people out. So my standard response has become, "I'm making it."

I'm making it.

I'm going through the motions everyday. I wake up, I cry, I take a shower (most days anyway), I get dressed (sometimes even in something other than sweatpants!), I make myself eat something, I go to work (or whatever other "activity" I have planned for the day), I drive home, I cry, I make myself eat some more, I go online, I watch TV, I cry, I take the dogs for a walk, I watch some more TV, I get ready for bed, I have another good cry, I fall asleep.

Sometimes in there I smile, sometimes even laugh. Most of the time though, I am numb.

Yes, I am making it through each day. But when do I get to go from just "making it through" to actually living again? Because I assure you, what I am doing right now is not really living. There is a stark, stark difference between the two.

I keep thinking when I'm pregnant again, then I can start really living. Once I have another child (you know, one that I actually get to keep!), then I can start living again. But what I am supposed to do in the meantime? Who knows how long it will be until we get pregnant again. 6 months? A year? Three years? Never? I feel like I'm in limbo. Part of me wishes I could somehow sleep through this period of time between losing you and having another baby. Someone please wake me up when it's time to be happy again!

I'm really trying to do more than just make it through for you, Baby, but I'm not doing a very good job. I know you'd want me to appreciate each day of my life for the gift that I know it is, but it's so, so hard to truly live without you in my life. I say it all the time, but I just miss you. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.


Ps. I tried wearing mascara for the first time since you died today. Bad idea.


car said...

My new default answers are "getting by" or "surviving".

Kelley and Chris said...

My default is 'hanging in there.' That's about how I feel. Sometimes like I'm hanging on by a thread. It will get easier Kristin. My little boy was born an April I'm a little farther out than you. It's still hard as hell, but not quite as hard as it was a month ago, 6 weeks ago, 2 months ago etc...
Keep 'making it' and although we will never, ever forget our sweet babies, we will live again. At least I hope so. Hugs.

Emily said...

My answer is 'meh' with a shrug of the shoulders. I know exactly how you feel. I too would like to go to sleep and have someone wake me up when my life is the way I want it. I wonder how long that will be. Will we have a baby next year? The year after that? 5 years? Never? When I read other's blogs who lost their first child and then subsequently had a second I wonder "what did they do in the meantime?" I guess we'll just have to wait it out together.

Maggie said...

I never thought, 'how are you' would be hard to answer, until now. Keep doing what you're doing every day and 'make it' through. :) I hope one day we can all really live again and maybe, be "happy"??(((HUGS)))

Danae said...

I tend to give a pathetic, unconvincing "okay"'s the only thing I can think of most of the time. Very few people will I answer with "I feel like crap and am angry" response. It tends to scare people.

Melissa said...

Looking back, I can't really say when I stopped just merely putting one foot in front of the other, and got back to living. It's gradual. And some days are worse, and some days are reminders, and you just make it through those days, but you'll find that more often than not you're living, not just surviving.

Also, griever's protip: Put mascara only on the top lashes. It cuts down on a lot of running and smudging, especially if you don't keep your eyes closed while crying.

The Griegers said...

I too feel like I'm just barely making it, I so badly want to feel ALVIE again. I also feel like when I give birth to another baby is when that will happen, it just scares me to think that may be a year from now or never. I'm crying right there with you <3

Franchesca said...

No kidding, mascara was a bad idea for me those first few days/ weeks months... I seriously could have written this entire post. I am so so sorry. I promise you will one day realize you are living again, but the numbness I convinced myself kept me sane. Sending you huge (((HUGS)))

Violet1122 said...

Oh Kristin! I think you are doing a good job of "making it". That is the most you can expect out of yourself right now.

And I totally agree with you about waking me up when its time to be happy again! I wish we could experience our lives like a movie sometimes. Fast forward to the good parts.

I'm thinking of you and Stevie often. I hope this weekend can bring you some peace.

Michelle said...

I don't know how many times I lied to people and said "good" or "okay" and tried to pretend I was being strong when I am just hurting so badly. A couple of times I didn't even answer the how are you question..I just quickly asked them How are you instead cause I figured they already know how I am.

Lindsay said...

I've just found your blog...through "Lori Does Maryland." You left a comment on her blog and I linked over to yours.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. This isn't a fun club to be in. I, myself, am a member as well. And saying that I hate it doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about it all.

I've been reading through your posts, reliving the beginning of my personal grief journey after the loss of our son. I'm sitting here nodding my head, agreeing with every word....saying, "Thank God someone else understands" because not many people do. I'm astounded at how many people think there is a time table for grief....even in this case. This is a lifelong journey. What once was simple and commonday will never be that way again. Life never goes back to "normal" when you lose a child. Because losing a child is not shouldn't happen. You don't plan on that or even anticipate it. You prepare yourself for your parents, grandparents, even your spouse (to a degree), but never your child. It just isn't right.

I'm 10 months into my own journey with all of this, and I still have a difficult time answer "How are you?" These days, I'm actually able to say, "Good" and mean it. However, there are days that aren't so good. Days when I want to scream at the person and say, "Well, my child is no longer here. How in the world do you think I'm doing? Pretty darn miserable...."

Thank you for sharing your story. Your words are so touching, and I can just feel your love for your daughter through every single post. Hang in there....and take each day as it comes. There is no prescribed way to grieve for your child. Do it in your own way, in your own time.

You've created a beautiful tribute to your daughter here...

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